Disclaimer: Don't own supernatural.
Warning: Contains M/M slash and male pregnancy.
Chapter Sixteen
"Cas? Man it's great to hear your voice! Listen we found pestilence so get your feathery ass over here and I could explain what is going on-"
"I can't Dean, just-I can't."
Silence rang with his words. Sam was nearby listening silently with his hands crossed over his outstretched abdomen that nearly always had Dean wincing. How anyone could want to be that stretched even if it was with a baby they had made with someone still surprised him sometimes. It looked like it may hurt but then again he saw Sam take a shot to the shoulder and act like it was only a nuisance. A paper cut though always had the drama queen bitching and moaning however. He cut himself off thinking about the odds and the luck that caused Cas to finally call and let them know that he was alright. He hated that they hadn't known where the angel was even at and having to deal with the fact that at any time he could lose Sam all the while not having the angel nearby nearly destroyed him. He couldn't place it but at least he was safe as can be or not, if Cas's voice had anything to do with it.
"Why not?"
"Well they found me passed out in a shrimping boat after my fight with the other angels. I was told that my presence had troubled the sailors tremendously, the doctors thought I was brain dead for a while."
Dean made a note of that even though he surmised it had something to do with the vessel. If Cas didn't have an active brain wave when he was unconscious, Dean had an idea that it probably meant that Jimmy wasn't there any longer. It was a horrible thing to think of but Dean couldn't help but have his heart speed up at the thought that this was all Cas in that body and not Cas AND Jimmy. He took a deep breath and breathed slowly through his nose to calm his fast beating heart.
"So I take it you can't zap anywhere then?" At the silence on the other end Dean became annoyed. "Listen I have had it up to hear with everything right now! Gabriel's dead Cas but we have an idea that we could lock Lucifer back up in the cage if we use the rings from the horsemen-"
"And trap him how?" Cas asked and his voice seemed strained. Dean realized then that he had opened his big mouth and told him that his big brother was dead. It was like a punch that he probably would be experiencing soon with Sam being in his eighth month of pregnancy and all. The baby could come at any time now that he was thirty five weeks and survive with very little intervention. With Sam it was a wager to see if he would even survive long to see the little baby he selflessly carried for all this time.
"Uh, I can't I believe I've become human Dean," Dean heard a pause before Cas continued. "What happened to Gabriel? He couldn't have gone after someone or have an enemy, Dean how did my-how did Gabriel die?"
It was then that Dean realized that just like how Sam had hurt him multiple times in the past neither he nor Cas wanted their brothers out of their life. Cas didn't want to lose the brother that deserved a second chance to be there for him. Sure he was heartbroken and thought that all those years of Gabriel's abandonment had meant he hadn't cared for Cas at all but he came back and tried and Gabriel didn't have to do that. Dean knew that Gabriel would never do anything he wasn't forced to and yet he came back, tried to get Cas to forgive him and never gave up.
Dean found his throat constricting at the idea that like Cas, Dean was now facing the inevitable prospect of losing a brother; one who he didn't think realized the extent of his love.
"Cas, he faced off to Lucifer and he just-yeah he didn't make it but he gave us a video telling us how to stop him in the end. I know it doesn't-"
"Dean, in order to get to you and become of some assistance I'm going to need an airplane and ideally more pain medication of course. I don't think you would know how to help?" Dean knew a subject change when he saw one and quickly jumped onto it. Sam had stopped listening when the subject had been brought up and was busily making what looked like sandwiches.
"I'll get Bobby to wire you the money and then he's going to help us with this cause of ours. He's been angsting pretty badly since Gab-he got his legs working again, yeah."
There was a bit of a pause in which Dean heard Bobby swear at the thought of wiring in his opinion, 'the darned winged idjit' money but did so nonetheless.
"How's Sam doing? I know it has to be hard on him with the baby coming and all and then there's of course the pending birth and the fact that it probably isn't going to be something he is looking forward to now with him gone and all."
Dean had to agree although he didn't want to mention by phone the problem Sam had been experiencing. Occasionally he thought that Sam needed somebody to talk to and to realize that the death wasn't his fault and that it probably would have happened anyways but he knew enough was enough when Sam admitted to seeing the dead archangel. It just wasn't something that Sam should be going through but then there was also the possibility that it could have been Lucifer messing with his mind but Dean didn't want to worry Sam, he wanted to warn Cas and get an idea if that could be it.
"Fine Cas," he said instead. "Just fine. I'm thinking that we should catch up but first we'll meet you-"
"Dean," Cas quickly interrupted. "Do you really think that Sam would be alright to go with you?"
Dean shook his head and sighed glancing at Sam. Sam had that curious look on his face like he was wondering what they were talking about but wouldn't ask. He was glad for that at least and quickly wiped his sweaty hand on his pants. He was worried about both of them but one thing would never change and that was Cas's way of worming his way into Dean's life and staying in despite him-he wouldn't think that. He quickly coughed to cover up the groan he felt coming and instead of listening to Sam's huff, he instead listened to Cas's opinion.
"Pestilence is going to get everyone who gets close to him sick," Cas told him calmly although Dean knew he was anything but with the news of the death of his brother. "The best thing to do for your brother is to leave him home and either wait for me or bring Bobby."
Dean knew it was something he should do anyways and he agreed. He didn't want to risk the baby especially since the baby was this far developed.
"Okay Cas."
He couldn't get over the fact that he had finally talked to Cas and idly wondered what the feeling of longing came from. Cas was his best friend but no more than that so why was it that he felt like his heart had been literally on fire since Cas had been missing?
Either way he was glad to have him back.
"I'm not going to just stay at home," Sam quickly said as soon as Dean mentioned what Cas had told him.
"It's not up for discussion Sam," Dean just as quickly tried to put a stop to it. "The baby is your number one priority-"
"I'm not helpless either though. I could just stay a certain distance away from him Dean. Please don't do this, not after we are this close to getting Lucifer back into the cage," Sam begged helplessly knowing he wouldn't relent. "I'm coming even if I have to take my own method of transportation and you honestly couldn't want that-"
"THEN WHAT ARE WE FIGHTING FOR!"
Amongst the silence, Sam suddenly realized what it was that Dean was getting at and his eyes widened in shock. He shouldn't have pushed him but he was really tired of being babied and treated like he was fragile. He wasn't going to miss an opportunity to help as long as he could and that included backing up his brother. He just couldn't do it. He had to stop Dean from all this, he had a responsibility to also look after his older brother. It was a two-way street after all and Dean always took care of him no matter how much he screwed up.
Dean continued just as angrily and Sam stayed quiet although he winced a couple of times.
"WHY THE HELL ARE WE FIGHTING FOR EVERYTHING? THE BABY? GABRIEL? CAS? I'M LOSING YOU IN LESS THAN A MONTH AND I DON'T THINK YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS TO PEOPLE THAT LOVE YOU BUT TO RISK THE THING THAT IS THE REASON I'M LOSING YOU IN THE BEGINNING IS JUST STUPID! YOU CAN'T DO THAT BECAUSE YOU CHOSE THE BABY SAM! YOU CHOSE THE BABY AND IN THE END IT'S ALWAYS GOING TO BE THE BABY AND WHAT THE BABY CAUSED! YOU THINK I LIKE TO THINK OF MY BROTHER'S BABY THAT WAY? WELL TOUGH LUCK BECAUSE EVEN IF IT WASN'T MEANT TO HAPPEN, MY NEPHEW IS GOING TO KILL MY BROTHER!"
"I-"
"Save it Sam. I am tired up to here with listening about you complaining. I put up with everything that you've done and not once have I ever told you just how much of a screw up you are but in the end, I admit it. You are a screw up and because of your screw ups all this had to happen and you act like you don't regret a single thing. What am I gonna do Sam? What am I gonna do?"
Sam was silent for a moment before starting up with a gulp, anticipating his brother to yell at him some more afterwards but he knew he had this coming. Dean forgot about things and it was bound to eat at him alive, especially now.
"You only care about me though Dean," Sam said looking down at where his feet were obscured by his enlarged stomach. "I'm not saying you don't but you haven't showed signs of even caring about the baby. You're right though, this is your nephew and he's going to be here even if I don't make it. I need to at least know that he's not going to be rotting away somewhere and isolated, I may have chosen the baby, but he is the only thing good that came out of this. You'll see. When you see him you'll understand why I chose for him to live."
"I honestly have had trouble seeing that lately Sam," Dean finally replied honestly and Sam looked up in shock. "I try and I try but I don't think I could love him. Possibly not at all because looking at him every day, I'm gonna see you and I can't do that."
Sam could only control himself enough not to cry, it already felt like he had been punched in the chest and it was excruciating pain that reminded him that Dean had actually said those words. He bit back a retort though and nodded. The baby still had Bobby and the baby still had Cas to look after him, he was silly to try to make Dean take on something he wanted even though he hadn't wanted to think of anyone else.
"I'm still going," Sam finally said when he found his voice again.
This time Dean didn't try to stop him.
This time Dean didn't say anything.
There was nothing else to say.
It was the hardest thing that Dean thought he was going to do. Something in his head said that he should just skip this and spend the most he could with his brother but he ignored it on the principle of reasoning. They needed the rings and they needed Lucifer gone. Once he was then they could worry about the other problems. Sam was surprisingly quiet on the way there although Dean could tell through the back view mirror that he was having trouble sleeping again. Bobby gave him a look and Dean knew that Bobby was just as worried about Sam as he was. It wasn't that he hated the baby but the facts were the facts and he couldn't take them away, not even a little bit.
By chance maybe Sam would make it another day and they would have a chance to make sure he made it through. It was when thoughts got this morbid that Dean wished Gabriel was here again. Gabriel wasn't perfect and he made mistakes but he tried and Cas wasn't happy about losing him either. Maybe if Gabriel survived then Sam could, he thought depressingly.
"Are you really going to act this way Dean?"
Dean's head snapped up and Bobby let out a long sigh. It was this time that he realized that Sam had finally fell asleep although it had to be rather awkward sleeping on his side like that with his belly being as big as it was but Dean didn't know and he would never be pregnant. Never say never he thought grimly, thinking that Sam must have thought the same thing and now he was going to have a baby.
"How am I acting any which way?"
Bobby rolled his eyes.
"Okay you idjit feign stupid but you do realize that you keep digging yourself deeper and deeper with these words and you won't ever be able to take them back. I know you hate it and you are mad that Sam decided to keep the baby but Dean you have to be real. If Sam dies how are you going to feel saying all those things to him? I'm not a moron either Dean and I know that it won't be easy. Sometimes I wish he never even got pregnant but we can't take that back now and we're stuck with it. Isn't it you that told Gabriel to take responsibility for his boyfriend and baby? Well maybe it's time to realize that you should have all along-"
"And what's that Bobby? That baby shouldn't even be alive. The angels were saying miscarriage was imminent and then all of a sudden we have my brother with his stomach being the size of a basketball with a baby that he shouldn't have been able to carry this far. They end in death and what if he does go all the way through and the baby dies too then who do I have?"
"Well for one you have Me and Cas is here. Lisa is a great help too so tell me what you think son. Do you really think you could bottle all this up and make Sam feel lower than dirt and then have something happen to him or are we going to take that away and be civil and understanding until this passes us by?"
"Bobby I just can't lose Sam," Dean finally admitted. "I can't. I thought I could deal with it because if Sam could go four months without me then I ought to suck it up and realize that there's a lot more that I could have lost and yet I hadn't. I can't go through with it because there's no way I could handle going through that again. I can't lose Sam again Bobby."
There was silence in the car for a moment with the only sound being Sam's soft snores in the back seat. Bobby had to admit that if everything happened as the angels said it would, he would really miss the kid, there was no doubt about that. Of course there was the baby that Sam chose to carry, the one he wouldn't abort and that baby had to mean something too. He swallowed thickly hoping that if Sam went that Dean would at least be able to cope unlike Sam when Dean had gone to hell. Those four months felt like years without Dean and if that was indication of how things would be, he didn't want to have to think about Dean having to go without Sam.
"Sam couldn't do it. Those four months he thought about revenge and that was it, allowing that demon to manipulate him into thinking she was helping him achieve it. I don't pretend to say that Sam should have listened when you told him that but by the time you came back to hell, Sam's only vice had been the revenge and he didn't give a damn about his life. At least now there's a baby he'll leave behind."
"Awesome," Dean finally said sarcastically. "I guess that's a projection of how it's going to be without Sammy. And the thing is I can't promise that I won't try a deal to bring him back again because I'll try everything in the books and then some."
Bobby nodded.
Dean stared ahead finally realizing the impact this was going to have a few short weeks and he didn't think he could handle that.
So he wasn't going to.