Brittany breaks eye contact with me momentarily to look around the table and greet everyone.
I have no idea what to do. I mean what do you do in this type of situations? Should I pretend like I don't know her? Would she follow along? Or should I ask her how she's been this past four years. That would mean having to explain to everyone how we know each other. No way am I telling the story of how she dumped me to people I just met.
When she looks at me again, I quickly offer her my hand. "Santana."
She seems confused but after a moment shakes my hand anyway. "Nice to meet you."
Her touch makes my hand twitch and I quickly pull it away from her. She squeezes into the booth taking a sit next to Jax.
"I love your boots," he comments.
Brittany flashes him a grin. "Thank you." She glances at me and I immediately look the other way.
When we finally get our food everyone eats in a comfortable silence. I think they were so hungry that no one is really interested in talking. I had been just as hungry as them until I saw Brittany standing no more than three feet from me. I would of just ordered another glass of water if it wouldn't have earned me some questions.
I feel Brittany's eyes on me and it makes me extremely nervous, not to mention self-conscious. I constantly wipe my mouth with my napkin and make sure I don't drop any food on myself.
After we finish lunch, we stay to have a few more drinks. I find out Brittany is also living in Los Angeles and is working at a dance studio.
"Hey, you okay?" Adam asks as he rubs my back. I flick my eyes up at Brittany, who is watching us with curiosity. "You've been kind of quite. Which isn't very like you," he chuckles.
I smile at him. "Yeah I'm fine. I think this weather and the drive wore me out a little bit."
"What do you think guys? Should we head back to the motel and rest before we go out tonight?" He asks.
The group agrees. We all split the check and walk back to the motel. As we walk back up the street, I make sure I stay close to Jax and Adam. I would hate to get awkwardly caught near Brittany.
When we regroup at the Love Shack, we agree to meet in the parking lot at eight and I avoid Brittany's stare one last time before I follow Jax and Adam down to our room.
"What's up with you?" Adam wonders as he takes his shirt off and tosses it over a chair. He really enjoys being shirtless.
"Nothing?"
"You were acting weird at the diner."
"Was I?"
Jax collapses on one of the beds. "Yes you were. And you couldn't keep your eyes off of Brittany. I only know because I thought you were looking at me but after I winked at you a few times and you didn't react, I realized you were staring at her."
Adam laughs.
"I wasn't staring at her."
"Yes you were," Jax continues. "Do you like, have a little crush on her?"
I sit on my bed and let my upper body fall back on to the mattress. "Do you guys remember back in college, I told you about the girl I had been with through out high school?"
"The 'love of your life?'" Adam says jokingly as he looks at himself in the mirror.
"Oh my god!" Jax props himself on his elbows. "She's that Brittany?"
I don't respond and instead hide my face in the crook of my elbow.
"Santana?" Adam questions my name in a serious tone.
"Yeah. That's her."
"No fucking way!" Jax jumps off the bed and comes sits next to me. "Why did you pretend you didn't know her?"
"I don't know. I panicked. I didn't want to tell everyone who she is...or was."
"Do you want to go home? We can leave if you want." Adam offers.
"No." I say, sitting up. "No, I don't want to ruin the weekend. It's fine."
"Are you sure?" Jax places a comforting hand on my shoulder. I love these guys. I really do.
"Yeah, totally. I don't hold anything against her. I'll just talk to her. It'll be fine."
"You know Santana, maybe this was meant to be."
Adam rolls his eyes. "Oh please Jax! Don't start with that."
"Adam, shush! It's been what? Almost five years since you guys saw each other? Don't you think it's crazy that you guys ended up in the same place? Maybe you're meant to be together one way or another."
"It is crazy," I say. "But I don't believe in that 'meant to be' stuff. I like to think I make my own fate. If life is already planned for us then what's the point of living."
"Exactly," Adam agrees.
"Plus, it doesn't change the fact that she dumped me. What's done is done."
Jax sighs in resignation.
We spend the rest of the afternoon in our room. The AC feels great in here and it makes me not want to ever go back outside, that and other… reasons.
"Hey guys, I think I'm going to stay in."
Adam turns to look at me from his bed. "Because of Brittany?"
I scoff. "Of course not. I just don't feel like going out there. It feels great in here. Why would I want to go to some hot sweaty club in the middle of the desert?"
Adam doesn't answer, which is his way of saying 'whatever'.
Once they leave, I turn on the T.V. but I'm not really watching. I'm lying on my bed thinking about how I'm going to make it through this weekend. What I told the guys earlier is true. I don't hold any resentment towards Brittany. I did for a while but I had to get over it. I realized it was going to be really unhealthy if I hated her for the rest of my life, which is kind of impossible anyway. I could never hate her. I've changed and grown since high school. I'm not a completely different person but I do see some things differently now and I've learned to let go.
One of the things that haven'tchanged is the way Brittany makes me feel. You'd think after all these years, seeing her wouldn't affect me but it does. On second thought, it's actually stupid to think it wouldn't affect me. Of course it would. We have history together, an amazing loving history for the most part. She gave me feelings that no one else has giving me ever since and she still does. When she looks at me my heart speeds up and I feel like a stupid nervous middle school kid. She hasn't even really talked to me and I'm about ready to have a heart attack.
I won't, in a million years, admit this to anyone but it's obvious I still love her. I have to be honest with myself and admit that I never stopped loving her and never will. She was it for me. Even if I end up falling in love with another woman, part of my heart will always be reserved for her and that makes me a little angry. I wish I could give myself completely to someone and be happy. But I will never be truly happy. Not with out her.
My head spins with thoughts until I fall asleep. When I wake up the next morning, Jax and Adam are eating breakfast on their bed.
"This dump has room-service?" I ask as I rub the sleep from my eyes.
Adam shakes his head. "I wish. We got this from the diner. We got you a fruit salad." He hands me a small plastic box.
"Thanks. How was last night?"
"It was so fun! You totally missed out," Jax says before biting off a piece of bacon.
"That's not what she really wants to know." Adam smirks. "She asked where you were."
"Who?" I try to sound oblivious.
"C'mon Santana. I know you better than that."
I roll my eyes. "What did you tell her?"
"I told her you didn't want to come out from your ice box room because you can't take seeing her pretty little face."
"What?" I snap into a sitting position.
"I'm kidding. I told her the truth, that you weren't up for it… that is the truth isn't it?"
I nod. "Yeah, it is."
When they finish breakfast, we go down to some lake that's just a few blocks away. This time there is no way I could get out of going, so I change into my bikini and throw some shorts and a tank top over it.
When we get to the lake Brittany and the rest of the group are already there so I keep busy by helping Jax detach the Jet Ski from his truck.
It's not long before I feel a light tap on my shoulder and turn to see Brittany smiling softly at me. "Hi."
"Oh, hey," I say. My palms begin to instantly sweat and I drop the huge screw I'm holding. "Shit," I whisper as I bend to pick it up.
Brittany watches me with amusement. "Need any help?"
I look back at Jax who's smiling knowingly as he finishes unloading the Jet Ski. "Looks like we're good."
"How have you been?" she asks.
"Um…good. Great." I nod. "Yeah. You?"
I wish she'd stop smiling. She's looking at me like she used to when she thought I was doing something cute and it's making me really nervous.
"I've been good. I heard you graduated top of your class. Congrats."
"Thanks." I feel heat creeping up my cheeks and the stupid weather isn't helping. "Who told you?"
"Adam."
"Of course."
"He's really nice. His boyfriend too."
I look over my shoulder at Jax but he's gone. That idiot left us alone. What a friend. "Yeah they're both amazing."
"So are you gonna take a ride on this thing?" She points at the Jet Ski.
"Maybe later," I say. There's an awkward silence and I search my brain for anything to break it with. "I'm sorry I acted like I didn't know you." I wish I hadn't said that. If she hadn't brought it up yet then I should of left it that way. I really don't want to get into any type of discussion about us with her. All I want to do is try to have some fun with my friends and go home.
The tiny smile on her face fades and she looks at me with sad eyes, like she had forgotten about it until now. "Oh, that's okay."
"I was just really surprised to see you and I didn't want everyone asking questions about us," I say trying to explain myself.
"Yeah, I understand. Don't worry about it."
"Santana! Brittany!" Adam waves us over from a picnic table before we can get further into the topic.
When we reach him, I notice he's unloading food and drinks from a cooler.
"When did you get all this?"
"This morning while your Sleeping Beauty ass was passed out."
Brittany chuckles and my cheeks go from feeling warm to sizzling.
"Go ahead and grab whatever you'd like, ladies," he offers.
I grab a sandwich and a beer and quickly head off towards Jax leaving Brittany behind.
As the day goes on, Brittany keeps her distance. I think she got the hint earlier when I ditched her by the picnic table and even though I feel bad about it I'm thankful she hasn't tried to talk to me again. The sun is starting to die down but lying here under its last rays feels so soothing that I don't want to get up. I didn't go swimming, but I did tan all day and I'm pretty damn happy with it. It's times like this that I am extra thankful for my dark skin because the sun was crazy hot and anyone with light skin would be as red as a tomato right now, which is practically everyone here except for Jax. I chance a look over at Brittany who is lying flat on her back on a towel a few feet behind me. She has her sunglasses on and her body still looks like that of a damn goddess. Her right leg is slightly bent and makes it look like she's posing for some sexy magazine photo shoot. Her skin seems to be turning a little red and I know she forgot to put on sun block. I really want to tell her something because I know she will get a really bad sunburn and her skin is going to hurt for days but it's too late anyway. She's been out in the sun way too long already.
"Hey, Santana?" Jax walks up to me sporting a perfect tan just like mine. "Do you want to take the Jet Ski for a ride before I pull it out of the water?"
I think about it for a moment. Jet skiing is really fun but the last time I got on one I fell off the stupid thing and it had been really embarrassing, not to mention painful. I would hate to make a fool out of myself in front of people I barely know and most importantly Brittany.
"I'll pass."
"No you won't!" Adam yells as he walks out from the lake with his beautiful light tan. He isn't red or overly burnt like the rest of them because he buys this weird expensive sun block that he found during a trip to Italy. "We're not dragging it out until you get your turn."
"Adam," I start.
"I'll get on with you, if you want," Brittany says in a voice that is barely audible.
I know I told Brittany the story of when I fell off the Jet Ski back in high school and knowing her she still remembers it.
"See? You don't have to go on alone. Don't be scared," Adam teases.
"I'm not scared, you idiot."
"Climb on then." He grabs me by the hand and pulls me towards the water.
I notice Brittany walking towards us and before she gets close enough to hear I whisper, "Adam I don't want to get on with her. Can you climb on with me?"
"No, that's rude," is all he says before he slides a life vest on me and hands one to Brittany as she reaches us. "Have you ever been on one of these Brittany?"
She shakes her head no.
"Okay, you should let Santana ride in front then. Well it's not like you'll be any safer, she fell off the last time she drove one but I think she likes to lead."
I feel like punching Adam on his big fucking nose until I turn to look at Brittany who's giving me a reassuring smile. My face softens and I look away before I start to blush like I've been doing lately.
When we finish fastening our vests, I climb on the Jet Ski followed by Brittany.
"You'll want to hold on tight Brittany," Adam says suppressing a laugh.
I glare at him and turn the ignition key. The Jet Ski roars with life and I feel Brittany's long arms snake around my waist. I get the chills, suddenly becoming extremely aware of everything around me. I can smell her damp hair and feel pressure on my back as she leans into me just a little to secure her grip around me. As I drive us away from the shore, she grips me tighter and I feel like I'm going to pass out. Not because she's squeezing the air out of me but because having her this close to me again feels asphyxiating. I secure my legs against the Jet Ski and make a sharp turn, which causes Brittany to squeal and hide her face between my shoulder and neck. It makes me smile, so I do it again, earning another adorable squeal.
"Hold on!" I yell over the sound of the water splashing beneath us.
I feel her nod against my neck and I start to pick up speed. She lets out a loud yell mixed with a laugh right by my ear. If it had been anyone else I would of pushed them off into the cold water for yelling in my ear but I find it awfully cute when Brittany does it. I laugh along with her and make a few more fancy turns before I get us back to shore. Jax and Adam are waiting for us with huge grins.
"Fun right?" Adam asks Brittany.
"Yeah! That was super fun!" She says hopping off. "You're a great driver San."
I feel my heart flutter at the sound of my nickname.
"Yeah. Who knew, San," Adam jokes.
On our way back to the motel, we pick up some cheeseburgers and decide to eat them in the motel's parking lot. Jax opens the back of his truck and I hop on, taking a sit next to him. I'm so focused on how incredibly delicious the burger is that I don't notice Brittany is standing two feet in front of me, eating her burger as she watches me enjoy my own. "It's good, huh?"
I look up and see her chewing with a smile.
"Mhm," I mumble.
She shimmies her butt on to the truck next to me but doesn't speak again. From the corner of my eye, I watch as she swings her legs back and forth. She's really enjoying her burger. I can tell because whenever she eats something she really likes she wiggles like a child. She moves her head from side to side, swings her legs, or even does this cute little dance with her shoulders. I hide a smile and return my attention to my food.
When we all finish eating, we call it a night and go back to our rooms. We will be leaving early morning tomorrow because Adam has some stupid architect convention he needs to get to.
It's almost 11 p.m. and I can't sleep. As good as that burger was, it's doing stuff to my stomach and making it do weird noises. I grab my laptop off the coffee table and sneak out the room. This place is an oven during the day but right now it's as fresh as it can get. I grab some ice from the ice dispenser and pop it in my mouth before I sit down on the little bench next to it. I still have to finish editing the songs Steve assigned me so I get to work.
Twenty minutes pass and I'm getting a lot of it done. The stillness out here relaxes me and allows me to really concentrate on my work. I can't wait until Steve gives me some real valuable work though.
Brittany steps out from her room and pauses when she sees me.
I smile. "Hi."
"Hey." She returns the smile and proceeds to scoop some ice from the ice dispenser.
"Are you girls making drinks in there and not inviting the rest of us?" I joke.
"I wish. All we have is that nasty tap water." She squeezes next to me on the bench and looks down at my laptop. "What are you doing?"
I shrug. "Editing some songs for my boss."
"Your boss Steve?
"How did-" I pause. "Adam told you."
She smiles and nods. "Are you almost done?"
"Yeah. Almost."
Brittany stares at the ice inside her cup. I know she's thinking twice about saying what she's about to say.
"I didn't tell you earlier, but you look really great," she says keeping her eyes on her cup.
I turn to look at her, taken aback. "Thanks. You too. You look great too."
There's a short silence before she speaks up again.
"I had a lot of fun on the Jet Ski."
"Me too."
"You're a great driver. I don't understand how you fell off when you went on vacation with your parents."
My lips twitch into a smile. I knew she remembered.
"Neither do I. I mean, like you said, I'm an excellent driver."
"I said great."
"No, I'm pretty sure you said excellent."
She chuckles and doesn't try correcting me again.
I take a moment to examine her face and notice she's a shade redder than before.
"You're going to be pealing by tomorrow afternoon."
"What?"
"Your skin," I say, pointing at the skin her tank top is exposing.
She looks down at herself and winces. "I know. I forgot to put on sun block."
That used to be my job. I was the one who had to remind her about the sun block.
"You look like a little pink shrimp." A shy smile spreads across her face. "Well maybe more like a little red crab."
She suddenly looks up and locks eyes with me. I flinch and I wonder if the crab comment bothered her.
"I really missed you," she says in a whisper.
I want to smile at that but the way she said it and the way she's looking at me makes it seem like this might head into a serious conversation and I don't want to go there.
My eyes move back to my computer screen before I say, "Your ice is going to melt."
Brittany lets out a sad sigh. "Yeah." She stands up and switches the ice for a fresher scoop. "I'll see you tomorrow?"
I nod. "Good night."
"Night, San."