In the girls room

When the other girls entered the room, they saw XYZ sitting forlornly at the table with an untouched cup of tea in front of her. Gently, they sat around the table.

ZW reached across the table and tugged on XYZ's hand to get her attention: "XYZ, are you alright?"

XYZ snapped out of her daze and looked gratefully at her friends: "I'm…I don't know…"

SY also looked at her friend in concern: "XYZ, I'm sorry. ET shouldn't have mentioned it…"

XYZ shook her head: "No. Qing-er was right, it's something I should have seen coming. While she was tutoring me, we didn't just cover language, but also some history and culture and, well, rules of palace life. Most of which I don't agree with and I still think they're all stupid, but …" She sighed.

Qing-er wrapped her arms around XYZ: "Oh XYZ, I taught all of that to you not to cause you sadness and pressure but so that you can understand YQ's opinions and upbringing better. I just wanted to help protect you by informing you of how others see you."

XYZ nodded: "I know Qing-er, I know your good intents. ZW, don't be so worried. I'm alright. Ever since you left the palace, I've had more time to think by myself. Qing-er and my brother visits, but I still have plenty of free time on my hands. I don't think I'm the same XYZ you first met. Living with YQ has taught me to think about the consequences of my actions. I just want to be worthy of him…"

ZW smiled gently: "Silly XYZ, YQ has never considered you unworthy of him."

XYZ sighed: "So he has told me. But…I really think he would be a good Emperor, and I don't want to take that away from him, from this country."

SY asked carefully: "But XYZ, do you think he would be happy?"

XYZ looked startled: "What do you mean?"

SY: "Well. I know YQ is a very talented individual. He's also a very disciplined and moral person, which are both attributes a good ruler needs. But do you think he would be happy in the role? Do you think he wants it?"

XYZ replied thoughtfully: "Why wouldn't he? He's born for the role, for power."

Qing-er, however, shook her head: "That's just it, XYZ. Even if he is, he would be doing it out of duty. I grew up with EK, ET, and YQ. And as children, I always remember him as being a dutiful child. I don't know how much you know, but Yu Fei, his mother, was not one of the favored concubines. But HAM loved Yong-qi and so she was able to have a relatively good life. Yongqi loved his mother and would make sure to excel so that he could make her proud and give her some happiness in life. When she passed away, he seemed to lock himself into the role of the dutiful son. He didn't play with us anymore. When I became occupied with caring for LFY, I didn't see him as often. But EK and ET told me that he seemed much too solemn and didn't smile or laugh much anymore. That is…until he met you. "

XYZ looked at Qing-er: "Really? How come he never told me?"

Qing-er sighed: "YQ is not used to sharing his feelings. None of us royal children are. It's how we were brought up, to respect our elders and perform as expected; to be dutiful. Perhaps before you walked into his life, he would have gone on with his duties and fulfilled HS, LFY, and Yu Fei Niang Niang's wishes. But now…"

XYZ: "So it's my fault! ZW, you were right. Falling in love with me was the worst thing that could have happened to him!"

ZW shook her head at the distress XYZ was showing: "No, dear sister, I was wrong. You have changed him for the better. You brought the human side out of him. One cannot go through life woodenly like a wind-up toy, always living it for others."

XYZ still insisted: "But…"

SY shook her head as well: "No buts. XYZ, I think this is a topic you will need to discuss with YQ. Figure out what he wants."

XYZ: "Gah. Why does everything have to be so complicated? What if he wants to be emperor? What then? SY, what you say is true. He would need a wife from a good family." Tears started running down her face as another thought came to her: "Wife! He would have multiple wives! I know that is the norm. I know I had once tried to catch the red ball for him. But now, it makes me so very scared. I can't share him with anyone else. I just can't."

The other girls all hugged her.

ZW: "No one's asking you to. Listen to SY, talk to YQ, alright? He must be worried sick. And trust him. Based on what Qing-er has said, I don't think you will have much to worry."

Just then, the girls heard a knock at the door and YQ voice said: "XYZ? Are you alright?"

Qing-er opened the door for him. Seeing XYZ's teary face, YQ felt a pang to his heart. He rushed to her side: "XYZ! Please don't cry. You're so brave normally, please, don't cry. There's nothing to cry about."

The other three girls looked at each and silently left the couple alone.

XYZ hugged YQ tightly: "YQ...I can't lose you. I don't want to share you. I'm not strong. I'm not good. I'm selfish and I'm weak. I don't know what I would do without you."

YQ hugged her back: "Silly XYZ. You won't lose me. What is this talk of sharing me?"

XYZ drew back and took a deep breath: "YQ. Do you want to be emperor?"

YQ blinked at her bluntness, which XYZ took to be a yes: "You do, don't you? Well, the country will have a good ruler then. If that is the case, maybe I should leave you and stay in Da Li with my brother's adoptive family. I won't hold you back anymore."

YQ broke out of his shock: "What? NO! XYZ. No. I don't want it! I never wanted it!"

At his outburst, it was XYZ's turn to blink: "What do you mean? You'd be so good at it!"

YQ insisted: "XYZ. Listen to me. I know HAM favors me. I know what all the court gossip says. I know what the expectations are. But I've never wanted it. Would I have done it if HAM and LFY insisted? Probably. Out of duty. For my father, for LFY, for my departed mother. But not because it was my will. But I never had a good reason to refuse. You are my reason now. I've seen what it's like for my mother. I don't want any other woman to go through the same neglect and anguish. It's not fair. It wouldn't be fair to you, or to me. You don't want to share me? Well, I don't want to be shared! XYZ, please understand."

XYZ took a deep breath to calm herself: "Your mother? Qing-er just told me a little about her. But YQ, wasn't this her hope for you? What would she say if she were still alive?"

YQ smiled wryly: "Hopefully she would understand. I don't know. But the fact is, XYZ, she's not. You are the most important woman in my life now. My world revolves around you."

XYZ gave him a watery smile and hugged him close: "YQ. I'm not brave. I'm not confident. It's all pretend because it was the only way I could survive in the world. I've just been too scared to admit it. Aside from LQ and LH, I've only had myself to rely on. I'm scared, YQ, because I've realized how much I depend on you and how much I need you. I know I'm thoughtless and impulsive and jump into situations without thinking. I attract trouble without meaning to. I'm boastful and willful and I overestimate my abilities. But all only because I've had to be. HAM liked me for bringing him laughter and I could annoy HHNN with my wild behaviors. You love me for not being like the other courtly women. But YQ, I'm not really like that. I'm actually afraid and insecure. And I'm afraid I will lose everyone."

YQ sighed and tried to sooth XYZ's fears: "XYZ, you won't lose us. We all care too deeply for you. As for all the troubles you attract, well you bring all that excitement into our lives and make them worth living. I'm glad you are willing to share all this with me; all your insecurities and worries. You don't have to be so brave in front of me. I'll take care of you; I'll be your support." He shifted her in his arms so that he could stare into her eyes. "Do you know, I'm afraid too?"

She sniffled: "You are? What are you afraid of?"

YQ nodded: "Of course. Everyone has fears. I'm afraid of losing you, of loving you too much, of disappointing everyone, of the competition and subtle challenges of court politics, of the courtly intrigues ruining your innocence, of HAM's health, of the heavy responsibilities I have to bear for the people, of the country's well-being, of so much more…The truth is, I know I'm not perfect. Everything I do contribute to a mask of the perfect Ah Ge. Everything, that is, except you. With you I can smile when I'm happy, cry when I'm sad, and raise my voice when I'm angry. With you I can throw away restraints and obligations and just enjoy being alive. With you, I'm free. Now that I have tasted freedom, I don't want to live a life of restraint anymore. I don't want to have to constantly watch my back for fear of jealous Niang Niang's and simpering officials. I don't want to compete with my siblings; I want the kind of camaraderie and friendship I have with EK, ET, and XJ, one built on honesty and trust. I want them to like me for me, like they genuinely like you for being you."

XYZ gave him a watery smile: "Who would have though, the big powerful WAG has insecurities like the rest of us mere mortals…How come you didn't tell me about all this?"

YQ replied: "I was afraid of losing you. Afraid that you'll discover all my faults and realize they outweigh my good points. XYZ, I've never had to consider if people actually like me and if I actually like people until I met you. Nor have I had to care until you. I've been brought up in an environment in which my title and status was enough. When I realized your feelings mattered to me, I was scared. I also wanted to protect you. I want to be someone you can depend on, someone in whom you will not find faults, to ensure your happiness."

XYZ sighed: "YQ, I won't lie, I did admire you for how smart and talented you were. But I also felt immense pressure to live up to that. Before meeting you and entering the Palace, I never had to face such expectations. Before meeting ZW, I didn't have people depending on me. Certainly, I had to help LQ and LH with the children and elderly, but we shared that burden. With ZW, I am her big sister and it was my sole responsibility to care for her and I messed it all up; from stealing her father to losing her when she was blind. This simple task I failed at. And I look at you and you bear your burdens so well. And as much as I admired you, I resented you. I also resented myself for not being a good match for you. "

YQ: "XYZ, you're more complex than people give you credit for. I feel honored that only I get to see and experience this side of you. Please don't worry about being a good match for me. Other people might not see it, but we do. We complement each other. We're different enough that we will always have arguments and fights, but we're also caring enough to be willing to change ourselves."

XYZ: "But YQ, what about your future? What about HAM? What about this country? How can I ask you to give up all that just for a little bit of freedom?"

YQ sighed: "Silly XYZ. If you recall, I already gave it all up. I made the decision already when I came to roam the countryside with you. Since then, I've never thought about going back; I don't think I can go back to who I was. I'm not doing it just for your happiness, but also for my own. It's not just about freedom anymore, but about choice, about being able to decide my own future and my own path. Besides, I have brothers who would love to have the throne. I see my role as a guide and support for whoever HAM picks. I'm not the only talented son HAM has. So, try your tears, my little bird, we'll be alright."

He hugged her close and XYZ wrapped her arms around him as well.

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When YQ and XYZ showed up in the men's room to fetch the other girls, the group was relieved to see XYZ smiling.

XJ: "Well, are you two alright now? Or are you going to put me in a difficult situation?"

XYZ sat down next to her brother and grabbed his tea: "Ge. What difficult situation?"

YQ shook his head and poured a cup of tea for XYZ while XJ replied: "Why, I would have to decide who I need to teach a lesson to; you or YQ."

XYZ smiled at YQ and took the tea from him but still said: "Why, of course YQ! It's all his fault for being so excellent, so good at everything he does."

YQ chuckled: "Yes, XYZ, it's all my fault for not explaining things to you earlier. Somehow, I feel like it's always my fault!"

ZW chuckled: "Well, not all the time. It was definitely your fault when we got drunk that one time."

Qing-er spoke up: "I don't know…I feel that might have been EK's fault that time, for not explaining things to you, ZW."

SY asked curiously: "Oh? What is this about?"

ET started: "Well…" but EK interrupted him: "No, no, that's private business! I don't think I like having my dirty laundry aired like this, even if it's among friends. ET, you be quiet or else I'm going to have share some embarrassing stories about you!"

XYZ: "Oh? I want to hear! I want to hear!"

SY: "Me too! I could use some ammunition for our fights!"

ET groaned: "How did it come to picking on me? What happened to YQ and XYZ?"

As the group laughed at his mock despair, XYZ suddenly yawned, prompting ZW to say: "Alright, it's bed time for us all. After all the drama tonight, I think I need a good rest." Nodding, the others girls stood, gave their loved ones a peck on the cheek, and retired for the night.