More plot development in this one. Don't worry though. By the next chapter, things will really start to pick up. Plus, I've planned some insanely random plot ideas for the future. They'll be up once this whole assassin saga is over. Anyways, I've got a little question that I've been wanting to ask. As everyone knows, the new remake of OoT is featured in 3D. If that's the case, does that mean the game will also have 3D Redeads? :P

Malon's Epic Cow Delivery
Ch 8: Welcome to Gerudo Valley!

True to the Great Fairy's words, Malon and Yuna found themselves teleported to the entrance of Gerudo Valley. To be more exact, they found themselves next to the carpenters' tent. However, it was obvious that one of the two was not in a good mood.

"I can't believe that stupid author left me out of the last chapter! Me! The main character of this entire story!"

"Shut up, Yuna. He left me out as well, if you forgot."

"At least you're name was mentioned! I didn't even get a freakin cameo appearance!"

"Whatever. At least we now know the truth about Link's past. I get the feeling that the information from that last chapter will be very important later on."

"You're over-analyzing it. That moron of an author probably just wrote that last chapter as a filler because he couldn't think of a way to advance the plot for the main story. At least, that's what I think."

"If you're so curious about it, why don't we just ask him about it? Hey, author! Is what Yuna saying really true?"

No comment.

"Oh, come on! You can tell us! It's not like I'm going to brutally murder you if the last chapter was a filler or anything!"

…

"Fine! Be that way! Asshole."

Speak to me like that again and you can say good-bye to your Naruto powers.

"Did I say asshole? What I meant to say was that you're a great author whose writing skills exceeds even those of J.R.R. Tolkien!"

I wish. Fine. You can keep you're Naruto powers for now. However, I've got my eyes on you.

"Don't you always have your eyes on me and Yuna anyways? You are the one who's writing all of this."

*Sigh* Look. As much as I love talking with you two, we should really stop doing this. I don't think the fourth wall's going to last much longer if we keep this up. From now on, only contact me in case of a dire emergency.

"What..."

I SAID NO MORE TALKING!

"Fine, fine. Sheesh. Talk about an author with anger issues."

"You said it. He..."

Yuna was suddenly cut off by a loud roar that echoed from somewhere off in the distance.

"What was that?"

"Moo. It's probably just the author trying to stop us from continuing to insult him."

"No. If that was the case, he would've probably dropped a Goron on you or something. I'm pretty sure that whatever that roar was, it had to do with the plot."

"Fine then. Let's go investigate."

xxx
Somewhere in the Ice Cavern...

"... and that would be the Serenade of Water. I hope you've finally memorized it. After all, you did make me replay it 97 times for you... Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go do something productive with my life. And no. Hanging out with you is least productive thing I can think of. Farewell."

With that, Sheik used her handy Deku Nut to vanish, leaving a rather disappointed Link behind.

"Aw, man. Why doesn't he ever want to hang out with me?"

Navi took this time to fly out of Link's hat and answer his question.

"One, you're an idiot. Two, he's probably got better things to do. Three, Sheik is actually Zelda in disguise and is afraid you'll find out about his/her secret."

"What was that last part again? I was too busy staring at the walls. They're shiny."

"Never mind."

"By the way, I've got something to ask you. Why is it that every time I see Sheik, I'm suddenly reminded of pinatas?"

"What do I look like, you're freakin psychiatrist? How the hell should I know?"

"I was just curious, that's all. Well, never mind that. Let's get going to the Water Temple!"

"Finally. Hurry up and play that song to warp us over."

"..."

"Don't tell me. You already forgot how to play it, didn't you?"

Link gave a weak nod as he slowly sidestepped towards the door.

He didn't make it.

"WHAT THE...? WHERE'D YOU GET A PACK OF RABID BADGERS FROM? NO! DON'T EAT MY SPLEEN!"

xxx
Gerudo Fortress...

The moment Malon and Yuna entered Gerudo Fortress, they could see that something was amiss. What seemed like the entire Gerudo tribe was out fighting some kind of large monster that was currently obscured by the sand. Even more surprising was the fact that a group of male carpenters were aiding the Gerudos in their battle. Knowing the feminist attitudes of the Gerudos, Malon knew that something really big had to be up if the Gerudos were actually accepting help from a group of men.

"Moo. I guess you were right about the whole plot thing. Wonder what they're all fighting though. Hey, farmer girl can you see... Farmer girl?"

Yuna turned her head just in time to catch a glimpse of Malon making a beeline for the monster in question. Yuna just heaved a sigh and made herself comfortable for the slaughter-fest that was about to commence.

"Whatever that beast is, may the Goddesses have mercy on its poor soul."

xxx

"It's no good! The beast's hide is just to thick for our weapons to pierce through!"

"Keep trying! If this continues, the entire fortress will be destroyed!"

"Watch out!"

A large scaly tail appeared out of nowhere and flung nearly all of the Gerudos and carpenters into the air. Those that dodged the tail swipe had to fall back as a stream of fire suddenly blasted its way towards them.

"Damn it! The fortress is lost! Everyone, evacuate to the desert, now!"

"You heard her! Hurry... wait a second. Who's that heading towards us?"

Everyone turned to see a teenage girl wearing a white blouse and a purple dress heading straight towards the monster. The Gerudo that spoke earlier was just about to shout out a warning when the girl suddenly lept forty feet into the air.

"Malon Force Punch!"

The girl let loose a mighty punch that created a shockwave so intense that it actually blew apart the gate separating the fortress and the desert. Luckily, none of the Gerudos and carpenters were harmed thanks to the whole allied battle protection rule. The beast, on the other hand wasn't so lucky. It was blown nearly a hundred feet before it managed to get it's feet back on the ground. Without the sand obscuring it, one could now see that the monster was in fact an enormous Dodongo at least twice the size of King Dodongo.

All of the carpenters and most of the Gerudo were too stunned by what had just happened to even notice the Dodongo as it let loose an angry roar.

"Who is that?" one of the Gerudos asked to no one in particular.

One of the higher-ranking Gerudo officers answered her with a smile on her face.

"That, my sister, would be the daughter of our greatest ambassador. You should make yourself comfortable. We are about to witness the utter annihilation of that Dodongo."

xxx

Malon landed gracefully onto her feet and prepared herself to launch another devastating attack on the Dodongo. The monster, however, had other plans. As soon as it fully recovered, it breathed out a torrent of scorching fire at Malon causing her to quickly roll out of the way to avoid the attack.

"So you like fire, huh? Well then, you're sure to love this! Fire Style: Fireball Jutsu!"

Malon suddenly breathed out an enormous fireball that consumed the entire Dodongo. Even though its skin was relatively fire-proof, the heat of the flames that Malon had created was just too much for it to bear. With another loud roar, the beast collapsed as the fire continued to incinerate it. At this sight, the Gerudos and carpenters let out a large cheer and started to head towards Malon to congratulate her. Malon turned towards the cheering crowd and gave a small smile and wave in answer. Just then, one of the Gerudos let out a shout.

"Watch out!"

Malon had just enough time to turn around as a large flying object suddenly bashed into her and slammed them both through a wall. Everyone watching, except for Yuna, looked on with looks of utter shock. When they turned around, they saw that the Dodongo was back on its feet. Now that monster's skin was burnt up, everyone could see that the monster was in fact a giant robot. And apparently, it had just fired off one of its front legs as a rocket. Before anyone could say anything, a large thud sounded as Malon pushed the rocket-powered fist/leg off of her and walked out again looking more annoyed than hurt.

"Really? A robot? What is this, Terminator: Rise of the Dodongos or something?"

The robotic monster let out another roar as it charged straight for Malon. With a yell of her own, Malon ran out to confront the robot head on. Once they reached striking distances of one another, the Dodongo took a snap at her with its metallic jaws. Luckily, Malon managed to slide directly underneath the Dodongo and avoid the steel traps. With another yell, Malon slung an uppercut straight into the monster's stomach area, sending it flying into the air. Malon quickly jumped up after it, drawing both her arms back as she approached it.

"Malon Barrage!"

The poor Dodongo was hit by a string of punches so powerful that it could've smashed Majora's Moon into baby powder. In a matter of seconds, the robot's fragments were raining down towards the ground. And once again, Malon landed lightly on her feet as the crowd went wild. Yuna just gave a bored 'moo' and began to amble over, knowing that the battle was now officially over. Meanwhile, numerous praises and thank-yous were heard from the crowd. A group of Gerudos swiftly promised a banquet in honor of Malon and went off to set it up. So bright was the mood that even the carpenters were invited to the feast. Everyone else who didn't go to prepare the banquet continued to celebrate Malon's victory in loud voices.

And throughout all of this, no one noticed the Dodongo's tail fragment detach itself and burrow into the sand, quietly vanishing without a trace.

xxx
Just outside the Water Temple...

"Umm, Navi? How am I supposed to get all the way down to that temple door?"

Navi gave a face-plant before answering through gritted teeth.

"Use.. the... fucking... iron... boots."

"Oh. I could've figured that one out."

"Right. Maybe in a thousand years or so."

"Hey! Give me some credit, will you? After all, I did finally remember the song that got us here!"

"All thanks to my encouragement."

"Rabid badgers aren't encouragement! If I didn't have plot protection, I'd be dead right now! Speaking of which, doesn't this whole plot protection thing pretty much make me immortal?"

"Don't question it. Besides, a better question would be why you're not sinking into the water even without the iron boots on."

"Huh? What do you mean?"

"Think about it. You're carrying a metal shield that probably weighs around thirty to forty pounds. Plus, you've got a rupee sack containing about fifteen pounds of cash. And I'm not even taking all of your items into consideration right now! How are you managing to stay afloat?"

"Ow. All those numbers hurt my brain. Give me a second while I recover."

"Never mind. It's obvious that your empty head's acting as a flotation device."

"My head still hurts. Can you get me an ice-pack?"

"What do I look like, your mother?"

xxx
Back at Gerudo Fortress...

Malon, Yuna, and a group of Gerudo officers was gathered in a large room filled with luxurious cushions for everyone to sit on. The Gerudo officers in the room knew Malon personally and had settled down to enjoy a nice chat. The carpenters and the other Gerudos were currently outside trying to fix the gate that Malon had destroyed.

"Wow! You sure have grown Malon. I still remember when you were just a little girl. You used to always hold onto your mother's hand whenever you visited. I swear, it would've probably taken a hundred Gorons to have pulled you off of her."

Everyone except Yuna laughed at this.

"So. What brings you over to our neck of the woods?"

"Funny you would say woods. I'm currently on a journey to find Kokiri Forest."

And so, Malon began her epic tale. After nearly half an hour, Malon's story caught up to the present.

"...so now, we're supposed to look for the Great Fairy that lives here."

"Great Fairy? Oh, I know who you're talking about! She lives practically next door to the Desert Colossus. Of course, you'll have to get through the desert to reach it though."

"That's no problem. I've been through the desert before."

"Yeah, but you're mother was always with you back then. Still, I'm pretty sure you can make it through. The sandstorm season just ended so it shouldn't be that hard to navigate. By the way, I've been meaning to ask you this for quite a while. How's your mother doing? It's been years since she last visited."

The smile on Malon's face was instantly gone. All cheeriness in the room was suddenly sapped away and replaced by a feeling of melancholy. Everyone present knew that this wasn't a topic that they should've brought up.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to..."

With a dead expression, Malon shook her head.

"No. It's alright. My mother... well, she isn't with us any more."

Everyone, including Yuna, suddenly had on shocked expressions on their faces.

"What? When did this happen?"

"If it's alright with you, can we please not talk about this?"

"Of...of course."

Luckily, the awkward silence was broken by a Gerudo messenger who came into announce that the feast was ready. Slowly, everyone stood up to head for the dining room. As they walked along, Yuna took the time to talk with Malon in private.

"Moo! You never told me that you're mom was dead!"

"Yuna, I'm not in the mood for your sarcastic remarks right now. Just leave me alone."

With that Malon walked off, leaving Yuna to look at her retreating form in confusion.

"I wasn't going to say anything sarcastic! Okay. Maybe a little, but still..."

xxx

What would've otherwise been a cheerful celebration was marred by Malon's depressed mood. However, once enough beer and wine had been passed around, the party started nonetheless. The carpenters began to sing and dance while the Gerudos began a drinking contest. Small fist-fights soon emerged as everyone got more and more drunk.

Throughout this chaos, Yuna soon noticed that Malon had snuck out from the party. Deciding it was more productive to look for Malon rather than to watch the carpenters flirt hopelessly with the Gerudos, Yuna walked out of the room and proceeded outside. By this time, night had fallen and thousands of stars adorned the sky. Yuna paid no attention to the majestic view and started her search for Malon. After traversing through the fortress for a bit, she heard someone humming a very familiar tune up in what could've been constituted as the fortress's rooftops. Curious, Yuna wandered around until she came out to the said rooftop. There she found Malon lying on her back while humming Epona's Song. Her eyes were lost in thought as she stared out at the star-lit sky. Yuna decided it was about time someone interrupted this peaceful moment.

"What are you doing up here?"

Malon barely twitched at the surprise interruption but Yuna could've sworn that she saw a spark of blue electricity arc across Malon's hand. With a sigh, Malon sat up and turned to face Yuna.

"What do you want?"

"Nothing. I was just wondering what you were up to. I was expecting to see you crying or something though. That would've been fun to tease you with."

Much to Yuna's surprise, Malon gave a tiny smile at that remark.

"Cry? What do I look like, a five year-old kid? I swear, you're worse than Ruto sometimes."

"Hey! I resent that! I'm way more skilled at insulting people than that overgrown fishstick!"

That finally made Malon let out a small laugh. Yuna couldn't help but give a smile as well.

"So. Is that the only reason you came here for? To see if I was crying or not?"

"Yep."

"Oh, come on. I know you were worried about me and all that."

"I wouldn't give a care about you even if you were the last person left on this planet."

"That's nice."

Malon looked up at the stars and began to sing Epona's Song again. Even to the cold-hearted Yuna, the song brought about a sense of tranquility and peace. After listening to the song for a while, Yuna shook her head to bring herself back from the daze that the song had put her in.

"What the was that? Did you just hypnotize me with that song?"

"No. The song has the power to calm any animal that hears it. My mother taught it to me when I was a little girl. It's one of the few things she left behind for me before..."

"Yeah, yeah. I know. But why are you singing it right now? You do realize just how weird it is for someone to be singing out loud at night?"

"I don't care if it's weird. I used to do this every night at the ranch anyways."

"What for?"

"I'm always hoping that my mother can hear this song, wherever she may be. I just want to let her know that I'm doing fine and that I miss her.

"Aw. That's so sweet. Now, move over so I can barf."

True to her word, Yuna rushed to the edge of the roof and vomited out everything in her stomach. One unlucky Gerudo who just happened to be walking below was hit by the projectile.

"Oops. Sorry!"

The Gerudo simply flipped Yuna off before leaving to wash off the mess.

"Okay. Back to what we were talking about. So you miss your mom. Big whoop. I've got friends who are dead as well and you don't see me singing about it every night."

Malon turned to look at Yuna with a very skeptical look.

"You? Friends?"

"Yes, I actually had friends. Whoop-de-doo. Let's all have cake to celebrate."

"Well, I'm sorry about you're friends. Let me guess. McDonalds? Burger King? Outback Steakhouse?"

"Say something like that again and I'll trample you for real."

Malon gave an small smile at that.

"By the time you got close enough to trample me, you'd probably be a large piece of roasted steak."

"Is that a challenge?"

"Maybe. If you're feeling up to it."

Yuna just gave an amused snort and shook her head.

"Your resemblance to her is uncanny. Heh. Wonder what they would all say if they saw me now?"

Malon was about to inquire about Yuna's mysterious comment but thought better of it. Instead, she stood up and dusted off her dress.

"Come on. We'll miss the entire party if we don't hurry."

"Huh? Oh, sure. Whatever."

And so, the two began to slowly walk back towards the dining room. However, as they got closer to their destination, Malon began to look rather worried.

"Moo. What's the matter now?"

"I hope my moodiness didn't spoil the party for everyone else."

"You don't have to worry about that. The alcohol livened up the party just after you left."

"Well, what I'm really worried about are those carpenters. I don't think the Gerudos will tolerate any inappropriate actions from them just because they're drunk."

"Too late for that. The last I saw of them, the head carpenter was totally wasted and the rest were hitting on the Gerudos with really bad pick-up lines."

"Then it looks like we'll be seeing those carpenters in prison cells by the time we get back."

"Yup. And I get the feeling that the Gerudos are going to keep them in there for a long, long time."

"Why does it feel like we just had a hand in establishing another plot point for OoT?"

"Possibly because we just did. Anyways, hurry up. I don't want the cake to be a lie by the time we get back to the party."

xxx
Hyrule Field...

"You called?"

Once again, the assassin had his communicator out. He was currently talking with the thin, shadowy figure from before. However, the figure looked even more nervous than the last time the two had talked.

"I just wanted to see if that teleporter beam I used on you worked."

"It worked. Unfortunately, it's still a bit of a walk to Gerudo Valley. It's a pity your teleporter isn't all that accurate or you could've just sent me there directly. Anyways, what did you really call for?"

"It's about the job I gave you. I think my superiors know about it."

"If that's true, how are you even talking to me right now?"

"I think they're waiting to see how things turn out. If you complete your mission, there's still a chance that they'll spare me."

"So now, your life depends on whether or not I complete the job. Well, you're in luck. There's no way that I'll fail a mission."

"Yeah, but can you please hurry it up? My bosses aren't exactly known for their patience."

"As soon as this kidnapping business is over, you can consider your job done within a month."

"I hope I'm still alive by then. I..."

The shadowy figure was silenced when something metallic looking suddenly popped out of the ground next to the assassin. Upon closer inspection, one could see that the object was actually the robot Dodongo's tail piece from before. The assassin swiftly grabbed the item and pressed a button. The tail piece morphed into a small screen where a detailed analysis of the battle between Malon and the robot was displayed.

"Interesting. I must really thank you for sending me that robot."

"Don't mention it. What does the readout say?"

"That I was right to be wary of this girl. She utterly decimated your robot."

"Destroyed? How? That robot was built with the strongest metal found on this side of the galaxy!"

"Well, the fact stands that the girl destroyed it. Hmm. So she uses Naruto powers along with her superhuman strength. This might be troublesome."

"Naruto? Well, you're in luck too. It just so happens that I can transfer over some of my powers to help you nullify any and all Naruto related attacks."

"Huh. Didn't know you could do that."

"Being with the organization has given me access to lots of new powers. For example, did you know that I can now make ominous music play from out of nowhere as my theme song?"

"So that's where this music's coming from. Turn it off for now. It's getting on my nerves."

"Sure. Does the data say anything else?"

"The robot managed to spy on the girl for a little bit. It seems she's heading for a place called the Desert Colossus. Any chance your teleporter can send me over there?"

"Hold on. … Yeah, I can. You might end up a few miles off from this Desert Colossus place but it's still better than walking."

"Good. Send me over right now. I'll wait for her arrival and then ambush her. It seems this job is finally coming to an end."

"Be careful, though. Even without the Naruto powers, she still has her super strength."

"A minor annoyance. She'll be out cold before she can get anywhere near me."

"Fine. Just remember to continue on with the assignment I gave you as soon as possible."

"Of course. In the meantime, I'd find a nice little hole to hide in if I were you. I've worked for your bosses before and they're not the sort of people that you want to see when they're angry."

With that ominous final message, the assassin turned off the communicator. As soon as he knew his employer wasn't listening, he gave a malicious smile.

"If I know you're bosses, they're going to kill you no matter what the outcome of my mission is. Heh. I'm rather curious as to what method they'll use to exterminate you. Wish I could be there to watch."

With those words, the assassin was teleported out. No trace of his existence was left behind except for the shadows of his sinister laughter.