Chapter 8

"At least the shuttles are still working," Edmund muttered, strapping himself into his seat. "Percy, what's the situation on the ground? Are we going to get shot at repeatedly again or what?"

"Well, Edmund, I have been studying the data slates at some length, and I am happy to report that we won't be blown to smithereens this time, for even though the xenos control large portions of the central desert, their anti-aircraft batteries are not strong enough to reach our strongholds in the north." Percy replied from the seat across the aisle. "Unfortunately, since we are going up against the Tau, who can shoot us, and the Orks, who have threatened to 'rip out our arms and smack us 'umies o'er the head in a right good manner', I cannot guarantee things will be as smooth once we start fighting."

"Well I'm certainly not going to let some smelly, barbaric, bumbling xenos or one of those filthy greenskins be the end of me. Rest assured, we're going to get though this one alright. In the time we were in the void, I came up with no less than seventeen different plans for surviving this situation, sixteen of which involve the use of Baldrick's corpse to ward off certain death."

"And the seventeenth?"

"I defect to the winning side and kill Baldrick to please my new alien masters."

"How... unorthodox." A familiar dreadful smell filled the air as another person boarded the shuttle.

"Yes, I know, sod off Baldrick." Edmund snapped, massaging his temples in anticipation of the coming headache that always accompanied interactions with Baldrick.

"I'm sorry, but you must have me confused with someone else," the man replied, sitting down next to Edmund. The odor was truly offensive at this proximity, bad enough to cause Percy to bolt and seek refuge in the forward section of the shuttle. Edmund, who was restrained by webbing, did not have that option available to him and resigned himself to another round of suffering courtesy of that vengeful man on Terra.

"Name?" He asked, curtly. "Rank, and date of last shower?"

"Gunner Jurgen, sir. Valhallan 597th. 1332998M41, a quarter after noon on a rather pleasant Emperor's Day," the soldier responded politely. "I'm sorry to intrude, but I was assigned to evacuate with you. General Melchett's aide ordered me here to accompany you."

"Typical of Darling," Edmund muttered. "Well, you're in the right spot. I have a feeling you'll make fast friends with at least one person in this outfit. And here he is now, 'Socks and Sweat' Baldrick, leading the rest of the company from far ahead, because none dare follow him too closely."

Edmund wanted to throw up. The shuttle never agreed with his stomach, and the fact that the two most malodorous soldiers in the Imperium had struck up a fast friendship, bonding over their mutual appreciation of turnips, was not helping. His sense of self preservation swiftly dictated that he ignore standard safety protocols, undo his restraints, and seek safer grounds. He staggered past Sergeant Able, trod on the toes of a Kriegan commissar, flew through the air past two senior Valhallan officers as the shuttle encountered a rough patch of turbulence, landed on Percy, and tumbled right up to the cockpit door.

"If the amphetamine crazed monkey flying this thing can spare a moment, I'd like to ask how bloody long will it be until we're on solid ground!" Edmund yelled, banging on the door to get the pilot's attention.

"Sir, with all due respect," the pilot responded with a forced calmness, "Get the frak back to your seat and stay there until the fasten seat belt sign turns off."

Something very loud and explody burst outside the shuttle and Edmund found himself pinned against the ceiling by g-forces as the shuttle spiraled down towards the surface and the cabin filled with smoke. The sound of machine gun fire came from outside, followed by the sound of a very crude jet engine rushing past them.

"Ladies and gentlemen," the pilot droned in the same artificially smooth voice that he had been using earlier, "I regret to inform you that we are being attacked by the orks, have lost power to the engines, and are currently plummeting towards the ground at roughly twice the speed of sound. If you would take a moment to pray to the Emperor for me, I would be much obliged. Also, if anyone is on good terms with the Omnissiah, now would be the time to try and call in a favor."

"Percy, do something!" Edmund shouted to his psyker. "I can't kill Baldrick from over here!"

"I can't lift the shuttle, Edmund, we're too heavy," Percy cried. "And the orks are too far away, and we'd have to open the shuttle doors anyways to shoot lightening at them, I'm upside down, and I don't -"

"Engines! We've lost power to engines!" Edmund realized. "You can make electricity, right?"

Percy nodded and Edmund turned towards the others the best he could. "Someone find the power conduit!"

As the shuttle erupted into a frenzy of activity, Edmund pushed against the ceiling and crawled towards the seats next to the wings, where a power conduit would most logically be located. As luck would have it, a female officer yelled that she found the conduit, and removed a smoking panel below her feet to reveal an array of fried circuitry. A soldier opposite of her did likewise to a panel next to his feet, but his massive muscles prevented him from reaching down into the circuits. Edmund looked up at the mess, then down at Percy who was struggling with his seat belt. There was only one thing to be done, and he was probably the only one who could do it.

Edmund tightened up his scumball muscles and leapt up wards towards the circuitry. The g-forces shortened his jump, but he managed to catch onto the muscular soldier's harness, then grab onto the underside of his seat, and finally swing a hand to reach into the conduit and grab half of a thick rubber tube leading to the wings. It had been severed in half and a length of copper wire exposed, so Edmund yanked the tube out and motioned for the woman to do the same.

"Percy, over here!" Edmund yelled, as the woman pulled out her length of tubing. "Hit the wire!"

Percy dropped his belt buckle and shot a steady stream of electricity past half the passengers at the exposed copper wires, causing Edmund's hair to stand on end as an ungodly amount of electricity rushed between his hands. The engines came back to life with a harsh whirling sound and the shuttle quickly regained control. Edmund's joy at not having to crash into the planet was short lived, however, as the shuttle righted itself causing him to drop towards the ground and the wire that he had exposed. Edmund braced himself for a painful demise as he fell towards an electric doom, and stopped an inch short of Percy's stream of lightening.

"Got you," the strong man exclaimed, holding onto Edmund by the waist.