Chapter 4

Joss crouched behind the low cement block wall. Debris from the bullets hitting the top of the wall rained down on her head and the dust choked her. She glanced over at the uniformed officer who had accompanied her to the warehouse. He laid still, face down on the floor, blood from his chest wound pooling around him. She could not reach or help him, and she had to assume he was dead.

Carter had no idea how she was going to get out of this. She was low on ammunition, and there were at least three men shooting at her. She had tried calling for help, but the nearest precinct was a hot bed of corrupt HR cops and she knew they would not come to her aid. Fusco was out of town with his son on a fishing trip and John had stopped taking her calls months ago.

She was alone.

It wasn't supposed to be like this, the tip about the warehouse had seemed sketchy at best, she only checked it out to be thorough and complete, because that was her style. Almost as soon as they had entered the building, Officer Stevens had been shot in the chest and went down. Carter had been saved by the fact that she had been behind him and she managed to dive for the shelter of a four foot high block wall off to one side. But as soon as she had had a chance to look around she realized she was trapped, too far from a door or window to make a run for it. As soon as she was out of ammo, they would kill her.

She peeked around the wall staying low. She calmly picked off one of the shooters who had foolishly stood up from his cover to try and get a better shot at her. She immediately had to duck back behind the wall as a hail of bullets from his buddies hit the wall again.

She was beginning to think she was going to die here.

She briefly thought of Taylor. She knew her mother would take good care of him, but how would losing his remaining parent affect him? She could only hope he would be OK. She would never get to see him grow up, graduate high school, go to college, get married and have children of his own. She would never meet her grandkids.

She briefly thought of John. Would he miss her, would he even think about her at all? If his silence these last few months was any indication, probably not. She stifled a small sob and then pushed those thoughts out of her mind; she could not afford the distraction right now.

She peeked again, and was met with another hail of bullets. She stared at the door, it was a couple hundred feet way, and there was no cover, the floor on this side of the warehouse was completely open. Her odds of making it were slim to none; but it was about her only option at this point. Either that or she sat here and waited for them to come get her and kill her. Joss Carter would rather die trying, she had to run for it.

Taking a deep breath and setting her mouth in grim line, she got ready to run. Crouching down like sprinter waiting for the start of the race, she steeled herself for what she was about to do, then she heard 2 gun shots that didn't sound like the type of guns her adversaries had been using. It sounded like a Glock, and she knew who used a Glock….

She looked around the wall again to see John Reese striding across the warehouse floor towards Stevens. He knelt down and checked for a pulse in the officer's neck.

Joss gasped. It was so hard to see him again after all these months of no contact. He still had the same affect on her though; her stomach did a joyful flip and her heart hammered in her chest. She had to take a moment to recover and regain her composure, only then could she run over to him. "Should I call an ambulance?" She asked as John knelt over the wounded officer.

John didn't look up. "Don't bother, he's dead."

"Poor Stevens," Joss sighed.

John stood up. "Don't waste your pity on him, he was HR. He was supposed to lead you here so they could kill you, only he didn't know they were going to kill him too. HR discovered he was skimming some of the protection money he was collecting from the stores on his beat, so they thought they would kill two birds with one bullet." John was speaking in a hard, bordering on harsh, tone of voice, one she had never heard from him before. He did not look at her at all the entire time he was speaking; he kept staring down at the dead policeman.

He finally looked over at her and his face was hard and cold, the face of a stone cold killer. She took an involuntary step back. She had never seen John like this; there was no smirking, no flirting, no warmth, just a hard, angry man. Her face must have reflected the confusion she felt.

"What's the matter, detective? Don't like what you see?" He actually snarled at her. He had never spoken to her harshly before.

"John, what happened to you? Why are you acting this way?" She laid a hand on his arm. John actually glared at her hand as if it offended him somehow.

He gave her a hard look. "This is the real me, detective."

"No, it's not." Joss set her jaw, ready for a fight. She had no idea what game he was playing, but she was not in the mood for bullshit right then.

"How would you know? You don't know the things I've done, the people I've killed." He snarled at her, getting right down in her face in a failed attempt to intimidate her.

Joss held her ground and looked him squarely in the eye. "I know you've saved my life twice now, I know you've saved Taylor's life. I know you risk your life everyday for total strangers. John, I know this is not the real you, and I'd like to know why you feel the need to put on this show for me and why you cut me out of your life."

John stared at her, not realizing that his mask had slipped a bit and she could see the confusion in his eyes. He should have known he could not fool her, he never could. She always called him on his bullshit.

When Finch had first told John that Joss was being led into an HR ambush, he knew that if he was going to save her he was going to see her for the first time in months. He had not been sure he could see her, talk to her, and then walk away again. He had hoped that by adopting his assassin persona that he could show her he wasn't worthy of being a part of her life and he could get through this meeting with his resolve to do the right thing intact. She had blown that plan out of the water in just a few moments.

John closed his eyes and looked away. Having her so close was killing him, even covered in dust and debris she looked gorgeous to him. She had just had a very close call and he wanted to grab her up in his arms and hold her tightly to reassure himself that she was unhurt. But he didn't have the right to touch her, he shouldn't touch her. He had to turn away from her to keep his hands off.

"It was for your own good Carter. You don't belong in my world, and I sure as hell don't belong in yours," he said heavily.

Carter exploded with the intensity of a white hot burning sun, pouring all her hurt and anger she'd been feeling over the last several months into her tirade. "My own good? Are you kidding me? Who the hell are you to decide what's good for me? I don't belong in YOUR world? In case you have forgotten, I am a New York City Homicide Detective. This world IS my world, and I've been living here a lot longer than you. How DARE you! Fuck you and your paternalistic bullshit, Reese!"

With one swift motion of her leg, she swiped John off his feet and he landed on his ass on the floor next to Stevens' body. Had circumstances been different, she would have gotten a good laugh out of the comical, surprised expression on John's face, but she was far too furious to even notice it at that point.

"Carter, listen to me, I didn't want to hurt you, but I didn't want your life destroyed because of me. The CIA will never leave you alone as long as I'm around, my enemies will be your enemies too. Do you know how many people that is? How dangerous they are?" John started to pick himself off the floor, but Joss swiped his legs again, dumping him back on his butt.

"Did you ever consider talking to me like a damned ADULT? I've been taking care of myself, in a dangerous job, in this city for a long time before you showed up. I can handle myself!" She yelled at him.

John started to get up again and Joss took another swipe, but this time he was ready for her. He grabbed her leg, stopping her momentum cold, and this time it was Joss who went down on her rear end. John pounced on her, pinning her to the ground. He was kneeling over her, each of his legs pinning one of hers and each hand holding down an arm. She glared up at him, vibrating with anger and, he realized belatedly, hurt.

"Joss, I've brought so much chaos and danger into your life. I didn't want you get hurt because of me; I couldn't live with myself if that happened. I wanted you to have your life back; you deserve to have your life back. That's all I was trying to do, all I wanted to do was to protect you, from me."

John stared down at Joss and she stared back up at him. They stayed like that for several minutes just looking at each other. All the fight gradually drained out of Carter and she stopped struggling, but a tear dripped out of eye and ran down her temple into her hair.

"Do you know how much time I spent trying to figure out what I did to piss you off? Why you cut me out of your life?" she said, her voice quivering with the pain and loneliness that she had felt for the past months.

John stared down at her, his heart aching in his chest. She stared back, eyes glistening with tears she was trying to suppress. John suddenly realized that she thought he had cut her off because he didn't care; because she meant nothing to him. She had no idea that he did care, very, very much, and she actually meant everything to him. He honestly had tried to do the right thing for her, to put aside any selfish desires on his part, to place her safety first; and he was beginning to realize that he had screwed up, badly. Finch had been right after all.

John wanted to tell her how he felt, how much she meant to him, how these last few months had nearly killed him. But the words would not come. Impulsively, he reached down and kissed her, hoping the gesture would substitute for the words he was unable to say. He pulled back, and saw the shocked expression on her face. He had failed again.

"Get off me, please," she demanded.

John moved off her, she got up and simply walked away. She didn't even look back.

John watched her go, and then he sadly began cleaning up the warehouse, completely removing all traces of her presence from the HR shootout. The very least he could for her was keep her out of this mess when the corrupt local precinct discovered their plot failed.

Later he walked into the library and as soon as he saw Finch's face, he sighed. "Go ahead and say it".

"I told you so." Finch said, but it did not feel any better. "She nearly died today; HR took advantage of our inattention."

"I know Finch." Reese sat down heavily in his chair. "I tried to do the right thing, to keep her safe and it nearly killed her. To top it all off, I hurt her, now she's furious with me."

"What are you going to do about it, John?"

"I don't know."

"You could apologize, make some gesture to her to show her how important she is to you."

"I'll think of something, Harold."