I was feeling emotional so I wrote this chapter.

Disclaimer: I don't own Merlin, just my OCs and this plot.

Hope you enjoy whoever you are.

My Secrets

White snow still covered the ground as I stepped out into the cold of winter alone. The others had gone ahead and I said I would catch up because I had something to do, finish washing the dishes or something like that they must have thought. But it was a lie. There are still those moments where I just want to step into the open and breath in the cold hair. I know I am completely alone, so that I can just take it all in with no distractions. In moments like these I can truly forget everything that has happened to me over the past two years. But soon enough it will come crawling back into my mind, shattering this peaceful moment.

I looked both ways down the street. It was empty, not a soul in sight. I didn't even have that chill feeling running through me that would tell me when I was being watched. For once in my life I was actually completely alone in my own little world. I closed my eyes, letting the world around me disappear.

The Purge hadn't been the beginning of my chain of deceit. There was something there, at the back of my mind, screaming to be heard. A secret, another stupid secret locked up inside me. But this one was different. Not only was I keeping it from everyone around me but I was also keeping it from myself. What was my darkest secret? Not even I knew the answer to that question but I knew it was there. I could feel it.

They say that curiosity killed the cat. If I were the cat then my life would definitely be coming to an end. I wanted to know. I wanted to know my own secret and it might just kill me in the end.

To the others I'm just Joone, or Redwing to a few. I'm just that girl that's in way over her head. There is a feeling deep inside me though. It tells me that I've been in over my head since the day I was born. I protect those with magic, risking my life for them, and they always wonder why. Why do I do all of this for them? Two years ago I never knew most of these people but now they're like family to me.

If I hadn't gotten involved I would be safe and making pots for a living but that didn't happen did it. I didn't just hide a couple sorcerers. I brought them into my life, telling them they could stay as long as they liked because I would always protect them. I would always be there for them no matter what happened.

When people asked why I did it I usually say for adventure and because I care. Both those things are true. I do care. I care enough not to let that happen to anyone no matter who they are. But there's something else, another reason why I do what I do. It's instinct. There's something deep inside me, something I can't quite grasp. A sort of understanding of these people, like I understand them on a deeper level then anyone realizes.

If someone asked me what it was I wouldn't be able to answer, because I don't know. How do you think it feels to not even know who you really are? It's like I'm walking around as only half a person, half a coin. My other side has been lost to the past and I can't find it anymore.

There are people out there who know who they are, and they're afraid. They have to hide who they really are because if anyone knew they'd be killed. Am I hiding? Would I be killed if anyone knew who I was?

I've never told anyone, not even Hunith, but my memories aren't all there. I can't remember anything before I came to Ealdor with who I thought was my family. I was fourteen at the time. That was six years ago. I was so good at lying that no one could tell that I had amnesia. To them I wasn't any different then anyone else.

I've asked my parents in the past because I knew something was wrong. I didn't look like either of my parents like my siblings did. I would have understood if they told me that my parents had given me away. I really would have. But that's not what they said. When I asked who I was all they said was "We don't know."

The people I call my parents say that they just found me one day, washed up on a beach somewhere with no memories. They were kind people and they took me in, but they couldn't hide the truth from me. I wasn't their daughter and they didn't know where I had come from.

The snow is starting to soak into the bottom of my dress but I don't move. I just keep my eyes closed and breath in the cold air of winter. I wrap my shawl tighter around me as the wind picks up. Slowly I open my eyes, checking that there's no one around to see me. I lift my hand up to the scarf that I have wrapped tightly around my head, and I take it off. The fabric hangs loosely in my hands, waving in the wind. My hair falls down to my shoulders. It sweeps across my forehead, feeling soft.

My hair, the secret I know I have kept for six years. The only other people who know are the ones I refer to as my parents. Ever since I came to them they made me wrap my hair, hiding it from the rest of the world. At first I didn't understand but then I looked around at everyone else and I knew I was different. My hair has always been the one visual proof that I was different.

I used to think there was something wrong with me. My hair isn't really bronze like it was in my dream.

I let the cold wind run through my hair, lifting it off my shoulders and blowing in the wind. It felt good to let my hair down. This was what I imagined freedom felt like. There would be no reason to hide anymore, no reason to fear. But that was a lost dream. A wish I had forgotten years ago.

Someday Emrys would free his people and bring peace back to these lands with the help of the Once and Future King as they reunited Albion together. It was a dream that many of those who posses magic share. Some have never heard the story and believe there is no light in the darkness. But others know the truth. There is a light at the end of this tunnel and someday they will reach it.

Something told me that this light wasn't for me. There had never been a light willing to bring me out of this darkness. There was no point in the future where I would be free like them. There is no magic running through my veins but I am not normal like most people these days. I am… something else. No one will ever free me from this cage.

But even in the darkness I am not alone. They do not share the same shadows as I do but they are still close to me. They keep me from falling off the edge. Sometimes I get so close but they pull me back every time. I'm an accomplished liar. In their eyes I am the one protecting them, but the deal goes both ways.

I smile and sing and act normal. I feel fear and anger just like them. I cry and laugh when the time is right. But I am not like them. I can feel it in my heart and it scares me because I don't know what it is, this monster inside me. Like everyone else I am afraid of the unknown.

Sometimes Aida finds me staring blankly out the window, a wistful look on my face. She'll ask if I'm ok but I'll lie every time. "I'm fine, really." I would say, but I'm not fine. I will never be fine. No one in this world will ever truly be fine.

The cold stings my cheeks and I know it is time to go. I lift the scarf up to my head again and wrapped it around and around, slowly hiding my hair beneath it once more. Each time it goes around a little more of it disappears and soon it is completely hidden.

A gust of cold air pushes me from my spot in front of my door. My feet push through the snow as I walk down the street. It's getting late and the sun is beginning to drop beneath the horizon. It was a beautiful sight with all the colours that it splashed across the skies. There were oranges, yellows, and reds. They were warm colours on this cold winter night.

Soon enough I was standing outside the familiar door of a friend. We hadn't visited in some time and out of the blue he invited us over again. Hunith hadn't met them yet. She and the others are already inside waiting for me. She still doesn't know about the incident with the forest fire and it was going to stay that way.

I raze my hand to knock on the door and announce my arrival but I hesitate. Why would I do that? Maybe all my thoughts were just getting to me. I wasn't going to let my lost emotions ruin this night.

My knuckles connected with the cold wood of the door, sending the sound echoing through the house on the other side. After a moment I hear someone make there way towards the door. Then he opened it and let me inside.

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