Hello to all my lovely readers! I'm so sorry this chapter took a while. I just started high school and life has been crazy so finding time to write has been hard. In any case here is a new chapter. I hope everyone likes it. Make sure to review!
By the time I reach home, I am not only soaked to the bone, but also shaking uncontrollably. When I enter the house Prim and my mother are in the kitchen cooking dinner. They both look up as I storm past. I practically run up the stairs to my room. I sit on my bed and put my face in my hands. After a few minutes I hear quiet footsteps. I look up and see Prim standing in the door way. She comes and sits next to me, wrapping one slender arm around me.
"Katniss are you ok?"
I can't bring myself to speak so I just shake my head.
"What's wrong? What happened?" She asks me this several times, but I just stare out the window.
I don't know what to think, how to feel. I'm left reeling. It feels like I have been shattered into hundreds of small pieces, all clambering for control, seeking to dictate my actions. Part of me is angry, not with Cato, but with myself for allowing this to happen. It tells me that this is my fault, that I deserve all the misery that comes my way. Then there is the part that calls out for Cato's blood. I want to hurt him for all he has hurt me, to avenge Peeta's death. I want to cut to his core with one clean slice. And yet another part of me weeps. I have betrayed everything that I am, but most of all I have betrayed Peeta's memory. But deep down there is another sliver of me, one that is neither hurt nor angry. It makes me feel warm, hopeful, that the moment shared between myself and the blonde boy from 2 could lead to something more. I quickly suppress the thought. Cato will destroy me.
When I finally manage to snap the binds of my mind and come back to reality its dark. Prim is gone. I don't know at what point she left. Someone, Prim or my mother, left a meal for me of bread and warm soup. I try to eat but the food sticks in my throat. Eventually I simply strip out of my still damp clothes and curl up under the heavy blankets.
That night I am beset by horrible nightmares. I watch as Rue, still covered in flowers walks toward me.
"Why didn't you save me? I thought we were allies!" She looks at me with those big accusing eyes. Then she changes until she is no longer Rue, but Prim. She screams for me, but I'm frozen, unable to come to her. Then she too changes. One by one I see them all, Rue, Prim, Gale, the boy from district 1, my arrow still lodged in his throat, Glimmer swollen and disfigured, and finally Peeta. He stands once more on top of the cornucopia. I call his name, just as he falls, just as a mutt rips out his throat.
I awake screaming. Hot tears run down my cheeks.
From that night onward I am beset by nightmares every time I close my eyes. Every night I am forced to relive the games.
When victors talk about their games, they never talk about this. It's the horrible price of victory. The survivors guilt that threatens to crush you, only its worse because not only did you survive when so many others didn't, you killed many of them with your bare hands. I know that it will haunt me for the rest of my life.
I become distant from everyone. Not even Prim can draw me out of my shell anymore. Instead I take refuge in the woods, or else simply lay in bed trapped in my own personal hell.
One night I awake from a particularly terrible dream of Glimmer in mutation form, to find myself in a cold sweat. IT takes me several moments to remember that I'm safe; I'm not in the games anymore.
I look around my room and suddenly feel claustrophobic. I fear if I remain here I'll start screaming again.
I crawl out from under the heavy covers. I cross my room with silent footfalls, the result of so many years of hunting. When I push the door open it creaks slightly and I pause. I don't want to wake Prim or my mother. I don't want to burden anyone else with my problems. I try the door again and this time it swings outward on quiet hinges. I pace down the hall. Halfway to the stairs I stop. A low moan emanates from a door that has been left ajar. It's Cato's room. I hesitate, my fingertips millimeters away from the cool wood of the door, wondering whether to push it open. No doubt I will be intruding on something incredibly private.
The door yields to my fingers. Cato is still asleep, his face illuminated by a ray of moonlight that falls gently through the open window. I can tell by the way the covers are crumple that he has been tossing violently. No doubt he is plagued by nightmares too.
I have never seen him so peaceful before. The hardness of his features seems to soften in sleep, leaving him vulnerable; a simple boy of 18. The beast from 2 looks a mere child. I had forgotten how young we really were; nothing more than pieces in the capitols games.
I turn to leave, as much as I hate Cato even I could not disturb him like this. Just as I draw near the door I hear it. It's so quiet that I think I may have imagined it, but I know it didn't.
"Katniss." It's the faintest whisper. I turn ready to confront him, but he has already dropped back into the terrors of the night.
The next day is one I've been dreading. At noon our prep teams and stylists are coming, then we'll be off on the victory tour.
My mother wakes me early with a cup of warm tea. I dress quickly then head into town. I make sure to bring food from the pantry. Whenever I go out I always make sure to bring food for those who need it.
It's bitterly cold out however, and I am forced to return home much sooner than I had planned. My mother greats me at the door. I can tell by the look in her eyes that something is wrong. Then I see the capitol attendant.
I practically go into overdrive as I try to figure out why they are here. My prep team isn't supposed to be here for a good hour or more.
"There's someone here to see you Katniss." My mother's voice is slightly hysterical. "Its-"
"Right this way Miss Everdeen." The capitol attendant ushers me down the hall to the door of the study. I hesitantly push it open and my nose is assaulted by the scent of blood and roses.
I look into the snakelike eyes of president snow.
Snow was very clear. I needed to perform well. In the capitol people were far too ready to accept us as the new star crossed lovers. However, in some of the districts unrest was growing. People saw Cato and I's refusal to kill one another as an act of defiance against the capitol. It was possible that this unrest could lead to a full on uprising.
Hence snows visit. Cato and I had become symbols of rebellion. We needed to convince everyone that Cato and I are in love, that at the moment when Cato and I faced each other on top of the cornucopia that he was so in love with me that he couldn't bear to kill me.
Of course a lot of the responsibility for the situation falls on Cato's shoulders. He was after all the one who had refused to kill me. However, I am more symbolic than he is: The Girl on Fire, a rallying point for resistance.
"What about Cato?" I asked at one point. "Shouldn't you be warning him?"
Snow licked his overlarge lips, "Cato was raised in district 2. He'll do as he's told."
I raised my chin defiantly, "And what if I don't cooperate?"
His snakelike eyes met mine. "You may not know, but you have many admirers in the capitol Miss Everdeen. Some of them would pay very highly to spend time with you…" He smiled evilly, "…intimately."
The choice is clear then, I love Cato, or I become the capitols next plaything.