Chicken Wal
The following movie has been rated 'W' for "Wallicious" and is only for those who reek of awesomeness.
This is a true story. A story biased on the truth. A very truthful truthy story that oozes the truth at every corner that you may not be able to handle it all. But rest assured; it is all true. And like all stories of great truth, it starts with a big fat lie.
Happy Harbor – Sometime in the morning but I don't know when because I don't own a watch.
Sitting beneath a tree, I was minding my own business. Really, I was just an innocent pawn who didn't know what was about to happen. Yeah I kinda was checking out the chicks walking by while pretending to read a newspaper. (Seriously, does anyone read newspapers anymore?) Anyway, My fine, hunky, orange and yellow feathered self, oh, my name's Chicken Wal by the way, was sitting in the park one day when something hit me on the head. I mean it just flat out conked me on my perfectly shaped head and left me with such a bruise that I was now deformed.
As I looked down, I saw it was an octagonal, that's an object with eight sides, object lying on the ground. It was blue with white streaks on it, which made it look like the sky. In fact, it was the sky! After looking up I saw a hole the same size of the object in the sky and it hit me. It hit me like an octagonal object that the sky was falling!
Acting quick, (Because that's what geniuses do, act quick, and I happen to be a genius.) I ran to the nearby school house and rang the bell with all my might. I yelled about the emergency that was happening as well as our impending doom that, that, well…this is where it gets embarrassing for your ol' pal, Chicken Wal. You see, when the townspeople got where I was, I told them what had happened, I told them that the sky was falling and led them to where it happened, but could find no evidence it happened, so everyone thought it didn't happen. (See, that's the lie right there. Something happened and it appeared as if nothing happened.)
That was a year ago and I still can't live it down. People are still making fun of me like, 'There goes Chicken Wal, he…he…" well I'm not too good at insults myself but they can be pretty mean. They even made a movie about me called 'Crazy little Chicken'. I'm not crazy! (My mother had me tested.) I'm a genius! It's not my fault I was the victim of a drive by Newtoning! (Sigh) Anyway, on with my story.
Happy Harbor – Morning before school starts. (Yeah, a year later and I still don't own a watch.)
My uncle, the amazing track champion known as Flash Cluck, was driving me to school on another bright, sunny day. In fact, it was just another normal day for yours truly.
"Okay, you remember what we talked about last night?" my uncle asked me as we sat in his car in front of my school. "Just go in there and pretend you're playing a game of hide and seek, only when you hide, make sure no one can find you."
"Yeah, I still don't get that. I mean if-"
"CW, It's only been a year and the people still remember what you did. Remember the endless nights of having our house egged? Egging a chicken's house, that's like dogs doing their business in their own yards."
"But uncle, I-"
"And then there's the shaving cream on my car. And I don't know what they did to my gas tank. I mean, why pour lemonade in my gas tank? But at least we didn't need to buy toilet paper for several months with the amount they threw on the trees."
"Well it was great until you ran out after eating seventeen bean burritos during halftime. That was…not too good." I gave him a sly smile and moved to open the door.
"Just…have a nice day Chicken Wal."
"You too, uncle." I took off for class as fast as I could when I heard the bell ring. For being the fastest chicken in town, I was always late. (That's what we call an oxymoron, kiddies. Or is it irony? Who cares, I'm a genius.) But who knew my one little slip a year ago would lead to a fusion of confusion with a few confounding things?
Anyway, I got to class just in time for roll call. The teacher, a dark furred sheep with eels sheered into his fur named Kaully Lolli paced back and forth before the class and didn't notice when I snuck in. I'm a ninja like that.
"Next on the list is, Con Bon," Kaully Lolli called as I stealthily took my seat.
The big guy in class, Con Bon, only grunted his response. No one messed with him as he was so…so…moody and scary looking. It must be a wolf thing. In fact, the only one in class to even look at him was my friend, but more on her later.
"Dinary Canary," the teacher called next. She only waived her hand as she hardly ever talked. She didn't exactly have an inside voice.
"Miss Meg of the Litter." Kaullly called, only to see her mindlessly staring at Con Bon who was busy slouching in his seat with his arms crossed. "Meg of the Litter? Miss Meg!"
"Oh, uh…present and accounted for, sir," Meg said as she snapped out of her day dream and sat straight up. Her hands fiddled with her mauve cardigan nervously. She was the only different colored one in her family (a green furred vixen) and was a little on the, shall we say, air head side of the brain pool. To prove this, she actually had a crush on Con Bon since she first laid eyes on him but never said anything more than 'I like your shirt'. She even wrote his and her names all over her text books. The next kid who gets her math book will forever think 1 + 1 = Con heart Meg. Anyways, she was nice and fit into my group of friends quite well.
"Olly Dolly," the teacher continued.
"Yo." Olly Dolly, the coolest kid at school, and the only one with a goatee, sat at the back of the room next to his girlfriend, Dinary Canary. He really only spoke in one syllable words. He is so cool.
"Rob out of air," Kaully called.
"Here and totally asterous." Rob said with a cackle. He was another of my friends who so happened to be a member of the aviary, or bird species to the lamest. He couldn't fly like me either, despite being a robin, but was one of the best buds a dud could have.
"Arty Mallard." Kaully stood in front of a quiet blonde duck, who was also my friend, and watched her as she fiddled with what looked like an arrow. "Miss Mallard, give me that."
"Awww," Arty whined. I nearly had it that time."
"Arts and crafts are for later. For now, we study Spanish."
"Uh, Mister Lolly, you didn't call my name," I announced.
"I don't have to. I already marked you tardy. Now class, turn to page sixty two of your books and we will learn the Spanish words for food."
(I guess my ninja skills need work.)
We did as he instructed and said every food item in Spanish as he called it out. The only ones who knew this stuff by heart were Con Bon and Meg. It was like they knew every language in the world.
"Taco," he said.
"Taco," we replied.
"Burrito."
"Burrito."
"Nachos."
"Nachos"
"Churro."
"Churro."
Yeah, Spanish is sooooo hard.
After I bombed the Spanish test, hey, geniuses can have off days too, it was time for gym class.
"OK, everyone, listen up!" the gym coach, Mister Red Turtle Nattle, bellowed after blowing his whistle. "I don't want to hear any quacks, tweets, cheeps, or whimpers when I say…Dodgeball! Now remember, this is a sport of degradation and exclusion so I want the popular kids to the right and unpopular on the left. Let's hustle!"
"Um, coach?" Meg said as she, me, Rob and Arty went to our side. "That makes four against twenty. Wouldn't it be better if we had, like, even tea-"
"Everyone aim for the green one!" the coach yelled as he blew his whistle.
Letting out a shriek, Meg ran as fast as she could from a barrage of red dodge balls as the popular kids tried their best to bean her on the head.
"Meg, just do what Rob is doing!" I yelled. To that, she began to copy Rob's moves but wasn't as smooth as he was. Seriously, if I were a ninja, he was a super ninja. He must have flipped and tumbled out of the way as each ball failed to hit him. Meg on the other hand…well…
"CW, incoming on the right!" Arty yelled. I acted fast and caught the ball then threw it back. I accidently threw it backwards and hit Meg by mistake, that is. "Tough morning?"
"My uncle basically told me to disappear but I'm not going to let that get me down." A dodgeball whizzed past my head and smacked Meg right on the butt.
"That's good to hear I hope you-"
"Warthog at three o'clock!"
"I see him." Catching a ball with one hand, Arty wound up and fired it at the one who threw it and beaned him right in the nay nays. "Yes, score!"
"Time out!" the coach yelled as he blew the whistle. I'll be back in a minute. I'm taking Batsy Laxty to the nurse." He led Batsy, a tall quiet Goth kid to the door who had two dodge balls impaled on his pointed ears. Instantly, the rest of the kids whipped out their phones and began to text the person directly next to them except for Con Bon who went about his traditional brooding.
"So tell me, what does the intellectual have up his sleeve to better himself with his uncle?" Arty said as she whipped a magazine out.
"Well, I have a plan to do something to make him forget about the whole 'sky is falling' thing by-"
"Oh, I have just the thing." Flipping through the pages at lightning speed, she turned to an article and nearly slammed it in my face. "Bam! According to Modern Mallard, you need closure with him. You also need to have a heart to heart discussion about your feelings, if you do not have one and let the problem continue to eat at your soul; it'll lead to early molting."
"But, if that happens…I'll need to wear sunscreen. And with how hot it gets in the summer, I'll be a fried chicken." I could just picture my tender, perfect white skin turning red from the sun's harmful rays. "Arty, listen, talking to my uncle is a waste of time. We're men. We don't have feelings. We eat, fart, sleep, and occasionally binge on pigs in blankets."
"(Sigh) Meg," Arty said as she faced Meg, "should Chicken Wal talk to his uncle and clear the air or keep looking for a Band-Aid solution?"
"Uh…" The green vixen looked at me then at Arty. Then me again and then Arty. "Um, Band-Aids?"
"Meg!"
"Sorry, I can't read people too good."
"Rob," Arty asked, turning to our other bird friend. "Help me out, he…oh never mind." To the side of the gym, Rob out of Air was off in his own little world as he pretended to be a ninja or something. "Ugh, men."
It went on like this for some time until the coach got back. The rest of the day came and went with me explaining my grand scheme to get my uncle to see me as more than a disappointment. It was all perfectly planned out; I had been working out for the last two months and gained five ounces. With all the bulking up I did, I would then join the baseball team and become a star. I mean, it's a game of timing, speed, strength, and angles. How hard could it be? All I needed was a chance.
Happy Harbor – Three months later sometime in the afternoon. Yeah, I still don't have a watch.
Okay, so here's my plan in detail. I play for the Happy Harbor Bees, I get to bat, I wait for the pitch, I knock it out of the park, and I win the game. I then become the hometown hero and my uncle accepts me as something better than a nerd. That was the plan and I was going to execute it flawlessly. Unfortunately, I never got a chance to actually hit, catch, or throw the ball all season long. And now we were in the championship little league game against our rivals, The Star City Taters.
All game long, I sat on the bench and drank cup after cup of sports drink. My uncle and friends sat in the middle of the bleachers and cheered for me as the rest of the parents and kids cheered for the other players. We were behind by a point, two to three, and Dinary Canary was up at bat. She hit it for a ground rule double and the crowd cheered loudly for her. Everyone waited for the next batter, Little Roy Rooster, as he headed out to the batter's box. He never got there as he tripped and sprang his ankle on his way out of the dugout.
What happened next? You won't believe it unless you were there to see it. But since I like you all, I'll tell you because you know I only speak the truth.
The first thing that happened was the coach screamed like a girl. Then Roy Rooster cried that his ankle was shattered. Con Bon, who's the power house of the team (DUH) scoffed at him as if it were a bother to him Roy was hurt. (And Meg likes this guy?) But it all worked out in the end as I, Chicken Wal Cluck, stepped up and took Roy's place with everyone cheering for me. Actually it was more like jeering but I pretended it was cheering.
Now, apparently there's more to the game of baseball than I thought. I just forgot to read the rules on batting. After correcting my mistake of facing the wrong way, I was now staring down the ball thrower (which I later learned was called the pitcher) and prepared myself to-
"Ball one!" the umpire yelled.
"Ball one," I shouted. "How was that a ball?"
"Look, kid. You're what, two inches tall?"
"No I'm not, I'm-"
"Look, you're too small you have a strike zone of any kind. So you're just gonna have to walk. Besides, I've seen roadkill with faster reflexes than you."
The ball was thrown again and was ruled a ball. Con Bon was warming up, getting ready to take his turn after me and win the game, as always. I could hear my coach yell 'Good job, don't swing" as well as my uncle. I had no choice in the matter. I HAD TO SWING.
The third ball came at me, I squatted down and swung with all my might.
I missed.
I had timed it wrong and heard the couch, players, and everybody yell at me not to swing. When the next pitch came my way…I swung and still missed it by a relative mile. By now, everyone was yelling, 'Don't swing! Don't swing!' But I swung. I swung because today is a new day. And I hit a Popfly deep into center field.
No one expected it to happen. The Taters all scrambled to recover the ball but it slipped out of their fingers. I rounded first, ran through the second baseman's legs, and headed for third. Dinary had made it home and tied the game, now it was up to me. As I headed for home, Con Bon ran up beside me and yelled how I'm not going to make it, that I needed to run faster. It was weird hearing him say more than just a grunt. But I had the need…the need, for speed. (The need came from me having to pee really bad by this point.)
The last thing I heard him yell was, 'SLIDE!' I slid and when the dust cleared…your pal Chicken Wal was S…A…F…E, safe. The crowd cheered, my teammates lifted me above their shoulders, I was doused with the yellow sports drink that would soak into my 'Adolescent Malformed Muay Thai Squirrels' underwear and would chaff for hours. I was a hero. (And being covered in sports drink helped hide the fact I didn't have to go pee anymore.)
Now, I would like to tell you everything was hunky dory after that. I would also like to tell you I could sing like Berry Manalouse, but I can't. My uncle was treating me like a winner instead of a wiener, weakling, loser. I was a somebody. I had bypassed cloud nine and was on cloud forty two. That is until déjà vu smacked me in the head.
Long story short, I was hit by another piece of the sky (Can you believe it?) right in the head. My head. My perfectly shaped, to scale, cute little chicken cranium was struck by the sky for the second time. But here's the freaky part…it wasn't the sky. It was a piece of…a machine of some sort. I quickly called Arty and Meg who were having a sleep over (And I wasn't invited! How fair is that?!) to tell them what had just happened.
"Hello?" Arty answered. "Party central, Arty Mallard speaking, how may I help you?"
"ArtyitsChickenWalIneedyoutoc omeovertomyhouseright-"
"Whoa, whoa, whoa, slow down, hold on. Meg! Meg, quit singing for a minute!"
I could hear Meg singing in the background and could swear she was changing the lyrics to suit her and (cough) Con Bon. "…So, Con Bon! (Yeah!) Con Bon! (Yeah) I really wanna know what's going on. So turn around! Stick it out! And I will always shout, Con Bon's got back!"
"MEG!" Arty shouted loudly.
Instantly, the singing stopped and I had to switch ears as the one I was using began to ring.
"Chicken Wal?"
"What?" I couldn't hear quite clear.
"What did you call for?"
"Who's on the floor?"
"What?"
"Meet me at the school house in ten minutes and call Rob." I looked down at the strange object. "Have I got something to show you."
Happy Harbor School House – Some time at night. I really need to get me a watch.
"Chicken Wal?" Arty called. "Chicken Wal? Where are you?"
"Are you s, s, sure he said to meet him here?" Meg asked. She was hunched down and shaking from fear.
"Woman up, Meg. Jeez. You're a vixen, a female fox, be brave."
"B,b, but, I never liked to go outside in the-"
"BOO!" Rob yelled as he summersaulted from the second story of the school house.
Meg let out a soul shredding scream so loud, I thought she was gonna pass out from fright. "ROB! DON'T DO THAT!"
"I'm sorry," he cackled. "I couldn't help myself. You were such an easy target."
"Sorry I'm late guys," I said as I came running up behind them. I had seen the whole thing from across the lawn. "I don't-"
"Have a watch, we know. Here." Reaching into her pocket, Arty pulled out and handed me a watch. "Maybe you won't be late next time."
"Thanks," I said as I slipped it on.
"So what did you want to show us?" Rob asked.
"This." I held up the piece of sky for them to see and flipped it over to show them the electronics on the back. They inspected it and ran their hands over it carefully like it was a newborn baby, wiggly, and full of juice.
"What is it?" Meg asked.
"It's a piece of the sky, at least that's what I thought at first."
"A piece of the sky?" Arty asked. "Are you insane? You just got over being a joke in this town and now you say you have a piece of the sky in your hands? This is not a piece of the sky, it's, it's a…a piece of a machine or something." She kicked it hard and it began to shake.
"What did you do?" I asked in a panic.
"Nothing, you did it!"
"Nuh uh, you did!"
"Did not you tiny freak!"
"Did to, you Amazon!"
"Uh, guys?" Rob said.
"I should Jack-slap that beak of yours off!" Arty yelled.
"Like you could, you can't even catch me flat foot!"
"Guys!" Meg yelled.
"Admit it," Arty continued yelling. "You made this in you spare time to play a prank on us and-"
"I did no such thing, I-"
"GUYS!" Rob and Meg shouted at the same time.
Arty and I stopped arguing just long enough to turn our attention to our friends in time to see the octagonal slab rise up into the air. It was blinking bright white lights and took off towards a corn field some half mile away.
"I got it!" Rob yelled as he leapt on the shape and took off with it.
"Rob!" I yelled as the three of us chased after it.
We chased it and Rob to the corn field and beyond to the baseball field where I had won the game earlier (like a boss) and came to a stop in front of a ship. It was a strange shape, circular with an elongated front that ended in two tips. A cockpit was off to the side and its window was, of all things, Rob out of Air.
"See? I wasn't lying." I told my amigas. (That's Spanish for female friends.)
"I'm…I'm sorry I ever doubted you, Chi…Chicken Wal." Arty said.
"Yeah, well, the next time I say I saw something when I saw it, you believe me that I saw it."
I'll spare you the details but it took Arty and myself fifteen minutes to drag Meg to the ship with us to get Rob back. She was so incredibly scared of going in that she began to hyperventilate. Luckily I always carry several bags of Chicken Whizzies with me (You never know when you might need one) and gave her an empty bag so she could breathe into. But even that was not enough to get her to come in with us. Arty; however, had a plan and pulled out her cell phone.
"What am I doing here?" Con Bon asked when he arrived at the field ten minutes later. (See? I'm already using my watch. Like a boss.)
"We need you to help us with something," Arty told him.
"What?"
"Well, it's best if you see for yourself.
Rounding the wooden fence circling the baseball diamond, Arty led Con Bon to where he could see the ship. His jaw dropped at the sight of it but fortunately he only needed to be slapped once to snap him out of it. Unfortunately, I was the one who slapped him and subsequently was chased around for a few minutes until he managed to catch me and smack my already deformed cranium. (Seriously, how many times is my poor little head gonna suffer like this?)
We searched the ship up and down, left and right, even diagonally until we found Rob. He was actually playing with what looked like the controls to the ship and making rocket noises. He also added a few laser sound effects here and there.
"What's his problem?" Con asked.
"He has ADD and forgot to take his meds by the look of it," I expertly informed him. "Let's just grab him and go."
Dragging a hyper robin through a ship and trying to keep him quiet was harder than you may think, especially with Meg taking the smallest of steps behind us. Con had to carry Rob while Arty literally pushed Meg along, that is until she got the idea of having her grab onto the back on Con Bon's shirt to lead her out. (Seriously, she's scared of the dark, scared of an alien spaceship, and scared of Con Bon, but feels a teeny tiny bit braver around him. Go figure.)
We were almost out. You understand? We were almost home free when we heard a clanging behind us. We all froze like gargoyles in the daylight, like a deer caught in head lights as it's about to become street pizza, like water when it reaches the temperature of thirty-two degrees Fahrenheit (Zero degrees Celsius.) Slowly, ever so slowly, we turned around, except for Meg who a busy staring at Con Bon with pink hearts in her eyes, and saw the cause for the noise. It was a three legged, three eyed robotic egg. And it was staring right at us.
Letting out a scream, we all started to run, except for Meg who was being pulled through the air as she never let go of Con's shirt with a very content look about her, and Rob who bounced on Con's shoulders and cackled all the way. Sometimes I think Arty and I are the only normal ones we know.
"That's it," Arty yelled as we headed for the exit, "we're all gonna die! We're gonna be stuffed and mounted like an intergalactic trophy or, or, be made into a half-living host and implanted with face-hugging babies."
"Game over, man! Game over!" Rob cackled.
"We gotta move, man. We gotta move, gotta move, gotta move!" I yelled. It was then when they began to fire green lasers at us.
"Oh, no, you did not just shoot that green crap at me!" Con yelled.
Arriving at the exit, we jumped out just as the doors closed. We landed in the dirt; I personally swallowed some, and looked back at the ship as it began to hum to life. It took off into the air then turned to aim its laser guns at us.
"RUN!" I screamed.
We took off running for the town with the ship in hot pursuit. It must have sensed we were heading in that direction as it cut us off. We hurried to the cornfield and tried to hide there but it was relentless in its pursuit. It swept the area with a bright light and eventually found us lying low in a ditch.
"The school!" Arty yelled. And we followed her lead. Arriving at the building, we tried to get in through the front double doors but found them to be locked.
"Aw, man, this is it!" I yelled. "This is the end of the great and powerful Chicken Wal Cluck. I never got to my first malt. I never got to experience flight, soaring high above God's green earth and look down on it majestically before I hawk a loogie on it."
"I never got to finish my arrow I was working on!" Arty said as she grabbed my arm.
The ship began to power up its laser and we all held our breaths for our impending doom when I looked back at Arty. "By the way, I'd like to say I've always found you extremely attractive!" I then closed my eyes gave her a kiss on the lips.
"Will you two stop that and get in here?" Con Bon yelled.
"Get in where?" Looking where he was, I saw he had kicked in the doors and had gotten Rob and Meg inside. "You mean to tell me I didn't have to say and do what I did just now? You couldn't have done that a second sooner?"
"Just get in here!" Con yelled.
We entered the house and barricaded the door with whatever we could find, except for Meg as she was like static cling on Con Bon's shirt. (SERIOUSLY, WHAT IS HER DEAL?)
"What are we gonna do?" I yelled. "We're trapped!"
"I don't know!" Arty yelled back.
"I say we go down fighting," Con Bon said. "Take as many as can with us. If they bleed, we can kill them."
"Uh, I'm a thinker, not a fighter," I stuttered.
"I like fighters," Meg said as she wrapped her arms around Con Bon's waist.
Somewhere above us, Rob out of Air cackled from his spot in the shadows (I hate it when he does that.) and began to sing "It's the end of the world as we know it, and I really don't mind!"
"Great," Arty said as she put her hands on her hips. "We got a genius chicken, a butt kicking wolf, an acrobatic ninja robin, a twitterpated vixen, and I'm a hot duck, what can we do?"
Just then, the door rattled from an impact from outside. We all turned to face it and saw a large crack form in its center. Another impact occurred followed by another and another. The vending machine Con Bon moved in front of it tipped over as with the cardboard standee of the Statue of Lizardy I had placed. (Yeah, I really didn't think that one through, guys.) Anyways, it wasn't long until the door burst open and in came a trio of the three legged aliens.
"Get back, you three legged freaks!" Con Bon charged head first and punched the first one he saw. It didn't do nothing. "Bad idea." The alien zapped him and he disappeared.
"AGH! We're all gonna die!" Arty shouted.
"Con Bon?" Meg said with her lip quvering. All that was left of him was his shirt, which she gripped onto.
"Meg, come on we gotta go!"
"No, it's too late. Go on without me. Just leave me Con's shirt… a little water…a magazine if you have one-"
She too was zapped and disappeared.
"OH SNAP!" I yelled when a paper ninja star hit one of the creatures in one of its three eyes.
Dropping from the ceiling (Don't ask me how he got up there or where he found a black bandanna to tie around his eyes and a black towel to pin to his shirt.) Rob landed in front of them with a baton whirling around and shouting ninja yells. He twirled his weapon around and around expertly and struck a defensive stance before motioning for the aliens to 'Just Bring It'.
He was zapped and disappeared as well.
"Well I think we can agree fighting them is pointless," I said.
"Then there's only one thing for us to do." Walking straight up to them like a boss, Arty started the lead alien right in the eye and…gave it the puppy dog pout. Her eyes went wide and beak-lip quivered as she looked up at the creature for a moment. Needless to say, she was zapped as well.
The aliens advanced on me after that. I began to shake in my feathers as they drew close. Their lasers powered up and aimed right at me. This was it. This was how the totally awesome and downright cute Chicken Wal was going to meet the big farmer in the sky. But before I go, I was going out doing what I always loved to do.
Reaching into a pocket, I pulled out a bag of Chicken Whizzies and began to eat them. They were the most delicious Chicken Whizzies I had ever tasted. I closed my eyes and waited to disappear but something entirely unexpected happened. They grabbed my bag of Chicken Whizzies and…shared them. They were eating my bag of Chicken Whizzies! I could only stare at them as their pod-like heads opened up and strange little orange creatures giggled and laughed as they ate the snack food.
"Uhh, what, what's happening here?" I looked each of them in the eyes as they gorged on my bag of Whizzies.
"We're sorry we scared you," the lead alien said. "We just wanted your Chicken Whizzies. They're the best!"
"Yeah, we don't have these on Omicron Persei Eight," another said.
"Hey guys, look!" the third one shouted. "I found the mother load!"
Turning back around to face the destroyed door, the three aliens laid eyes on the knocked over vending machine. It was full of Chicken Whizzies and they immediately began to feed it quarters to get to the sweet treats inside.
"Wait, so, you're here just for the Chicken Whizzies?" I asked. "Then why did you hit me on my perfectly symmetrical head? And why did you disintegrate my friends?"
"Well, first of all, Chicken Whizzies are the best snack food in the universe and we can't get enough of them. And secondly, we didn't disintegrate your friends. Our teleport beams malfunctioned and instead of teleporting any available Chicken Whizzies, they sort of transported them instead.
"They're all safe," the first one said. "I can have them back here in a flash."
With the push of a button, the alien teleported my friends back. Rob out of Air looked confused, Meg was in a fetal position with Con's shirt clutched tightly to her chest, and Arty was quietly reading a magazine article on what to do in a an alien invasion.
"Well, everyone is back as promised but we sort of had a problem with this one." The second alien brought back Con Bon who was standing straight up like a soldier at attention. He even had his hair coifed with a spit curl on the front. "We uh, kinda had trouble with this one. His brainwaves got crossed and-"
"And he wrecked our holding bay," the first one said. "I won't be able to get the dents out of there and I'm sure he doesn't have any intergalactic insurance on him."
"Yes, well, anyway, if you give me a minute I can put him back the way she was."
"No!" Meg yelled as she ran up to Con. "He's not scary anymore."
"Ah, Meg dahling," he said in a southern accent and got down on one knee, "Will you be so kind as to accompany me to the debutant ball that is prom occurring here in a fortnight?"
With a squeal of happiness, she flung her arms around his neck and began shouting 'Yes!' (Oy Vay. Don't mind me, I'm just gonna face palm while I develop diabeties from all this sugar, sugar they're makin'.)
"We're sorry to have scared you so, but after we get our ship fixed as it had a piece of our cloaking device missing, we'll take off for the Chicken Whizzie factory to pick up our order and go back home," the second alien said.
"Wait a second, you placed an order for Chicken Whizzies from another galaxy and are now picking them up?" Arty asked.
"Of course," the first alien said. "Have you seen the cost of off world shipping and handling? It's outrageous!"
Happy Harbor – Three weeks later at school. I would tell you the time but I kinda broke my watch when I fell out of the alien's spaceship.
Everything was back to normal, more or less. My uncle treats me like his own son now. (Arty was right, closure really does help. Thanks Cosmoduck, you really do know men.) He even let me sign up for track here in a month.
Rob out of Air was now the captain of the gymnastic squad. (He took his medicine and now he's extremely focused.)
Meg of the Litter and Con Bon have been dating ever since that night. (Who knew he could be a perfect gentleman and yet still give me a heck of a wallop upside the head every now and then).
As for Arty and myself, well, she fell for the hero of my little story. That's me, in case you haven't been following along and if you haven't then shame on you. No soup for you tonight.
So I guess it just goes to show, kiddies, as long as you've got friends and an ample supply of Chicken Whizzies on hand, there ain't no valley high enough, and there ain't no mountain low enough. Wait, that doesn't make any sense. It's ain't no mountain high enough, ain't no valley low enough. Yeah that's it. And remember…if there's trouble, you know who to call; the name's Wal, Chicken Wal, symbol of truth, justice, and the Chicken Whizzie way. Chicken Wal, your first, last, and only line of protection against the possibility of ever running out of Chicken Whizzies.
Everything was quiet in the living space the team had gathered in hours earlier. The TV cast its light on a near empty room with the only occupier soundly sleeping on the floor face down in a puddle of drool.
"He he…Chicken Whizzies," he mumbled before smacking his lips and continued sleeping.