Sorry about not updating any sooner. Writing this chapter was harder than I thought. I actually had to rewrite this thing at least five times before I deemed it readable. And even after all of that, I'm still a bit worried about the quality of this chapter. Oh, well. I guess that's for all of you to decide.
This is officially the longest chapter that I've written yet so you might want to make yourselves comfortable before reading all of this. I suggest getting some popcorn and soda for the ride.
Oh, and I'll give out an imaginary Fi action figure to anyone that can guess who the leader of Organization VII is. After this chapter, all of you should be able to get it. Speaking of which, try to keep the action figure away from Wii remotes with low batteries. You know what Fi likes to do when that happens...
By the way, I found a really good parody called "The Legend of Zelda: Square One" by XietyDiety. If you like well-written parodies, you should really check this one out.
Okay, let's finally get to the long awaited ending to the Termina series...
Malon's Epic Cow Delivery
Ch 17: What Happens In Termina... Pt. 2
"MOO! GREAT GOING, FARMER GIRL! YOU'VE JUST DESTROYED THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE AS WE KNOW IT!"
As she yelled this, Yuna was blown back hundreds of feet by the hurricane-force winds that were being generated by the rip in the space-time continuum. Off to the side, Malon was busy holding onto a nearby tree to prevent herself from being blown away as well.
"I'M SORRY!" Malon yelled out desperately to no one in particular. "I DIDN'T KNOW THAT SOMETHING LIKE THIS WOULD HAPPEN!"
Yuna tried to make a scathing reply but she was stopped short by a large piece of shrubbery that flew right into her face. As Malon watched in horror, the gigantic tear in the fabric of reality widened, revealing an empty white void on the other side. Unfortunately, she didn't have much time to stare at this apocalyptic phenomenon as the force of the wind doubled, causing her to lose her grip and be sent flying away like a piece of lint in front of an industrial-power fan.
"WHY?" Cremia was heard yelling as she clung onto the side of the barn. "WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?"
"I'LL TELL YOU WHY!" Yuna shouted out after shaking off the shrub on her face. "FARMER GIRL DECIDED TO IGNORE ALL MY WARNINGS AND COME HERE EVEN AFTER I SPECIFICALLY TOLD HER THAT MEETING YOU WOULD CAUSE THE END OF THE ENTIRE KNOWN UNIVERSE!"
"YOU NEVER SAID ANYTHING LIKE THAT!" Malon disputed as she managed to grab onto another tree, preventing herself from being blown all the way to the ends of Termina itself.
"YES, I DID!" Yuna angrily yelled back. "I TOLD YOU ONLY THIRTY MINUTES AGO! WEREN'T YOU PAYING ANY ATTENTION?"
xxx
30 minutes earlier…
"I'm telling you, this is a really bad idea," Yuna warned Malon as the two of them headed towards Milk Road. "Meeting your alternate self is the number-one thing you're not supposed to do when it comes to interdimensional travel."
"I don't see anything wrong with just saying hi to my alternate self." Malon told her companion. "After all, it's not like I'm meeting my past self and rewriting the future or anything."
Yuna gave a large sigh before responding.
"You just don't get it, do you? Meeting your alternate self is like putting matter and antimatter together."
"And what happens when you do that?"
"Same thing that happens when you mix Coca-Cola and Pepsi together: the end of the entire universe as we know it."
Unfortunately, Malon didn't manage to catch that last part as her attention was diverted to the large boulder blocking the path. A man who looked identical to one of the carpenters in Hyrule was busy chipping away at the huge rock with a large pickax. As Yuna watched, Malon casually walked up to the boulder, causing the carpenter-lookalike to put down his pickax and face the approaching farm girl.
"Sorry miss, but the road's closed," the construction worker told Malon. "It might take me another two days or so to break through this thing so why don't you come back then?"
Malon looked up at the man and gave him a big smile before responding. "Take cover before you get hurt by the debris."
"Umm… What are you talking about miss?" the worker asked in confusion.
"Go. Now."
Noticing the deadly seriousness in Malon's voice, the man quickly moved back a few hundred yards so that he was now standing next to Yuna. After checking to see that nobody was within the blast zone, Malon turned to face the boulder in front of her once more. After cracking her knuckles, Malon casually poked the giant rock with her right index finger.
The effect was instantaneous. The once mighty boulder was blown to smithereens upon contact. Shards of the great, earthen mass exploded into the sky as the remaining dust settled to the ground. Luckily for Yuna and the construction worker, most of these rocky shards flew above them, allowing them to avoid any serious harm. On the other hand, a few greedy ranchers living close by weren't so lucky.
xxx
The Gorman Track…
"Three cheers for a job well done!" the older Gorman brothers shouted out before taking a drink from the bottle of milk in his hand. "With our boulder stopping Cremia from making any more deliveries, we'll finally be able to monopolize Termina's milk business! With that, we'll be able to really rake in the dough!"
"And the best part is, there's nothing that stupid farm girl can do to stop us!" the younger Gorman brother replied with a smug smile on his face. "I don't see how anything could possibly go wrong!"
As if to answer his question, the remnants of Malon's latest act of destruction came raining down upon them like a downpour of hail. That is, if hail was made up of boulder pieces that were as large as watermelons. Needless to say, the overall experience was most painful.
xxx
Entrance to Romani Ranch…
"So we're finally here," Yuna declared unenthusiastically. "Look, I know you're probably not going to listen to me but I'm still going to tell you one final time that meeting your alternate self is the most idiotic thing you could possibly do."
"Don't be so melodramatic," Malon replied, paying absolutely no heed to Yuna's warning. "Besides, these people need our help. It says in the guidebook that the younger sister of my alternate self is going to be kidnapped by aliens unless we do something."
"Great. Aliens. Why not just add in a crystal skull to complete the deal?" Yuna muttered while rolling her eyes.
Yuna's complaint was ignored as Malon noticed a familiar-looking person standing next to a bunch of cows.
"Hey, that must be my alternate self!" Malon declared as she got a better view of her lookalike. "I better go over and say hi!"
"I'm telling you, this is a really bad idea!" Yuna desperately called out as Malon began running towards her clone. Realizing that there was no going back now, Yuna just gave a large sigh and prepared for the worst.
Luckily for the world, Cremia was currently facing the other way and had her back to the strange visitors. Of course, all of this changed once Malon tapped her on the shoulder and said her greetings.
"Hi!" Malon said in a cheerful voice. "You must be Cremia of Romani Ranch, right?"
"Oh, a visitor!" Cremia said as she turned around. "Yes, I'm…"
Cremia was unable to say anything else as she got her first look at her alternate self. The moment the two farm girls saw each other's faces, time seemed to come to a halt. All the noise in the world seemed to disappear as the two girls continued to stare at each other.
"You're… me?" Cremia finally managed to say after what seemed like an eternity of silence.
"Not really," Malon replied with a smile. "I'm actually you from a different dimension. My name's Mal…"
And with that, the universe tore itself apart.
xxx
The Mushroom Kingdom, a few hours prior to the apocalypse mentioned above…
"I don't get why you don't want me to inform the Nintendo High Council about any of this," Din said as she glared across the table at Master Chief. "If Organization VII really is on the move again, we'll need all the help we can get."
Din and Master Chief were currently sitting in a secluded booth at a local diner. After showing Din the video feed regarding the organization's leader, Master Chief had chosen to move their secret meeting to a more comfortable location.
"The answer's simple," the Spartan warrior explained with his arms crossed. "If you alert the NHC about Organization VII, they'll panic and begin preparations for war. If that happens, the Microsoft Board of Directors will falsely suspect that Nintendo's planning to invade Microsoft and prepare for war themselves. All Organization VII has to do then would be to secretly push our armies into battle and simply watch as our two universes kill each other off."
According to the increased intensity of Din's glare, Master Chief guessed that the goddess grudgingly agreed with him. However, Din quickly realized that there was a flaw in what Master Chief had just said.
"Hold on a second. Why can't you just tell the other Microsoft executives about Organization VII as well? Then we can avoid that misunderstanding you just theorized."
Master Chief simply shook his head and gave a large sigh before responding.
"Sadly, most of my co-workers simply think of Organization VII as a by-gone relic from the past. None of them would be willing to believe me that they're back again."
"But you have all this evidence about the organization's existence! Couldn't you just show them that video recording you showed me?"
"They'll say I forged it. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if the Fable division pegs me for betraying Microsoft to Nintendo. They'll accuse me of treason and say that I'm trying to divert the company's attention to a false threat so that Nintendo could easily take over during that time."
"Some friends you've got," Din muttered in a dark undertone.
"Well, the Fable division was never on good terms with my franchise," Master Chief explained. "Thinks we're 'hogging the stage', as they put it."
With that, the two rivals grew silent. Eventually, Master Chief decided to ask something that had been bothering him for quite some time.
"Hey. Aren't you going to do something about Marluxia? I don't know how strong your daughter is, but Marluxia's one of the organization's top assassins. If things go badly, we'll end up with a hostage situation."
"I already assigned someone to look after Malon," Din said with a casual wave of her hand. "Unless the leader himself decides to appear, Malon will be perfectly safe."
"I see. I'm genuinely glad to hear that."
"Yeah, right," Din muttered before grabbing her cup of coffee and taking a drink.
Master Chief was about to say something in response but was cut off when the waitress appeared with a sandwich platter in hand.
"You're the one who ordered the ham sandwiches, right?" the waitress asked.
Master Chief simply nodded in response. As the waitress put down the sandwiches in front of him and walked off, Din gave the Microsoft executive a strange look.
"What?" Master Chief asked once he noticed Din's expression. "I get hungry too, you know."
"How are you going to… actually, never mind. I don't think I want to know."
"Okay…"
With that, Master Chief reached out to grab one of his ham sandwiches.
"You know, you still haven't told me why you're helping me," Din suddenly said. "After all, I seriously doubt that you're offering your help simply because you care for the welfare of Nintendo."
Master Chief gave a sigh and put down the sandwich he had just picked up before offering an explanation.
"As they say in the StarCraft universe: 'The only allies are enemies.' I figured giving you all this info would allow you to devise some kind of countermeasure against the organization's plans. That way, Nintendo can take care of the problem before Microsoft gets dragged into the fray as well."
"Typical. You just want us to handle all the dirty work while you and your friends watch from a safe distance," Din said in a scathing tone.
"Hey, at least we're not the ones planning to invade you," Master Chief responded with a shrug. "Besides, it's pretty obvious Organization VII is going to target Nintendo first. If I didn't give you all of this info, you guys might have been wiped out in the initial attack. At least now you know what to prepare for."
"And what exactly are we up against?" Din asked. "You told me the entire organization is up and running but is Sony backing them up like last time?"
"No. At least, not all of them," Master Chief answered. "The situation there is… complicated, to say the least. You see, Organization VII has already won over the loyalty of most of the Sony Empire but there are still pockets of resistance from the main sectors, namely the Metal Gear division. As a result, the entire universe is currently caught up in a massive civil war between those loyal to the organization and those that want to keep their independence."
"If what you're telling me is true, how come Nintendo hasn't caught wind of any of this?"
"Organization VII is smarter than you think. Remember that trade conflict in the LittleBigPlanet sector that Sony reported a month ago? That was actually a cover-up story for Snake's attempt to liberate that area. With all of Sony's media under the organization's control, it really isn't that surprising that your spies haven't found anything wrong. "
For the first time in years, Din actually began to look worried.
"It's like the Era of Strife all over again," she managed say in a whisper.
"Actually, it's a lot worse," Master Chief stated in a nonchalant way. "You forgot to take into account the leader's fangirls."
"What about them? They can't really do much with the fourth wall separating them from the video game universe."
"Er… about that. The fourth wall around the Nintendo universe has been weakening for quite some time now. It won't be very long before there's a hole big enough for all of those fangirls to cross over without anybody noticing."
"What? How did this happen?" Din exclaimed.
"As ironic as it may seem, your daughter's the one responsible for this. From what I can gather, she seems to have spoken with one of the authors on numerous occasions."
Din remained silent for a while as she tried to get over her shock.
"Is… is there any way to fix the fourth wall?"
"Not really. You see, once the fourth wall's been broken by someone, it automatically begins to repair itself. Unfortunately, it would take years for the wall to completely fix the amount of damage your daughter has done to it. By that time, the fangirls will have already come and gone."
An eerie silence settled upon the two of them as Master Chief finished his explanation. Din tried her best to hide her fear but she still couldn't stop her hands from shaking. Even to the fiercest goddess in the entirety of Nintendo, the prospect of facing off against an army of rabid fangirls filled her heart with dread. Never in her whole life had she felt as helpless as she did now.
"Hey, no need to look so terrified," Master Chief told Din in a reassuring manner. "After all, I wouldn't have bothered to come all the way out here if everything had seemed hopeless."
"Then… you have some kind of plan?" Din asked.
"Of course."
As he said this, the Microsoft executive summoned a large brown envelope to his hand from out of thin air and slid it over to the goddess.
"These papers contain the locations of Organization VII's major strongholds," Master Chief said in response to Din's confused look. "I don't care how you do it but try to get Nintendo to fortify the borders around those areas. That way, you'll be at least somewhat prepared for the initial attack. Also, once you've successfully repelled their invading army, you can then focus your offensive on these areas. As for the fangirls… well, we'll just have to wait and see what happens. I don't see any point in worrying about something that we can't do anything about."
"What about you?" Din asked as she opened the envelope and began looking through the numerous papers. "What are you going to do during all of this?"
"As I've told you before, I can't really do much without the other Microsoft executives getting suspicious. However, I can at least update you on the organization's activities from time to time. Also, I can take care of all the sleeper agents that the organization's planted throughout Nintendo's worlds."
"That's uncharacteristically generous of you," Din commented as she peered up from one of the maps she was inspecting.
"Think of it as repayment for that time when you accidentally saved me from that rampaging Wobbuffet. Heh. Those were some crazy times."
"Yes, they were," Din agreed as she went back to looking at the maps.
"Anyways, I'll be taking my leave for now," Master Chief said as he got up from his seat. "I'll contact you personally if I find any interesting developments."
Just as he was about to take his first step, Master Chief remembered something important that he had forgotten to say and turned back around.
"Oh, right. One of my sources told me that there's a former Organization VII member living somewhere within the Legend of Zelda world. I don't have any further details regarding this subject but if you can somehow find this person, they might be able to provide us with some valuable information."
Hearing this, Din looked up from her papers to stare at Master Chief in surprise.
"How is this possible?" she asked, disbelief etched in her voice. "There were never any reports during the Era of Strife about an organization member defecting from its ranks. After all, doesn't the organization make it a policy to kill any and all traitors?"
"Like I said, I don't have any further information about who this person is."
"Then how am I supposed to find him?"
Master Chief gave an amused laugh before starting to walk off once again.
"There are some questions that you just have to answer for yourself," he called out as he walked out the door.
As the sound of Master Chief's footsteps faded, Din noticed that the platter of ham sandwiches was now empty.
xxx
Back at apocalypse central (A.K.A. Romani Ranch)…
"HOW LONG IS THE WORLD GOING TO END FOR?" Malon shouted out, more bored than terrified now. "IT SEEMS LIKE THAT RIP IN THE SPACE-TIME CONTINUUM HASN'T CHANGED AT ALL IN THE LAST HOUR OR SO!"
"HOW SHOULD I KNOW?" Yuna angrily yelled. "END OF THE WORLD PHENOMENOMS ISN'T EXACTLY MY FORTE!"
And so the three of them continued to wait. Just when Malon began to wonder if she would have to hang onto a tree for the rest of her life, the tear in reality suddenly… disappeared. Yep. As simply as that, the rip in the space-time continuum vanished. One moment it was threatening to consume all of reality, the next it was nowhere to be seen.
As the fierce winds died down, Malon, Yuna, and Cremia slowly got to their feet with similar looks of confusion on their faces.
"What… just happened?" Malon finally managed to ask.
"Moo! I honestly have no idea…"
Before they could ask any more questions, a mysterious voice suddenly yelled out from the distance.
"KOOLOO-LIMPAH! FREE AT LAST!"
Hearing this, the three protagonists immediately turned their gazes to where the shout had come from. As they looked, they saw that an oddly-shaped figure was standing in the exact location where the tear in reality had been. As Malon, Cremia, and Yuna continued to stare, the stranger realized that he was being watched and began to slowly make his way towards them. As he got closer, Malon could see that the stranger was actually a grown man dressed in very disturbing green tights. Before Malon could make any further observations, however, Yuna gave a sudden 'moo!' as she realized who the strange man was.
"Oh, no," Yuna muttered as she started backing away. "This is definitely not good."
"You know this guy?" Malon asked in confusion.
"Moo! Of course I know him! You're looking at the scourge of the entire Legend of Zelda series: the dreaded Tingle!"
When Malon and Cremia continued to stare at Yuna with a blank look on their face, Yuna gave a sigh before offering a more detailed explanation.
"A few years ago, Nintendo had the bright idea of creating an alternate version of Link to bump up their sales. I'll never understand what was going through their heads at the time but they began an extensive operation called Project Tingle to create this alternate hero. Unfortunately, something went wrong during the developmental phase and the experiment went rogue. After escaping from the lab that he was created in, the experiment (now labeled as Tingle) found out about his original counterpart and grew jealous of all the fame that Link was getting. Eventually, this led him to make a line of cheesy spin-off games in order to destroy the Zelda franchise and ultimately bring down Link's popularity. Luckily, he only managed to release his games into an area in the author's realm known as Japan before the great Miyamoto himself intervened and sealed Tingle away into the gap between dimensions."
Even after hearing this lengthy explanation, Malon and Cremia still had confused looks on their faces. After giving an exasperated sigh, Yuna gave a very simple summary of what she had just said so that the two farm girls could actually understand her.
"Man... in... green... tights... is... evil... and... wants... to... destroy... the... world," Yuna said, emphasizing each and every word.
"Ohhhh," Malon and Cremia both said in unison. "Now it makes sense."
"Ugh. It's like being around that bimbo again," Yuna muttered to herself. "Anyways, it seems Tingle was able to escape from his prison using the rip in the space-time continuum that you two created. I strongly suggest that you get rid of him before he runs off and creates some new trouble."
"Sure thing," Malon replied before running off to intercept the approaching monstrosity.
"Umm... should I do something as well?" Cremia asked.
"Nah," Yuna told her. "I think one farmer girl can handle this well enough."
Just as Yuna said this, Malon got within striking distance of Tingle.
"Tingle, Tingle, Kooloo-Limpah! The Zelda fandom shall belong to me! Bow down before..."
"Malon Kick!"
With that, the abomination known as Tingle was sent flying to parts unknown.
As Malon walked back to her companions to celebrate her easily won victory, the door to Cremia's house suddenly opened. As the three heroes turned to watch, a very sleepy-eyed Romani walked out with a questioning look on her face.
"What did Romani miss?"
xxx
Divine Realm...
"I can't believe you! I leave this place for a few days and the paperwork's stacked up to the ceiling! And we don't even have a ceiling!" Farore raged at an uncaring Nayru.
"Blah, blah, blah. Seriously, you need to learn how to chill," Nayru drawled as she continued watching House on her Levias-sized plasma TV. "Besides, I already took care of most of my paperwork. Din's the one that didn't do any anything."
"Don't make excuses! I know that you went to watch that stupid baseball game! You could've finished at least half of that stack if you had worked instead!"
Nayru got a surprised look on her face when she heard this.
"How did you know about the baseball game? Weren't you in a full-body cast this whole time?"
"I saw you on TV waving around that stupid 'Marry Me Vaati!' banner during the award ceremony," Farore replied with her arms crossed.
"Oh. Heh heh. You actually saw that?" Nayru replied with an embarrassed look.
"Look, I don't care about your stupid crush on that eyeball monster freak but..."
"You take that back! Vaati's not some eyeball monster freak! He's the eyeball monster freak!"
"Yeah, whatever. The point is..."
"Oh, I almost forgot. You still have to give Malon her birthday present. She's probably somewhere in the Lost Woods right now so..."
"I don't care! Just take care of that damn paperwork right now!"
"Meh. Maybe later," Nayru told her sister as she turned her attention back to the TV.
Farore lost it then and incinerated the TV with her laser beam eyes. Needless to say, another godly cat fight ensued shortly afterwards.
xxx
Romani Ranch…
All three of the farm girls were currently seated around the main table inside Cremia's house while Yuna was off to the side sitting on a large pile of hay that was next to the door. At the moment, Malon was busy retelling her adventure to her alternate selves while Yuna added in the occasional sarcastic comment. For the sake of Cremia and Romani's sanity, Malon had decided to omit the crazier parts of her journey during her retelling. Even so, the overall tale was still a very strange one.
"… and that's why we're here to save Romani from the aliens," Malon finished explaining.
Cremia could only stare at Malon with an open mouth as the lengthy narrative ended. Meanwhile, Romani was busy running around her sister yelling, "See? Romani was telling the truth! The ghosts are real!"
Seeing Romani's reaction, Yuna couldn't help but roll her eyes.
"We just told a tale that defies every ounce of logic in the world and the only thing that mini farmer girl can think about are the aliens," Yuna commented while shaking her head.
Meanwhile, Cremia stayed silent as she tried to make sense of everything that Malon had told her. After a lengthy silence broken only by Romani's increasingly annoying shouts, Cremia finally nodded in understanding.
"After everything I've seen today, I'm willing to believe that you're telling me the truth."
"Great!" Malon immediately replied with a bright smile. "Now that we have that out of the way, we can finally figure out how to stop those aliens from stealing your cows!"
"Speaking of cows, weren't they all sent flying away during our little Armageddon?" Yuna asked in a bored tone as she started inspecting one of her hooves.
A few seconds of awkward silence passed before Malon and Cremia both got to their feet at the same time.
"Oh, crap!"
xxx
A few hours later…
It was close to midnight by the time Malon and Cremia finally managed to get the last cow back into the barn.
"Whew! That was a lot of work!" Cremia commented as she closed the barn door. "I thought we'd never find the last one!"
"No kidding," Malon replied with a tired laugh. "Who would've thought that it was sitting on top of the moon this whole time?"
"Yeah. It's a good thing you jumped up there to check. You know, it's a pity the cows in Termina aren't as smart as the ones you have back in your dimension. If they were, they could've just found their own way back home."
"Well, at least you don't have to deal with the sarcastic ones like Yuna either. She's a good person… er, cow… but she has a tendency to throw an insult at you every ten minutes or so. If half of what she said was true, I'd probably be a one-celled amoeba eating dirt all day."
The two of them gave a laugh at this. With their arduous job done, Malon and Cremia made their way into the house to get some rest. As soon as they entered, however, they found Romani waiting for them with her bow and arrow in hand.
"Finally! Romani was up this whole time waiting for you two!"
Cremia's look of surprise immediately changed to a stern frown as she stared down at her younger sister.
"Romani, what are you doing up this late? You should be in bed right now."
"Duh! Romani was preparing to stop Them, of course!"
Hearing this, Cremia and Malon both face-palmed as they realized that they had completely forgotten about the impending alien invasion.
"Looks like somebody has short-term memory loss," Yuna muttered as she made her way towards them from her hay pile. "So, what are we going to do now?"
After thinking for a few minutes, Malon suddenly snapped her fingers as an idea popped into her head.
"I got it! We'll just call in the Ghostbusters! I remember seeing an ad for them inside the guidebook Yuna found!"
"Moo! And how are we going to call them? We don't even have a phone!"
"Just leave that to me," Malon said as she turned to exit the building. "The guidebook also said something about a Great Fairy living inside Clock Town. I'll just go and ask if I can borrow her phone."
With that, Malon quickly ran off into the night.
"Wait a second," Yuna suddenly said as she remembered something. "You don't even know how to use a phone!"
Unfortunately, the farm girl was already past the entrance to Romani Ranch by then.
xxx
After another few hours, Malon returned looking rather put down.
"Well?" Yuna asked. "What happened?"
"I forgot that I didn't know how to use a phone so I had to ask the Great Fairy to call for me," Malon said in a slightly embarrassed tone. "Anyways, she managed to call the Ghostbusters but they said they were busy battling some giant marshmallow man tonight."
"Great," Yuna said in her usual sarcastic way. "So what do we do now?"
Everyone remained silent as they tried in vain to think of an answer to her question.
"Okay, how about this?" Malon finally said after a few minutes. "I'll allow myself to be captured by the aliens when they try to take the cows. After that, I'll just hijack their spaceship and bring the cows back here. That way, you won't have to worry about any future invasions from Them as well."
Cremia immediately shook her head at the proposition.
"It's too risky. I know you're trying to help us and all but you're putting yourself in too much danger with that plan. After all, didn't you say that the aliens wiped their victim's memory after capturing them?"
"Yeah, but I'm sure I can take down those aliens before they remove my brain or anything," Malon replied confidently. "Look, I've faced a lot worse than aliens before so just let me take care of this, alright?"
Cremia still looked rather uncertain but eventually nodded after seeing the confident look on Malon's face.
"Just promise me that you'll get back here safely," Cremia told her alternate self in a worried voice. "I don't want you to get hurt while trying to help us."
"No need to sound so worried," Malon replied with a smile. "I'll be back before you can say…"
"Aliens!"
Malon and Cremia both turned to see Yuna staring out at the horde of approaching aliens that had suddenly appeared all over the ranch.
"Looks like it's time to kick ass and chew bubblegum," Malon said as she began cracking her knuckles. "And I'm all out of bubblegum."
"Moo! You don't even know what bubblegum is!"
"Yeah, but it sounds cool," Malon called out as she headed out to the barn.
As Cremia and Yuna watched, the aliens slowly made their way to the barn and proceeded to use some kind of tractor beam to pull the cows and Malon up to their ship. As she was being dragged up, Malon gave another smile to her two friends before disappearing into the bright light of the alien spacecraft. With their abduction complete, the aliens flew off, leaving no trace of their existence behind.
As Yuna and Cremia continued to stare out at the now-empty night sky, a sleepy voice sounded from behind them.
"What did Romani miss?"
xxx
The following day…
Yuna wandered around the wide expanse of Romani Ranch as she waited impatiently for Malon to return. It was already close to noon and there was still no sign of the alien-abducted farmer girl. Even though she didn't want to admit it, Yuna was beginning to grow a little worried about her companion.
"Damn it. What's taking her so long?" Yuna muttered to herself as she walked past the Cucco Shack for the third time that day.
Off in the distance, Yuna could see Cremia and Romani trying to fix the giant hole that the aliens had left on the barn roof. As Yuna watched the two sisters working and laughing together, she couldn't help but feel a bit lonely. Being isolated like this, Yuna finally realized just how much she had gotten used to Malon's company. Sure, she tended to get on Yuna's nerves every now and then but there was no mistaking the fact that Malon had always been there for her throughout their entire journey. As her mind wandered to such thoughts, Yuna suddenly remembered her meeting with the mysterious shopkeeper the other day.
Don't let anything happen to Malon, alright? I know it's hard for you to accept, but she really does think of you as a friend.
At the memory of the shopkeeper's words, Yuna couldn't help but wonder if sending Malon off to deal with the aliens had been a good idea after all.
"No need to worry. Malon's on her way back here right now."
Yuna gave a loud "moo!" in surprise as she found the shopkeeper standing right next to her.
"Holy cow! What the hell are you doing here?" Yuna blurted out, not noticing the bad pun she had just made.
"Why else? I'm here because I felt like it," the shopkeeper replied in his usual cryptic manner. "Also, someone had to fix that giant rip in the space-time continuum that you and your friends created."
"That was you?" Yuna asked in surprise. "You're the one who stopped that doomsday vortex?"
"Obviously."
Now that Yuna had gotten over her shock, she began inspecting the enigmatic stranger in front of her. The first thing Yuna noticed was his rather ridiculous looking fedora. In her opinion, she thought it looked like something you would see in a bad 1980s gangster movie. Either way, it covered most of the shopkeeper's face just like the last time she had seen him, revealing only his faint smile underneath. She also noticed that he was wearing a pair of tan-colored trousers along with a black, long-sleeved shirt underneath his dark-green cloak. However, the thing that caught her attention the most was the gigantic book that he carried in his left hand. It was almost as big as a baby Goron but the shopkeeper didn't seem to have any trouble holding it up. The most defining feature about it, however, was the power that it seemed to radiate. Even from the distance separating them, Yuna could still feel the immense magical energy flowing out of the book.
"It seems you've got quite an interest in my spell tome," the shopkeeper suddenly said as if reading Yuna's mind. "I can tell you that getting my hands on this thing was quite an ordeal indeed."
Yuna quickly took her eyes off the giant book as she faced the shopkeeper with a suspicious glare.
"Who are you?" Yuna asked in a distrustful voice. "And how do you know so much about farmer girl?"
The shopkeeper merely laughed at her question before turning his head and gazing out at the wide field that lay before him.
"You know, I've always liked this area the best in the entire Legend of Zelda world," he commented as he continued to gaze out at the ranch. "Don't know why, but I always did feel at home whenever I was here."
"Moo! I don't care about your preferred vacationing sites! Just tell me where you got all your information from!"
The shopkeeper stayed silent as he continued to stare out at the open field. Yuna couldn't tell exactly where he was looking at due to his hat but she guessed that he was staring at Cremia and Romani who were still up on the barn.
"Look at how happy they are," he suddenly commented in a sad voice. "They really have no idea of the storm that's brewing on the horizon. Then again, I suppose I'm the only one that knows about that."
By now, Yuna was beginning to wonder if there was something mentally wrong with the shopkeeper. Once again, however, he seemed to know exactly what she was thinking.
"Don't worry," the shopkeeper told her with another laugh. "I'm not crazy. I'm just thinking aloud, that's all."
"Then answer my question! Who are you and what do you want?"
"Where would be the fun in telling you all of that?" the shopkeeper told her with a smile. "Besides, I've got something much more interesting to tell you. It's something that I'm sure you'll find quite intriguing."
"And what would that be?"
The shopkeeper slowly turned around and faced her with a rather serious expression.
"A prophecy of the direst nature," the shopkeeper said, all traces of his cheeriness suddenly gone. "Listen closely, for what I am about to say may alter the course of fate itself. There will come a time when Malon's life will be in your hands. When this day comes forward, I want you to ask yourself whether or not you truly consider Malon to be your friend. The answer you choose will not only affect Malon but also the fate of the entire video game universe as well."
"Moo! What kind of lame prophecy is that? If the entire video game universe is on the line, why wouldn't I choose to save farmer girl?"
"That's something you'll have to find out for yourself," the shopkeeper said, his smile returning. "Besides, the future's not set in stone. It might be possible that you'll never even be faced with this choice at all."
"Then what's the point of telling me all of this? Just who do you think you are?"
"I told you because I wanted to," the shopkeeper told her as he started opening his enormous book. "As for your other question, I like to think of myself as a rogue agent who wants to protect a world that he's grown to love even if it means defying the higher order."
Before Yuna could say anything, a large U.F.O. suddenly appeared in the sky and began to make its way towards the ranch.
"It seems Malon's a few minutes early," the shopkeeper stated as a bunch of strange runes floated out from his open book and began surrounding him. "Pity. I was rather enjoying our little conversation."
"Hey! Where do you think you're going?" Yuna called out as the runes around the shopkeeper started glowing. "You can't just leave after filling my head with all your prophecy crap! I demand an explanation!"
"Sorry, but our time is up," he called out as his form started disappearing. "Perhaps another time…"
With that, the shopkeeper vanished as if he had never existed.
xxx
After landing the giant flying saucer in the middle of the ranch, Malon came out looking as bright as ever with all of Cremia's cows following behind her. Cremia and Romani immediately ran forward and hugged their alternate self while Yuna trailed along behind, still shaken up by her encounter with her mysterious acquaintance.
"What took you so long?" Romani asked as she finally let Malon go. "Romani was worried about you!"
"Sorry about being late. It just took me a while to figure out how to pilot the ship," Malon told her friends with a smile. "Besides, there was never any need for worry. I eradicated all of the aliens within five minutes of my abduction. Speaking of which, you might not want to go into the spaceship right now. There's still a lot of… alien goop… in there."
After exchanging a few more casual remarks, Malon and Cremia went on to herd the cows into the newly repaired barn. Once their job was done, all four of them went into the house and sat around the table to ask Malon about what had happened to her during her abduction.
"There really isn't much to tell," Malon replied. "I managed to talk to a few of the crew members before I started wiping out the aliens but aside from that it was a rather boring trip. Of course, I did also destroy the Death Star and saw the U.S.S. Enterprise on the way here and but that's a tale for another time."
Cremia eventually broke the awkward silence that had formed.
"So…Did you figure out why they wanted our cows in the first place?" she asked.
Malon nodded before offering an explanation. "The crew members told me that they were actually a group of scientists who were studying animal life forms on different planets. It just so happened that your cows were the best specimen in the whole world so they needed a few for further observations."
"What? If that's true, couldn't they have just asked us to borrow a few cows instead of trying to steal them every year?" Cremia asked.
"I asked them that as well. From what they told me, it seems that they tried to ask you for a few cows when they first came here three years ago. Unfortunately, it seems your sister saw them first and shot at them in fear. After most of their scientists were turned into living pin cushions that day, they were forced to resort to more drastic measures to obtain their live samples."
Romani gave a shrug when everyone turned to face her.
"What? Romani didn't understand what they were saying. They kept making weird noises like 'paradigm' and 'Bos primigenius' as they got close to me."
"Umm… Romani? I'm pretty sure that paradigm means 'example' and I'm guessing that other long word they said is the scientific name for cows," Malon explained.
"Oh. Then maybe Romani shouldn't have stabbed that alien with a pitchfork."
"…"
"Anyways," Malon continued, "it seems the aliens were going to return the cows after they had finished observing them. Also, it turns out that the only reason for their memory wiping routine was to make sure people didn't go around talking about aliens and made themselves look crazy. Of course, the patient's personality would've been altered for a few days due to the memory wiping procedure but they assured me that the effect was only temporary and would've worn off in a few weeks."
"Then why did you have to slaughter those poor things?" Cremia asked in a horrified voice. "If they weren't stealing the cows or trying to harm you, why did you have to kill them?"
"Their method of wiping a person's memory involved forcing the victim to watch all of those terrible Twilight movies."
"Okay, never mind. They deserved to die."
Just as another awkward silence was about to fall on the group, a loud knock was heard at the door.
"I wonder who that can be?" Cremia wondered aloud as she got up. "We normally don't get visitors at this time of the day."
As soon as she opened the door, a very familiar mask salesman greeted her.
"How do you do, Ms. Cremia?" the Happy Mask Salesman said with a slight bow. "If you don't mind, I'd like to have a word with the two trouble-makers that are in your house right now."
Before Cremia could say anything, Malon got up to confront the strange man.
"You wanted to see me?" Malon asked with a hint of guilt in her voice.
The HMS gave an exasperated sigh before answering.
"Even after I specifically told you to not come here, you still saw fit to meet your alternate self and nearly cause the end of the world. Well, I guess it all worked out in the end. After all, it was thanks to your little mishap that I was finally able to defeat Minora."
"Really? How did you defeat her?"
"I managed to throw a Chain Chomp at her when she turned to look at the rip in the space-time continuum," the Happy Mask Salesman answered with his trademark smile. "Let's just say that there isn't much left of her now."
"Er…"
"Anyways, I spent the remainder of my time finishing up all the side-quests you failed to complete. I have to say, you left me quite a handful of tasks to finish."
"Hey, you're the one who said the side-quests were optional!" Malon countered. "Besides, at least I managed to complete that freakishly long Anju/Kafei side-quest for you!"
"That you did. I have to say though, I'm surprised you managed to complete that particular side-quest without a proper guidebook."
"Actually…"
"Well, no matter," the mask salesman said with a wave of his hand. "The important thing now is getting you and your cow back to Hyrule. If you wish to say good-bye to your alternate selves, I suggest you do it now."
"What? We're leaving already?" Malon asked in surprise. "Can't we just stay a day longer?"
"Absolutely not. Termina is already a weird enough place without you and your cow messing things up as well."
With that, the Happy Mask Salesman walked off to give Malon time to say her farewells.
"Do you really have to go?" Romani asked as Malon turned to face them with a forlorn look on her face. "Can't you stay just a little longer?"
"It seems I can't," Malon said with a sigh. "I…"
Before she could say anything else, Romani ran up and hugged her.
"Romani's going to miss you. You helped Romani and big sister a lot."
After getting over her surprise at the sudden embrace, Malon gave a smile before returning Romani's hug.
"I'll miss you too Romani."
After the two of them finally let each other go, Malon turned to face Cremia.
"Here," Malon said as she pulled out a small sack of orange rupees from her item pouch and handed it to her alternate self. "I read in the guidebook that you were having some financial trouble. I'm sure this should be enough to solve that problem."
Cremia was at a loss for words as she stared at all the money in her hands.
"I… I can't take this," she said as she tried to hand the money back to Malon. "There's got to be at least a thousand rupees in here. I couldn't possibly…"
"Just take it," Malon replied as she pushed away the rupees. "Running an entire ranch by yourself isn't an easy thing to do. You need this money more than I do."
"Still…"
"Besides," Malon cut in with a smile, "I can always clear out another Redead infestation if I need some quick cash."
Cremia couldn't help but smile a bit when she heard this.
"I suppose you can," she finally managed to say. "I know this is hardly an adequate repayment but thank you. Thank you for all the help you've given me and my sister. You have our eternal gratitude."
"Your thanks is all I need," Malon said as she started walking out the door. "As for the gratitude, you should crystalize it and give it to a demon who wants to become a human."
"Umm… okay. I'll be sure to do that."
Malon gave her alternate selves one final wave before walking out the door. Yuna proceeded to follow her out but stopped and turned around just before exiting.
"Thanks for that soup you made me yesterday," Yuna told Cremia. "It was nice to have a proper meal for once."
"The pleasure was all mine," she replied with a smile.
"As for you," Yuna said as she faced Romani. "Keep practicing with your bow. You never know when another group of aliens might appear."
"Will do!" Romani answered as she gave Yuna a salute.
Yuna nodded in acknowledgement before leaving the two sisters. As she stepped outside, she found Malon and the Happy Mask Salesman waiting for her.
"Are the two of you ready to leave now?" the HMS asked.
"I'm good," Yuna replied.
Malon remained silent as she looked at the wide expanse of Romani Ranch one more time.
"Do you think I'll ever see this place again?" she asked in a sad voice.
Much to her surprise, the Happy Mask Salesman gave a small laugh when he heard this. Before she could ask what was so funny, he gave her a wide smile and offered her some words of wisdom.
"Whenever there is a meeting, a parting is sure to follow. However, that parting need not last forever… Whether a parting be forever or merely for a short time… That is up to you."
Malon became silent again as she took in the mask salesman's words.
"You really believe that?" she finally managed to ask.
"As much as I believe that Ghirahim is Orochimaru in disguise," the HMS answered. When Malon continued to stare at him with a confused look, he quickly rephrased his statement so that she could understand him. "I'm sure you'll see Cremia and Romani again real soon."
Malon gave a smile of her own when she heard this.
"Moo! So are we leaving yet or not?"
With a look of renewed determination on her face, Malon gave a nod as she faced onwards to the future that lay in front of her.
"Let's go," she told her companion. "It's about time we finished up our own story."
The Happy Mask Salesman's smile seemed to brighten when he heard Malon's response. Just as he snapped his fingers and teleported the three of them out of Termina, Malon managed to catch a glimpse of the now moon-less sky. She smiled as she disappeared, knowing in her heart that she would one day see this place again.
And thus, the adventure continued...
xxx
Hyrule, one thousand years later…
"Great," a random man muttered as he stared out at the newly formed ocean before him. "The goddesses really did answer our prayers and flooded the place. You know, when the sages asked them to wash away the evil walking this land, I'm pretty sure they didn't mean it literally."
"And now we're stranded on a bunch of mountaintops," the person next to him added. "I really don't see how things could get any worse."
As soon as he said this, a small, green object came hurtling out of the sky and landed right in front of the two.
"Kooloo-limpah! I'm back!"