Malon's Epic Cow Delivery
Ch 6: Fairies, Assassins, and Plot Development
Breaking News
We interrupt your program for this breaking news. Senator Kirby has been assassinated on his way to Zora's Domain. Senator Kirby was heading towards his next campaign site in an uncovered limousine when he was sniped through the head at 12:30 P.M. Officials have stated that Kirby was shot with a 6.5×52mm Mannlicher-Carcano rifle from a nearby treetop. Although the police and special service agents managed to find the gun used for the assassination, they were not able to apprehend the killer. Even though the gun was thoroughly checked for fingerprints, none were reported to be found. When asked about who this mysterious killer could be, one of the secret service agents had this to say:
"All we know for now is that we're dealing with a highly trained assassin. But mark my words, we'll catch this bastard in the end."
The nation now mourns for the loss of one of their prime candidates for their future dictator. Our current dictator, Ganondorf, told this to the nation:
"Yes, yes. We'll all mourn Senator Kirby and whatnot. Now hurry up and vote for me before I destroy your homes!"
Senator Kirby shall be given a proper burial in his home world of Dream Land this following Monday. We all hope that the nation can overcome this time of great tragedy.
In other news, the Mushroom Kingdom Giants narrowly pulled a win from the Pokemon Yankees thanks to the ninth inning home run by Bowser (more details at seven). We now return to your regularly scheduled program.
xxx
"Moo! Did you really have to punch Ruto that hard?"
"Why are you asking? That bitch had it coming."
"Yeah, you're right. I guess I shouldn't say anything. There's just that teensy little problem concerning the shockwave from your punch which... FREAKIN BLEW UP JABU-JABU!"
By now, one could see that Malon and Yuna were standing on a floating iceberg. Nothing remained of the giant fish that had once existed on that very same spot.
"Meh. Collateral damage."
"Collateral damage? You just nuked the Zora's deity figure! Now we're probably going to get mobbed by an angry group of zealots!"
"Then we'll just bring in a squadron of Firebats with Stimpack upgrades to kill off those Zealots."
"I'm not talking about Starcraft Zealots! I'm talking about those religion obsessed Zoras who'll probably burn us at the stake!"
"Oh. Then maybe we should get out of here."
"Finally! Let's hurry up and... Shit! Someone's coming this way!"
Malon quickly grabbed Yuna and jumped the few hundred feet or so to a small piece of land containing a few shrubs, boulders, and what seemed like an entrance to a cave. The two clambered behind one of the boulders and slowly peeked out from their hiding spot. They immediately spotted a figure dressed in dark blue and white entering Zora's Fountain.
"Hey! It's Zelda pretending to be Sheik!"
Yuna gave Malon a look of confusion.
"How did you know that?"
"Remember back in Ch 3 when we were asking for directions? Vegeta told us that Zelda was pretending to be the last of Sheikah tribe. He also told us exactly what Zelda's Sheik disguise looked like."
"How come I don't remember any of this?"
"Well, it was rather hard to understand what he was saying. He kept yelling 'Over 9000!' after every word."
"Eh, I guess that explains it. Anyways, I wonder what Sheik... er, I mean Zelda's doing in a place like this?"
Suddenly, Sheik stooped down and started to dig through one of the large snow drifts that had formed after Malon's epic punch from the last chapter.
"What is he... er, she doing?"
Yuna's question was answered when Sheik seemed to grab something in the snow and started to pull it out. Much to our two heroes' surprise, they saw that Sheik had pulled out an unconscious Ruto from underneath the snow.
"What? How did she survive? That punch should've been powerful enough to completely atomize her!"
"Moo! Be quiet! We might get caught! And besides, you said so yourself. This story follows alongside the canon so we can't kill characters essential to the plot!"
"Damn."
The two continued to watch as Sheik tried to wake Ruto up. Eventually, the Zora princess finally opened her eyes. Even from the far distance, Malon's superb hearing allowed her to hear what was being said between Sheik and Ruto.
"Thank the Goddesses. I've been looking all over for you. Are you okay? What happened here?"
Ruto shook her head to get rid of the daze surrounding her.
"Ooh, my head. It feels like it got trampled by a cow. Oh, you asked what happened? Not sure. The last thing I remember is speaking to my father about the correct way to barbeque a Cucco. Everything after that is just one big blank."
"Princess, you do realize that all the Zoras, including your father, are currently frozen right now?"
"Huh? Really? I guess I must have been frozen as well."
"Hmm. By the way, do you have any idea what happened to Lord Jabu-Jabu?"
"I'm guessing he fled when the place froze over. He is a deity so I wouldn't worry about him."
"I see. Anyways, you do know that you're the next in line of becoming the Sage of Water, correct? I think it would be best if you wait for the Hero of Time at the Water Temple. I shall accompany you to Lake Hylia and then return back here. Knowing Link, he's bound to wander aimlessly about looking for the next temple. I shall inform him of your location once I meet up with him."
"Sounds fine by me. By the way, how did you find me? For that matter, who are you?"
"My name's Sheik. And I found you using this Sage locator device that I bought on eBay. Pity it's a one time use only. Oh well."
Malon let out a sigh of relief as the two finally headed out.
"Well? What just happened?"
"It's fine. They think that Jabu-Jabu used his powers as a deity to escape the cold. As for Ruto, Sheik assumed that she was frozen, just like the rest of the Zora's."
"Thank Farore! I thought we'd have to face the Zora Inquisition or something!"
"Yeah. Now that that's over with, let's get out of here. It's starting to get a bit cold."
Yuna and Malon got up from their hiding spot and got ready to disembark once more. However, just as the two prepared for the jump to the exit, Yuna took notice of Malon's right hand.
"Whoa. Umm, farmer girl? I think you need to get your hand checked."
Malon looked down and found that her right hand was very badly swollen and had taken on an unhealthy shade of purple in certain areas.
"Damn. I must've overdone it with the Chidori and Malon Punch."
"You think? How the hell did you not notice this any sooner? Didn't you feel anything?"
"Meh. It kinda tingled but I didn't think it was anything this serious. By the way, you got any ideas on how to heal this? I think it might be infected."
"Well, there just conveniently happens to be a Great Fairy Fountain behind us..."
xxx
Inside the Great Fairy Fountain...
During the entire walk into the Fountain, Yuna tried to discretely stay behind Malon. Unfortunately for her, she wasn't doing a very good job at it.
"Umm, Yuna? May I ask why you're trying to hide behind me?"
"Don't tell me. You never heard about the Great Fairies?"
"I've heard rumors about them from travelers who visited the ranch. They told me that the Great Fairies were ancient beings who presided over the entire race of fairies."
"Didn't they tell you about what they look like?"
"No. But I figured they looked like gigantic glowing balls with equally large wings attached to them. After all, that's what Link's bitch-of-a-fairy looked like."
"WRONG! If that's what you think, you're in for quite a shock."
"What do you mean?"
"Alright, I'll tell you. Imagine a giant female hooker wearing nothing more than plant matter for clothes. Now add in a large dose of mascara and... Presto! You got yourself a Great Fairy."
"Whoa. They look that bad?"
"Ugh. Just wait and see. We're about to meet one soon anyhow."
Malon and Yuna eventually stopped in front of the fountain itself. They waited nervously for something to appear but nothing happened.
"Umm, how long are we supposed to wait?"
Yuna suddenly looked down and noticed the Triforce symbol they were standing on.
"Ah, crap. I forgot that only those who know the royal melody can summon the Great Fairies. Looks like we'll just have to go back to Kakariko Village and buy some Red Potion or something."
"I'm not walking all the way back there! Hey, Great Fairy! If you don't show yourself within the next three seconds, I'm going to demolish your little fountain! One... two... thre..."
Suddenly, the entire room was filled with blinding white light. Yuna immediately crouched down and covered her eyes with her hooves. Meanwhile, Malon stood as impassively as ever as the Great Fairy came into view.
"Look, little missy! No one messes around with my fountain! Do you have any idea how much it cost me to build this place?"
Malon stood dumbfounded as she got her first full view of a Great Fairy.
"Whoa. Hey, Yuna. You really need to see this."
"Never! I'm not going to let that god-forsaken creature burn my eyes out!"
"No, seriously. You need to see this. I think it's you who might be in for a surprise."
Yuna reluctantly lowered her hooves and took a peek with one of her eyes. What she saw left her dumbfounded as well.
"Wha...?"
Standing before the two was a beautiful young maiden in a flowing midnight-blue dress. Her tall, slender form enchanted everyone looking upon her. Adding to the image was her pinkish-red hair which fell elegantly down to her waist. In short, this female figure was the pristine symbol of beauty and glamor.
"Moo! Who are you and what did you do to the Great Fairy?"
The woman looked at Yuna with a puzzled expression.
"I'm the Great Fairy. Exactly who were you expecting?"
"Uhh... well, I figured you'd look like that image of the Great Fairies they have on Google. You see, I did some research online during one of those handy scene transitions."
"So that's how you knew about all those things," Malon remarked.
The Great Fairy let out a small giggle before replying.
"Ah, that picture. You see, the image you saw online is the form my sisters and I take on to mess around with Link."
"Mess around with Link? He's a guy who's faced Redeads as a kid! Just how bad is this form?" Malon naively asked.
"This bad."
The Great Fairy was suddenly surrounded by a bright light as she began to change her appearance. Malon had enough sense to cover her eyes before the transformation was complete. Yuan wasn't so lucky.
"MY EYES!"
Yuna screamed in agony as her eyeballs were promptly melted out of their sockets.
The Great Fairy noticed the damage she had caused and quickly changed back into her previous form.
"Oops. Sorry about that. Let me fix that up for you."
A mystical green light enveloped Yuna as her eyes were magically restored to normal. The first thing Yuna did with her newly repaired eyes was to give the Great Fairy a glare that could've paralyzed an electric-type Pokemon.
"Hey, don't glare at me like that! You're the one who asked to see me in that form!"
"I'm not the one who asked! It was the nincompoop standing next to me who did! Speaking of which, we've got a little favor to ask you. Would you mind healing Ms. Nincompoop's hand here?"
Malon stepped forward and showed the Great Fairy her hand. Said fairy recoiled slightly at the sight.
"Yech! What did you do to that poor hand? Stick it into a meat grinder or something?"
"No. I merely pummeled the living daylights out of the Sage of Water with it. If you've got any complaints, feel free to let me know."
"Sage of Water? You don't mean Ruto do you?"
"And what if it was?"
"Awesome! I've been meaning to give that stuck-up brat a beating for quite some time now but never got around to it. Anyways, for your commendable act, I shall heal your hand free of charge! Also, if there's anything else I can help you with, just let me know!"
As she said this, Malon's hand was enveloped by the same green light that fixed Yuna's eyes. In a matter of seconds, the hand was back to perfect condition. Malon tested it out by throwing a few punches into the air. Unfortunately, the shockwave created by the punches caused parts of the ceiling to collapse and crash down onto Yuna.
"Moo! What are you trying to do? Turn me into ground beef? Seriously, what's up with your Chuck Norris level strength?"
As Malon helped Yuna out of the rubble, the Great Fairy looked curiously at the overpowered girl.
"Hmm. I get the strange feeling that I've seen you somewhere before."
As soon as she had freed Yuna from the ceiling parts, Malon turned around to face the Great Fairy.
"Unless you've been stalking me or something, I find that hard to believe. This is the first time I've met one of your kind."
"That may be, but I definitely find you familiar. Maybe I knew your mother or something?"
Suddenly a look of understanding passed over the Great Fairy's face.
"No way. But that would mean that you're a..."
The Great Fairy was about to say more but stopped short when she glanced at Malon. It was barely noticeable but Malon was signaling at the Great Fairy to stop speaking by shaking her head. The Great Fairy nodded in understanding and quickly changed the subject.
"So, anything else you need help with?"
"Actually there is. Would you happen to know how to get to Kokiri Forest?"
Before the Great Fairy could reply, Yuna cut in.
"Wait, hold on a second. What were you trying to say before? You actually knew farmer girl's mother? Who was she then?"
The Great Fairy smiled as if Yuna had said something very amusing.
"You'll figure it out soon enough. Anyways, in answer to your previous question: No, I don't know where Kokiri Forest is. On the other hand, my sister who lives in Gerudo Valley might. I'll warp you two over to the entrance of Gerudo Valley. Unfortunately, my sister didn't leave me an exact address to her fountain so you'll just have to find it on your own. Besides, I'm sure you know the way around there pretty well." The Great Fairy gave Malon a wink as she said this.
"Moo! Will someone please tell me what's going on?"
"Maybe later. Alright, beam us up Great Fairy!"
"Ugh. I hate Star Trek."
With that the two were warped out in a flash of green light.
xxx
Somewhere between Hyrule Field and Zora's Domain...
The assassin from the previous chapter was continuing on towards his next target when his communicator started to beep. He let out an annoyed sigh and turned it on. Immediately, a hologram of a thin shadowy figure appeared in front of the assassin.
"What? Can't you see that I'm busy right now?"
"Then I suppose the assignment I've given you is already complete?"
"Partially. I've still got a few more targets left on the list."
"Unacceptable! When I hired you, you told me that the assignment would be done in a few days! It's been almost a week! If the job isn't done soon, my superiors might catch onto my plan. If that happens, I might as well feed myself to Mickey Mouse or something. At least it wouldn't be as painful as what they would do to me." The figure gave a shudder as he said this.
"Relax. It's merely taking some time locating the targets. As soon as I'm done with this job I'm currently handling, I'll turn my full attention onto yours. Maybe you could speed things up by giving me some help?"
"What do you need?"
"I need the location of a local girl named Malon LonLon."
"Well, that's easy enough. Give me a second."
The assassin waited impatiently for his mystery employer to come back with the information.
"Ah, here it is. She's currently in the western region of Hyrule. It's apparently called Gerudo Valley. Seems you got quite a walk ahead of you."
"That's no problem. What I don't understand is how she got all the way there without me noticing."
"Who knows? She probably used a warp spell or something. By the way, why are you in Hyrule in the first place?"
"I heard many of the targets on your list were visiting this realm. Figured I'd take out as many of them as I could at one time."
"Huh. And who exactly would be the next target?"
"The siblings: Link and Zelda Hyrule."