Lately it seems impossible for me to write a short chapter.

If you have been following so far thank you.

Disclaimer: I don't own Merlin, only my OCs and this storyline.

Hope you enjoy.

I Don't Deserve Their Kindness

I've known Magnus for pretty much three years. I only have six years of complete memory and he has occupied half of that. He did disappear for two however but I never forgot him.

This is what I think of now as I sit on a fence in the field close to the forest, but I am not alone. He wears his hood up incase anyone walks by and recognizes him but there's no one else other then us here on this beautiful morning. The snow has all melted now and the cows are grazing in the field behind us. I can see flowers beginning to pop up with their vibrant colours.

This has been our meeting spot for the last few months. He comes back more often now to see me and to hear how everyone is doing. Every morning I check the windowsill of my bedroom, which looks out behind my house where I can see the fields. If I find a small black feather under a rock, so it will not blow away, then I know that he's here and I go straight away to this spot on the fence to meet him.

It's always early morning when we come here to talk so no one else is awake yet. I've told him about everything that's happened since he was away. I told him about Hunith and Merlin. I even told him about his great destiny. I told the story of how Holt brought Jasper to us and how it reminded me of when he brought Aida to my door in the rain.

The one thing I didn't mention were the flashes of memory I had been having. I hadn't told anyone about them and I didn't plan to. Magnus didn't know about my mysterious past and I find it curious that he's never asked. I could be a murderer before I met him for all he knew. He respected me and never pried. I liked that about him. He knew the importance of keeping secrets.

We had our own little secret after all. I found the little black feather under a small rock on the windowsill early this morning. I pushed it into my pocket, wrapped my jacket around me and snuck quietly out of the house, carful not to wake Hunith and Merlin in the room next to mine.

My feet sped across the green grass wet with fresh dew. My leather boots were worn so my feet inside would become wet quite easily but it didn't matter to me that morning as I sped towards our meeting place. I saw him there, sitting with his back to me on the fence. I snuck up behind him.

"Good morning Blackbird." I startled him off the fence. He spun around to see me laughing and twirling the small black feather in my right hand.

"Don't do that." Magnus put his hand over his heart as if he were going to have a heart attack. "You know I'm always on edge."

"And yet you still risk coming back here to see me." I handed him the feather and he slipped it into his pocket.

"Beautiful morning isn't it?" He got back onto the fence and helped me up as well.

"Yes, very." I looked around at our surroundings. It was so peaceful that morning.

"So how've you been?" He asked me the same thing every time.

"Same as usual. Nothing very exciting has happened." I thought about the time we had spent apart this time, trying to find something to tell him. "Oh, Jasper broke his arm the other day."

"Is he ok?" Magnus didn't know Jasper except for what I had told him but he was one of us so he was family. Magnus cared about family.

"I've had to put it in a sling, but it'll heal." I told him.

"How on earth did he manage it?" He wondered.

"I honestly don't know the details myself. It was on one of their many secret excursions, him and Aida I mean." I explained. "I'm quite sure it had something to do with a falling tree. Aida tells me that he save her life."

"Really Joone, I don't understand why you even let them out of your attic."

"Because, Magnus, they're teenagers and you can't expect them to stay up in a cramped attic for the rest of their lives do you." I looked off into the distance where the sun was rising. "They need their freedom. We all do. Don't worry I gave them a serious talking to after I had taken a look at his arm."

"You know you sound like their mother." He noticed.

"Do I?" I had never really thought about it.

"They're lucky to have you." He got a far off look in his eye.

"You're thinking of your father aren't you?" He hadn't told me much but I knew that his father was missing and that he used to practice magic. His name was Felix Fedele. Maybe that's why Magnus is so set on saving those with magic.

"I just wish I knew where he was." He almost whispered.

"You've been looking for him haven't you?" Magnus had been searching for a safe place so we could move everyone with magic out of the town to somewhere they didn't have to hide. If he could just get them that little bit of freedom that would be enough for now.

"I've heard rumors but they've all led to dead ends. I'm thinking of giving up on him." He lowered his head.

"Don't you say that." I said sternly. "Your father is out there and you will find him one day. You've never been one to give up so don't start now. There are people relying one you."

"It's a lot of pressure." He admitted. "What if I fail? What if I can't save them all?"

"You're just one person. Don't think about saving everyone yet. Just focus on the few for now. If you can save them then you'll be a hero." I tried to boost his self-esteem.

"But what if I can't?" He looked lost.

"I met a boy who thought he could fly once." He looked up slightly to meet my eyes. "He climbed up onto the roof, took a running jump and fell. Do you know what happened to him when he fell?"

"What happened?" Magnus knew the ending to this story but he wanted to hear what I said next.

"He landed on a girl who was walking by, nearly crushed her." He laughed slightly at that. "He never gave up on his dream of flying though. So he built his own wings and became a bird. I've seen him fly. As long as he believes in himself I know he can do anything."

"What happened to the girl that he fell on?"

"She gave him a stern talking to." That made him smile. "And she has never left his side since."

"Kind of a strange way to finally pluck up the courage to talk to a girl right."

"I always thought it was rather perfect. I had been here for three days and on the third a boy decides to fall out of the sky right on top of me." It was the way we had met.

"Oh so the girl was you?" He joked and got a punch in the arm from me for it.

"I've got nothing but trouble from you since that day. First you almost crush me then you decide to drag me on this wild adventure of yours."

"Well the boy didn't want to leave the girl behind after that. He liked to think that it was his job to protect her."

"Trying to make up for almost doing her in himself was he?" I laughed.

"I'm glad you came with me though." The smile disappeared from his face. "But I might have put you in more trouble. I was supposed to protect you and I've gotten you into this mess."

"I wouldn't give up this mess for the world." I admitted. A small smile returned to his face.

"So I haven't completely ruined your life."

"My life would have been boring if you hadn't gotten me into the organization. I don't think I would be able to take being left on the sidelines." I swung my legs off the edge of the fence. "You made my life an adventure."

"But you would have been safe." He explained.

"I'm just as safe as I was before we met." I don't really know why I said that. Was it true? "I've lost people before and I couldn't do anything about it. You gave me a chance to do something. Thank you."

We were both silent for a moment. Magnus pondered what I had just said. He knew I might have been referring to my mysterious past. The words I had spoken seemed to have come from nowhere. Who had I lost? Was it the people in the camp on fire or were there others?

A shot of pain ran through my head. I gasped and my hand flew to my head hoping to stop the searing pain.

"Are you alright?" He sounded worried.

"Yeah, I'm fine." But my words didn't sound sincere. The pain disappeared and I let out a breath of relief. "So where are you going this time?"

"I've gotten some information from a reliable source about a camp somewhere in the forest close to the border where they can be safe." He was still looking at me warily as if I might collapse any minute. "I'm going to try and find it."

"How long will you be?" I lowered my head. This part was always hard, finding out how long it would be before I could see him again.

"A few months, maybe more, maybe less." He wasn't quite certain.

"The others are going to be waking up soon." I noticed that the sun had risen higher in the sky. How long had we been talking for? "I should go back."

"Yeah." He hopped down off the fence and turned around to help me but instead I leaned down and kissed him. He seemed startled so I hopped down myself.

"Something to remember me by." I used the words he had when he first said goodbye.

"How could I ever forget you Redwing." And he used mine.

He watched me go this time. I lifted my skirt so I wouldn't trip over it and ran back to the house. I looked back several times to see him standing there. The last time I looked back he was gone. I stopped and searched for him in the distance but he was gone.

When I got back inside the house I could smell food cooking in the kitchen. I tried to sneak by but I could hear their footsteps behind me.

"Have a nice time?" Hunith asked. I turned around slowly, afraid that she might be angry, but she was smiling. Merlin was crawling around on the floor next to her.

"How long have you known?" I asked.

"For a while. Is he doing fine?"

"Yeah, but I won't see him for a while now. He's following a lead and it's going to be long before he gets back." I explained.

"I'm sorry to hear that. Want to come help me with breakfast?"

"Sure." I followed her into the kitchen. It was a simple mix of wheat and some fruit. When we were done I took two bowls up to the sleepy heads upstairs. When I got up there though they were wide-awake. The smell of the food had woken them up. They were growing teenagers. What was I supposed to expect?

"It smells really good this morning." Aida noted. Jasper nodded in agreement.

The fire was going when I got back downstairs so I decided to dry off my feet, which were still a little wet from running through the dew. From my spot in front of the fire I could hear Hunith cleaning. I didn't notice Merlin crawl in until I felt his small hand on my arm. I jumped, startled, but he only smiled at me, not saying a word.

"What are you doing out here?" I looked back at the door to the kitchen. Did Hunith not notice that he was gone? Well at least he hadn't somehow wandered out of the house. I looked back to see him staring intently into the fire as if he wanted to reach out and touch it. To stop him from acting on any crazy ideas floating around in his head, I lifted him into my lap. He didn't complain, but still didn't take his eyes off the fire. Did he remember our little outing to the woods that ended in flames?

"What's so interesting?" I followed his gaze, trying to understand. "What do you see?"

Suddenly the fire seemed to leap out of the hearth and straight at us. I shrieked and pulled Merlin away quickly before the flames could lick our skin. The fire reseeded back into the hearth as quickly as it had come. I looked down at Merlin who didn't seem to understand what was wrong or why I had seemed so scared.

"Merlin, did you do that?" I pointed at the flames. Merlin looked at me, smiled, and nodded. I was amazed and terrified at the same time. He hadn't even said a word. This was the first time I'd gotten a glimpse of the power he held with in and I didn't know what to think. Should I be grateful that he was powerful and learning fast or should I be frightened at the ferocity of it? But I couldn't blame Merlin; he was only a baby and didn't understand the dangers quite yet.

I looked into his eyes and spoke as clearly as I could, "You mustn't do things like that Merlin." I tried to explain in words he would understand. "You must be careful or else people could get hurt."

I didn't know if Merlin could understand me but the smile disappeared from his face. "You're special Merlin and you have been gifted with magic. In the future I hope you will learn to us it sensibly. This isn't a game." Merlin looked up at me intently as if he could understand every word I had said. "You will have to learn the rules. I'm sorry that this time isn't the best for learning magic my little bird. Its dangerous and you must keep your magic secret. There are people out there depending on you, like Aida and Jasper, to one day free us from these dark times. So you must be extra carful. Do you understand?"

I doubted that he would understand completely the message I was trying to give him but I could almost swear that he had nodded in reply. There was something different about Merlin. Perhaps it was because he was meant for such a large destiny.

"Oh Merlin." I patted his head. "You don't know how special you are. Out of all of us you will be the one they remember. I wish I could be there with you every step of the way but there are some things you have to do on your own. You must learn from your own mistakes."

Merlin was calm and quiet. He blinked several times and I saw his eyes flash gold for a second. It was a beautiful colour, the gold. It signified the power within him. I felt something move on the op of my head. I reached up and realized what Merlin had done. With his magic he had undone the fabric I usually wore around my head. It fell open so that it was just lying on top of my head. If anyone had walked in then they wouldn't have been able to see my hair from the back but there was one person who could see and he was staring up at me with his wide curious eyes.

No one had seen my hair for a very long time. Merlin reached up with his small hands and grabbed a lock of it in between his chubby fingers. He pulled on it lightly so it didn't hurt. I'd forgotten the feeling of someone pulling on my hair.

"It seems we both have secrets we have to keep." I noticed. "At least you know what yours is. I've never told anyone this but I have no memory from before I was fourteen years old. I washed up on shore with no memory. Can you imagine that? I do get glimpses of it sometimes, the time before that is. I still don't understand what happened but it was dangerous."

I went silent but Merlin was still looking at me expectantly as if he expected me to continue. He tugged on my hair again, a little harder this time. Was he trying to ask a question?

"Oh, you want to know about my hair and why it looks this way. I'd tell you if only I knew myself." I got a far away look in my eye as something in my mind pushed to get out. "It's a symbol I suppose. It marks me for what I really am. So everyone knows what I am, like a curse. I was afraid, so afraid of the others. They looked at me and didn't like what they saw, because I am…" Then I snapped out of my daze and remembered nothing more.

What was I? Who were the others? Did I really want to remember?

"Merlin?" I heard Hunith calling from the kitchen, just noticing his absence. "Merlin?"

Quickly I tied the fabric like a bandanna, stuffing my hair underneath and tucking in the pointed end at the back so my hair wouldn't fall out. I heard her steps approaching.

"Mer…" She walked into the room. "Oh. Joone you should have told me he was here and keep him away from that fire, its dangerous."

"Sorry Hunith." I said, standing up with Merlin in my arms. "We were just talking."

"Talking?" Hunith wondered as she took Merlin from my arms, but before she could pursue the question I disappeared into my room.

I shut the door behind me and slid down it, putting my face into my hands. So many questions were buzzing around my head. Slowly I got up and walked towards the small cracked mirror that hung on my wall. I looked over my shoulder at the door, listening to make sure no one was going to come in. Then I looked back at the mirror, seeing my reflection there. I reached up to take the fabric off my head but before my hand could reach it the searing pain attacked my head again.

I clutched my head and fell to my knees. It was much more intense then it had been before. There was ringing in my ears as if someone was screaming. The screaming was emanating from somewhere close by. I turned around and tried to find where it was coming from. Under the screaming I could almost make out words.

I tried to make my way towards the door to get away from whatever it was but as I passed my bed it became almost intolerable. I couldn't move any further. It was most intense here. I peered under the bed. The three boxes were still there. I reached under; my fingers found the smallest one first. As I touched it a shock ran up my arm and it felt like being pricked by a hundred thistles.

A sudden relief ran through me, and the pain stopped, but I could still hear quiet whispering as if it were coming from inside the box. I reached down and slowly, carefully, lifted the lid and looked inside. My eyes widened. There, sitting on the bottom of the box, was a small crystal that seemed to glow on the end of a silver chain. I had never seen it before but somehow it was in one of my boxes.

The crystal was small but the strange whispering sounds were coming from it. I had to know. So I went to touch it. My fingers slid over the surface of the crystal and I lifted it gently from the box. Suddenly sound and pictures bombarded my mind. I was rushed by such emotions that I felt like I was going to explode. Everything seemed to be happening at once.

Then I knew. This necklace was a peace of my past. Somehow it was the reason for so many of my problems. I had stolen it. Right then I knew that I had stolen it and someone wanted it back, someone dangerous. I saw tragedy and loss. They were my memories. I knew they were. It was all from before I had fallen into the sea and forgotten everything. This was what those people wanted but I couldn't let them have it. Why?

My past was darker then I had ever realized. I had wondered for so long about what had happened but I didn't like what I had found. I was running. I was always running, only finding happiness to have it ripped away from me. Would my happiness now be taken away from me like before?

I couldn't take it anymore. I didn't want these memories and I didn't want this past. The person whose memories these were couldn't be me. That girl couldn't be me. I wouldn't accept it, but somehow I knew that I wouldn't have a choice.

The necklace seemed to scream at me, "Remember!"

I let out a horrific scream and threw the necklace back into the box, kicking it with my foot so it would slide under the bed. I didn't want to see it. My hands covered my ears and there were tears running down my cheeks. I backed up, only stopping when I hit the wall.

My scream had been loud enough for others to hear and I could hear their footsteps running towards me. Someone flung open my door and Hunith was the first person to enter, Merlin was crawling at her feet. She looked around and her eyes fell on my pitiful shaking form. I felt her warm arms wrap themselves around me.

"What is it? What happened?" I heard other voices ask as two other people entered the room. Aida knelt down in front of me. I tried to hide my face. I didn't want her to see me like this. Jasper appeared on my other side with wide concerned eyes, his arm in a sling.

"Joone, are you alright?" He spoke calmly and gently put his hand on my shoulder. It was the second time someone had asked me that today. But I wasn't all right and would never be all right again.

Their faces seemed to blur before me. Hunith felt me sway and tightened her grip on me. Their voices faded next and I felt myself slowly slip into darkness. They never left my side and I would always remember their worried faces looking down at me because they cared, but now I had to remember another life when people didn't care.

They were so kind to me.

But I didn't deserve it.

Thanks for reading and please REVIEW! (I'm bagging here)

I'm going back to school tomorrow so I won't be able to update very often.

I haven't been consistent with this story because I kind of got sucked into writing my other one "Buried". You guys should check it out.

Hope you keep following because she is beginning to remember.

See you next time.