I wake up the following morning and take a few minutes to remember what happened last night. For a quick second, I allow myself to think it was just a dream, but when I see Brittany sleeping next to me in her lacey panties and matching bra, I'm pulled back to reality.
I sneak out of the room and get started on some breakfast sandwiches and coffee because I know Brittany will definitely need them. Most people are really hungry when they're hungover, but I've never seen anyone eat as much as Brittany does.
As I wait for the coffee to brew and the eggs to cook, I think some more about last night. What we were about to do in my bed...I've been wanting to do that (with her) for so long. Not just because it's physically pleasurable, but I've also been yearning to be emotionally close to her again. I'm kind of glad we didn't go all the way yesterday because if for some crazy reason we were to have sex in the future, I want us to be connected at every level and not just do it because we're drunk and horny.
The more I think about it, the more I convince myself that I made the right choice by not going through with it. I don't even know if she wanted to sleep with me because she was drunk or because she still loves me. She said she missed me. Does she miss having sex with me or does she miss me? Maybe she's the one that wants to do it one last time for old time's sake.
What if she's trying to get us back to the friends with benefits deal. She wasn't completely happy with it then but that might be what she wants now.
She has me totally confused. And I still have to find out what happened at the reunion. I'm sure Finn said something stupid that set her off, but I need to hear it from her.
She walks into the kitchen with heavy feet a few minutes later in a pair of pajama shorts and a tank top. Her hair is ruffled and her smeared eye makeup is covered up by my favorite sunglasses.
"Morning," I say as I pour her a cup of coffee.
"Hi." She drops onto one of the chairs at my tiny dining table and rests her head on her palms.
I set the coffee and two sandwiches in front her. "Does your head hurt? I think I might have something for it in my medicine cabinet."
She barely shakes her head and I think that's a 'no.' "It's really bright in here," she mumbles.
I close all the blinds and then join her at the table with a sandwich of my own. "Aren't you hungry?"
She slides my sunglasses off before picking up one of the sandwiches and taking a bite out of it. "It's good. Thank you."
I smile. "I knew you'd be hungry."
She eats her first sandwich in silence and when she's done with it she takes a sip of her coffee and clears her throat. "Um...I'm sorry about what happened yesterday...in your bed.. You know I get a little crazy when I drink. It's not really an excuse, but..."
"It's okay. I didn't exactly stop you at first." I shrug.
She looks up at me and holds my gaze. "I really did mean what I said. I do miss you."
I feel a wave of ants march down the pit of my stomach. "I'm right here, Britt. You don't have to miss me anymore."
"Yeah." She smiles weakly. "Yeah. I'm just being dumb. I'm sorry."
"Don't say that. You're not dumb."
She chuckles.
"Brittany."
"I know. Sorry."
We sit without a word while she eats her second sandwich. She's not doing any cute shoulder dance or moving her head from side to side which lets me know she's not really enjoying her food. Something is bothering her.
I finish my own sandwich and wipe my hands on my napkin before asking, "Do you want to talk about last night? About what happened at the reunion."
Brittany takes her time drinking her coffee. I'm pretty sure she's buying herself some time to think about what she's going to say.
"Um...I don't really remember that well. I drank a lot."
My eyes narrow. "But you remember what happened in my room," I state.
Her cheeks turn the lightest shade of pink and she avoids my eyes. "I know, but I can't really remember that far back into the night. I- Finn said something..I think. And I just got mad."
"What did he say?"
She turns to me, looking unsure. Her mouth gapes but then closes again. "I really can't remember. It just- things are kinda blurry." She stands from her seat and takes her dishes over to the sink.
"Do you think it'll come back to you later on?" I ask.
"I don't know." She finishes rinsing her coffee mug and turns around. "Maybe."
I nod, not wanting to push the subject. "Okay."
"I'm ready," I say, grabbing my car keys and grocery list off the kitchen counter.
"Oh. Listen I've gotta go. We'll talk later?...Well you're kind of tanned. I think you should wear the lighter orange shirt...Right, Coral. Sorry...You're welcome. I'll talk to you soon. Bye!" Brittany rises off the couch and slips her phone in her purse.
"Let me guess. Jax was asking you which color shirt would look best on him. He gave you a few choices. They were names you've never even heard before. He confused the hell out of you then he said they're all shades of the same stupid color but insisted that they don't all look the same."
Brittany smiles. "But they don't."
"They totally do, Brittany. Orange is Orange. The only difference are the names."
"They don't look the same. I looked it up on my phone."
I sigh.
"You look really pretty," she comments.
I open the front door for us and look down at myself. "Really? They're just jeans."
"But you always take the time to make whatever you're wearing look its best. That's why you always take so long."
"I can't tell if you're complaining because I take too long or complementing me because I take the time to look this fabulous," I say as we step out into the hallway. She doesn't respond so she's probably holding back a giggle. "Your silence tells me you mean both." I chuckle and finish locking the door.
"I agree with both."
"Nat. What are you doing here?" I suddenly feel as if I've been caught red handed and I don't know why. I don't know if I'm more worried about Brittany meeting Natalie or Natalie seeing me with Brittany.
"I came by to talk to you."
"Is something wrong?"
"No. Everything's fine. Just wanted to talk." She shifts her eyes from me to Brittany and offers her a hand. "I'm Natalie."
Brittany shakes her hand. "I'm Brittany."
"I know." Natalie smiles then turns back to me. "So I guess I came at a bad time. I'll go and-"
"No," Brittany interrupts. "We were just gonna go pick up some things at the grocery store." She turns to me. "But I can go. I just need the list."
"Brittany..."
"It's okay, really. The list?" She holds her palm open and I give her the piece of paper. "Nice meeting you, Natalie," she says with a warm smile before she starts walking towards the stairs.
"You too," Natalie answers. She turns her attention back to me and makes a funny face. "You okay?"
"Yeah. I just don't know know why she took the stairs."
"Maybe she wanted to get a little cardio."
I chuckle. "Yeah, maybe. Do you want to come in?" I offer.
"That's okay. I just came because I wanted to see you and tell you that we're going out tonight."
"Oh."
"Unless you don't want to?"
"No, yeah. Of course I want to. Where are we going?"
"Geoffrey's Malibu," she says with a huge grin.
"Geoffrey's? But that's all the way up in Malibu."
She laughs. "Yup."
"And they charge a fortune."
"Don't worry about that. Just worry about what sexy dress you're going to wear tonight." She grabs both of my elbows and pulls me closer. "I don't know if you can look any more beautiful, but I'm excited to see you try." She gives me a peck on the lips and smiles. "I'll pick you up at seven, okay?"
"Okay."
She pulls me in one more time and gives me a soft lingering kiss before she heads to the stairs.
"You too?" I exclaim. "Why are you taking the stairs?"
"Because I don't want to wait for the elevator doors to open. If I stand here too long, I might just be tempted to ravish you."
I laugh and roll my eyes. "Bye, Nat."
I'm in the kitchen drinking a glass of wine when Brittany comes back home. "What took you so long?" I ask.
"Sorry, I stopped by Jax's and Adam's. Jax was showing me something."
"Showing you what?" I walk around the kitchen island to help her unload the groceries and she looks up at me for the first time since she walked in. Her mouth parts half an inch. "San, you look really beautiful." She rakes my body with her eyes and my hands become clammy when I see how her perfect blue pupils have dilated just enough for me to notice.
"Thank you, Britt." I pull out a white package from one of the grocery bags in an attempt to distract myself from her stare. "You bought Salmon? Why?"
Brittany quickly snatches it from me and stores it in the fridge. "Because I like it."
"No, you don't. Whenever we went to Captain D's and I ordered that delicious smoked Salmon, you would make a funny face." I look back in the bag and pull out a wine bottle. "More wine? We already have some."
"You can never have too much wine." She takes the bottle from me and slips it in the wine rack. "Here." She pulls me away from the counter and steps in front of the bags. "I'll put everything away."
"I'll help you."
"No, it's okay. I'm just- I'll do it later." She grabs the bags and sets them near the fridge. "So you have a date tonight?" She asks, casually.
"Yeah. How did you know?"
"It's not that hard to tell, San. You are wearing a cocktail dress."
"Right. Duh."
"So... Will you come home late?"
"I think we're just going to dinner so we shouldn't take too long. Why?"
"I picked up some movies and popcorn. Maybe we can have a movie night when you get back?"
"Yeah. That'll be good." I smile.
"You really do look really beautiful. I'm kind of jealous."
I giggle. "I'm sure you'd look way better in this dress than me, Britt."
She shakes her head. "That's not what I meant."
There's a knock at the door. "That's probably, Nat. She's always extremely early." I open the door and Natalie greets me with a kiss on the lips which I turn into a short peck. I check over my shoulder to make sure Brittany isn't watching, but to my dismay she's giving us her full attention.
"Wow! I am impressed. You actually managed to look more amazing than earlier today. Did you buy a new weave?" She gently tugs on my hair and I swat her hand away.
"No! This is real. I don't wear weaves."
She laughs and kisses my cheek. "Hi, Brittany."
Hey," Brittany says, with a small wave.
"Are you ready to go?"
"Um...yeah." I look back as Natalie pulls me through the door and I wave good-bye. "Bye, Britt."
"Bye," she says, with a tight sealed smile.
We take the elevator down to the lobby and a man in a suit opens the front door for us.
"That's weird," I say.
"What is?"
"We've never had a doorman at this building."
Natalie lets out a soft laugh and takes my hand. "He's not the door man. He's our driver."
"Our driver?" I look around. "What do you mean? Where's your car?"
"Not here." She pulls me over to a fancy black car that's parked a few feet away. The doorman, turned driver, opens the back door for us and smiles. "This is our ride tonight," Natalie says. She holds out a hand and motions for me to climb in first. Once we're both seated, the driver closes our door and walks around to the driver's seat.
"Natalie, you didn't have to get us a car. Your car would have been just fine."
She slips her hand in mine and squeezes it. "Just let me treat you like you deserve tonight, okay?"
I smile. "Okay."
I feel really strange right now. It feels great to be treated this kindly again. After Brittany broke up with me, I only dated two other girls. And when I say dated, I mean we went out once or twice and I never returned their calls after that. I was never with anyone long enough to do romantic things. I didn't think there was a point to it because I knew no matter what they did, no matter how romantic they were, they would never come close to making me as happy as Brittany.
So, yeah, I feel pretty damn good right now. I feel wanted and loved. But there's a huge part of me that still feels empty. Natalie can take me on the most romantic trip to Paris and show me a great time, but I would still be wishing that it were Brittany kissing me under the Eiffel Tower.
I feel lips on my shoulder and turn to find Natalie looking up at me. "I love you," she says.
My hand loosens in hers and her eyes instantly turn sad. "Nat..."
"It's okay." She squeezes my hand again. "You don't have to say anything. I just wanted to say it outloud."
"Natalie, I'm s-"
She shakes her head. "No, no. It's fine. I don't want things to get awkward. I just felt like saying it. I don't expect you to say it back." She inhales deeply and leans away from me. "Let's just enjoy the night." She pulls her hand out from mine and opens the sunroof. "It's hot in here.
I feel so terrible about not being able to say 'I love you' back to her. I know exactly what it feels like to have feelings which are not reciprocated. Well, that's not exactly true. Brittany did love me when I poured my heart out to her, but she still rejected being with me.
I want to comfort Natalie. But how can I? When I'm the one making her feel like crap. I can't find anything to say so I just keep quiet. The ride is uncomfortably long and I'm worried she might act distant when we get there because she hasn't tried to strike up a conversation, but then she speaks up.
"I got a table out on the deck. Um...it has a nice view, but we can move if it gets too cold."
"I'm sure it'll be fine. I can't wait to see the view," I say in my most appreciative tone.
She forces a smile and turns to look out the car window.
It takes another fifteen minutes before we finally make it to the restaurant. The driver opens the door for us and we are ushered to our table which is waiting for us with two wine glasses and a bundle of roses. Natalie picks them up. "These are for you, but they'll get in the way here." She turn to the restaurant host and asks him if he can hold on to them for a while. The man takes the roses with a smile and walks away.
"Nat, you said the view was nice, but this is amazing. I feel like I can see all of the Pacific Ocean from here."
"It is pretty impressive, huh? I've never actually been here. A friend recommended I bring you here."
"You've been talking to your friends about me?" I ask, shyly.
She smiles bashfully. "A little, yeah." She straightens her shoulders and turns her smile into a smirk. "But only about how you're always late to everything and how you sleep all day on the weekends.
I laugh. "They must think I'm great."
"Yeah, well...doesn't matter what they think. It's what I think of you that matters right?"
I nod.
"And I think you're the definition of perfect so..." She shrugs.
Her words are so sweet, yet my heart doesn't swell the way it does when Brittany tells me I look pretty.
The evening goes on smoothly. The food is the best I've ever had and when the breeze starts to pick up the waiter quickly turns on the heat lamps. Natalie seems to have left her hidden sadness and disappointment back in the car because she's back to being her chatty self.
"Did you like the food?" She asks.
"Yeah. It was incredible. Thank you."
"I'm glad you liked it." She smiles proudly. "Um...I don't know if- I think it's-" she stops herself and chuckles.
I laugh with her. "What? Say it."
"I was thinking maybe we can go back to my place. You haven't been there yet and... I don't know. It's just a thought."
"Um..." I hesitate.
"We don't have to. It's actually kind of late. I can just drop you off and leave it for some other time."
"No, yeah. Let's do it. I mean, let's go. I'd like to go." I nod.
"Really?"
"Yeah. You ready?"
I owe this to myself, I think. I owe it to myself to share some intimacy with someone. I've been alone for so long that I've grown used to not having any physical contact. But this incredible girl is offering to love me and care for me, and I think I need to give myself the opportunity to love and feel again. Maybe this is what will finally free me from the shackles that Brittany has had on me all these years.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't nervous when we got to her apartment. I haven't had sex with anyone in almost three years. (Except for a girl Adam introduced me to one drunken night at a college party, but it doesn't really count if you can't remember all of it.) I worried about the type of things Natalie likes to do. My moves are rusty and I'm scared she'll realize just how long it's been.
But sex with her is very pleasurable. She's definitely had her share of women because she knows what she's doing. She's so extremely gentle that sometimes I just want to stop her and tell her I'm not made of glass. But her personality fits the way she touches me and the way she kisses me. I think it's noticeable that I haven't had sex in some time because she keeps telling me things like 'it's okay' and 'relax.' It's embarrassedly soon, but I'm feeling myself climbing to the peak and it feels great. I've enjoyed every kiss, touch, and whisper. I'm proud of myself. I haven't thought about Brittany at all. Brittany...
I get a very blurry mental picture of her and that's all it takes to get me over the edge. All the physical pleasures build up in my center and my orgasm takes over. I try to keep the shaking to a minimum because I'm not comfortable with Natalie seeing me out of control.
Once my body relaxes, Natalie crawls up from her place between my legs and kisses my cheek. "I love you," she says, before burying her face in my neck.