*o*o*o*
It was no wonder Loki had teamed up with Doom; they both dug the creepy clone thing. Doom's copies were so exact, in fact, that Thor, Steve, and the SHEILD agents quickly lost track of Doom in the crowd of attacking Doombots. Steve was really missing Tony's aerial surveillance via the Iron Man suit; he had not realized how much he had relied on it to pick the real Doom (and Loki) out from their battalions of clones.
Fortunately, they had the Hulk. Apparently Loki isn't the only person he can "smell the crazy on", because when Doom slipped away from the battle and into the tower, Hulk was the first to notice. With a might roar of "KITTY!" he leapt onto the tower and began scaling it like a green King Kong.
"KITTY!"
When Hulk reached the floor where Tony and Loki were hidden, Doom had already blasted though the bathroom door and was reaching into the linen closet. Fortunately (for everyone besides Doom) he didn't get the reception he was expecting.
When he reached through the door, Loki ducked under his hand and launched himself at the dictator's face (Go, Loki, go!). Startled, Doom staggered back a step then slipped on the bathroom rug, smashing into the sink. Water sprayed everywhere. He lunged after Loki, but missed by a mile as the black kitten (now resembling a tiny, wet gremlin) streaked into the main area. Stumbling, the dictator suddenly found his feet lifted off the ground as the Hulk grabbed him in both, enormous hands. Doom found himself face-to-face with the Hulk and a feline Tony, the latter's tail held high as he perched on the behemoth's shoulder.
"Hulk's kitty," the Hulk growled right in Doom's face.
There really wasn't a whole lot Doom could say to that.
"Mew!"
*o*o*o*
Once in SHEILD custody, Doom declared himself invulnerable to torture and interrogation. And hour later, Natasha strode out of his holding cell rolling her eyes.
"Without the aid of a sorcerer from Asgard, we cannot reverse the ray's effects; however they will reverse themselves in approximately a month."
"Any information on how much the ray affects their minds?" Bruce asked.
"Apparently he didn't bother to ask Loki that little detail when he wove the spells; he doesn't know and he's been stewing about it. He's not afraid of SHEILD; he's afraid of Loki. And the Hulk, but mostly Loki."
"So he's not as stupid as he looks."
Everyone stared at Steve.
"What? Clint and Tony aren't here; someone had to say it!" Captain America, folks – he does what has to be done!
*o*o*o*
Meanwhile…
"What do you mean Tony's a cat?!" Uh oh; someone's in trouble.
Clint knew they had forgotten something. That 'something' was Pepper, who had been away on a business trip but returned immediately when JARVIS contacted her about the damage to the tower. Thor, Steve, and Bruce were doing the battle debrief while Natasha interrogated Doom, leaving Clint to watch the kittens alone and now deal with Stark's assistant… CEO… whatever. Clint was too distracted by those stilettos; they looked like they could do a lot of damage. They can, Clint, and they have. Be afraid.
"Mew!"
For his part, Tony was extremely excited to see Pepper, and was falling all over himself rubbing up against her ankles. Loki was watching the entire debacle from the back of the couch with what Clint perceived as dark glee. Clint glared at him on general principle before trying to explain the situation is such a way that would not cause Pepper to attack him with a seven-inch Louboutin. Or a lawsuit; Clint was a government employee and lived off Stark's dime - whatever the financial penalty was for turning a billionaire into a cat, Clint couldn't pay it.
"I'm not allowed to reveal specifics," He began, "But we have the perpetrators on custody and we are interrogating one of them now on how to reverse the effect. Dr. Banner has been working on reverse engineering a cure as well; SHIELD has no reason to believe this is permanent." Please don't kill me. Or sue me.
Pepper scowled and crossed her arms, not buying it. "I want to speak to Director Fury. JARVIS says it's been two days and no one thought to contact me. Tony is not just Iron Man, he's the face and head engineer of Stark Industries."
"Mew!"
And now he's a cat. Who was apparently sick of being ignored. Oblivious (or apathetic) to the conversation between Pepper and Clint, the black and white kitten began scrabbling at Pepper's leg in the universal kitty gesture of "Pet me! PET ME NOW!" Pepper was steadfast. Her pantyhose were not.
"Tony!" Pepper scolded as the cat tugged at his front paws, unsure what strange substance he had encountered.
"Mew!" The last, fragile, nylon thread gave away and Tony tumbled onto his back, tail whirling and paws waving. The arc reactor shone like a beacon, and Pepper sighed. She could no longer deny the furry reality.
She bent down and picked Tony up, peering closely at the arc reactor. This was no robot, and despite his seeming lack of concern for, well, most things, Tony would never subject someone else to the arc reactor implant, not even an animal.
"Mew!" Tony swiped a playful paw at Pepper's nose, as if to say 'Cheer up, Peps, it's not so bad'.
Pepper smiled and rubbed Tony's ears. Clint took a deep breath, grateful (for once) for Tony's way with women. Oh, you underestimate Pepper, Clint; you underestimate her greatly.
Pepper's smile turned lethal, "I insist on seeing Director Fury before five. And if this does not get sorted out, the least you can expect is an end to any and all cooperation from Stark Industries. In perpetuity."
"Mew!"
*o*o*o*
In the end, Pepper did get to see Fury by five, and the team got to return to the tower in time for dinner. There was some rearranging of personal effects and visits by workmen to cover the holes Doom's missiles (and the Hulk) had left in the sides of the building, but the tower was declared 'livable' for the time being and the team was cheered to know that their furry problem would correct itself. Eventually.
In the meantime, they had become the World's Greatest Cat Sitters (for a given definition of 'greatest'). With Doom and Loki both out of commission they were unlikely to be called into battle, and with Tony and the tower less than fully available, most of their side projects had to be put on hold as well. Steve was taking the opportunity to get some drawing done, and encouraged his team to pursue their own hobbies as long as both Loki and Tony were kept under close watch. This was fine with the team, as watching Loki *is* Thor's hobby. Bruce took up needlepoint; he enjoyed making everyone jump by swearing loudly whenever he pricked himself. Natasha did… Natasha things (read: classified). Clint took up hunting. Loki. With a Nerf gun.
"Gotcha!"
Thor sighed as Loki streaked angrily through the living room, Tony watching curiously. "Friend Clint, you know my brother will only leave more surprises in your bed if you continue this."
Clint easily jumped down from one of the still exposed I-beams, Nerf gun still drawn and ready. "He's got to run out of rodents eventually. Then again, this is New York. But he'd probably keep doing it anyway; he shouldn't be the only one getting his kicks."
Thor frowned and narrowed his eyes, "Kicks?"
"It's an expression, big guy; means 'thrills'. Because leaving a dead rodent in someone's bed has got to be the most fun Loki's had in a while. Unless he and Doom actually were hitting the sheets, in which case I really don't want to know about it."
"Mew!"
"Hey, Tony. Loki give you fleas, yet?"
"Mew!"
"Wait…" Clint took a closer look at Tony, who was crouched over a Starkpad. "What is he doing?"
"Oh! JARVIS displayed for me a series of videos of cats enjoying an electronic game by the name of 'Fruit Ninja'; Tony has proved most adept at it!"
"Mew!"
Tony eagerly pounced on the Starkpad, swiping at the digital fruit flying across the screen.
"Huh." You're melting inside, Clint - admit it.
"Mew!"
Yup. Like butter.
*o*o*o*
The feud between Loki and Clint continued to escalate (I know, you're shocked, right?). Natasha began to question if Loki really did retain some of his human(oid) mind when he somehow left three live but bleeding rats in Clint's locked bedroom while simultaneously avoiding the eagle-eyed, Nerf-toting Avenger for an entire afternoon. Clint was not pleased (another shocker, I'm sure).
But what made her even more suspicious was a pattern she noticed in Loki's response to Clint's attacks. When disturbed while awake or sleeping alone, he almost always fled before vandalizing Clint's property (Or Thor's property. Or Steve's. Or the tower in general). However, when disturbed while sleeping cuddled up to Tony – which appeared to be his preferred position - he would immediately respond with aggression, biting and scratching like a fuzzy little demon. The implications – especially if Loki was aware of what he was doing - were worrying.
"I wouldn't do that if I were you," She warned Clint as he approached the sleeping cats with a fully loaded Super Soaker (meaning a Super Soaker that was completely filled with water, but also outfitted with all the bell and whistles Hasbro has to offer).
"Why not?" Clint asked, never taking his eyes away from his target. "I won't hit Tony, and even if I did, the little furball deserves it for running up and down the hallway in front of my room for two hours last night. I swear, somehow he is getting into the caffeine."
"Caffeine is toxic to cats, Agent Barton," JARVIS chimed in, "I assure you, I have not allowed Mr. Stark to ingest any."
Clint shrugged, still stalking a sleeping Loki, "Then I guess he's just hyper."
"Indeed, sir."
Clint laughed. "You're a real peach, JARVIS, you know that?"
"Thank you, sir."
"Aha!" Clint fired. Loki leapt up and latched onto his bare arm. By the time is was over, Clint and Loki were both soaked to the bone, Clint was bleeding from both arms and his face, and one of Tony's ridiculously expensive, modern side tables was a pile of ridiculously expensive, modern splinters.
Steve took Clint's Super Soaker and all his Nerf guns away. In no way dissuaded, Clint (still wet and bleeding) stalked into the nearest toy store and demanded something that would "teach that fucking demonic little furball a lesson". The video of him doing this was posted on YouTube before he got back to the tower. The first hate mail arrived the next morning. The lawsuit from PETA came a day after that.
Well, if nothing else, Clint no longer cared about being compared to Grumpy Cat*. It's the little victories that count.
*o*o*o*
*AN: This is an actual thing! Link available on my profile.