Dear Sempai
Disclaimer: I do not own SkipBeat! or any of the characters from the Manga.
Summary: Lory has conceived yet another devious scheme, wrapped in the guise of a LoveMe assignment. All the girls have to do is to write at least one letter a week to the person they respect the most. Simple… right?
Letter 16
Dear Friend,
Once again, I am writing this from our hotel room in Kobe. Tomorrow afternoon we head home, and I am glad. I will be even more pleased when this film is in the can*. It is not that I haven't [the word "enjoyed" shows signs that Kyoko intended to cross it out, but then stopped] working as your sister… I honestly have. Please believe me?
Please forgive me if I am interfering where I have no business, but I hate what this movie is doing to you. Every day that you play Striker, you seem to sink deeper into some sort of personal darkness, and I don't know what to do to help you. The problem is that I am not a good enough. I should confess that several weeks before flying to California, I called Takarada-Shacho to talk to him about what is happening to you. He told me that all I needed to do was be there for you, supporting you. But what I am doing doesn't seem to be enough.
I thank you for supporting my concerns about… the sleeping arrangements, but I have [the writing here becomes more erratic] decided that perhaps, if it helps you, if that is what you need, then I will… return to the other arrangement. When I finish this letter… I will resume my place… Anyway, you will understand when you awake and find me close to you. Please understand that I am only doing this to support you. I am not like those crazed fan-girls who constantly throw themselves in your path. I am a pure and innocent Japanese maiden who is simply seeking to lend comfort to a suffering friend! That is all!
Please, Sempai, I know it is not my place, but please talk to me? What is the darkness that threatens to consume you when you act in this role? I do not like playing bully roles, but it doesn't affect me in the way that it is affecting you. It seems almost as if something is hurting you. I know that I am unworthy, but please talk to me and let me help? [the page is crinkled here, as if liquid fell in drops on the page and was hastily wiped up. Several of the calligraphy characters are also slightly smeared]
[This next part resumes Kyoko's normal, elegant writing style, indicating that she left the letter and returned to it later, after she had regained her composure]
This week our topic is Our Bucket List. You probably know this, but a bucket list is a list of things or achievements that a person wishes to complete before she dies. It sounded like a fun idea, but I found it much harder to complete than I expected. You were wondering why I was sitting and scribbling so furiously in the corner of the studio today, so now you know: I was trying to write my list. Some of it feels selfish, some of it seems presumptuous or impossible, but here are the ten things I hope to accomplish before I die:
My Bucket-List
To become an real actress
Someday I hope to leave behind my amateur status and truly become an actress who is worthy of note. I wish to star in as many roles as possible in as many different genres as possible. As I mentioned once, I hope to somehow find my true self in these roles. I don't know if this will ever happen, as I seem to be stuck in bad-girl bully roles, but I will continue to try. You, as my sempai, have taught me the true joy of acting, and I can't imagine pursuing a different career than this.
To co-star in a movie or drama with Tsuruga Ren
If I ever achieve my first goal, then perhaps this second goal will be possible: I want to act with you as a co-lead without making you disappointed, disgusted, or annoyed. This is the only way that I will be able to justify all of the hard work you have poured into me as my sempai. Please don't laugh. I know that I have a long journey to travel before I am worthy of this honor, but I promise to work long and tirelessly to make myself worthy. So please don't do anything like move away and become a huge Hollywood megastar like Otou-san? Forgive me, I shouldn't ask such things, but I refuse to strike those words out. It is my dream to earn the right to be your co-star.
To become somebody who Otou-san, Okaa-san, and all my friends can be proud of
I know that the Hizuri's are not my parents, but they made me feel that I was their special daughter when I was in their home. Perhaps they do this with everyone? They certainly seem to have the capacity for caring for many people. They truly are wonderful! So that is my third goal: Someday I would like to make them proud of me. Perhaps it is only a dream, but I long to have them speak about me in the way that Otou-san speaks of his son, Kuon. Is this even possible, since I couldn't ever make my own mother proud?
Also my friends: it cannot be easy for you, or Kanae-san, or Chiori-san, or others to think of me as your friend when I have so many flaws. I would like to become a person who you would be proud to be seen with.
To graduate from the LoveMe Section with Kanae-san and Chiori-san
I do not know that this will ever happen for me, though, since Takarada-shacho put me into the LoveMe Section to regain my lost emotion… but how can that ever be possible? The emotion that he speaks of only leads to hurt and anguish. Isn't it better not to chase something that causes such pain? Still, seeing the way that the Okami-san and Taisho, and Otou-san and Okaa-san love each other… but perhaps that is for other people. I will be content to believe that such pure feeling is out there, and that I might catch a glimpse of it from time-to-time. Kanae-san claims to hate family, but the truth is that she is always taking care of and worried about her family. Chiori-san claims that she needs to re-learn a love of acting; yet she seems to love acting whenever we work together. Only I seem to be bereft of the necessary emotion.
To see the world
This was my first time leaving the country, and it has lit a fire in me. I want to see many different places, meet many different people, and even learn more languages. You have starred in films from other countries. What was it like? I want to see all of the great landmarks. I want to act in foreign films. I want to be pen-pals with people from across the world (perhaps our President knew that letter-writing would be good for me. I feel almost free to share my thoughts on paper, so I may burden people with my letters for many years to come]
To pay back my debts
I owe so many people so much. Not just money, though I do owe that as well. But so many people, yourself included, have done so much for me over the past two years; and I feel that I must repay their many kindnesses, even if it takes me the rest of my life.
But how can I do it? Consider yourself, for example: you have helped me in so many ways, from car rides to free advice. You have been my greatest support (please don't tell Moko-san I wrote this) and you gave me the courage to take on roles that were far beyond my present skill level. When I was being foolish, you scolded me. When I was crying and being weak, you held me (please don't misconstrue this. I am aware that you did this as a friend and that you have no deeper feelings for me). You have even helped me to maintain my character as Setsu, despite the fact that I was supposed to be here to support you.
To complete a college degree
I thought that I would be content just to finish high school, but after meeting the younger people while I was in California, I have begun to change my mind. Although I can't imagine how I would afford it, I would also like to attend college and complete a degree in film, as they are doing or have already done. I have always loved school and learning, though I didn't always like the other students. I will graduate from high school in two more months, so I will need to begin the college application process as soon as I can. I suppose that will make it more difficult to pay of my monetary debts, but I will work hard and find a way.
To see my friends accomplish their dreams
Kotonami Kanae wants to be the best actress in Japan. I already think that she is great, but she wants the rest of Japan to recognize her and acknowledge her as the best. With that, of course, will come the best roles. I hope that I will be able to act with her again before she becomes too famous to be on the same set as someone like me. I will work hard so that neither she, nor you, leaves me behind. Chiori-san has been talking about exploring other pursuits within the entertainment world, such as directing, producing, and writing. I think that she would be a great writer, as she already writes all of the time… though she hasn't shared what she writes with us. What about you, Sempai? Since you are already so famous, are you content as you are, or do you have an even greater dream? If I can help in any way, please don't hesitate to ask.
To be as happy as the Hizuri's
I mentioned this before, but there is something so wonderful and magical about the way that Otou-san and Okaa-san treat each other. When they are together, it seems like they can't bear to be out of each other's sight. When they are apart due to their work, which happens often, they call and email regularly. He holds her as if she is the most precious possession in the entire world. She looks at him as if he hung the stars in the sky. Even when Otou-san does something silly or over-the-top (which happens a lot), Okaa-san simply shakes her head and tousles his hair as if he is an unruly, adorable little boy. Is it wrong to want something like this for myself, even though I have vowed to spurn that emotion forever? Perhaps… only perhaps… I could reconsider. But then, how could any man look at me in the way that Kuu looks at Julie. She is perfect, and I am me.
To play a princess in a movie
Please don't laugh. I needed one more goal, and though it is embarrassing to write about, I have to admit that this has always been one of my dreams. When I was little, I once met a boy who I thought was a real prince… well, a prince of the faerie kingdom (please remember, I asked you not to laugh). I recently found out that he wasn't a prince of the faeries, but in a way he is a prince, since his parents are like royalty. I also called another boy my prince, but he turned out to be lower than a frog. But despite all of that I have always wanted to be a princess. Kyoto, being the old capital, is full of castles. I always dreamed of living in one and wearing beautiful silk gowns as I helped the people. That will never happen, but it would be like a dream to be able to act as a princess, even if only once. I realize that this final goal is a selfish, childish goal, but it is my dream nonetheless.
Thank you for reading this. I feel bad about writing such a long letter and burdening you with the responsibility of reading it. Please wait to read it until I am not nearby. It would be unkind for you to let me hear you laugh. As to what I wrote in the first part of this letter, please allow me to help. Please allow me to support you, in whatever small way that I am able.
Your friend,
Mogami Kyoko
Dear Chiori-san,
Please forgive me for taking so long to reply to your letter. I was on a trip which, for certain reasons, I was asked to keep confidential, so I couldn't post this until I arrived back in Japan.
I enjoyed reading your list. I honestly didn't think of writing things like "get my pilot's license," and "climb Mt. Everest." Perhaps I was thinking too simply. Still, I like my list, though it was embarrassing to allow Tsuruga Ren to read it.
Speaking of embarrassing, I was flattered and embarrassed by your second goal, when you wrote that you wanted to become an actress of my caliber… surely you know that I am nowhere near you level? You are a veteran actress and highly talented, while I am merely a beginner. Nevertheless, you honor me. I hope that we will have many, many opportunities to act together in the future.
Of course, that might not be possible if your third goal is successful. I never imagined you leaving acting in favor of directing, writing, or producing. Surely you don't mean to leave acting altogether, since that would conflict with your second goal, right? But if you do become a director and writer, then I hope that you will consider me for at least a minor role in one of your films… Would it be self-serving to mention that I always wanted to play a princess?
I'm glad that Moko-san is speaking to me again. I really hate keeping secrets from her, but the secrets I am keeping are not my own. I am honor-bound to guard the secrets of another person, even if this means that Moko-san thinks that I don't trust her. Perhaps, now that I am returned to Tokyo, we could all have a sleepover at your house? Your mother is so gracious and kind, and neither Kanei-san nor I have accommodations that would be comfortable for the three of us. I feel sorry for Moko-san now that her family has moved in on her again. For a while it looked like her older siblings would make-good, but now things have returned to normal. Then again, I can't feel too sorry, because I would rather have family than live alone.
I will speak with you again tomorrow. Please consider my request,
Mogami Kyoko
Dear President,
Despite our previous phone call, I still feel that I need more information than has currently been provided to me. How can I be expected to support and protect Tsuruga Ren when I don't even understand what is happening?
I do know this: every day that he acts as the serial killer, he seems to lose more of himself. I am doing everything I can to support him, but I am not sure that it is a "sister" that he needs right now. Please, Sir, help me to help him? I am more and more worried about him with each passing day. Either he will collapse, or he will kill someone. One of the actors was already almost killed. I don't know what was happening, but I somehow think that I am involved. The man persisted in talking with me, and my "brother" did not like that.
I will be filming for Box 'R all day tomorrow to make up for the delays caused while I was gone. In the evening I would appreciate it if I could come to your office so that we might speak?
Sincerely,
Mogami Kyoko
Notes: Thank you to everyone for your suggestions for Kyoko's bucket list. They say great minds think alike (perhaps it is good that our do as well?); my original list matched most of yours, but I was worried that it sounded too contrived. Your suggestions helped me to regain my confidence as well as providing several ideas that I had overlooked.
*in-the-can is a term that means that the film is complete and the film is packaged, ready to be shipped to the theater.
On another note: for some reason, when I click on the reply URL that FF provides within the email, I keep getting error messages. I honestly intended to answer all your reviews this time, but have been unable to do so. Has anyone else experienced this problem?