Before we start, I'd like to give credit to Foxpilot for his Ruto/fruit punch idea. You'll get it once you read it. Anyways, sorry for the delay. School projects were giving me a pain. Now that those are over, I can update faster! I hope...
Malon's Epic Cow Delivery
Ch 5: A Very Fishy Chapter
Breaking News
We interrupt your program for this breaking news. Fox McCloud has just been found murdered, marking this as the fourth in a long chain of mysterious killings to occur this week. Officials have yet to confirm who this serial killer might be. When asked about these recent killings, a resident of Kakariko Village had this to say:
"I don't know who this killer is but I hope the officials can quickly arrest this maniac and bring this person to justice."
Said commentator was found dead the next day. So far, the victims include Panther Caroso, Shadow Beast #159, the random villager mentioned above, and Fox McCloud. As a side note, Shadow Beast #159 was found with a huge stash of cookies next to his body, causing authorities to suspect that he was the mysterious cookie bandit that reigned havoc for the last few months (more details at eleven). None of the murders seem to have any connections between them, except for the fact that the victims were killed in extremely brutal ways. For now, we advice that you keep an eye out for any suspicious figures and to report them immediately to your local law enforcement agency.
In other news, Ganondorf falls behind in the polls after Senator Kirby visited Kokiri Forest just the other day. We now return to your regularly scheduled program.
xxx
"Wow. You sure were busy off-screen," Yuan commented in her usual bored tone.
"Couldn't help it. The author was threatening to turn this chapter into another filler if I didn't go and kill all those people/creatures," Malon answered, glaring at me as she said this.
"Yeah, but did you really have to kill Fox McCloud? Or that innocent commentator? The last time I checked, no one asked for those two guys to be killed."
"What are you talking about? I only killed Panther, Darunia, and that Shadow Beast. Unfortunately, I had to resurrect Darunia after killing him, seeing as how the story follows alongside the canon."
"Then who killed those two other guys?"
xxx
And we're back at the Water Temple... again...
"You called, Morpha?"
A hologram of a tall, hooded figure appeared in the boss chamber of the Water Temple. The mystery character looked nearly identical to Altair from Assassin's Creed, but with a dark red attire instead of the usual white. He stood impassively before the red ball that was currently immersed in a blue gel-like liquid.
"Ack! What are you doing here? The meeting was scheduled for two o' clock!"
"I killed my previous targets a bit sooner than I thought. Anyways, I hear that you have a job for me?"
"Yes, yes. Can you hold on a second? Dark Link! Can I get out of this sanitation gel now?"
"No. You still have another month to go."
"Ugh, fine. Damn backed up toilet..."
The hooded figure stopped Morpha's rant with a wave of his hand.
"Don't waste my time."
"Er, yes. I'll cut right to the chase. My boss, Ganondorf, wants me to kidnap some girl named Malon LonLon for him. As you can see, I'm a bit preoccupied at the moment and Dark Link's busy fixing up the temple. I was just wondering if you could go out and do this one simple job for me."
"You want me to kidnap a girl? Don't be a fool Morpha. I'm not going to bother myself with something as trivial as this."
"Hey! Don't forget about the favor you owe me! I gave you that student loan for your assassination classes!"
The hooded figure gave a sigh at this.
"Fine. I'll get around to it as soon as I'm done with the other assignments that I have right now. In exchange, you'll clear the debt. Deal?"
"Deal. Just make sure you don't screw this up."
"When have I ever failed an assignment? You can rest assured that..."
"Umm, Mr. Morpha," Dark Link interrupted, "I think we've got ourselves a problem."
"If it involves another backed up toilet, I swear I'm going to..."
"Er, no. No toilets this time. It's about that tree that flew in earlier. It seems to have fused itself with your illusion generator machine."
"So?"
"I'm afraid that the tree's making your machine go on the fritz. We might have to deal with some illusions throughout the temple."
"What kinds of illusions?"
"Umm... let's just say that there's a very horny Redead headed for you right now..."
xxx
Malon and Yuna made their way into the main area of Zora's Domain. Upon their arrival, however, they found a large portion of the area frozen. Even more surprising was the fact that all the Zoras were frozen underneath the ice. Strangely enough, it was Yuna, not Malon, who was more ticked off about the unexpected complication.
"Oh, come on! Now who are we supposed to ask for directions?"
"Relax. There's a simple solution to this."
"And what would that be?"
"We just find this Ruto person and then I'll get her out of the ice with my Fireball Jutsu."
"Huh. Didn't know you could use that technique. But then again, I guess I shouldn't be surprised by now. Anyways, how are we going to figure out which one is Ruto?"
"Simple. Just look for the one unique Zora. That's how Nintendo always distinguishes between important characters and basic NPCs."
And so, Malon and Yuna began to scour the entire room looking for the one unique Zora. All in all, their search didn't take that long.
"Wow, that was easy. Finding Waldo in a group of people wearing only white would've been harder than this. On the other hand, I would've never thought that a princess could look this ugly. Or fat."
"Er, farmer girl? I'm pretty sure that this isn't Princess Ruto."
"What do you mean? This is the only unique Zora we've found so far. She's even got a crown on her head."
"Maybe you should try looking at this sign over here."
"... oh."
"Apparently we're looking at King Zora, not Ruto."
"Uh, yeah. Hey, look! There's a random tunnel behind the king! Let's go investigate!"
"Don't change the subject. I want to taunt you for your mistake a bit more."
"There's no time! We have to hurry!"
With that, Malon dragged Yuna over to Zora's Fountain. Just as Zora's Domain was, the entire area was blanketed by snow and ice. However, the thing that caught the attention of our two heroes was a gigantic frozen fish that had its mouth wide open. Having no other leads, Malon and Yuna walked over to investigate the giant fish. Next to it, they found a sign that proclaimed the fish to be Lord Jabu-Jabu.
"Now what?" Yuna asked.
"Well, call it a hunch but I think we'll find Ruto inside this thing."
"No. Absolutely not. I am not going inside a giant frozen fish. I'm going to wait out here and there's nothing you can do about it."
As soon as Yuna was done talking, Malon grabbed her and threw her inside Jabu-Jabu.
"What's it look like in there?"
"I'm going to freaking murder you one of these days."
With a shrug, Malon followed Yuna inside.
It was apparent that Jabu-Jabu was still alive due to the fact that his insides were still convulsing. Malon guessed that the fish was merely in a hibernation state due to the cold. After walking further in, she found Yuna waiting indignantly for her.
"If you ever throw me again, I'm going to..."
"Save your threats for later. Let's find Ruto first and get out of here quickly. The smell of this place is disgusting."
Yuna gave an annoyed "moo" before following Malon into the next room. The two found themselves in a spacious room with small pools of water here and there. Upon entering, they immediately noticed that they weren't alone. A lone Zora stood pompously before them.
"Who are you and what are you doing here?" the Zora asked in an arrogant tone.
"Are you Princess Ruto?"
"And what if I am?"
"Finally! Alright, I'm Malon LonLon and this here's Yuna."
"Moo. Hi."
Ruto looked in surprise at Yuna.
"What the...? How can a cow talk?"
"Long story. Anyways, I was told you could help me find..."
"Yeah, whatever. Can you guys tell me if the ice has melted yet? I really want to get out of here but I'm afraid I'll freeze over like the rest of my people."
"Umm, no. It's still like a winter wonderland out there. Hey, if you want to get out of here so badly, why don't you just make a break for Hyrule Field? The last I checked, the temperature's pretty decent there."
"Are you an idiot or something? After I get to the field, what would I do? I'm half-fish. I need water to survive! Besides, I was rather hoping Link would come and rescue me."
A dreamy look came upon Ruto's face as she said this.
"That's great and all but can you just..."
"Do you know Link? I bet you do. He's so popular with everyone."
"Link? Er, yeah. I know him. He's a close friend of mine."
Ruto's dreamy expression suddenly changed into one of suspicion.
"Close friend? Just how close are we talking here?"
"Nothing serious. He merely helped me out a couple of times so I..."
"So. You're trying to steal Link away from me. Well, I won't let you!"
"Whoa, there! I'm not trying to steal anyone from anybody! I just came here to ask..."
"Shut up you slut! Only I can have Link! And there's nothing you can do about it!"
Malon just gave an exasperated sigh before turning around to leave.
"Hey! Where do you think you're going? Come back here so I can insult you some more!"
"Come on, Yuna. It's apparent that we're not going to get any answers here."
Ruto continued to pelt Malon with various taunts and insults as the two began to walk out of the room.
"I said come back here, you little whore! You... you... You're dad's a lazy asshole!"
Malon didn't even bother to look back as she answered.
"Meh. You're half-right on that one. And I can tell you it's not the asshole part."
"You're a fucking retard who doesn't know the difference between a Cucco and a fish!"
"Is that the best you can come up with?"
"You're mother was a fucking whore!"
Malon suddenly stopped walking. Noticing the reaction, Ruto foolishly decided to continue on that line.
"Oh, sensitive about your mother, huh? Yeah, you heard me. She was the village whore! In fact, if you look for the definition of a "slut" or "whore" in the dictionary, there's a picture of your mother on it! She was..."
If Ruto wasn't so focused on insulting Malon's mom, she might have noticed the rapid change in the atmosphere of the room. A sense of doom began to blanket the entire area. Even the temperature seemed to drop a few degrees. As for Malon herself, it looked as if she was surrounded by a blazing red aura. Her eyes lost their usual impassive look and was replaced with one of pure indignation and hatred. Yuna immediately noticed and took a few nervous steps away from Malon.
"Hey! Are you even listening to me?"
Malon's right hand suddenly blazed to life in a surge of blue electricity.
"No one... talks that way... ABOUT MY MOTHER!"
The Chidori in Malon's hand intensified to such high levels that the skin on her own hand began to disintegrate. Before anyone could even blink, Malon charged forward and thrust her attack straight through the unfortunate Zora's skull. Ruto was dead before her brain even had the time to register what had happened. Malon withdrew her now bloody hand and watched as the corpse fell over...
only for it to poof into a log.
"What? A Substitution Jutsu?"
Malon turned around and found Ruto standing as contemptuously as ever right behind her.
"Did you really think you could defeat me with such a low grade move? I'm the next in line of becoming the Sage of Water! I'm more powerful than any mortal could ever hope to envision!"
Malon charged up her Chidori again and rushed once more at Ruto. Ruto easily back-flipped a safe distance away from Malon and then began to perform a long chain of hand signs.
"If it's a Naruto battle you want, it'll be a Naruto battle you'll get! Just try to avoid this, you pathetic little bitch!"
With that said, Ruto finished up her hand signs.
"Water Style: Water Dragon Jutsu!"
The pool of water next to Ruto erupted to life as a gigantic serpentine dragon made out of water emerged. The beast wasted no time in locking onto Malon. With its target located, the dragon roared ferociously and dived at her with the momentum of a freight train. All hope seemed lost for Malon as the dragon drew ever closer, its roar resounding louder and louder as if signaling the end that was to come. It was as if...
"Oh, shut up! Water Style: Water Dragon Jutsu!"
Suddenly, an identical water dragon took form from the pool of water next to Malon. It took notice of the dragon that Ruto had created and charged headfirst towards it. The two dragons spiraled upwards together before clashing with a force strong enough to shred an entire village. The dragons kept up their attacks until they both succeeded in effectively destroying the other. Ruto stared at Malon in shock as both of the dragons' forms dissipated.
"How did you...?"
Upon closer inspection, Ruto noticed that Malon's eyes had suddenly turned red with three black tomoes surrounding each eye.
"Simple. I used the power of my Sharingan eyes. As you know it allows me to copy any one of my opponents Jutsu."
"What? Only members of the Uchiha Clan can have that power! How did you get your hands on something like that?"
"I stole them from Sasuke back in the last chapter."
"Grr. Whatever! Your puny Sharingan can't hope to best my powers! Just try to follow this one!"
Ruto began to perform hand signs at such speed that a normal person wouldn't have been able to even see it happen. However, Malon easily kept up with the power of her Sharingan. In just a few seconds, Ruto finished her hand signs and raised her hand to perform the Jutsu. Unfortunately for her, Malon beat her to it.
"Water Style: Giant Vortex Jutsu!"
An enormous funnel of water fired itself directly onto Ruto with the force of a space shuttle takeoff. Ruto was swept up in the current and was thrown helplessly about in the water until the water jet slammed her into a wall. She was still in a very dazed state when Malon quickly ran towards her and locked eyes with her enemy.
"Tsukuyomi!"
Ruto suddenly found herself tied to a chair in an empty void. Looking around, she noticed that an ominous red light overshadowed the entire area. She also realized that every object in the void, which was just herself and the chair, had taken on an inverted color scale.
"What did you do to me? Where am I?"
Malon's voice immediately resonated throughout the void in answer.
"You are now trapped within the world of Tsukuyomi. Everything in here is of my design. Time... space... the very fabric of reality. I control all. In here, the pain you feel shall be as real as any felt in reality."
"NO! I know what you're going to do! You're going to make me drink fruit punch until I explode! You monster!"
Malon remained silent for a while before answering.
"Though that sounds like an entertaining idea, I have something far worse planned for you."
As she said this, a large wide-screen television appeared before Ruto. At the same time, Ruto felt her eyes being taped open by an invisible force.
"For the next 72 hours, you shall be forced to watch Death Note..."
"What? Death Note was an awesome anime! How is watching that torture?"
"You didn't let me finish. Ahem. For the next 72 hours, you shall be forced to watch Death Note... after its been localized by 4Kids!"
"NOOOOOO!"
xxx
One second later in the real world...
Ruto collapsed in a heap as Malon shut off her Sharingan eye. Figuring the battle was over, Yuna cautiously walked over to Malon.
"I have no idea what you did to her and I do not want to find out. Can we just get out of here now?"
Malon was about to reply when she heard a groan behind her. Malon whipped around and found to her utter amazement that Ruto had somehow gotten up.
"You... you think you've won? Don't... make me... laugh. I'm... the next Sage... of Water... and... Link's future... wife. I'm... not... going down... that... easy."
Malon slowly walked over to the barely standing Zora, each footstep resounding a sense of spine-chilling dread. Malon stopped directly in front of Ruto, towering over her victim.
"In any other circumstances, I would've pitied you, maybe even spared you. But you insulted the one person that I held most dearly. And for that, the punishment... is death."
Ruto closed her eyes as she accepted her fate.
"Malon Punch!"
xxx
Hyrule Field...
The mysterious Altair look-alike stooped down as he investigated the ground.
"So, they headed towards the south-east. But that still leaves a lot of potential locations to search."
Suddenly, the crazy man from Ch 2 came running across the field and stopped in front of the hooded figure.
"Repent! Repent! The end is... Gwak!"
The hooded figure grabbed the lunatic by the neck and lifted him up.
"I'm in a hurry, so answer quickly. Have you seen a red-headed girl pass by?"
The crazy man barely managed a nod.
"Good. Do you know where they are right now?"
"Zora... Zora's Domain..."
"I see. Well, thank you for your help. It has been most appreciated."
With that, the hooded figure blasted the poor man into oblivion with an energy blast from his free hand. The villain dusted off the ashes that remained on his hand and headed swiftly towards his objective.
xxx
?
A group of shadowed figures were gathered around a large conference desk. Among them, a rather thin looking person stood up to deliver his report.
"Sir. Our spies have just alerted us to the fact that the fourth wall around our target location is suddenly breaking."
This time a spiky-haired figure wearing what seemed like a cape spoke up.
"How long before we can pass through?"
"Not sure. Our spy network still can't locate the exact cause of this phenomenon. Currently, however, the fourth wall seems to be deteriorating at an exponential rate. It shouldn't be that long before it shatters completely."
"Why don't we just try to force our way through now?" the smallest figure of the group asked.
"No. If we act too rashly, our enemies might catch onto our plan. We need to wait until we can all pass through to the other side... undetected," replied a tall figure.
"Indeed. For now, we shall merely wait. But soon, the entire universe shall fall before us! And there isn't anyone strong enough to stop us! Mwa ha ha ha ha ha!"
The entire room echoed with the evil laughter of the entire organization, as if foreshadowing the potential apocalypse that was to come. The maniacal laughter was halted when the spiky-haired figure slammed his fist on the desk.
"That's enough. We need to get back to our previous discussion. Who's up for Chinese take-out?"