Chapter 18

No Winners

6:45 pm Friday September 7

She moves without thinking, eyes stuck on him despite all the familiar faces surrounding her. Of course he's here. She should have expected it. Her life can never just be simple. Nothing can ever work out, and whatever she puts into the universe comes back to hit her ten times as hard. She should have been nicer to him, probably, she should have have been clearer, she doesn't know how she could have made it anymore obvious, and she certainly shouldn't have told him about the wedding. He's good at memorization, and the invitation had been taped to her refrigerator for months.

He sees her coming just as she collides into his right side, shoving him towards the edge of the tent, "What are you doing here?" She's so angry she could scream. Could physically harm him, her hands balled into fists, her face flushed. He allows himself to be pushed and she shoves him into the dark, out under the stars a dozen feet from the party.

Logan notices her movement almost immediately over Dick's shoulder, sees her confront a guy he doesn't recognize. He moves to follow her like a reflex, a million possibilities invading his brain all at once. Veronica and strange guys don't have the best track record. Mac gets in his way, her eyes pleading, "Just give her a second Logan."

A moment later Dick finally catches sight of the scene. As soon as he zeroes in on the guy his eyes bulge. "Oh shit," falls out of his mouth before he can stop it. Logan sidesteps Mac.

"Veronica just hear me out," Jackson murmurs, reaching forward to grasp at her shoulders. Veronica stumbles back like she's been burned, blinking up at him like he's a stranger.

"You need to leave," she hisses back, wrapping her arms around herself like she's cold even though the night air is still clogged with humidity, "just leave Jackson please."

"I can't leave without you," he insists. She thinks he might have been drinking. He stumbles slightly as he moves towards her again. She takes another step back to compensate and he winces, "I can't, you're lost and I'm trying to help you. New York is you're home-"

She will not start to cry. She won't. "This is my home Jackson," she says it too loud, almost screaming, before adding quietly, "California. Neptune. I used to be lost, don't you get it? This is where I've always belonged."

"You mean you've always belonged with him right?" Jackson replies quickly, the hard line of his clenched jaw daring her to tell him different.

She blinks, shaking her head, her tone taking on the patented 'Veronica Mar's is smarter then you' inflection, "That's not the point of any of this."

"Sure it is Veronica," he retorts, because he knows better, he finally does, "he's what it's always come down to for you. You think I never saw your box with all his pictures and his ring? You try to come off as this badass chick that's above it all, and you had me fooled for such a long time. I just didn't understand the way you operated. I thought you loved me. But there are only a hand full of people that you let mean anything to you, and I wasn't one of them." A gust of wind picks up as he watches her, rumpling his shaggy brown hair. He is a handsome man, even in his wrinkled suit and with a few days worth of stubble. She doesn't know how she can look at him now, the man she'd lived with and worked with for years, and feel nothing but pity.

"I couldn't care less what you think of me," she whispers, looking him in the eye, "So please just save it."

"I'm trying to tell you," he pleads, "it didn't work out before, it's not going to this time. I understand the miscarriage would fuck you up. That it would make you feel like you had some sort of obligation-"

It's only then that she hates him. It's instantaneous and gone a heartbeat later, but she feels it so overwhelming she interrupts, "You have no idea what I feel." She'd made a mistake with Jackson, one of so many. She'd hadn't cared enough to be guarded. She'd been as emotionally vulnerable as her bleeding head wound when he'd found her in that building. And now he thought he knew her.

"It doesn't make you connected Veronica, the baby doesn't justify you throwing away your life, it doesn't make you meant to be-" Jackson doesn't finish, because in a blur of speed and fury he and Logan are on the ground. Keith follows only a few footsteps behind, along with Wallace and Dick. Veronica's paralyzed, watching as her two ex boyfriends wrestle each other on the ground. Logan's on top, and Jackson's eye is black and his nose is bleeding. So much for Logan's healing knuckles.

The boys manage to pull the men apart, with Keith screaming for someone to tell him what the hell is going. Dick says something about trespassing, closing ranks on the outsider immediately. Keith makes a call on his cellphone. Veronica doesn't hear any of it. Not a word, because now Logan is looking at her as he tries to catch his breath. She wants to ask him what he heard, but she knows, she can see it in his eyes. That look that tells her he's barely holding it together, that he's feeling that perfect combination of betrayal and heartbreak that only she is capable of inducing. She opens her mouth but he shakes his head and takes off down the lawn.

She glances at Wallace, whose watching her like he always does in these situations, half protective and half disappointed. He rolls his eyes, motioning after the retreating shape of Logan's back. A second later Veronica is chasing after him.

7:00 pm Friday September 7

She catches up to him in the parking lot, she doesn't call his name but he turns anyway. He's not going to yell, it's much worse then that, he's quiet with that damp look in his eyes, "I didn't hold out too much hope for myself Veronica. I actually had none at all. I had you, but we both knew college wasn't going well, that I had no idea where I was headed. And then there was this thing, the last thing I ever wanted, the last thing I ever expected. And I know you thought it's because I wanted to be better then him. That I could do it over and be better, but that's not it. I didn't hold out much hope for myself Veronica but once I started, I couldn't stop. Because I'm good at it, and I'm not good at much," she remember, days ago, when she asked him that question, the thing about being an actor. She should have asked years ago but she'd been afraid. She is always afraid.

"I get these ideas in my head," Logan continues, "You. You're always the idea in my head, and no matter how hard I try I can never get you out. But I can't keep doing this, I can't. It's too hard."

"I was going to tell you," she answers, her voice soft but her chin jutting out.

"Before we kissed?" he asks, shoving his hands in his pockets, "Before we had sex? Before you told me you loved me?"

"After the wedding," she replies, and it's not a lie. That had been the plan, the thing she promised herself as she fell asleep next to him.

"You always do have great excuses," he points out with a nod.

"It's not an excuse. It's the truth," but it's a lie too. Just a little bit. She might never have told him, if only to escape this look in his eyes.

"What do either of us know about truth?" he questions and he's not looking at her anymore because she's crying. She can't help it, he continues, though just barely, "We're liars Veronica. We hurt people, especially each other. And I keep thinking it'll be different, but it never is. We're not different, and we're going to end the same as always."

"Logan-" she tries, but he's not done.

"Was it just because you were sad?" he muses, blinking back to her. And she can see, under the light of the stars that he's doing his best actor face. The one she hates because she can't read a single emotion on it. He's only used it a few times on her, "The only reason we got together in the first place was because of my mom and Lily. And now you lost a baby and we end up together again."

"You know that's not why," she shakes her head, "You know I love-"

"Stop," he winces, "We made a life together. And you didn't even fucking call. Not once." It takes her breath away, those words and the way he says them.

"I didn't know," she insists, and that is the truth, "I didn't know until it was already gone. We've gone through so much, together and apart, I didn't want to add this to the list."

"How did it happen?" he asks suddenly.

Her jaw clenches and she shakes her head, "You don't want to know. I promise."

It's the wrong answer and he snorts, "Yeah but that's the point Veronica. You don't get to decide. I asked, you tell me the truth. That's what you would expect of me isn't it? That's what you expect of everyone else but yourself right?"

"Logan, trust me," she begins again.

"I don't," he spits back, "You demand honesty from everyone around you, you hold us all under a microscope and just wait for us to fail, but when it comes to yourself you can always figure out a way to twist it around." He pauses, shaking his head, "When are you going to figure out that it wasn't me you were trying to protect?"

She opens her mouth, but it takes her too long and he's heading towards his car again. "Logan don't leave," she finally calls, "not because of this."

He turns toward her a final time, his expression still blank, his finger drumming against the hood of the car, "I'll see you at the wedding Mars."

7:20 pm Friday September 7

By the time she forces herself back towards the tent her father is ducking Jackson's head into a police car and people are starting to leave. She couldn't hate herself more. Mac, whose been waiting for her anxiously at the edge of the tent, meets her halfway down the lawn. Veronica braces herself for screaming and tears, but instead Mac doesn't speak, she just wraps Veronica tight in a hug, "I'm so sorry that happened to you sweetie."

"I wanted to tell you," Veronica whisper's into her friend's shoulder. Another truth, it's going to become her policy. Only the truth from now on, of course after it's much too late.

"I knew something was wrong," Mac replies, squeezing Veronica's arm, "You didn't have to say a word." They stand there for a long time, until Veronica can pull away without shaking. "Dick went after him," Mac adds, "Don't worry."

Veronica nods, but her head is already miles away. Wallace is approaching, looking weary. She doesn't give him time to speak though, as soon as he's close enough to hear she calls, "I need to borrow your keys."

8:30 pm Friday September 7

Logan is one tough man to find. But that's probably because Dick goes to their favorite bar and beach before thinking to check Logan's house. His best friend is sitting in the sand sipping some brown alcohol from the bottle. His jacket is by the stairs and his shoes and socks are discarded at random intervals along the stone path.

Dick takes a seat next to him without speaking. Eventually Logan asks, "Did you know?"

"Not all of it," Dick shakes his head, staring down at his hands. Fucking Veronica Mars, he can't even be mad, it's all too screwed up, "Mac's been worried for a year. I knew she was unhappy and I knew something big went down about a month ago. But I don't think even Mac knew it was that big."

"Veronica did though," Logan shakes his head, taking another gulp and wiping his mouth with the back of his hand, "And she didn't say a fucking word."

Dick thinks about it for a little while before arguing, he doesn't know why but he can't stop himself, "I don't know man. She lost a baby. That's gotta be hard to say out loud to someone you love."

Logan turns his head, "You're seriously siding with Veronica on this one?"

Dick meets his gaze, "No dude, I side with you. Even for the stupid things. I'm just saying, you didn't tell her about that Jameson guy because you still loved her-"

"They're not the same," Logan interjects a little too boisterously.

"Not to you," Dick nods, "But to her, Logan the chick's already severely fucked up, she's lost a lot of shit in her life, and now there's a baby too. Your baby. And she didn't tell you even when you were being a total asshole to her. Even when you deserved it she didn't want to hurt you. And you didn't tell her about her mom and that reporter even though she deserved it."

Logan blinks, staring at Dick for a long time vacantly before shaking his head and turning back to the ocean. He finishes a fourth of the bottle before Dick can persuade him to head back to the hotel.

8:30 pm Friday September 7

Veronica stops at home and the drug store before she goes to the jail. She sits in the parking lot for a long time thinking her options over. She finally decides and hops out of Wallace's car. She'd changed at home, and is back in jeans and flats. An officer she doesn't recognize is at the front desk. He answers her questions, Jackson was arrested for harassment under Keith Mars orders. Deputy Leo is in the back filling out the paperwork now. Veronica nods and heads down the hall to deal with the deputy.

"Seriously?" Jackson questions as she approaches his cell with the keys, "I thought I'd be rotting in here overnight at least."

She hesitates at the bars, looking him over. She doesn't hate him, she can't. She just feels bad for all of them. And right now all she really wants is him gone so she can start to clean up the mess they'd just created, "They're releasing you on the condition that you leave the county immediately."

Jackson nods, shrugging back into his suit jacket, his eye and nose have been cleaned up by someone, "No surprises there, and nothing to keep me here anyway I guess. You never told me your dad was the Sheriff."

"I didn't tell you a lot of things," Veronica replies, putting the keys into the lock, "And you're right, I didn't love you. Not the way you deserved. But I didn't mean to hurt you. I honestly never do. I'm just," she hesitates, she doesn't even have the words to describe herself in this moment, "You can't handle me Jackson. You don't get it. I'm sorry I fucked with your head."

She turns to head back down the hall to give Leo back his keys, she makes it halfway before Jackson calls, "I didn't know he was listening."

"I know," she verifies over her shoulder, "That's why I came to spring you." She takes another step before turning all the way around, "But just so we're clear, if I ever see you again I'm filing a restraining order and giving Logan your home address."

Jackson smiles, and it's only a little bitter, "I hope you find what you're looking for Veronica."

Veronica's smile is the same, with a little bit more confidence. She refuses to believe all is lost, "I always do."