Malon's Epic Cow Delivery
Ch 3: Why Men Don't Ask for Directions

"Finally! We're here at last!"

Malon and Yuna triumphantly walked into Kakariko Village. After days of laboring through Hyrule Field, the two had finally arrived at their destination.

"So, who do we ask for directions?"

"Beats me. I just figured we'd randomly ask people and hope to get a straight answer."

Yuna somehow face palmed as the two began their epic quest of... asking for directions.

The first person they ran into was a red-haired beggar in green clothes. As the pair approached him, they saw that he was constantly patting his knees. Malon looked at him with a confused expression.

"Er, why are you patting your knees like that?"

"I'm trying to keep the blood flowing through my legs! Do you know how uncomfortable kneeling around all day is?"

"Why don't you just stand up?"

The beggar suddenly went ballistic.

"STAND UP? Do you know what you're talking about? It's against every code known to beggars to even mention standing up! It would dishonor the memory of my ancestors! I'd rather die than think about standing up!"

"Whoa there! I didn't mean to offend your religion or anything! But hold on a second. Weren't you in Castle Town seven years ago? For that matter, you seemed to disappear during the night as well. How do you move around?"

"Let's just say that it involves lots and lots of butter."

"Uhh..."

"Anyways, do you have anything you'd like to sell me?"

"Not really. I just wanted to ask if you knew how to get to Kokiri Forest."

"Kokiri Forest? Never heard of it. If its any help, I know how to get to Faron Woods. You just have to travel a few hundred years into the future and then..."

"Er, no thanks. We're fine."

Malon quickly walked away from the strange man with Yuna following close behind.

"Well, that was pointless. Why don't we try the shop next? I need to restock on our food supply anyways."

Malon and Yuna wound their way through town until they eventually reached the shop. Luckily for them, the place was rather crowded so no one said anything about a cow walking into the store.

"Okay. We need a few extra pounds of barley for you and maybe some dried fruits for me. Let's see now... Oh! What's this?"

Malon picked up a bottle with a strange blue flame inside it. She found a label on it that read:

Caution. Blue Fire. This is a cool flame that can melt anything that it comes in contact with.

"Melt anything? If that's true, how come its not burning through this bottle right now?" Malon asked.

As soon as she said that, the Blue Fire melted the bottle and slowly continued to burn its way into the earth.

"Er... No one saw that."

Yuna stared at the hole in the ground with concern.

"You do realize that the flame will eventually reach the mantle and start a volcanic eruption, right?"

"Oh, please. That fire will burn itself out way before it goes anywhere near the mantle."

"Moo. Whatever. I just get the feeling something terrible is going to happen later thanks to this."

"You worry too..."

Malon suddenly looked as if she was about to faint.

"Um, farmer girl? What's with the sudden stun?"

"I just felt a major disturbance in the force. It was like a thousand souls cried out in anguish and then was suddenly silenced."

"What do you think happened?"

"Either the Death Star just blew up Alderaan, or..."

"Or what?" Yuna asked nervously.

"Or Link just got..."

xxx

Somewhere in the Fire Temple...

"I got the Megaton Hammer!"

"Din save us all," Navi muttered as Link began to wildly swing the hammer around, destroying anything that he could see.

xxx

Somewhere in the outer heavens...

"Hey, Din! Navi's asking you to save everyone from that moron called Link!"

"Shut up, Nayru! I'm trying to get some sleep! I'm too tired to do anything right now!"

"Oh, you did not just tell me to shut up! If you weren't being so lazy seven years ago, you could have stopped Ganondorf from getting the Triforce of Power in the first place! Do you know how much paperwork Farore and I need to fill out thanks to all the people Ganondorf's killed?"

"What are you complaining about? I'm helping with the paperwork as well!"

"I'm just saying you should get off your lazy ass more often!"

"Oh, so that's how you want it? I'm definitely going to get off my ass now to kick yours!"

"Bring it on, bitch!"

The cat fight that ensued caused the destruction of Krypton, Middle Earth, and Atlantis.

xxx

"Well, thanks anyways Mr. Pop-tart Cat."

"Nyan Cat," Yuna corrected.

"Whatever."

With that, Nyan Cat flew off, leaving a sparkling trail of rainbows behind him.

"Hey, Yuna. How many people have we asked for directions so far?"

"Let's see. There was Dr. Hax, Vegeta, Aldaris, Ghost Nappa, Admiral Ackbar, and Nyan Cat just now."

"Maybe we should stop asking internet memes for directions and start asking real people."

"I concur."

Malon and Yuna continued on their way until they met some random man.

"Um, excuse me. Do you happen to know where Kokiri Forest is?" Malon asked.

"Kokiri Forest? No. Not really. On the other hand, there's a serious outbreak of Redeads in the graveyard. Do you mind getting rid of them for us?"

"Sorry, but we're rather busy."

"I'll pay you a thousand rupees."

"On second thought, I'll go get rid of them for you."

xxx

Later, at the Kakariko graveyard...

After investigating around for a bit, Malon and Yuna made their way into a suspicious looking hole which led them to a large underground cavern.

"Hey, farmer girl. You do realize that Redeads are notorious for ass raping their victims, right?"

"Silly Yuna. Ocarina of Time was rated E. Those zombies were probably just latching onto their prey to suck out their life energy or something."

"It didn't look that way when they got Link. I think part of the brain damage he has now was caused by a traumatic experience with some Redeads when he was young."

"How do you know what happened to Link all those years ago? For that matter, how do you even know who Link is? You've never even seen him before."

"I have my ways of finding out stuff. For example, I could tell you that the next LoZ game after Skyward Sword is going to be..."

Whatever Yuna wanted to say was interrupted by an ear-piercing screech. Malon and Yuna found themselves paralyzed as a dozen or so Redeads appeared from the shadows and slowly made their way towards them.

"WTF? This story's rated T! You can't let those things get me!" Malon yelled out.

Suddenly, the Redead closest to Malon stopped and seemed to stare at her. It let out a disappointed moan and turned towards its fellow zombies.

"False alarm, guys. Its a girl."

All the other Redeads let out simultaneous groans of disappointment and started to amble away. The head Redead turned again to face Malon.

"Sorry about that miss. We're not interested in women."

Malon just stared with an awkward look on her face as the Redead walked away to rejoin its peers.

"Redeads are... gay?" Yuna asked.

"Well... It seems that way. That does explain why they seem to love Link so much."

"Umm, yeah. Anyways, what do we do now? If we kill these Redeads, the Gay Rights activists will probably want our heads on a pike."

"Eh, there's a thousand rupees on the line here. I'm not going to pass off an opportunity like this. Try to get out of this cave before I collapse it."

"And just how are you going to do that?"

"With this."

Suddenly, a swirling blue ball of energy appeared on Malon's raised palm.

"Is that a...?"

"Yep. Special favor with the author. Don't question it right now."

Yuna nodded in understanding before hightailing it out of the doomed cave.

"Rasengan!"

xxx

Meanwhile, in the Fire Temple's boss chamber...

"Man! I've never faced a boss this powerful before!"

Link rolled out of the way to avoid another dive from Volvagia.

"Link, you stupid idiot! Use the Megaton Hammer! Its obvious that the only way to defeat this boss is to use the item we got in this dungeon! We've done this routine four times already!"

"Shut it Navi! The hammer's only supposed to be used for mindless destruction, not battling dragons!"

"What kind of moronic logic led you to that conclusion?"

Volvagia interrupted Navi's rant with a deafening roar.

"How dare you ruin my perfect dungeon! The photographers from the magazine company were going to come over and take pictures of this place today! Thanks to you, I had to reschedule everything! Prepare to die!"

With that, Volvagia unleashed a torrent of scorching flames at Link and Navi.

"Not so fast!" Link shouted out. "I activate my face-down trap: Fairy Shield! Now, by sacrificing one of my fairy-type monsters, I can negate your attack! I sacrifice Navi!"

Volvagia's flame immediately dissipated a few feet away from Link. Meanwhile, Navi turned to glare death at her companion.

"If I ever come back alive, consider yourself dead," Navi ominously declared as she vaporized into tiny pixels.

xxx

After collapsing the entire cavern, Malon had punched her way out from its ruins. Yuna was still having a hard time comprehending what had just happened. The two travelers walked out of the graveyard with Yuna staring dumbfounded at Malon once again. Eventually, Malon took notice of Yuna's staring.

"Er, something wrong Yuna? I don't have something on my face, do I?"

"What the fuck are you? You have super strength and the power to use techniques from Naruto? What are you going to do next? Grow wings and start flying around? Or maybe you'll fire a Kamehameha at the next enemy we face!"

"Whoa! What's with the sudden rant? I thought that was Navi's job? Anyways, I already told you. The author's given me the power to use a few choice Naruto moves in exchange that I kill a certain somebody for him."

"And just who might that be?"

"I don't know. He just said its somebody we'll meet later on."

"Then let me ask him now. Yo! Author person! Who do you want dead so much that you'd turn Malon into a near goddess to do so?"

Just wait a few chapters and you'll find out.

"That was helpful," Yuna sarcastically remarked.

"Well, no use worrying about it. Anyways, I've just thought of someone that could potentially help us find Kokiri Forest."

"And who might that be?"

"She's an old friend of mine. Her name's Anju."

xxx

A few minutes later...

"Hi, Anju! How's it been? Still working to create a Cucco you're not allergic to?"

"Oh, hi Malon! No. I've already created that a few months ago. I'm currently trying to find a way to stop that Rupee Grass Virus that I accidentally created all those years ago."

"Ah, the infamous Rupee Grass Virus. Was that the one that made money grow from plants?"

"Unfortunately, yes. It nearly caused the total destruction of Hyrule's economy. Even now, we're suffering from the major price inflation."

"Moo! Can you stop the chitchat and ask for the freakin directions?"

Anju stared at Yuna in surprise.

"Umm, is that one of my old experiments?"

"Oh, no. Cows had the ability to talk thousands of years before us Hylians could. Anju, say hi to Yuna. Yuna, this is Anju."

"Yeah, yeah, whatever. Look, crazy scientist lady, do you know how to get to Kokiri Forest?"

"Kokiri Forest? Sorry. I don't have a clue on that one. However, I think the Bernson family might know."

"The Bernson family? Aren't they the ones that you turned into half-Skulltula mutants by accident?"

"In my defense, if that spray had worked, I would've made the ultimate insect repellent spray."

"Er, yeah. By the way, are they still believing that lie you told them? About them being cursed for being greedy and all that?"

"Hey! Don't even think about telling them the truth! They could sue all of my research funds away from me!"

Yuan gave another impatient sounding "moo".

"Well, it looks like we're leaving now. Thanks for the advice, Anju."

"Glad to be of help. Oh, yeah. If you run into any Peahats, my bad. I really didn't think that pineapples could mutate that far. Well, see ya!"

Malon and Yuna hurriedly walked away from the mad scientist.

xxx

Meanwhile, in the Chamber of Sages...

"... take that SkulltulaMan312! God, I love hacking online games!"

"Umm, Darunia? What're you doing?"

Darunia looked up from his laptop in surprise.

"Link! How did you get past the dungeon that quickly?"

"You do realize that it's been four days since we last met, right? Wait a second. Did you lock the boss door on purpose so I'd have to rescue all the Gorons and defeat Volvagia while you were busy playing computer games?"

"Uhh, no?"

"I'M GOING TO FREAKIN KILL YOU!"

"Ahhhh! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! Here! I'll give you a Klondike bar along with the Fire Medallion! Just don't swing your hammer around like that!"

"Ooh! A Klondike bar! Okay. I forgive you."

"Phew! That was a close one."

"Hold on. This Klondike bar's melted!"

"Hey, don't blame me! Blame Rauru! He's the one that's too cheap to buy a fridge for this place!"

"Don't care! It's hammer time!"

"Fuck! Rauru! Saria! Help me get this lunatic out of here!"

xxx

At the Kakariko Skulltula House...

"Hey, overpowered farmer girl. Who exactly is this Bernson family?"

"They used to be one of the richest families in all of Hyrule. Unfortunately, ever since Anju's little "experiment", they've had to confine themselves in their house."

"That must be painful. I mean, what do they do all day in a desolate place like this?"

"What all shut-ins do. Play MMORPGs."

Yuna and Malon walked into a rather interesting scene. A couple of half-Skulltula mutants had their laptops opened and were engrossed in their game.

"What the...? That guy just stole my kill! Hax!"

"Was it PartyCraze734? That guy's been hacking all day! Someone should ban him!"

"Dude! He just robbed all of my equipment! Get him!"

Malon decided then to get the families attention.

"Excuse me! Hello? Can I just ask you guys a quick question?"

Not one of the spider people answered her. After trying to get the family's attention for half an hour, Malon decided to try a different approach.

"Chidori Stream!"

All of the computers in the room overloaded as it was zapped by a current of electricity.

"What the fuck? What did you do that for?"

"Look, I just need to ask one simple question and I'll be on my way. Do any of you know how to get to Kokiri Forest?"

"Like we'd tell you after you fried our computers!"

"They're just overloaded. Wait a few minutes and they'll be fine."

"Doesn't matter. I'm still not telling you anything."

"Malon Punch!"

Everyone in the room now turned their full attention towards Malon as she wiped her hands of the poor Skulltula mutant's remains.

"Alright, listen up. I've had a frustrating couple of days in this village. Either you give me an answer or I'll start 2012 early for you guys."

"We... we'll tell you anything! Just don't kill us!"

"Okay. Do any of you know how to get to Kokiri Forest?"

"Er, Tim does."

"Who's Tim?"

"The guy that you're wiping off your hands right now."

Malon looked ready to explode.

"Wait! The rest of us don't know how to get there exactly but we know someone that does! Go ask Princess Ruto of the Zoras! She'll know the location!"

"Fine. Thanks for the help."

"D..d...d...don't mention it."

Malon turned around and stormed out of the house. Yuna took one last look at Tim's remains and hurriedly followed Malon out.

Yuna kept silent until she was sure that Malon had calmed down.

"Wow. I didn't know you could be that vicious. I think I just found some new respect for you."

"It's like I said earlier. I've had a frustrating couple of days."

"I guess this is why men don't ask for directions."

"You said it."