Chapter 6: Proposition
I pulled away from her and smiled before capturing her lips again, this time brushing my tongue by her bottom lip, asking for entrance. It wasn't long before our tongues were battling and our bodies grinding against one anothers. She pushed her body against me until my knees hit her bed and I was pushed softly onto my back, with her straddling my waist. The sight of her on top of me will be an image that I will definitely keep in my memory. Her lips caught mine again and within seconds became intense. I pulled her body closer, wanting to feel her complete weight on me and groaned at the contact. I traced my fingers along the little bit of skin she was showing on her waist. Her skin is so soft and smooth making me wonder what it felt like to kiss. She pulled out of the kiss, panting heavily. Both of our breathing was deep and quick. Her lips found my neck causing me to shiver slightly. Her tongue was licking my neck and her were teeth nibbling on certain areas causing goosebumps to pop out.
"MmM," I groaned as I turned my head to give her more room. My hands moved slowly under her shirt, tracing all of the skin on her waist that it could touch. Her moan only made me want to touch her more. Her lips moved from my neck, to my jaw, and back to my lips. Suddenly she grinded herself into me; god she felt so good, "MmM San," I moaned. At this point my hands were squeezing her waist at every thrust. Cold soft fingers suddenly made their way under my blouse, tracing every piece of skin they touched, causing my body to jerk up.
"God Britt," whispered San, "You're body feels amazing." She captured my lips again and I could feel my body taking over. I was trying so hard to keep a leveled head, but her fingers moving against my body were not helping. I grabbed her waist again, locked our ankles and rolled us over. She yelped in surprise, but then smiled at me. My lips kissed her forehead, then cheeks, her nose and then I placed a soft kiss on her lips before kissing a path from her jaw to her neck. I wanted to make her feel good and I ached to taste her skin. I nibbled and sucked on her neck until I heard her groans. I didn't stay on any spots for too long for fear of leaving any love bites. The last thing we needed were for people to ask questions. My hands continued tracing under her shirt until it touched her bra. Instantly I pulled my hand back for fear of crossing a boundary that she wasn't ready for; however, her hand grasped mine and moved my hand until it was back on her bra. Her skin was so soft! I traced the outline of her boobs until finally I let a finger roam underneath the padding.
"Britt," she moaned making my body shiver. Hearing my name come out of her mouth in that tone made me want to just take her right here, but I knew I couldn't. We needed to stop before I couldn't anymore. I opened my eyes and stared at her, while moving one hand back to her waist and the other to her face. When her eyes met mine, I almost melted at the darkness of them, filled with so much emotion.
"San we have to stop. As much as I'd love to keep doing this, I just think we should wait until you're sure. I don't want us to rush this." She looked at me and smiled again before kissing me.
"Okay Britt. Sounds good to me." I rolled off her immediately missing the feeling of her body underneath mine. I have a feeling I'm going to be the clingy girlfriend that constantly needs to touch her. Crap girlfriend? Is that what we even are? What about Puck? Shit she has a boyfriend! "Britt? Are you okay?" she asked worried. I looked at her wondering if I should ask.
"San what happens from here?" I asked, "I know you're not ready for too much, but I mean are we together or was this just a one time thing?"
"Britt- I told you that I have feelings for you. I meant that. I want to give us a try." She said genuinely and then laughed, "But I should break up with Puck first." She looked so free compared to the last few days. Her smile was plastered onto her face and her hand grasped mine. "I'm so sorry for how I treated you. I-I've never been so scared about anything in my entire life. I just know that this is something too special to pass up though. Does that answer your question?" she asked.
"Perfectly," I replied giving her a chaste kiss. I sat up and jumped off her bed.
"Hey," she pouted, "where are you going?" she asked watching me walk to the closet.
"I'd rather change into my pajamas" I shrugged. She nodded and jumped off the bed, most likely to change also.
"Can you sleep with me tonight?" I raised my eyebrows at her, "Just to sleep, I promise." She said before laughing, "Okay so maybe not just sleeping, but come on. Can you blame me? I just discovered how amazing you kisses are, I'm addicted." She said dramatically. I threw my blouse at her before placing my tank top over my head.
"Suck up," I laughed.
"Only for you," she answered laughing. I changed and jumped into her bed, cuddling with the pillow.
"Come here," I said opening my arms. She smiled and immediately joined me, cuddling against my body. I could so get used to this.
The weeks progressed quickly and soon we were studying for finals.
"I'm going to fail!" whined Rachel. It was the second to last day of finals.
"Calm down Rachel!" I yelled from my spot on San's bed. Suddenly a large pillow hit Rachel square in the face.
"Hey!" She yelled as San snickered proudly. I tried to hold my laughter in, but I couldn't help it.
"San be nice," I laughed. My hand was on her thigh, resting comfortable, while I was cuddled into her side.
"What I was only doing what we all felt like doing!" answered San with her trademark smirk plastered onto her face. I smiled at her before returning my attention to the textbook in my other hand. These last few weeks have been amazing. San and I have been closer than ever, but sadly we hadn't made any progress outside of the safety of our room. I loved being with her and I was tired of watching boys aimlessly flirt with her. I wanted everyone to know she was mine. Sure we weren't officially girlfriends, but did that really matter?
"Sheesh," huffed Rachel as she sat down on my bed. Moments like these will be embedded in my mind forever. Moments where I'm with my two best friends enjoying each others company, even though we were studying. "Crap my exam is in an hour!" yelped Rachel, "I need to head to my room to finish some last minute preparations. "If I don't see you for dinner, then I'll see you tomorrow for our psychology midterm Brittany." Before I could respond, she had grabbed her bag and ran out of the room. The room grew quiet and I no longer felt like studying. I stared at my text book trying to soak in any new information, but all the words I read made no difference. I re-read the same paragraph, but my thoughts drifted to how San's fingers were gently rubbing circles on my palm. I wanted to lean back and enjoy the feelings that this small act of intimacy brought to my heart, but I knew that my psychology final was too important. Although I felt ready to take the test, I couldn't be sure that I would be getting an A. Her hand moved to my waist and proceeded to rub circles on the skin that wasn't covered by my tank top, making me shiver. I could feel a goose bump trail forming at the spots that she had just touched. I stared at the textbook reading the same sentence over when soft lips touched my neck, placing gentle kisses along my pulse point. What was this girl trying to do to me? I swallowed and focused on breathing properly, but the feeling of her lips was becoming the only thing my mind could focus on.
"San," I whined trying to move away, "We have to study." As soon as the words left my mouth, I wish they hadn't. I didn't want her lips to stop moving against any part of my skin, I just wanted to feel her all over me. I've never wanted anyone else more in my life, until her.
"We've studied all week," she whispered in that voice that i've come to love. "It's definitely time for a break."
I turned to face her; "Is that s-" Her lips crashed onto mine before I could finish that sentence.
She smiled into the kiss, "Britt you talk way too much," she laughed before I grabbed her shirt and pulled her forcefully to me. Just as I was about to deepen the kiss our door slammed open. San broke the kiss and flung herself backwards causing her lipstick to smudge.
"Sorry, I forgot my phone," said Rachel unabashedly before walking to her phone, "I must say you two do make a great couple." She was smiling at me widely.
"Couple? What are you talking about hobbit?" asked San angrily, "We aren't together!" I tried not to flinch at her harsh words, but they hurt.
"But-" Rachel looked at me for help causing me to look away. I could feel San's eyes on me and tried not to catch her gaze, "I'm going to go..." With that Rachel was gone.
"Britt, what the hell was that about?" I made eye contact with San and could practically see the sparks flying off her. Why was she so mad? I couldn't understand this, it's not like we were back in Lima Ohio. Was she that embarrassed to be seen with me?
I wanted to say nothing, but i'm a terrible liar, so I shrugged.
"Did you tell her?" asked San as she jumped off the bed and paced.
"Rachel and Quinn-"
"Quinn? You told Quinn too?" She interupted, "How could you? This was not your secret to tell!" she yelled.
"Not my secret? You're joking right? You do realize i'm the one who's been kissing you right? I'm pretty sure that makes it partly my secret too," I replied hotly. "And if you let me finish then you would have realized that they only knew about my feelings!" I yelled, "You were so confusing and I didn't understand what I was feeling, so I talked to Rachel about it. She was so understanding and helped me put them together." My anger was fading and all of the hurt from her words replaced it, "Then after the kiss and the whole incident with Puck, I needed a place to stay. I was so lost and hurt, Quinn knew something was up, so I told her how I felt." San wouldn't meet my eyes, "And if I remember that correctly, those are my feelings only making it my secret." I replied warily.
"Britt that's- I-" She shook her head apologetically.
"No San," I said. Her words were stuck in my head, "I obviously thought we had something amazing, but you apparently didn't share the same feeling. This has been the best few weeks and i don't regret any of them, but I get the feeling you do." I tried to sound strong, but my voice cracked, "You do, don't you?" She wouldn't look at me, "I get it." I jumped off the bed, throwing a long sleeved shirt and my school hoodie over my head. Thank god I had already showered and fixed myself up making me look presentable. My boots were by the door luckily so I grabbed my phone and keys from the desk and walked to the door.
"Britt, where are you going?" She asked. I could hear the concern in her voice, but I was too numb to care. I just needed to think about what this all meant.
"Out," I shrugged
"Don't..." San started but then stopped. My boots were on and just as I opened the door I turned around and met her eyes.
"Just so you know. When I told them, they didn't care. We were still just Britt and Santana to them. In fact NO ONE cares! I don't understand why you even care what they think." I shook my head and slammed the door shut.
There were only a few students outside bearing the cold. It was mostly students who had encountered finals for the day. I was ever so grateful at how cold the winters were, there was something about walking in the cold that cleared my head. I didn't know if anything else would be able to at this point. All her words still stung and I could feel tears threatening to fall. I walked over to my favorite spot; a clearing with a gazebo and small pond. In the winter the pond had frozen over, making it more magical to me. At this point the tears were falling freely and my body was shaking with all the pent up emotion. How could she just deny us like that? Had I not meant more to her than just a warm body at her convenience? My phone was buzzing, but I didn't care. I wasn't in the mood to talk to anyone; I wanted to sit here and stare until I was numb. That way I wouldn't care anymore and wouldn't feel this need to be around her anymore. Maybe I was overreacting, but all I knew was the way she denied us so easily definitely didn't put my mind at ease. It felt like hours had passed before I headed back. My fingrs were red, face felt numb, and my body felt like it was dragging itself to my destination. I opened the hall door and it felt like I had entered a heater. The hot air burned and made me want to run back outside. I didn't want to feel warm, I wanted to feel cold. My hands shook as I took the key and turned the lock. As soon as the door opened, I was met with a frantic San.
"Where were you Britt?" She asked angrily, "I've been trying to call you like a hundred times!" her hair looked messier than usual as if her hands had been in it more than usual in the last few hours. My body wanted to run my hands through it to smooth it out, but I pulled back. I wished that everyhing was okay, but it wasn't. I shrugged at her when I realized that she was waiting for an answer, "Jesus Britt you're practically red. It's freezing out there," she said walking towards me. Her hand brushed my wrist and instinctivally I jerked away. She couldn't touch me, not after all those horrible words she said. For a moment I saw her expression look hurt and I wanted to give in, but I wouldn't allow myself to. "Britt-"
"No Santana," I said, "What you said really hurt." I told her. I looked at her directly in her eyes, "For the last few weeks I really thought we were something more than just a fling. I convinced myself that you wanted more just like I do; I told myself I wasn't an experiment and that you did care because it honestly felt like you did."
"I-"
"No let me finish," I said without any emotion, "But to have you deny everything to one of our closest friends so quick and then yell at me because she figured it out; it hurt like hell. I thought we were making progress, I thought this was what you wanted. It obviously isn't." I finished.
"Britt, I do care," she answered taking a step forward, "Please Britt, I panicked. This scares me, all of it." Normally I would be more sympathetic, but not tonight. Tonight she needed to know how hard this has been for me.
"That's no excuse!" I yelled, "Do you think this doesn't scare me? Do you really think I don't know the consequences of loving you? Of course I know them, i'm not stupid! I know my mom won't ever accept this, I know you're parents would never look at me the same, I knew it would be extremely hard, but I was willing to take the risk. Even more I was willing to wait for you and I hoped that maybe you would think that I was worth it too." Tears threatened to fall again, but I willed them away, "Of course I was wrong."
"Wait what do you mean by loving me? Are you-"
"What are you talking about San?" I asked annoyed at her. I backtracked and noticed my slip. Shit Shit shit! I yelled at myself. "That's not the point Santana!" I raised my voice. "I just don't think-" Come on Brittany you can do this, no matter how hard it hurts, "I can't do this anymore."
"What are you saying? Are you...breaking up with me?" she asked.
I shook my head, "You see San, the problem is we were never actually together remember." I said. Her expression fell, "I thought we were..."
"Britt you can't just mention love and then walk away!" she said, tears were pouring down her cheeks and I had to look away.
"What else can I do?" I asked, "It hurts to see other people openly flirt with you or see the way Puck tries to get back with you constantly. Soon the excuse that you're not interested isn't going to work anymore. They will want to know more, do you really think you will be able to tell them that you were seeing someone? Would you be able to answer honestly? Or would you just go along with the flow and flirt back?"
"I-I don't know"
"Would you even try?" I asked.
"I don't know!" she raised her voice, "This is all so new to me! I spent so long fighting these feelings that it comes natural now. I never actually thought that we would actually have a chance at becoming something." I wanted to be more understanding, but at the moment I couldn't think straight.
I shook my head, "If it hurts this much now, than I really don't think I could handle seeing you tell someone else that we're just friends."
"What now? You're just going to call it off?" she asked. "You're going to cut me out of your life?" her voice cracked and I just wanted to embrace her and never let her go, but I needed to do this.
"No i'm going to give you a chance to decide what it is you really want from me, whether it's friendship or more. If you want more and I mean are willing to at least try to become something more than I will be waiting, but if you don't than at least you're being honest with me and I will do my best to move on." Her face was covered with tears and I felt terrible because it was all my fault, but I couldn't live in this little bubble we created any longer.
She nodded at me, "O-okay that's fair enough." I wanted to hug her and kiss away the pain, but I knew, for the meantime that wouldn't be possible. She stepped towards me and took matters into her own hands, pulling me into a strong embrace. It sucked having her this close, only to have such a wide distance between us.
"Just so you remember what's waiting for you," I said pulling away just enough so that I could take her lips in mine for just one more time. Who knows, this could be the last time we kissed. Before she could deepen the kiss, I stepped away and grabbed my pajamas from my bed and walked into the bathroom, shutting the door behind me. I hope she makes her decision soon.
Author's Note: What did you think? Sorry if anyone is upset. I'm just trying my best to be realistic. It is NOT easy to just give into those types of feelings. Also thanks for all the reviews. I'm glad that you're enjoying the story. I promise it will get better and I have taken all your suggestions into consideration.