Just a heads up. I might not be able to update for about a week or so due to school related stuff. If you haven't already, you can read my evil council fics to help pass the time. I'll try to update as soon as possible so keep your eyes out for it! Also, if you liked the chapter, please review. Your reviews are what keeps this story going. By the way, thanks to everyone who's already reviewed so far! You guys can all get Malon to kill someone or something you really hate! Now then, on with the story!

Malon's Epic Cow Delivery
Ch 4: Water Temple Mayhem

"Chidori!"

"Ugh!" The foe grunted.

"Your life ends now," Malon stated coldly.

"No! How could I lose to someone like you?" the opponent rasped out.

Malon didn't answer. Instead, she grabbed Yuna and threw her at the enemy, thus ending his miserable, horrible, friendless, shit of a life.

"Was it really necessary throw me at him?" Yuna grumbled as she got off of her unlucky victim.

"Yes. I wanted to make his death as humiliating as possible. Anyhow, looks like I've fulfilled my end of the deal with the author. I wonder if he'll let me keep my Naruto powers, though?"

"Let's ask him. Hey, author! Are you going to allow Malon to keep her Naruto powers?"

…

"That's strange, why's he silent?"

"Maybe he's off the computer."

"If that's true, how the hell are we still talking?"

… and stay off of my computer! Alright, then. Time to start on Malon's Epic Cow... WHAT THE FUCK? You were writing my story? How many times do I have to tell you to keep away from my stuff?

"What in Farore's name is happening?"

Sorry about that. My sister was hogging the computer. Give me a second while I look over the damage she's caused.

"Umm..."

What the...? Who'd you two kill?

"I don't know. Some guy in a blue shirt and a headband on his head."

Don't tell me. My sister just made you kill Sasuke, didn't she?

"I think that's what he called himself. Why? Isn't he the one you wanted dead?"

No! Well, I mean yes. But I didn't give you those godly powers just so you could kill someone as trivial as Sasuke!

"Then who did you want us to kill?"

I told you already! You'll meet up with your target in a few chapters! Stop bugging me about it!

"Someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed today."

Okay, you know what? Just for that, I'm going to make this chapter a filler!

"No! Anything but..."

Too late!

xxx

Somewhere on Death Mountain Trail...

"Alright, two temples down, three more to go! Now which temple did I have to go to next? Hey, Navi! Can you tell me... Oh, that's right. I sacrificed Navi. Damn. Maybe getting rid of her wasn't such a good idea after all. Hmm. Well, she'll try to kill me but at least I'll find out where to go to next. Okay then. I activate Monster Reborn!"

A bright circle of light appeared on the ground as soon as he said this. Seconds later, Navi came out looking unusually calm.

"Please don't kill me!" Link yelled as he assumed the fetal position.

Navi gave Link a confused look.

"I'm not going to kill you. Why would I do that to a friend?"

Link stopped rocking back and forth and opened one of his eyes to make sure that he had brought back Navi and not a Disney character.

"What? But you swore to kill me if I ever brought you back!"

"What are you talking about?"

Link gave an enormous sigh of relief as he stood back up.

"Phew. For a second there, I thought you'd rip my limbs off or something. I don't know what happened, but it seems you're suffering from short term memory loss. Whoo hoo, lucky me!"

Navi suddenly seemed lost in thought.

"Hmm. Now that you mention it, I think I vaguely remember saying something like that. Oh, that's right. I did swear to kill you. Thanks for reminding me."

Unfortunately, I can't write what happens next since the story's only rated T. However, I can tell you that it involved a chainsaw, Link's organs, Tabasco sauce, and a llama.

xxx

Somewhere in the Water Temple...

"Morpha! Where are you?"

A hologram of Ganondorf stood impatiently as he waited for his minion to arrive.

"Over here. In my swimming pool."

Ganondorf walked over to the enormous swimming pool and saw the familiar red ball that was Morpha.

"Can you stop fooling around and get up here? My scouts told me that Link's going to head over here next. I want to know if you have this place ready."

"Of course its ready. I've spent a fortune on this place. Those lame temples that the other bosses have are vastly inferior compared to my masterpiece."

"Right. I've been meaning to ask you this for quite a while. Where exactly did you get all this money from? The last time I checked, you were barely paying off your mortgage payments."

"Oh, I got into the water bottling business. That gig was so profitable that I also bought off nearly all of Hyrule's water lines. Now, as you can see, I'm living the dream. Man, it's good to be rich!"

"Do you really have to rub your wealth in everyone's face?"

"Why not? Speaking of which, do you want anything to eat?"

"Wha...? I'm talking to you through a hologram! How the hell am I supposed to eat anything?"

"Well, if you don't want anything, you could just say so. As for me, I'm in the mood for some Zora caviar. Hey, butler! Bring me some of that fresh caviar you bought today!"

A few moments later, a very irritated looking Dark Link came in.

"How many times do I have to tell you? I'm not your butler! I'm just your freakin plumber!"

"Yeah, yeah. Either way, you're on my payroll so it'd be in your best interest to follow my orders."

"Grr, fine. By the way, one of your toilet's backed up. The whole place looks like a giant whirlpool right now, so I wouldn't go in there if I were you."

"Sure. Oh, yeah. Bring the food on those new golden plates that I bought last week. I want to see how good they look."

"Ugh, fine. Should I turn on the jacuzzi feature before I go?"

"Of course."

The entire pool bubbled to life as Dark Link turned on the jacuzzi. He walked out grumbling something about listening to his mother and going to college.

"So, is that the only reason you came here for? To warn me about Link?" Morpha asked a very irked Ganondorf.

"Of course not! If you could stop lounging around in your money, I..."

Ganondorf was interrupted by Dark Link making an announcement over the intercom.

"Mr. Morpha. Sir Gyorg is on the line. Should I patch him through?"

"Please do."

A very gruff sounding voice came on.

"Morpha, I'm calling to finalize the deal we were talking about the other day."

"Yes, yes. The one about merging our two water line companies. I've already had my butler..."

"Plumber!" Dark Link cut in.

"... whatever, fill out the forms. With any luck, we'll have monopolized both Hyrule's and Termina's water supply by next month."

"Only if you personally sign the papers legalizing the deal."

"I'll do that as soon as I get rid of that pest, Link. My colleague, Ganondorf, is a bit obsessed with getting rid of that idiot."

"Who are you calling colleague, you minion?"

"Oops. Looks like I've hit a nerve. Look, I'll call you later. I'm a bit preoccupied at the moment."

"Sure. See you later."

By now, Ganondorf was steaming with frustration.

"So, Ganny. What exactly did you want to tell me?"

"It's Ganondorf! And I'm your boss, not the other way around!"

"Whatever. Is that all you had to say?"

"NO! I want you to stop Link before he gets to your temple! I don't want to run the risk of him freeing another sage!"

"Alright, alright. Dark Link! Bring me the weapon as well as the caviar!"

"Oh, for Din's sake! Can't you do anything yourself?"

"Yes. But its more fun ordering you around to do it."

A few minutes later, Dark Link came in with both the caviar as well as a gigantic laser cannon. Ganondorf looked skeptically at the huge weapon.

"What exactly does this thing do?"

"It shoots freezer rays at its target. How do you think I froze over Zora's Domain?"

"Oh."

"Anyways, I figure Link will travel to Zora's Domain first to look for clues about my temple's whereabouts. Seeing as such, why don't I just create a gigantic ice wall between him and his destination? Butler! Freeze the pathway between Hyrule Field and Zora's Domain!"

"Plumber!" Dark Link retaliated as he made the preparations. As the weapon warmed up, he also opened up the ceiling with a remote.

"You have a retractable ceiling?" Ganondorf asked.

"Its my sunroof. Cost me a few grands but it was worth every rupee."

Finally, the weapon became fully charged. Dark Link put in the final coordinates and opened fire. An enormous beam of freezing energy shot out into the sky and flew towards its target location.

"See? Problem solved."

For once, Ganondorf looked impressed.

"Why don't you freeze off the way into Lake Hylia as well? You know, just in case Link somehow finds his way here."

"Sure thing. Dark Link! Fire another round at every pathway into Lake Hylia! Oh, except for the mail delivery route. I ordered a set of ornamental diamond figurines to decorate the temple with. It should be here in a few days. Anyways, open fire!"

"You don't have to shout! I'm right next to you!"

As Dark Link began to prepare the weapon again, Ganondorf couldn't help but gloat.

"Ha! With the entrance to the Water Temple cut off, Link can't ever hope to rescue the Water Sage! Now my evil reign can continue indefinitely! Mwa ha ha ha!"

Just then, an enormous chunk of ice flew in through the open ceiling and crushed the laser. All three villains in the room watched with open mouths as the remnants of the weapon sparked out of life.

"WHAT THE FU...?"

xxx

"Stupid author, and his stupid fillers, and his stupid writing style..." Malon muttered as she continued storming towards Zora's Domain.

"Moo. Maybe you should calm down a bit?"

Yuna instantly realized that she had made a horrible mistake when Malon whipped around to confront her.

"Shut up! It wasn't enough that he made this chapter a filler, he had to go and create a giant ice wall to slow our progress as well! He makes me so made that I just want to... Augh!"

In her rage, Malon grabbed a large tree that was next to her and uprooted it.

"This is what I think of you!" Malon shouted as she threw the unfortunate plant towards the heavens.

xxx

Back at the Water Temple...

"What do you mean my insurance doesn't cover giant flying ice chunks? Look! I pay over a hundred thousand rupees every month for my damn insurance and you have the nerve to tell me that I'm not covered? You know what? You'll be hearing from my lawyers soon!"

Morpha angrily hung up and turned towards Ganondorf.

"Looks like I won't be freezing anything anytime soon. Ugh. Now what do I do?"

"Don't you have any other fancy weapons you could use on Link?"

"Well, I do have that nifty illusion generator machine a few floors below. Maybe we can do something with..."

Morpha was cut off as a gigantic tree fell through the ceiling and crashed its way through several floors before finally embedding itself in the illusion generator room.

"WHO THE HELL IS THROWING THESE THINGS?"

xxx

Malon continued her rage filled walk towards Zora's Domain with Yuna following a safe distance behind her.

"Would it kill you to shut up? I'm trying to get to my destination before this stupid filler's over!"

Well, if I shut up, you really wouldn't be able to do anything.

"I don't care! I swear, if you ever write a self-insert, I will personally hunt you down and kill you with my bare hands!"

Okay! Will you stop raging at me if I warp you over to Zora's Domain?

"Maybe."

Fine. Malon and Yuna suddenly found themselves at the entrance to Zora's Domain. There, happy?

"Meh, fine. I forgive you. For now..."

xxx

Water Temple, again...

"... and also fix that huge hole that the tree made."

Dark Link went off grumbling to fulfill his employer's wishes. Meanwhile, Ganondorf waited impatiently yet again to speak with Morpha.

"You done giving orders to your... plumber?"

"Yeah. What are you still hanging around for? All I can do now is wait for Link to come over to my temple. We're all out of options now."

"No. There is still one thing we could do."

"And what would that be?"

"My spies have informed me that Link apparently has a friend that he's very close with. A certain Malon LonLon."

"Where are you trying to go with this?"

"Haven't you taken Villainy 101 in college? I'm suggesting that we kidnap her and force Link into submission using her! If he values his friend's life, he'll have to do everything we tell him to do!"

"Does that include cleaning my swimming pool? Because Dark Link does a really horrible job at that."

"What? No! I was thinking more along the lines of having him capture Zelda for us! That way, I'll be able to gain all three pieces of the Triforce! It would be like killing two birds with one stone!"

"So, how exactly do you want me to capture this Malon girl? Dark Link's a bit preoccupied at the moment seeing as how he's fixing up my temple."

"Why not call him over? Doesn't he owe you a favor?"

"Who are you...? Oh. I see. Man, you are evil. I'll call him over right away."

"If this plan succeeds, all of Hyrule shall forever be under my rule! Mwah ha ha ha ha!"

Ganondorf's laughter was cut short by Dark Link's voice over the intercom.

"Umm, Mr. Morpha? Bad news. Your water bottling company was just dropped from the Hyrule stock exchange. Also, that backed up toilet I mentioned earlier? Its just gotten a whole lot worse."

"What exactly does that mean?"

"I'm just saying that the room you're in now is about to be flooded with... umm..."

"SHIT!"

"Yeah, that."