Notes: Yeah. I've got nothing. There is a chance that there won't be a new update this Friday. Not sure yet. If there isn't, do panic.
Behind Blue Lies – Part 11
It became hard to focus on daily life when planning and coming up with a way to sabotage a terrorist attack at the same time. Not that very many people would ever get the chance to test that out in their lives. Apparently Vriska and Sollux were special cases. They were just racking up aaaaaaaall the special cases points these days. Go figure. It was just the thing that Vriska had always wanted to do with her life.
Sleep became as rare a thing as Karkat's crimson blood. Not because she didn't need it, or because she didn't want it. Sometimes it felt like her body spent all its time screaming out for a bit of shut eye. But moments spent asleep were moments not working on, revising, discarding, creating new plans to try and make her assignment from Veruna look good but have minimal damage. More than that, there was a real reason to avoid sleeping: the dreams. As bad as they had been when it was only Calgor, they were a hundred times worse since the death of the maroon. Dreams of death, of pain, of sorrow, and worse than that, dreams of power, control, strength granted to her by reaching out and gripping others in the vice grip of her mind.
She realized, one night as she all but fell asleep at her desk at work, that Veruna could not have found a better way to drive Vriska mad than asking what she had. Here she was, sitting in her office where she was supposed to be going over efficiency reports and putting in requests for another allotment of drones, and instead she was poking holes in the latest plan. It involved a showy display at a celebration being staged at the capital by the Empress, and Vriska didn't like it in the least. Sollux had suggested it was best because it gave the Imperial Enforcers a chance to grab Veruna immediately after her appearance. Beyond the fact that it meant Vriska could be captured instantly too, Veruna might smell a trap even as Vriska suggested it. There were logistical issues to, but what could be expected of a plan floated while Vriska was sleep deprived and when Sollux was bordering on that state too.
With a sigh Vriska crumpled up the paper she had been scratching ideas down on, and fished out the incendiary device Sollux insisted she carry with her everywhere now—he was starting to be a backseat moirail over the last four nights—so she could destroy the evidence. By now she'd even figured out the best way to set things on fire in the office without setting off any alarms. Remium, obviously, had not appreciated the first one that had almost ruined an entire evening of paperwork. With a sigh that hid yawn, Vriska upended her trash bin, placed a plate on the floor, and deposited her trash on it. A quick flick of the incendiary device set the papers on fire, and Vriska covered the whole mess with the waste bin. Later she'd open the whole bundle up at the window, letting the smoke out. For now, though, she returned her attention to her desk and glared at her paperwork. None of it was going to get done tonight. There were other, more important things to do.
She opened a new document on her husktop and sat for a while thinking about the exact wording she would need for what would come next. For the rest of the night she worked on the wording, coming up with the exact way that the document had to be written to get the results she wanted. At last she set it aside, intending to have it slipped into a normal stack of things needing notarized, then shut down her husktop for the night. There would be no point in trying to work anymore. With a sigh she turned out the lights in her office and slipped out. Remium looked up from his desk, frowning at her.
"Leaving so soon?"
"I'm not feeling too well," she lied, easier to do than she would have thought when it came to her olive friend. "I think I'm going to head back to the hivestem and rest. Tomorrow?"
"Alright, but did you have a chance to..."
"They're in a stack on my desk waiting for you. See that they get notarized and filed, alright?"
Remium smiled and nodded, she knew she could trust him to do this. All she could do was hope that he wouldn't look at them too closely. So many things could go wrong right now, and this was just another one. Cross your fingers and hope that your luck holds. It was all she could hope to do.
They were out of sleep staving balm brew. Vriska stared into the nearly empty tin—her vision eightfold wouldn't let her not notice the lingering bits of leaves and herbs in the edges and corners—and almost wanted to laugh at the sight. What was she supposed to do now? At this moment the only thing she feared more than Veruna bursting through the door and killing her was falling asleep. She didn't want to see the faces that awaited her. Didn't want to see Calgor and the maroon pleading for revenge. Didn't want to feel the blade piercing through her chest. Didn't want to have to face her crimes. Some dreams were worse than memories. Some dreams were so real that you could feel them. The chill smell of Calgor's blood in the air. The terrible heat of the maroon's on her hands. In some dreams she wrapped her power around Sollux's mind, his red-blue eyes crackling with power as she unleashed him on her foes. Bodies left charred and broken in the wake of his immeasurable power.
The thought of the dreams made her want to weep.
The memory of the dreams made her actually weep. Vriska found herself sitting on the floor of the food preparation block, her legs pulled up against her chest as tightly as she could manage, her arms wrapped around them, and her face buried in her knees. Kanaya would ask her about it later, when she was doing the laundry and found the cerulean streaks on her pants. But that was a concern for later, for now all she could think about was the dreams, which would never leave her alone now.
There was one option left to her, and it was almost as terrifying as the problem. Sopor pills. To calm her, soothe her, let her sleep the peaceful, dark void sleep that she needed. But the possible side effects... were they something she could risk handling?
Yes.
She was going to have to talk to someone to get her claws on some. Sollux might be able to help. She didn't exactly want to go to Remium again, it might be suspicious if she asked for them again. He only knew enough about the functions of the Web to get by, not enough to know about the deaths. That was something only Sollux knew in full, and Tavros in part.
Tavros...
Fuck.
Vriska pushed herself up off of the floor and practically bolted for the office block. She couldn't handle this alone any more. She had to talk to him. Fuck the risk, there was more than enough to go around anyway. There was no point in protecting him now when she couldn't protect him before. Besides, Sollux was good, better than good, and if he was protecting Tavros's husktop then there was no real risk, right? None at all.
It almost felt like it was taking forever for her husktop to power on and log her into Trollian. Then she was in, and it felt like her pusher was breaking. He wasn't logged in. When she finally admitted how much she needed him, when the stability of her pan was at its worst, he wasn't there. Maybe...
twinArmageddons [TA] began trolling arachnidsGrip [AG]
TA: vrii2ka what are you doiing onliine?
TA: ii2nt thii2 the tiime you 2hould be at work
TA: iim pretty 2ure that iim not wrong about the tiime diifference2 liike you u2ually are.
She sat there for a while, staring at the text. Why did it seem like that garish shade of yellow was almost promising her something? What was it that Sollux had said? Would he really go through with what he'd said? Had the words been empty or genuine? Even a temporary moirail (temporail as Gamzee called it) was better than nothing, right? Hadn't Karkat felt that way? Of course, from what Vriska heard he was just grabbing what he could get from Gamzee, but did that make the pale support any less meaningful and useful?
AG: I can't sleep.
TA: well iit ii2 a biit early two be tryiing
AG: No, Sollux, you aren't getting me. I CAN'T sleep. I h8 what I see when I do.
TA: hate or fear
AG: Fear. A8solutely fear. It's... The dreams, they...
AG: I can't handle them.
TA: ii thought you could handle anythiing vrii2ka
TA: handle all of the thiing2 or however iit wa2 that you put iit
AG: Well I was wrong. Alright? I admit it. Does that M8KE Y8U H8PPY!?
TA: no of cour2e iit doe2nt why would iit
TA: vrii2ka iif 2omethiing ii2 wrong you need two ju2t come out and tell me
AG: Like I need to tell you a8out the daymares. You O8VIOUSLY read aaaaaaaall a8out them in my letters.
TA: ii already told you ii diidnt read them
TA: but maybe ii should have
AG: When I close my eyes I see Calgor there. Dead. His eyes are solid white and terri8le. He wants me to die. So does the maroon.
AG: And Terezi, she shows up and kills me for what I did. For 8eing a traitor to our people. I can F88L the 8lade, Sollux. Every fucking time.
TA: geez yeah that2 kiind of a really good rea2on two not want two 2leep
TA: ii mean iit ii2nt liike youve got year2 of blockiing that kiind of thiing out
TA: well ii 2uppo2e ii could 2ugge2t 2ome 2leep 2taviing balm brew that cyclo2 u2ed two giive me when ii wa2 a wriiggler and learniing two deal wiith the voiice2
AG: We're 8UT!
TA: okay vrii2ka ii need you two calm down here
TA: were gettiing two the poiint where ii cant tell iif youre typiing a b or are fliippiing out liike you 2ometiime2 do
AG: D8 Y8U KN8W H8W H8RD IT IS TOO C8LM D8WN?
TA: 2hoo2h you fuckiing iidiiot ju2t 2hoo2h
TA: youre fuckiing iimpo22iible two under2tand liike thii2
AG: 8ut...
TA: 2hoo2h
TA: now what were you 2ayiing about the balm
She took a deep breath, counted to eight as slowly as she could manage, and glared at the husktop screen. It wasn't like he wasn't a fucking genius and totally capable of deciphering her quirk.
AG: We're OUT. I've 8een having a cup or two a night since Calgor's... Since Calgor.
TA: well that2 a problem ea2iily cured by a call two a grocer but let2 not do that
TA: two much of that 2tuff two fa2t can really fuck a troll up 2o well 2ave that plan for plan q or 2omethiing
TA: whiich leave2 u2 wiith you knockiing your2elf uncon2ciiou2 or 2omethiing more dra2tiic
AG: More drastic than knocking myself upside the pan?
TA: iim hackiing a mediical apiiculture 2y2tem a2 we 2peak 2o there wiill be a 2upply of 2opor piill2 deliivered two you by drone iin the next thiirty hour2 or 2o
TA: these are some pretty serious drugs just so you know so only take the dosage they list as often as they say
AG: And if it isn't enough?
TA: then rii2k the dream2
Not the kind of advice she was looking for, but something she could live with so long as there was the alternative in the pills.
AG: Thanks, Sollux.
TA: thiink nothiing of iit
TA: we 2py2 have two 2tiick together
AG: More like spiders.
TA: 2ure enough
TA: oh and vri2ka
AG: Yeah?
TA: take care of your2elf
TA: ii mean iit
AG: Don't I always?
TA: iif only you could 2ee how much my eye2 were rolliing riight now
AG: A22hole.
TA: 8iitch
arachnidsGrip [AG] ceased trolling twinArmageddons [TA]
Now the question was how to survive the next thirty hours? Or at least the seven until Sollux was done with his work and ready to discuss their plans once more.