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The last thing I remember is being told to count down from ten. I think I only got up to eight before I passed out.
Now a blurry Brittany is standing in front of me and next to the Dentist. She's bent down just a bit and is saying something, but all I'm doing is laughing because of how her breath feels on my face.
"You're tickling me," I mumble.
She smiles wide and turns her attention to the Dentist. He speaks for a moment and Brittany listens and nods intently.
Her hair looks so pretty. It's down and wavy and it looks lighter than usual. She's wearing a light blue jacket which brings out the color in her eyes even more. She looks so, so beautiful. I want to tell her that.
I reach for her hand but miss. She turns to me and grings. "Hang on, honey."
I slouch back onto the chair and wait for her to finish talking. I'm starting to feel like a child, but I don't really care. I feel so good right now. I want to smile for no reason. I look up and try to count the dots on the ceiling, but they just won't stop moving.
Brittany slips her arm around my waist and helps me off the chair.
"I can walk," I protest. "I'm not drunk."
"I know," she says but doesn't let go.
She leads me out the Dentist's office and into the passenger seat of her car. As she buckles me in, I smell the scent of her perfume. It's the same one she wore in high school.
"You smell good. Really really really reeeeeeally good."
"Thanks, San," she says sweetly. After she makes sure all my limbs are tucked neatly into the car, she shuts the door and makes her way to the driver's seat.
I bring my hand up to my face and run my fingers over my mouth. "I can't feel my lipsah!"
"I know. It's because of the gas they gave you," Brittany explains.
"I don't think they're there Britt."
"They're there." She flips down the sun visor and slides the little mirror open. "See?"
I look at myself in the mirror. My lips are there, but I still can't feel them.
"But I can't feel them. They're invisible."
Brittany chuckles. "You're not making any sense." She turns the car on and begins driving us home.
My legs and arms are starting to tingle and I worry I'm being invaded by ants. "There's ants on me!" I slap my thighs over my jeans a few times in an attempt to get rid of them.
"Santana, stop it." Brittany catches my left wrist with her hand and holds it still. "There's nothing there, silly."
I sit still for a minute and close my eyes.
Brittany's hand is still on mine when she asks, "Are you okay?"
"Why didn't you come with me to the moon?"
"You haven't gone to the moon, sweetie. Not yet at least."
"I could have taken care of you, you know? We could have gotten a little moon house to live in and a moon friend for Lord Fatso."
"San..."
I finally open my eyes and turn to look at her. I can see her better now. "Why didn't you come with me?"
She lets go of my hand and grips the steering wheel instead.
"Britt?"
"San, lets just get you home okay?"
The rest of the ride to my apartment is quiet. I try to keep my eyes open because whenever I close them I see the passing trees and buildings going one-hundred times faster. Once we get home Brittany quickly comes to my aid.
"I can do it," I say. I get off the car and make it to the stairs before I trip on the first one and nearly fall flat on my face. Brittany catches me by my arm and waist, helping me into the elevator. I wiggle out of her grip and walk ahead once the elevator doors open. I lean against the wall as I wait for her to open the apartment door in silence. My mouth is starting to taste like metal so as soon as I make it inside, I go to the kitchen sink and spit out whatever is in there.
"You're not supposed to spit," Brittany says from the living room.
"Then what the hell am I supposed to do?"
She comes into the kitchen with a small plastic bag and pulls out a few gauzes. "Here. Give me the ones in your mouth."
"I have some in my mouth?" I stick my fingers in my mouth and pull out the little clothes at the far corners. "They're full of blood," I say more to myself than to Brittany.
"Mhm. Let's change them." She folds a few gauzes and hands me them one by one as I stuff them in my mouth. "Want to lay down?"
I nod and walk to my room. I was hoping to be left alone, but Brittany follows me. She makes sure she gets to my bed first and fixes a few pillows for me.
"Thank you," I mutter, the new gauzes making it difficult for me to speak.
I lay down and cross my hands over my stomach.
"You feel okay?" Brittany asks. "The Dentist said you will start feeling some pain in an hour or two, but he gave you some pain killers for it."
"Okay." The weight of my body is coming back little by little and my lips are beginning to get some feeling back too. I know this feeling of being high or drunk or whatever won't last long. I'm always braver when I'm drunk. And even though I'm not really under the influence of alcohol right now, I am a little drugged. And it's giving me the same feeling of 'I can do anything' that liquor gives me.
"Why didn't you go to Boston with me?" I managed to say with the gauzes still in my mouth.
Brittany avoids my gaze and picks at the loose ends of her favorite pillow. "I thought you didn't want to talk about this."
"I don't, but I'm kind of high right now so it's now or never."
She locks eyes with me and sucks her bottom lip into her mouth. "You already know why."
I pull the gauzes out from my mouth, ready to talk about this. "You know I never believed it. You wouldn't just stop loving me from one day to another for no reason."
"We should talk about this later. You need to keep those in your mouth," she says, pointing at the gauzes.
I make no move to put the clothes back in place.
She sighs. "I just...I needed to do what was best for you."
I squint. "What?"
"It was so difficult to make you understand that staying in Lima with me wasn't the best option. Your mom and I talked about it an-"
"Wait. My mom told you to break up with me?"
"What? No. We just talked and agreed Boston was your best option. She said it was up to me if I wanted to go with you or not. We both just wanted what was best for you."
"You guys don't get to choose what's best for me, Brittany."
"And we didn't. We just helped you realize it. You knew all along but needed some help admitting it to yourself."
"Okay...So if you got me to go to Boston why didn't you come with me? Why hurt me and try to make me believe you didn't feel the same about me anymore?"
"You have to understand I never meant to hurt you like that. I mean, I knew I would hurt you, but it was the only way you would go. You needed to concentrate on your goals. Your mom paid a lot of money for you to go to school and I didn't want you taking care of me all the time. You needed to worry about yourself. I would've just been a burden."
"Don't say that. You never were and never will be a burden. I had a plan remember? You could have finished school there. And I would have worked full-time while you graduated. I could have started school after that. And if we needed any money we could have used what my mom gave me or I could have taken out a loan." I know there's blood oozing out from my wounds because I can taste it, but I really want to get this out now. "We could have made it work, Britt."
She shakes her head. "Are you listening to yourself? All that you just said. I would have made it so much more difficult for you. Me not going meant you got to live in a dorm and not in some crappy apartment. You would go to school and not worry about finding a job or borrowing money. I couldn't do that to you, San."
My head is starting to spin and I don't know if it's because of Brittany or the surgery I just had.
"Are you okay?" She asks, concerned.
I cover my face with my hands and shake my head. "I don't feel good."
"Here," she says, handing me a few more gauzes. She waits until I push them in my mouth then leaves the room for a minute and comes back with a bottle of pills and a glass of water. "You should take these now."
I force the pills down and keep my eyes closed. I'm trying to think about what Brittany said but I can't focus. And the fact that she's next to me, watching me like a hawk, doesn't help.
As if she could read my mind, she speaks up and asks, "Do you want me to leave?"
"No. I- No, it's fine," I say, my eyes still closed.
I feel her move around until she lays her head on the pillow next to me. She's laying on her side, facing me, her hands tucked under her cheek. She keeps her distance, but I can still feel her light breathing on my face.
"I'm sorry," she whispers.
I guess she's apologizing for breaking my heart and letting me go to Boston alone, but I'm in so much distress that I can't even begin to be mad at her.
"It's okay," I breathe out.
We lay in silence. I pretend to fall asleep and chance a look at her after a few minutes. Her eyes are closed and her mouth is partly open, letting me know she is indeed asleep. I wait half an hour before I get up leave the room.
"So she broke your heart...to help you?" Jax asks, still somewhat confused.
I nod. "She meant well. And I guess I would have done the same thing if I were in her place but that doesn't change the fact that she shouldn't have made such a choice for the both of us." I sigh. "But it's in the past now. There's no point in dwelling on it. I can't change what happened."
"Santana," Adam begins. "Since we're talking about Brittany...Jax told me the real reason why she stayed here. I'm sorry I was so...I was an ass. Sorry."
"It's okay. You didn't know. But it'd be nice if you apologized to her."
He nods quietly. "I will. How is she feeling now?"
"She's better. She's back to work so she's getting her mind off it, but I can tell she still thinks about it a lot."
"Poor Brittany." Jax comments. "She's lucky you were here for her."
"I didn't really do much. I didn't know what to do, but I'm happy she came to me."
"Well, hey! Now that she's single and the whole break up thing was cleared up maybe you guys can try getting back together."
"I don't think so, Jax. I mean, she seemed to be was pretty happy with Liam before he became an asshole. She obviously moved on."
The front door opens and in comes Brittany, her pale skin glistening with a light coat of sweat. She slips her running shoes off by the door and looks up as she pulls her earbuds out from her ears.
"Oh! Hi, guys!" She makes her way over to the table and sets a brown paper bag in front of me. "I brought you something," she says, then greets Jax with a cheery kiss on the cheek before turning to Adam and giving him a timid smile and a hello.
"Hi. How was your run?" Adam asks in his friendliest tone.
He really is trying.
Brittany seems surprised by the question but happy to get more than a 'hey' from him.
"It was great!" she answers cheerfully. "And I got you soup, San."
"Oh, thanks." I open the bag and take out a small bowl. "Where is it from?"
"Um...I don't remember the name, but it's from a little chinese restaurant nearby."
I lift the lid and instantly turn my face away from it.
"Oh my god! That smells horrible!" Jax whines, hiding his nose under his t-shirt.
"Britt, what the hell is this? It looks like pig intestines! And it smells like it too." I put the lid back on and slide it away from me.
Brittany frowns. "But the lady at the restaurant said they were really soft. You need to eat soft foods."
Adam chuckles from behind his cup of coffee and Brittany's frown turns into a sad pout.
"It's really sweet of you to have gotten me this, but I don't think I can eat it, Britt."
"Okay...Well...I can make you some tomato soup?"
I shake my head. "No more soup. Not that your soups are bad or anything. I love your soups."
She smiles. "Then what you would you like?"
"I would like for you to sit down and take a breather. Jax here," I say, patting him on the back. "Is going to make me some delicious mashed potatoes. Aren't you, Jax?"
He rolls his eyes and gets up off the chair. "I suppose."
Brittany moves next to me and strokes my cheek with the back of her index finger. I freeze and dart my eyes between her and Adam, who is watching us with interest.
"Your cheeks didn't swell as much as I thought they would." She turns my face slightly with her knuckle and caress my other cheek the same way. "I wanted you to look like the cute little squirrels when they fill their mouths with nuts."
Adam snorts a laugh. "I don't think this little squirrel would eat nuts."
"Shut up, Adam!" I take Brittany's hand in mine and pull it away from my face.
"I don't get it." Brittany says innocently.
"Because Santana is gay. She wouldn't eat nuts." Adam explains, expecting this to be enough for Brittany to understand.
"...Oh! Yeah, I get it." Brittany forces a giggle and I know she didn't really get it. "Um...You're not bleeding anymore are you?"
"A little bit," I answer.
"Have you been poking at your sockets with your tongue again?"
"No."
She gives me a stern look.
"I haven't!"
"Did you rinse this morning?" She asks as she turns to leave for the bathroom.
"Yes."
"Okaaaay. You better not be lyingggg."
"I'm not, Brittany."
She walks away with a chuckle and I turn to see Adam shaking his head with a smirk. "What?" I ask.
"Nothing..."
That night, as I'm getting ready for bed, Brittany sneaks into the bathroom with me while I inspect the four new holes in my mouth through the mirror. She sits on the closed toilet seat in a pair of boy briefs and the turtle shirt my aunt gave me. "Nice shirt," I say.
She glances at the top then looks up at me and smiles from ear to ear. "I think so."
Her briefs are dangerously short and I'm trying really hard not to look. I guess she ditched the duck pajama pants since I last saw her.
I can't say that I miss them, but I really wish she would choose longer pajama bottoms, at least while she's staying with me. I would breathe a lot easier, but Brittany is Brittany. She has always been extremely comfortable with her body, which is understandable because who wouldn't be comfortable with their body when you look like that.
"Do they hurt?" She asks, interrupting my train of thought.
"Not anymore. It's just weird having holes in my mouth." I cup some water in my hands and rinse my mouth out. I'm careful not to spit it out too forcefully because according to Brittany, I'm not suppose to.
"I talked to Adam today," Brittany informs me.
I look at her through the mirror as I wipe my mouth with a hand towel. "Oh, you did?"
"Mhm. When I came back out, after my shower." She raises her right foot onto the toilet seat cover and rests her chin on her knee. "He said Jax talked to him about-" she hesitates. "About me. About what happened."
I turn around and face her, my butt leaning against the sink. "I hadn't talked to him about it yet. I hope it's okay that Jax did."
She nods. "Yeah, it's fine. It just...It was a little weird cause...well, I don't really know Adam... like at all. And him coming to talk to me about it was a little weird. He kinda scares me and I know he doesn't like me so-"
"What did he say?" Did he offend you?"
She shakes her head. "No, no. He was really nice and understanding. That's why it was weird. He said he was sorry for being so rude to me and he asked if I had been to a doctor and stuff."
"Oh... Well, see? He's a nice guy. I'm glad everything is clear and there's no more secrets. Now you guys can really get to know each other."
"Yeah, that'd be nice.
I'm about to suggest we get to bed when she speaks up again. "He also said he wouldn't interfere with our business anymore." She says it in a really low voice, like she's unsure if she should say it at all.
I look down at her. Her chin is back on her knee and she's looking up at me with only her eyes.
"Business?" I don't know what to say. I don't know what to think. I mean, I'm pretty sure I know what Adam was talking about and I think Brittany does too, but I don't know how she feels about it.
Wait, what am I saying? We don't have any business. We're just friends. Nothing has happened between us since we met again. So we might have fallen asleep together a few times. Friends do that. I slept with Quinn back in high school. It didn't mean anything because nothing happened, not like it ever would. She's completely psycho-
I'm going to stop myself right there. I'm too old to be considering if falling asleep in the same bed means something. Of course it doesn't.
"He's weird," I say. "Let's go to bed?"
She slides off the toilet and follows me out of the bathroom. "Night, San," she says before heading towards the couch.
I feel really bad about her sleeping on the couch, but I would also feel really weird if I willingly invited her to sleep with me. But sleeping in the same bed doesn't mean anything, I just decided that. I stand in the hall watching her pull the blankets back and slip under them.
I've argued with myself enough for today. "Night, Britt," I say, and slip into my room but don't close the door completely. I never do. I don't know why. It's a habit I guess.
When I lived with my parents, I always left the door open just an inch so that I'd be able to hear when my mom was coming up the stairs. And it worked every time, because I never got caught smoking that bag of weed Puck gave me, or looking up sex education websites, or practicing what I Iearned with Brittany.
I lay on my bed only to feel my phone stab my lower back. "Ow." I pull it from under me and see that I have a missed call from Natalie.
Shit. I haven't called or even texted her since I got my teeth pulled. It's 11 pm. Not too late. I dial her number and wait for her to answer.
"Hey, stranger. Glad to know you're alive."
"Nat, I'm so sorry I haven't called you. I've been kind of out of it with the whole teeth thing."
"It's ok. I just wanted to know how you're feeling."
"I'm okay. It was hell yesterday, but I'm feeling better now."
"Did you swell?"
"A little bit. It's not too bad."
She chuckles. "Send me a picture."
"No! It's not that bad. You can't really tell."
"Fineee. I'm glad you're doing okay. Are you going in to work on Monday?"
"Yeah. I think I'll be good to go by then."
"That's good." She exhales sharply. "I kinda miss you. Just a little bit. I'm not like dying without you or anything but..."
I smile. She can be so cute sometimes. "I miss you too. What are you doing tomorrow? Want to hang out?"
"I can't." She groans. "They're sending me to San Diego to close a deal, but I can't wait to see you on Monday."
"I can't wait either." I can feel my cheeks getting warmer. I feel so stupid she can't even see me and I'm blushing. "I'll let you get some sleep. Good luck in San Diego."
"Thank you. Take care of your wounds."
"I will."
"Alright. Goodnight, babe."
"Night." I end the call and drop my phone next to me. I begin settling underneath my duvet but stiffen when I hear the wood floor outside my door creak. "Britt?" I call out but get no response. I shake my heavy covers off of me and walk towards the door. "Brittany?" I whisper. Looking down the hall, I see Brittany laying on the couch. The blankets are bundled underneath her and her back is facing my way. "Britt..." I try again.
She doesn't move a muscle so I get back to bed and try to fall asleep.
