Quick Disclaimer: All credit for characters, settings, anything you recognize etc. etc. Belongs to someone else. More specifically, J.K. Rowling. All dialouge is taken directly from her work. Also important to note, me no making money on writing this stuff. If anyone thought I was...well maybe Fanfic isn't four you.

That door wasn' built right. Hagrid thought, as it collapsed. And this hut thing is too darn small. What the hell are these people doing out here anyhow? Yeh'd think they was hidin' from someone!

"Couldn't make us a cup o' tea, could yeh? It's not been an easy journey…" He said. Too right that…flyin' at my size, always did hate brooms. He turned to survey his audience: Well, alright let's see, we got a hippopotamus, a horse… "Budge up yeh great lump," and a baby hippo. The silly thing made some kind of mouse-like sound, and scurried off (also mouse-like).

Guess that musta been the Dursley kid. Hagrid was rather surprised that a child of eleven could possibly be that large. And he was something of an authority on large. Really, that just couldn't be healthy for a kid. Particularly when compared to the other boy…oh, right!

"An' here's Harry!" Hagrid smiled down at the, admittedly rather scrawny boy. Not a lot of meat on those bones, but those eyes were so intent, curious, and, rather surprisingly, not afraid. Sure, the kid looked a little apprehensive, and why wouldn't he? Hagrid was intimidating due to his sheer size. But there was none of the terror that clearly gripped the other three, even the one with that grum? Na, that aint' right…ah, whatever I could snap that little toothpick like a…well, a toothpick!

"Las' time I saw you, you was only a baby." Hagrid said, looking the kid over. Looking right back at him was James Potter, just smaller and those eyes… "Yeh look a lot like yer dad, but yeh've got yer mom's eyes." Harry looked surprised? Tha' can' be right. Someone musta told 'im. Hang on, Hippo Senior is babbling about somethin', better shut him up.

"Ah, shut up, Dursley, yeh great prune." Hagrid reached over to that weapon thing, and decided that he much preferred pretzels to broken toothpicks, and proceeded to turn the rifle into one. Now that the Dursleys were taken care of, he turned back to Harry. After all, a cake does no good if it just sits around in a man's back pocket! Or one of the side pockets, or one of the interior pockets, well any pocket really.

He's a brave little tyke, I'll give him that'. He was a little Gryffindor, staring down the much larger man.

"Anyway-Harry, a very happy birthday to yeh. Got summat fer yeh here-I mighta sat on it at some point, but it'll taste alright." 'Course it will, ain't nothin' that can beat the Hogwarts elves! Now if only he could've remembered which pocket he'd stashed the box in before lying taking that nap. It was only a little under him, but a little under Hagrid is a lot under most medium sized pieces of furniture, like a couch, or maybe a large armchair.

He pulled out the cake, took a moment to straighten out the box a bit, and offered it to the eleven year old boy (not the eleven year old tub of blubber who was now decidedly interested in that box). Harry's eyes were wide with shock. Wha's he so surprised about? Can' be the firs' time he's gotten anything like this right? Nah, musta been me entrance! Sure was a bit dramatic…

After a rather careful examination of the suspect piece of confectionery, Harry returned his attention to the suspect, erm, man. His mouth opened and closed a few times, clearly uncertain what to say. In the end, the phrase that won control of the mouth was: "Who are you?"

Hagrid chuckled at himself, knew I forgot something: Introductions! Dumbledore's always tellin' me I need to be more mindful of my manners, and now I'm getting the same lesson from this little fella.

"True, I haven't introduced meself. Rubeus Hagrid, Keeper of Keyes and Grounds at Hogwarts." He extended his hand for a handshake. Harry reached out cautiously, and as Hagrid decided to have a little fun by shaking the kid's whole arm.

Ugh,, now I could really use a drink. Somethin' pretty stiff to deal with all that flyin'. Hagrid gave a small shudder. One would think that having his head so far above the ground on a regular basis, Hagrid would have no trouble flying, and one would be correct. Black's motorbike, for example, was a perfectly good method of quick transportation. But as Hagrid didn't fit in many fireplaces (even those at Hogwarts) portkeys weren't designed for part giants, and he never got close to enough magical training for apparition, Hagrid was forced to use…brooms. And, as anyone could imagine, at eight and a half foot tall and fairly wide (not polite to ask you know!), Hagrid didn't like brooms. Them and those Gringotts' carts. Never fails to rattle me nerves, and sicken me stomach.

Asking aloud for some of the aforementioned beverages ("What about that tea…summat stronger…") Hagrid spied the…fireplace. Well "place", yes. "Fire" not so much. Well, ain't nobody here gonna report me if they don't see anything to report. I just block the view like this, an' quiet like now… he pulled out of another pocket a little jar of flames that Dumbledore had conjured up to help keep Hagrid warm on his journey. With a twist of the lid, a shake of the wrist, and thus a fire was burning in their midst…alright, maybe I won't say that one out loud.

Now Hagrid was normally a truly polite person, and he found the Dursleys' response (or more accurately, lack thereof) quite offensive. Hagrid is definitely the resilient type, both literally and figuratively. Literally in that he is rather tough, figuratively in that he had been teased, taunted and generally treated awfully for the majority of his life, so manners slights didn't really bother him much. He tended to respond to such rude behaviors by treating the perpetrators as they treated him.

So as Hagrid pulled out some tea, and a few sausages (kid's so darn skinny, he needs some food), he had absolutely no intention of offering any to those people who were technically his (albeit unwilling) hosts. Since Hippo-man was still rather cowed (mixin' me animal metaphors, that's only gonna help them authors what think I don't know English. Sorry, no, I don't know anything about this fourth wall you speak of…) there was complete silence in the hut as Hagrid set about his most important task: cooking the sausages. As Pig-boy twitched towards the wonderful little fat sausages, Hippo-man found his voice to tell him not to take any. Hagrid found this rather amusing.

"Yer great puddin' of a son don' need fattenin' anymore Dursley, don' worry," He said, still chuckling. He passed all (but two) of the sausages to the stick—erm-Harry. The boy did his best to eat without looking at his food, his eyes still fixed on Hagrid and filled with confusion.

Finally, Harry asked "I'm sorry, but I still don't really know who you are." Eh?

"Call me Hagrid, everyone does. An' I told yeh, I'm keeper of Keys at Hogwarts - Yeh'll know all about Hogwarts, o' course."

"Er-no, sorry."

"…."

What? Hagrid was so stunned he visibly started. Harry flinched back, "Sorry." He's sorry? What for? How should he know if they didn't tell him…wait, they didn't tell him!?

"Sorry? It's them as should be sorry!" Hagrid roared turning to face the cowering menagerie. "I knew yeh weren't getting yer letters but I never thought yeh wouldn't even know abou' Hogwarts, fer cryin' out loud!" The thought of a young witch or wizard, born to a family that knows of magic, growing up in Britain without ever hearing of Hogwarts was simply unthinkable to Hagrid. The thought was so foreign to any of the Hogwarts staff that no one had considered it a remotely feasible possibility. Even Snape had agreed that Petunia, with all her flaws, would have raised the kid with an understanding of it all, albeit a somewhat jaded view. Then again, Snape hadn't seen Petunia since they were kids. But still, what about his mum and dad? Surely they must have told him about them being magic…right?

"Did yeh never wonder where yer parents learned it all?" Hagrid finished his little rant.

"All what?" was the only response.

"…."

Oh no. They didn'. Those little bastards, why I oughta….In short, Hagrid blew a gasket.

"ALL WHAT?" Hagrid's voice shook the entire little hut, "Now wait jus' one second!" He stood up, barely fitting in the tiny room. He stepped forward in the gloom, crackling firelight the only illumination. He seemed to literally swell with anger, looming over the Dursley family. "Do you mean ter tell me," He was fighting so hard to keep the rest of his temper. His voice ground out between tightly clenched teeth. It was unthinkable, unheard of! Dumbledore had explained it all to them, it was in that letter. Hagrid and Professor McGonagall had both been told the exact contents of the letter, and while Hagrid couldn't remember the exact wording, he knew the tiny detail about MAGIC was included. "That this boy- This boy!-knows nothin' about- about ANYTHING?"

Dursley was speechless, that much was clear. His mouth mas moving, his body quivering, but no sound was emerging. Vaguely, Hagrid heard Harry say something about knowing some muggle sounding things. He waved the boy off. "About our world, I mean. Your World. My world. Yer parents' world."

Harry's "What world?" Didn't make things any better for "DURSLEY!"

With a visible effort, Hagrid drew himself back under control. He turned back to Harry, disbelief written all across his face, "But yeh must know about yer mom and dad, I mean, they're famous. You're famous." Now disbelief replaced the curiosity on Harry's face, as he denied his parents fame.

Unbelievable! Thought Hagrid, as he mumbled to himself, over and over "yeh don' know…" Finally he realized the underlying truth, a truth so unimaginable, worse even than the unthinkable horror of not knowing about Hogwarts… "Yeh don' know what yeh are?"

Hippo-man made a temporary appearance, but he was defeated once again by his arch-nemesis Hagrid with his Furious Glare special power.

However, his return gave Hagrid a much needed target to let off some steam, "You never told him? Never told him what was in the letter Dumbledore left for him? I was there! I saw Dumbledore leave it, Dursley! An' you've kept it from him all these years?"

Harry was now clearly quite eager to learn the knowledge that his ever-so-loving relatives had hidden. "Kept what from me?" He asked, eyes glittering with glee as he watched his Uncle get verbally dressed down by this strange giant.

Hippo-man's last ditch attempt to foil Hagrid failed miserably, and what Horse-woman thought the gasp was going to accomplish no one would ever know. (Maybe, a Big, Bad Wolf style 'Huff and Puff'?).

"Ah, go boil yer heads, both of yeh, Harry-yer a wizard."

…..

…..

"I'm a what?"

A/N: Thanks for bothering to check this out. I've always loved Hagrid, and had an absolute blast writing this. Hope you think I got him right. If you could please give me some feedback, that'd be great.

Thanks for reading,

Jakyerski