A/N: Thanks for reading, again, I want to thank everyone who is reviewing. I love reading them all, I'm glad you're all enjoying Infatuation. Sorry for the lack of updates, I've been so preoccupied with life lately. I will be back on track shortly.

I hope you enjoy this chapter.

I keep asking myself why you keep coming back here. Then I thought to myself, you guys all love Olivia too. In some way, she has touched your heart, and you need to know what happened. You need clarification, just the same as I did! See, we all need something from someone.

I felt Olivia's concern for me growing, sometimes I'd burst into tears uncontrollably just to be held by her, other times I'd just watch as she worked.

My school didn't want me there, they thought I'd corrupt the kids with my tales of death and disfigurement. Truth be told, I don't care for stories, I just like talking about Olivia.

Olivia let me sit at a desk she'd made up for me, it was a small table, like one you'd eat a TV dinner on. She gave me a small pad of paper, a pen, an NYPD manilla folder and a portable DVD player to act as entertainment. I used to pretend I was a detective working a case and the DVD player was my cop laptop filled with secrets and data bases that could blow your mind if you even looked at it. It was all in my head, but as I walked around corners and throughout the building I'd be scoping out the bad guy with my eyes. The game felt even more real when I had my earphones in and music blasted through them drowning out everyone around me.

"What are you thinking?" Olivia asked me in jest as she ruffled my hair.

I smiled shyly, obviously embarrassed I'd be caught playing Spy the mega cop in a movie with my music on. I don't care what you guys say, everyone, at one point in their life has imagined being a cop or a spy and felt like they've been in a movie when music is their only companion.

"Just playing a game." I answered honestly.

"Cops and robbers?" Olivia asked me.

I shook my head in the negative, "Nope, more like cops and spies." I laughed, she laughed. It was beautiful.

"Ah, I see. Room for one more?" she asked pulling both hands up in a Charlie's Angel's pose. Her fingers intertwined from the pinky to the ring finger, then the rest standing proudly like a gun.

I smiled, "Sure, you want to see my case? It's all on my desk." I was proud of the case I'd come up with and Olivia smiled at me.

"Lead the way detective Maynard."

I spent hours working on that case, and Olivia breezed through it, then looked at me as if I'd chopped off an infants head and shown it to her. "Luke, where did you get this idea?" she asked me, now more concerned than I'd ever seen her.

"I just, thought of it." I told her, again, more honest than I should have been.

I felt totally pissed at Olivia for two days after that day. I found myself being picked up and taken to a Psych evaluation. Olivia thought I was nuts. I told the man in there, a short, fat man of forty something, I got the idea from a book I'd read. I couldn't remember the name of the book, but it was a real life story. A real life crime.

"It's just something I read, I turned it into a game." I said to him.

He nodded a couple times. "Right-o. And you play this game a lot?"

"No. It's not everyday I'm in a police station. It was just a game, I was bored."

"And you asked detective Benson to play with you?"

"No, she asked to play with me."

He was skeptical, his fat wobbled as he got up and looked out of his window dramatically, like there was a rolling camera behind him. He turned his head and gave me a crooked smile.

"Son, I see nothing wrong with you. You can go home."

Home? So Olivia sends me to this man who is clearly crap, he has no idea that I have no home and apparently I'm fine! I should write to him and tell him where I ended up, he should get fired for being so shit.

I have a theory, Home is where the heart is, so home is never in one place. If your heart belongs to someone else, your heart is in their hands, you love them and completely give yourself to them; is it your fault when they break your heart? When they leave you shattered and broken? If it's all their doing?

This is what I'd like you to understand about me folks, that I am not sadistic, I'm not a head fuck or have a screw loose. I am a victim of a broken heart, a man who will do anything he can to be loved by the woman who made me lose my mind. And yet, because of my actions, I'm the one that's stuck in here.

I'm not sick, or ruined or any of those things people keep saying about me. I have a heart. A broken one, but it's still there.

Someone once said, "'Pain lasts longer if you're alive to feel it.'" Beth someone or other was her name. It kinda seems obvious, that of course if you're alive, you can feel pain; but think about it, she's got a point. The most sadistic, messed up murderers and rapists and God only knows who else sit locked in this building with me, some killed because they don't want witnesses, others because that's their thing and they enjoy killing. Me, now I am the exception, I killed because I didn't want these women to suffer a life time of pain. I made sure they wouldn't be around to hurt for the rest of their lives, to never trust mankind again. To never feel broken hearted, like me.

The way I see it, is this, life is like a pane of glass, once shattered or broken it's impossible to fix so it's perfect again. That's why I killed those women, because I'm not a sicko!

It's not like I killed somebody's. I killed nobody's. I made sure the women I killed had no family, no one to cry over them, no one who loves them. I made sure they were women who would not be missed, see I do have a heart, and yes, technically, I'm premeditated; but I thought very carefully about my Godly actions. Only thing is, so did Olivia.

She must have had some concerns that ran a lot deeper than I could ever have imagined, it's how I was caught. After Olivia read my cops and spies case file, she knew there was something dark in me, and always being a cop first, put my DNA on the data base. It could have been anything, the soda cans, the gum I chewed. Anything, and I had no idea.

Olivia seemed off with me for a few days, the fact the shrink said I was fine didn't seem to matter to her. She didn't play any kind of games with me, she spoke to me matter of factly, and when someone did speak to me, it was Elliot.

I felt horrible, like a game I'd created to have some fun, completely destroyed the relationship I had once had with Olivia.

The game was this, there was a female spy, she was much older than me. She had been kidnapped, tortured and raped, it was my job to save the day. To figure it all out, to be the hero for once, instead of a whore's son, the victim of loss. I don't like to think Olivia feared me, but I think she feared what I was capable of. And indeed she should have been.

I found Olivia in the crib, she was silently sleeping, her chest moving up down so gracefully. She was beautiful. I stood in the doorway, I wanted so much to speak to her, but I couldn't. I knew she'd freak out, just the thought of me being by her side when she awoke probably scared the shit out of her, so I slipped a small folded piece of paper from my pocket and put it in her right shoe.

'Dearest Olivia.

I know what you think of me, and as much as it pains me, I know I shouldn't be in your life right now. It hurts to think you hate me, or you're scared of my mind. You have no need to be frightened. You can drop the case regarding my mother. Heck, if it helps, just tell everyone I did it. Then you can put this all behind you and forget all about me.

Anyway Olivia, I hope you have a great life.

See you around.

Luke.'

I left the one – six that day at five in the evening, and didn't return until I was brought in for questioning a few months ago. I had, by then already devised a plan.

I knew what I was going to do, I knew when, and mostly I had thought about the where too! I had everything mapped out in my brain. I smiled softly to myself when I realised just how smart I really was.

I was plagued by thoughts of Olivia Benson, and how much I wished I could see her. That night I made my way back to the fire escape and watched Olivia for three hours. I wished I could hear her, what she was talking about, and who she was talking to.

I wish I could smell her skin, look into her eyes, I wish never got me anywhere before. I knew what I had to do.

Wishing I would stop being a nobody never got me anywhere, it's me who changed my life, it's me who became a somebody. It's all me and it's always been me.

Be sure to come back soon and I'll tell you more of my tale.

A/N: Thanks for reading. I hope you've enjoyed this chapter, and as always if you have a spare couple of minutes, please review. I appreciate you taking the time to read this chapter, and I hope you come back for the fourth.

Beth xo