"What's a four letter word for handsome?" Dean asked as I worked meticulously to fry up some eggs and bacon and sausage and a roll to fit it all in. I glanced at him at the kitchen table with a little smile. His brows were furrowed in focus as he worked on the crossword puzzle he always tried to finish when he was here. He had been working on it for about eight months but I didn't have the heart to tell him he wouldn't finish it.

"I don't know...," I sighed, pretending to be in deep thought, "Dean?"

"Hey...," he grinned, placing the pen against his teeth like he always did when he was being cute, "Don't start something we don't have time to finish."

I looked back at the food that was under my care. We didn't have time to finish this, we didn't have time to finish anything. I grabbed a plate and placed the roll open, making sure to carefully place the egg, then the bacon, then the sausage before folding it up. I continued to ignore his comment as I placed his plate before him but I knew he was expecting me to say something but I couldn't. I walked to the fridge and pulled out the milk from his coffee but suddenly his arm shot out around me and pushed the door closed. I turned around quickly and looked up at him as he pushed me against the fridge.

"Dean, what are you doing?" I asked, not being able to hide the smile that suddenly turned sour as I added, "What happened to not starting something we can't finish?"

"I don't want to leave things..with you frowning," he sighed against my hair, taking the time to push back all the stray pieces that ran into my face.

"Then don't leave," I couldn't help but to snap. He pulled away from me, sending me into freezing cold, as he tried to mask the pain on his features. I ran behind him and wrapped my arms around his middle, keeping my face pressed against his back as I mumbled, "Atleast until you finish what you're starting."

He turned back around to look at me and smirked, "You know, there are a couple of things I'd like to try...but they only take a minute a piece."

I frowned instantly at that comment but he turned around in my arms and lifted my chin up.

"Cheer up Charlie," he smiled, holding my face in his hands and squishing it a little to make me laugh, "You know you got me."

I couldn't help but to grumble, "Yeah..atleast until you're done with breakfast."

"Lori...we've talked about this...," he frowned. It was true. We did talk about this, I thought as I laid my head against his shoulder and rested his against my head.

"I'm sorry, Dean," I apologized, letting a few tears fall down because he couldn't see them. "I just...I miss you so much when you're away."

"I miss you too, Baby," he whispered, stroking my hair as he held me close. I took in a deep breath, almost at the same time he did, to try and memorize the moment for future reference. I didn't want my Dean to leave and I didn't want to have to wait another two months before he'd arrive at my door step. I wanted to be with him, out on the road, kicking ass, being the girl he deserves, and most importantly being healthy. I wanted so much for us. But then he began to pull away as he said, "I'll call you. I really will, I'll tell you about the nightmares too. I promise."

I looked up at him, unable to hide my smile, "Really?"

He nodded his head and gave me the weak little gaurded smile he did when he was leaving, "Really, really. I promise."

With that it was understood. There'd be no more discussion for the rest of breakfast. I walked him back to his seat and went back to making his coffee the way he liked it. I got myself a grapefruit, a suggestion of doc jr.'s, and began to eat it slowly as Dean scarfed down his meal. It wasn't that he was trying to rush; he just ate very fast. But the whole time he ate I made sure to look at him studying the puzzle, eating his food, making a mess, and tried not to think of him leaving. I tried not to think...this is it. But by the time he was finished I was hardly half way done with my fruit-not that it mattered, I didn't feel much like eating anyway.

But we had our ritual to undergo. I scooted my chair closer to his and rested my head against his shoulder while he wrapped his arm around me and kept me close. We held hands and traced lines on our palms and tried to remember the little things that would keep us smiling when everything else had turned to shit. Atleast, that's how he described it the first time we set this system up. For twenty minutes we sat there in the company of each other's heartbeat and the looming dread that washed over us as second by second ticked by. We didn't say it out loud but any of these days could be our last, him fighting the war at home and me fighting the war in my body. A wrong move could get him killed and with me...any second my body could just give up fighting. That's what we understood and that's what we didn't want to admit. But even so we still had these moments to reflect back on.

After the twenty minutes were up we stood from our position. In silence he helped me clean up the kitchen and wash the dishes, making sure to not stop touching me the whole way through. When we were done with the dishes, with my back against the sink, he took my hands and held them between us as he kissed my fingertips one by one and I kissed his knuckles that always got the bad end of the trouble his mouth started. We walked together to the door and there I picked up the roses that we had forgotten while he picked up the gun. He looked at me with a raised eyebrow, I knew there was so much he wanted to say, but he just rested it on the little table while he got a vase filled with water and brought it to me. I placed the roses inside the vase and left on the little table in the entry way beside my gun, figuring that I'll take care of it when he was gone.

But why did he have to leave?

He wrapped his arms around my waist just as I began to feel my eyes prickle and guided me outside. We walked down step by step to the Impala and I thought back to the promise inside that I made: I wasn't going to cry. But with each step that promise crumbled and the tears were flowing just like they always did.

When we got to the Impala he pushed me against it and held my face in my hands tight and I grabbed at his shirt and held on like I never wanted to let go. He kissed me then and I kissed him back but this kiss was much different from the ones inside. The ones inside were gentle and nurturing, more giving than anything else, but these were raw and brutal and they tried to absorb and swallow and release the pain, the anger, the fear, the anguish that was building up the closer we got to him living away. My lips pressed hard and his pressed harder, threating to make blood pour but it never did. We were rough only because these kisses where last few feats of a burning flame..and our seconds were trickling down to zero.

Dean finally pulled away but I wasn't ready. I reached my hands up and pulled his face back to mine, holding onto his hair as we kissed good and long and when I pulled away next I was back against his mouth as if there was no chance of release. But this was just the death dance of our love and no matter how hot it got outside there was no chance of brining this back in. We pulled apart and finally our burning flame was just a dying ember. I gave him one last gentle kiss before walking him to his side. He got into the driver's seat and started the Impala while I leaned into the window.

There were so many things I wanted to say then but I knew that it was against the rules-although unspoken these rules couldn't be broken because they would end our relationship. For the second I took to look into his eyes the tears stopped and the thoughts ended but they came right back up when he leaned in and kissed me gently again. He reached his hand into my hair and pushed it behind my ear as I smiled, "I'm gonna miss you, Baby."

"I'm going to miss you too, Babe," I replied in the little whisper my voice would allow.

He kissed my forehead, making me smile because he knew those kisses were my second favorite, "Stay strong, and stay safe."

"Right back atcha," I winked, hiding my tears in the fake smiles I had grown up using. He saw this, saw that I was hiding, and he coaxed me back out with another kiss, our last one, one last passionate, raw time. Then I pulled away and walked to the sidewalk to wait for him to wave goodbye. One of us at to pull the plug or else the other would stay there dragging out this death dance, and it wasn't fair. I waited on the sidewalk and honked three times and then he was gone.

I held myself together long enough to go inside the house. I shut the door then and plopped down on the ground like I always did and started to cry where he couldn't see. Why was it that each visit got shorter and shorter and harder and harder to say goodbye? That day I spet in bed numb and restless no matter how much medicine I took. I wished for those nightmares to come because I wanted the fear to replace how empty and sad I had become. I wanted to feel something, anything again.

But it didn't work. Sleep was just empty black that disolved into moments of radiating light and then back into nothing. It was just me rolling around the bed we once shared and trying to find someone that was gone, someone that could never truly be mine. After a while though I stood. I wasn't sure what time it was but it was dark, very dark, and I wasn't sure why I was standing. And then I remembered I forgot the locks and the saltlines.

I went back through the house, reapplying the lines where they needed to be and putting in the codes and locking all the doors. For some reason I didn't feel so safe in my home anymore, not without Dean there to protect me anyway. I sat down at the kitchen table and stared into the empty space that had once been taken up by my love. My eyes were still watery but the try tears on my lashes created a barrier that wouldn't let them fall. I closed my eyes and put my shirt up to my nose, it smelled like him, like magic.

I tried to think of what he would be doing now with Sam. I tried to think of the third degree Sam would give him and just in general tried to think of what Sam was like. I though that maybe if Sam knew I existed he'd give Dean a longer leash and they could both visit me from time to time. I thought if he knew they'd both be here in my kitchen...I opened my eyes to check but it was only me in the darkness again.

I stood then from the table and decided to walk back to my room. I laid on the bed and closed my eyes, not sleeping but just being. I took in deep breaths, six, and tried to absorb what was left of him in my room. I prayed for a dream...so I could see him one more time.

But it wasn't what I was expecting.