This is probably the fastest update I've ever made. Woohoo! Go me!

Malon's Epic Cow Delivery
Ch 2: Onward to Kakariko Village!

"... and that's how Twilight was created," Yuna finished.

"Wow. You weren't kidding when you said you were going to tell me a scary story. I don't think I've ever heard anything quite so disturbing or vulgar before in my life."

"Oh, I haven't even started yet. That was only part one. Wait till I tell you about how the other three books were created. You won't be able to sleep for at least a month."

"Can we please talk about something else?"

Yuna gave a smug smirk.

"Why? Does it bother you?"

"You know very well that it does."

"Then, no. I think I'm going to have some fun with this. Ahem. I'll tell you about how New Moon was created. It all started with..."

"Say any more and I'll tell really bad cow jokes."

"Ha! You think that's going to stop me?"

"Fine. You asked for it. What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef."

Yuna stared dumbfounded at Malon.

"What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef."

One of Yuna's eyes began to twitch.

"What do you call a cow priestess? A holy cow."

"Stop! You win! Just stop with the horrible cow jokes already!"

Now it was Malon's turn to pass a smirk.

The two continued on in silence. After walking along for at least an hour, the two decided to stop and rest underneath a lone tree. Yuna looked around her and gave an irritated "moo."

"How much farther do we have to go?"

"The village is probably still a day or two away."

Yuna just gave another "moo" and started eating the barley Malon got out for her. As for Malon, she unpacked and ate a sandwich she had brought. After eating for a bit, Yuna decided to ask something that had been bothering her since the first chapter.

"Hey, farmer girl. Quick question. Just how strong are you?"

"Hmm? What do you mean?"

"I mean, were you holding back when you obliterated those monsters on the field?"

Malon suddenly put away the sandwich and got up. She then proceeded to walk away.

"Hey, where ya going?"

"I thought I'd just show you the full extent of my power..."

xxx

Meanwhile, somewhere in the Fire Temple...

An enormous serpentine dragon waited in a dark cavern lit only by the blue flames enveloping the dragon's entire body. The beast was easily over three hundred feet long and had teeth the size of a full grown man. Its front claws were viciously serrated and just as long as its teeth were. Its pitch-black eyes showed only pure malice.

After a few minutes, a hologram of Ganondorf appeared in front of the dragon. The monster immediately bowed its head before the King of Evil.

"Lord Ganondorf."

Ganondorf waved off the monster's bow.

"Volvagia. I assume all the preparations are complete?"

"Of course, my lord. The entire Fire Temple is now one huge deathtrap. I've prepared over a hundred Beamos statues in the main foyer as well as an array of hidden saw blades in the surrounding hallways. I've also taken the liberty of adding numerous spiked-pit fall traps all around the temple. As soon as the Hero of Time steps in, his fate will be sealed."

"Excellent. I did well to entrust you with the Fire Temple."

"Thank you, sir. It is an honor to..."

Suddenly, a smaller serpentine dragon came into the cavern. This dragon had red flames surrounding its body. It immediately took notice of the blue-flamed dragon and flew over.

"Hey, big bro! Whatcha doing?"

The larger dragon let out a hiss of annoyance and turned to face its younger sibling.

"I'm having a meeting with my boss! Now leave me alone and go listen to your Justin Beaver songs or something!"

"Hmph! Its Bieber, not Beaver!"

"I don't care if his last name's Platypus! Just go away!"

"Fine, Mister Grumpy Pants. I hate you."

With that, the red-flamed dragon flew off.

Ganondorf eventually broke the awkward silence.

"Er, who was that?"

"My little sister, Volvagia II. She's a royal pain in the ass."

"Wait, wait, wait. You're both named Volvagia?"

"Yeah. My full name is Volvagia I. If there was one thing my parents sucked at, it was making up names. They actually got my uncle to name his kid Jack."

"I don't see anything wrong with that."

"His last name's Goff."

"Oh."

Another awkward silence commenced.

"So, what happened with the Forest Temple? As for that matter, who'd you place as the boss for that place?"

"Phantom Ganondorf. Damn guy spent so much time flirting with the Poe sisters that he forgot his daily tennis practice."

"That sucks. Speaking of tennis, don't you have a tennis lesson soon?"

"Yeah. I have to leave in about five minutes. Ugh. I've never realized just how hard tennis actually is."

"Isn't your coach Roger Federer? I don't see how tennis could be hard with a world champion coaching you."

"Fact of the matter is, I don't have much time to practice. I mean, aside from tennis, I also have organ playing lessons, fencing lessons, architecture class, an evil laughter session, and a magic club."

"Magic club sounds fun. Mind if I come over after killing Link?"

"Not at all. Just make sure you bring your deck."

"Oh. You were talking about Magic as in the card game. Never mind. I have an allergy to nerds."

Ganondorf gave Volvagia a death glare.

"You seem pretty sure that you'll be the one to kill Link."

"Why shouldn't I be? The only way Link will survive my temple is if I suffer from a sudden and unexpected death."

At that exact moment, an enormous boulder the size of King Dodongo crashed through the ceiling and crushed Volvagia I's head. He was killed instantly.

Ganondorf could only stare in shock.

"WTF? Why would a giant boulder suddenly come flying in? That doesn't even make any sense!"

Volvagia II chose to appear right then. She immediately noticed her dead brother and flew over to Ganondorf.

"So. Does this mean I'm in charge of the Fire Temple now?"

"What the hell is wrong with you? Your brother just got killed by a giant flying boulder! Shouldn't you show at least some remorse?"

"Meh. He was always a jerk to me. Anyways, is the temple mine or not?"

Whatever Ganondorf wanted to say was interrupted by his watch's beeping.

"Shit! My tennis lesson's about to start! Fine! You're in charge until I find a suitable replacement!"

"Yipee! Now then, the first thing I'm going to do is redecorate this entire place. That means all those Beamos statues will have to go. They're such an eyesore. Oh yeah. I should also get rid of those saw blades and pit fall traps. They keep getting in my way whenever I'm trying to go to the kitchen to make a Goron sandwich. After I'm done with this place, it'll look like something out of a magazine!"

Afraid that he'd be late for his tennis lesson, Ganondorf could do little but face palm.

xxx

Malon and Yuna were once again on their way to Kakariko Village. Yuna was staring at Malon in disbelief the whole time.

"I still can't believe you just threw a boulder of that size halfway across Hyrule!"

"Lets not forget the fact that I did it with only my index finger."

Yuna continued to gape in shock until a fly flew into her mouth.

"Bleh! Anyways, if you're that powerful, why don't you just take on Ganondorf yourself? You'd probably take him down in three seconds."

"Two reasons. First, this story would become way too short then. There wouldn't be much fun if I just walked up and Malon Punched Ganondorf's entire castle or something. The second reason is that this is a 'meanwhile' story. That means Link has to continue on in his quest just like he would in the game. If I killed Ganondorf, that would screw up the entire storyline."

"You do realize just how inaccurate this whole 'meanwhile' storyline is, right? For example, Link could have just skipped the Fire Temple and gone on straight to the Spirit Temple. Seeing as how anything we do won't affect Link if he decides to go against the normal dungeon order, the whole point of us serving as a reason for certain situations is totally pointless."

"Stop confusing the readers with logic! You might scare away potential reviewers if you keep doing that! Hey, author guy! Hurry and switch over to Link's point of view before Yuna tries to make your story more illogical!"

xxx

A few days later, in the Fire Temple...

"Hey, Navi. Don't you think this temple's a bit too easy? We haven't faced a single serious deathtrap since we entered here."

"That's no reason for you to get complacent! We're still inside a freaking volcano, so watch your step!"

"You worry too much. I bet this temple's going to be a cinch."

At that moment, a wall of fire suddenly appeared and started to approach Link.

"Link, watch out! There's a wall of fire coming at you!"

"Geez, Navi! Way to state the obvious!"

Link ran across the metal platforms as fast as he could in an effort to outrun the flames.

"Wait. Metal platforms? How in the world are they not being melted by the lava underneath?"

"This is no time for logic, Navi! This is a time for action!"

With that, Link faced a sheer wall and prepared to jump.

"Link! What are you thinking? There's no way you'll be able to jump to the top of that wall! Its not physically possible!"

In one swift movement, Link jumped up and somehow grabbed onto the edge of the wall. Navi could only stare in open shock while Link pulled himself up.

"But... but... how...?"

Link dusted off his hands and looked at Navi with a smug expression.

"Easy. My hair gives me the power to defy gravity!"

Navi immediately sucker-punched Link in the face.

"I told you not to make bad imitations of LittleKuriboh's jokes! There's plenty enough of that out there without you doing it as well!"

"Oww! Don't blame me! Blame the stupid author who's making me say these stuff!"

"I also told you not to break the fourth wall!"

With that, Navi ripped off Link's Fire Tunic and threw him into the lava pit below.

xxx

Malon and Yuna finally stood before the entrance to Kakariko Village.

"Alright, lets hurry up and ask for directions. Hopefully, we'll get you to your new home by the time we reach chapter three. That is, if we don't bump into any unexpected delays."

Cue unexpected delay.

"Oh, come on!"

Suddenly, a small, bearded man in a cloak approached the two. He had a crazed look in his eyes and was twitching like a madman. Malon and Yuna tried to sidestep around the lunatic but the man continued to block their path.

"Umm, excuse me, sir. Can we please..."

"Repent! Repent! The end is nigh!"

Malon and Yuna looked at one another with a worried expression.

"Sir? Are you feeling well?"

The man immediately focused his bloodshot eyes on Malon.

"I have seen the future! A horrible, horrible future! The world as we know it shall be flooded by the Goddesses themselves! And that's not the worst part! We'll all be mutated into horrible cartoon figures! Repent!"

With that, the crazy guy ran off.

"Er, that was weird."

"Moo! No kidding. I mean, the whole world being flooded? What kind of a lame prediction is that?"

"Yeah, you're right. That's almost as lame as a future where Hyrule is invaded by an usurper king from another dimension."

"Strange comparison, but yeah."

"Anywho, let's hurry and get to the village before this chapter ends."

"Good point. It would suck if we had to wait until a whole new chapter after all the hard work we spent to actually get here."

To be continued...

"Oh, come on!"