Allen grew accustomed to using Tim to check on the others once a week. He mostly saw Kanda, since he was the "owner" of Tim's doppelganger. It was bittersweet but at least he knew his friends were relatively all right.
Time continued to pass, one day after another.
Xxxx
On one occasion, Allen had spotted Lenalee in Rome. He'd had trouble refraining from rushing over and hugging her. She had not seen him. She wouldn't recognize him even if she had. Apart from long dyed hair, contacts and makeup, Allen had grown a good seven inches and was almost as tall as Cross. He'd gained a bit of muscle as well in the lean, sinuous way that you often find on gymnasts. In fact he had been fairly certain that he could introduce himself to her and she still would believe, even his voice had changed.
Lenalee had been beautiful, as she always was, but even at 17 Allen still hadn't thought of her that way. It had bothered him a little at the time, as he had always just assumed that he would grow into it...
At 17 he had been hormonal, even though he was very adept at hiding it and there were several people that he was physically attracted to. He had slowly become accustomed to the fact that Kanda was one of them, not that it mattered. Kanda had hated him. Would surely hate him even more if they ever met again.
Xxxx
Near June of Allen's 18th year, Cross had found a host for one of the innocence that they had obtained on their travels. Of course, since they were supposedly dead sending the boy to the Order would be highly unwise. As such, Cross decreed that 14 year old orphan Conrad would be Allen's apprentice since he was tired of training idiots.
Conrad was a shy, timid little thing. He loved to read and learn new things. He was fond of Allen and absolutely adored when his master would tell him stories about faraway lands. Cross on the other hand scared the bejeesus out of the kid but he was also in awe of the general's intellect and knowledge which helped to temper the fear a little.
Conrad was a weapon type whose innocence had been crafted into a bow that created its own arrows. Allen had enough knowledge of archery to be getting on with, and the boy was a quick study. He also taught him acrobatics and acting, among other things. All in all Allen tried to pass on as much knowledge as he could about every subject he could think of. Obviously when it came to fighting akuma, the subject of the Order came up a lot. Every time it happened Allen felt guilty that because of him Conrad was essentially an outcast who would never be able to meet the others.
Xxxx
Conrad loved hearing about the other exorcists as well as the hijinks of the science department. He knew that he could learn a lot from both groups, but he also knew that meeting them was not possible, at least for the time being. Allen got this wistful look on his face whenever he talked about the friends he had been forced to leave behind, especially when it came to one named "Kanda" even though he had always described him as a hateful jerk. Though Allen had made it seem like they would be fugitives forever General Cross had implied on a few occasions that they might be able to return eventually. Conrad hoped that it was true, as a child orphaned by akuma he knew what it was like to lose the ones you loved.
Xxx
Sometimes Kanda found it hard to believe that Allen had ever existed at all. No one mentioned him anymore and Lenalee had gotten over her crying jags, as far as he knew anyway, though her smile was strained at times. Lavi had sealed the majority of his true emotions away under the pretext of bookman training, though he still flawlessly acted the part of the cheerful idiot. There were new finders and exorcists, some of whom had never even heard of Allen. It was unfathomable and as much as he wanted to inform them, he couldn't do it without seeming like he had some sort of obsession. So he kept his mouth shut and he hated them. He hated them for not knowing, for not thinking of Allen countless times a day despite their best efforts and for not having regrets where Walker was concerned. They left him the fuck alone.
Kanda had found himself missing even the traits of Allen that had annoyed the fuck out of him.
Xxxx
That Christmas Kanda had found himself venturing out in the middle of a blizzard to visit the one place he had refused to go for the last few years, Allen's grave. Since the bodies had been cremated, it was more a memorial than anything really, though the ashes had been scattered there. As he traced the inscription with his frozen fingers, he finally allowed himself to accept that Allen was gone. The snow hid his handful of tears. He had snapped back to reality when Tim had nuzzled against his cheek comfortingly, but he had stood there for two more hours remembering Moyashi and all the things he should have done differently.
Years ago, he had accepted the fact that he thought of Allen in a way that he had thought of few others. It had horrified him, not the thoughts... well feelings really, as much as what would happen if anyone found out. Lavi would never have stopped teasing him about it, Lenalee would have been forever giving him advice and Allen would probably have been too freaked out to speak to him again.
He had decided to wait and see what would happen as Allen got older: if they would become friends, enemies, if Allen even liked men. Of course, Allen had been completely oblivious which had tended to piss him off. Yes, he had been a bastard to the boy but it was who he was and a bit of infatuation wouldn't change him.
He hadn't gotten the chance to express his intentions, hadn't been ready, would surely never be ready now. He still wasn't sure what his intentions had been except that it was more than physical attraction, he had wanted them to be friends.
It didn't matter anymore. He would never have the chance; never know if there had ever been any hope.
Xxxx
Allen had been having a pretty amazing 19th birthday, his best since he had gone into hiding. Conrad had made him a cake and Cross had said he'd done a pretty good job with the boy, which coming from his master was high praise indeed. However, his day had been effectively ruined when, after dinner, Tim had nudged him into another room and shown him the sad and almost tender way that Kanda's fingers brushed his headstone.
When he reentered the kitchen twenty minutes later to help with the dishes, his swollen, red eyes immediately gave his carefully schooled expression away. Cross didn't say anything, Conrad followed his lead but spent the rest of the evening trying to cheer Allen up.
Every night after that when he laid down to sleep that scene flashed through his head. It haunted his dreams. The possibility that maybe, if he hadn't been so blind, he and Kanda could have been friends. That if the 14th hadn't fucked with his life or he had grown up a little faster there could have been something between them. True, he had been 17 before he even knew he wanted such a thing be he had always wanted them to be friends. He never knew that Kanda might have felt the same way.
A/N: Sorry for taking so long to get this done. I'm currently also working on my other unfinished fics but between work, school and my health issues I can't make any promises right now. I can say that this fic will contain a reunion in the next two chapters. Sorry for all the time skips but I don't have the stamina for the original 27 chapters that I had outlined.