Chapter 3

"Wicked child!" The woman roared, marching up to Blackadder's bed and slapping him on the head. "The title 'Aunt' implied that I had a life before joining the Inquisition, and as we all know, life implies having duties to others besides the Emperor, and having duties to those who are not the Emperor is clearly a sin!"

She backhanded him for good measure and continued. "Now be a good boy like that cousin of yours – Eomer, was it? – and say hello to your uncle."

"Good morning, uncle. How's the vow of silence going?" Without waiting for a reply, Blackadder continued on. "Aunt, Uncle, may I introduce Commissar George, and Medicae House. House, George, my Aunt Gertrude and Uncle Thomas Whiteadder, the most fanatical Imperialists in the Segmentum*, along with…"

Edmund trailed off as he noticed a third, unfamiliar Inquisitor.

"Amberley Vail," she politely filled in for him.

"An honor to meet you all," George bowed. "Really corking, I must say. Can't wait until I tell my families about this – we still talk about how you purged Skadenvald last Emperormas of those filthy cute, fluffy, cuddly xenos forests scum who were encroaching upon the Emperor's sacred domains."

"Charmed." House grinned wolfishly and kissing Inquisitor Amberley on the hand, eliciting a strong look of disapproval from the Whiteadders, though she found it rather amusing.

"Yes, yes, now if we can get on to the more important matter of who is trying to poison me, it would be much appreciated," Edmund remained them, annoyed at George's blathering and House's lechery. "Did anyone find out who was supposed to be in charge of recaf today?"

"Yes, actually." Gertrude nodded. "James Foner, Corporal. Dead, stabbed multiple times, body found in a sealed storage bin. Someone noticed that it was leaking blood and decided to investigate. Clearly, we have an assassin on board."

"I say, rather smashing, isn't it?" George perked up remarkably upon hearing the news. "Just what we needed to break up the monotony aboard the ship! A good sleuthing will do the trick, I'm sure. If the Inquisition needs any help just sign me up and I'll be good to go!"

"Which planet did we recruit him from?" House whispered to Edmund.

Edmund rolled his eyes. "Maybe someone thought it was a good idea to visit Stupidia?"

There have been numerous attempts on my life over the many, many years I have spent as a Commissar, so it came as no suprise to me that something had happened aboard the Imperial Revenant after I had boarded. According to Amberley, a Guard colonel had intercepted a pot of recaf intended for the conference room and ended up being poisoned by it. He was currently in stable condition, and would hopefully be able to help capture the assassin before we had to confront the Orks.

As always, Jurgen had kept a thermos of hot tanna leaf tea on his person, which helped me relax at the thought that, somewhere on the ship, was someone who's expressed purpose was to kill me. The trace amounts of caffeine in the tea also helped me stay awake during the monotonous droning of General Melchett, a staff officer who had obviously risen to his current position through virtue of heredity, upbringing, and an enormous moustache.

Bored with the general's endless droning on the strategic situation, I turned to my left and once again admired the form of Colonel Kasteen, who was sitting beside me as usual during briefings. Her vivid blue eyes were glazed over like many others there, clearly desperate for something more eventful.

Well, it wasn't long before we got our wish, because just as Melchett finished reporting on the latest territorial losses by the PDF, explosions rang throught the ship, sending the entire conference room into disarray. I instinctively threw myself on top of Kasteen in order to shield her against any debris and drew my laspistol in case something had boarded.

"What happen?" I heard Melchett shout, over the wailing sirens.

"Someone set up us the bomb," I thought I heard his aide shout from beneath him. "We get signal!"

"What?" Melchett asked, smoothing out his mustache in anxiety.

"Main screen turn on."

The holofield shuddered for a moment before coming back to life and projecting the image of a tall, thin blue alien.

"It's you!" Melchett shouted at the Tau figure.

"How are you gentlemen?" It asked, in heavily accented Gothic. "All your base are belong to us. You are on the way to destruction."

"What you say?"

"You have no chance to survive, make your time. Ha Ha Ha Ha…" The Tau figure laughed and faded away.

I believe I was the first to speak after the transmission.

"That was the strangest Tau message I have ever encountered. Usually they try to sucker us into the whole 'Greater Good' thing like used aircar salesmen."

Melchett shrugged as he slid back onto his chair.

"Doesn't matter what they're acting like, they're damn xenos and must be purged from the Imperium like the stain that they are! They may have caught us with our pants down, but we will not let this go unpunished. Sabotage and a pretty damn clear indication that they've started attacking our bases. We've got to move in and take them out pronto – them and those damn Orks, in the Emperor's name. For great justice!"

"Commissar," Kasteen whispered to me, as Melchett raged on, "You can get off me now."

*You have NO idea.