A/N - Thank you all for the reviews. I am glad that so many folks are enjoying this story. Thanks again to my betas who are keeping me and my facts in line. LOL Hope you enjoy this chapter. If you do like it or even if you don't please take a moment to let me know what you thought.

Thanks
Alice I

Chapter Three

Arthur knew he would find what he was looking for in fairly short order and was not disappointed. He was able to catch and kill a fat, white-tailed rabbit quickly. The coat was remarkably unblemished and he was very careful while skinning the creature so as not to mar the fur. Once he was done he took the flat of his knife and scraped the connective tissue and fat from the underside of the pelt and wrapped it up tightly to work later. The hide would make a very nice set of mittens for winter; maybe even a gift for a certain maidservant. His next task was to gut the animal and he made sure he worked well away from camp, not wanting to attract any unwanted visitors. He chose a site near the lakeshore so that he could rinse off the carcass as well as the fur once he had scraped it.

As he stood up and stretched, he looked off in the distance and saw a figure standing by the shore about half a mile away and realized it must be Merlin. He watched him for a moment, wondering what the young man was doing. Just as Arthur was about to turn and leave he saw Merlin drop to his knees as he stared out at the lake. The prince watched for another moment before turning to leave. It was obvious that this was a private moment for his friend and Arthur felt as though he was intruding. He gathered up the pelt and the animal and headed back into the forest. He could have gotten back to camp fairly quickly, but he took his time wanting to give the young man some time with his private thoughts.

By the time he did return to camp he saw that Merlin was sitting quietly watching as the sun dipped low in the sky casting long golden streaks across the glassy surface of the water, lost in thought. Arthur scuffed his feet to make some noise announcing his presence causing Merlin to turn his head. When he saw that Arthur had returned the young man got up, but looked a bit stiff. Arthur realized he must have been sitting in that spot for the entire time he had wandered slowly through the forest to get back to camp. Merlin to his surprise waded out into the lake a few feet and reached down into the water. When he stood up again he was holding a long stick that had a point at one end. He looked over at the fire and saw the two forked branches driven into the ground on either side of the fire and realized that the stick must be a spit for roasting the rabbit.

"I see the mighty hunter returns with a ferocious catch!" Merlin joked as he walked up from the lake.

Arthur looked down at the animal he held and shrugged. "It was a lot bigger when it had fur, I'll have you know!"

"I'm sure it was." Merlin smiled at Arthur as he handed over the skinned animal for Merlin to cook.

Arthur sat down to watch Merlin work, having no idea how to cook anything. "Why was the spit in the water?" he asked.

Merlin tied the limbs of the rabbit together before using the spit; running it up through the thick muscle on the side of the spine. "It wouldn't do us much good if the spit caught on fire while the rabbit is cooking."

Arthur nodded thinking that made perfect sense. He was actually surprised he hadn't thought of it himself. Merlin pulled out a small bag tied with a leather thong and Arthur looked on puzzled.

"What's that?" he asked, curiously.

"Gaius has insisted that I carry certain things with me. This is salt. I also have several other herbs in here like sage, mint, comfrey and few others."

Arthur raised his eyebrows in shock. "Really? And what would you be carrying all of that around with you for?"

"Gaius made me sit through a lecture on what to do if I or someone I was traveling with - to which I assume he meant you - was injured or became ill. He has actually made me sit through it twice just to make sure I didn't forget what he told me the first time."

Arthur was very curious now and asked, "Well not that I want to sit through a lecture, but could you give me the condensed version? What does sage do for instance?"

Merlin smiled a little. "Apart from being a decent seasoning it is used for pretty much everything. Gaius said that there is an old axiom; 'How can a man die when sage is growing in the garden?' It's supposed to be used as a tea for stomach problems, although sage tea sounds decidedly unappetizing. You can use it as a compress for wounds, or it can be steeped and drained then pressed and used on bruises. Basically he says if you have sage you have almost everything you need. Personally I just like the taste on meat and in stews or soups."

Arthur smirked and pointed to the herbs Merlin had laid out on a log next to the fire. "So what about mint?"

Merlin got a mischievous glint in his eye. "Yeah, well, mint...that's an aphrodisiac."

Arthur knew that Merlin must be mistaken. "Are you serious? Why on earth would Gaius want you to carry around a love potion? Seriously, Merlin, what's mint really supposed to be used for?"

"Hey, I didn't make this up you know. That is one of its uses, according to Gaius, but he did mention that it had to be mixed with other things to get the desired effect. He wants it in the herb bag because it is good for sour stomachs, breathing problems and coughs. If you make a tea out of it, it actually does help with a bad cough. Personal experience proves that."

Merlin chatted on about the different herbs and what their medicinal attributes were - at least those he could remember - while he prepared the rabbit for roasting and by the time he had the thing securely set over the fire, Arthur had decided to pull out the mead again. It turned out that if Arthur just sat back and didn't try to direct the discussion, he found that Merlin was a pretty good conversationalist. The rabbit roasted as they talked, with Merlin turning the food occasionally. Arthur had to admit that Merlin wasn't a bad cook at all once they had eaten. As the night grew darker Arthur stoked up the fire a little and sat down on the log that they were using as a bench next to Merlin who was staring off toward the moonlit lake. Merlin didn't have the same emptiness in his eyes as he had before, but he still seemed sad when he gazed at the still waters.

"Merlin, why does the lake make you sad?" Arthur couldn't think of a better way to phrase his question, and hoped that a direct approach would work without unnecessarily upsetting the young man.

Merlin shrugged his shoulders but didn't answer, and Arthur decided not to pursue it. It wasn't long before Merlin's head began to droop. He had not had that much mead judging by the heft of the skin, but it was clear that between the scarce sleep he had the night before and the mead the young man was nearly passed out while sitting up. Arthur nudged him awake and told him to get some sleep. Much to the prince's surprise Merlin didn't even attempt to object, but simply did as he was told without comment. He did manage a sleepy, "Night, Arthur," before dropping off into a deep sleep.

Arthur stayed awake for a while longer enjoying the peaceful night air and the nocturnal sounds of the forest before turning in himself. He had not slept much the previous night either and it didn't take him long to fall asleep, but Arthur never really slept soundly when he was out in the world, away from the security of the castle. As a warrior, he never wanted to sleep soundly enough for an enemy to sneak up on him while he slumbered. He therefore woke up when Merlin began to mumble in his sleep, caught in the drama of an unpleasant dream.

Both of them slept later than they normally would have the next morning, waking up long after sunrise. They ate what was left of the roasted cony in a broth that Merlin made from water and the rendered fat from the meat along with a few other dried bits of meat and herbs from his bag. The stew and some bread made a filling breakfast for the young men, and it wasn't long before they were saddled up and ready to move on. As they untied their horses, Merlin gave the lake one last long look and Arthur couldn't hold his tongue any longer.

"Merlin, do you know that you talk in your sleep?" he began speaking in what he hoped was an easy tone.

Merlin turned to face Arthur with a perplexed look on his face. "I do?"

So far so good, Arthur thought. "Yeah, you do, and now I know what's been upsetting you - at least I think I do."

Merlin looked a little uncomfortable now. He obviously wasn't sure what he had said in his sleep and his expression became wary. "Is that a fact?"

"Who's Freya?" Arthur asked, bluntly.

The direct approach seemed to have worked before so he went with it. Unfortunately he didn't get the response he had hoped for. Merlin looked shocked, and even a little afraid. He turned away from Arthur, refusing to speak. Arthur watched as the tension returned to the young man's shoulders while he fiddled with the reins to his own horse, and he got the distinct impression that Merlin was angry - although that didn't make much sense.

Arthur tried to keep his tone as light as he could, wanting to draw Merlin out rather than causing him to get upset enough to shut down altogether. "Come on, you can tell me. Was she a servant in the castle?"

Without turning around Merlin answered in a strained voice. "No, she wasn't a servant in the castle or anywhere else."

Arthur had finally gotten him to start talking and he wasn't going to give up now. "You said, 'I don't want you to go,' in your sleep. So who is she? Where did she go?"

"It doesn't matter - not anymore," Merlin replied, with a slight turn to his head as he acknowledged that he was speaking to Arthur, which only served to encourage the prince to keep asking questions.

"Merlin you love her, that much is clear so, yes, it does matter." Arthur insisted. Merlin didn't answer him. "If you love this girl and she's gone then there is only one thing you can do."

That got Merlin to turn around so that they were facing each other. "Oh, really?" Merlin said, in an almost challenging tone.

"Yes, really. You must follow her."

The sadness that Arthur had seen before flashed across Merlin's features as he spoke so quietly Arthur had to strain to hear what he said. "The thought crossed my mind."

Arthur wasn't going to let this go, not like this. He had finally hit upon what had been bothering Merlin. "So?"

Merlin looked up at Arthur a little confused. "So, what?"

"So, why didn't you?" Arthur felt that the question was simple enough and the solution to Merlin's problem was just as easy.

Merlin heaved a sigh. "I can't."

Arthur crossed his arms over his chest and looked at Merlin skeptically. "Merlin, who was she; why can't you go after her?"

Merlin shook his head and stepped closer to his horse. For a moment Arthur thought that he was going to refuse to answer him, but then he spoke. "She was just a girl, scared and lost. I told her I'd look out for her. We were going to run away together but...that never happened."

Arthur's arms unfolded and his mouth dropped open as he felt like he'd been slapped. "You were going to leave? Seriously?"

The frustration returned to Merlin's face as he looked at Arthur. "Don't look so shocked, Arthur. Two seconds ago you were the one who told me to go after her."

Arthur would not have Merlin turn this around on him, a trait he was very skilled at. "Well, yeah, to bring back with you. I didn't mean for you to leave Camelot altogether." Arthur stopped for a moment and realized how ridiculous and petty he was sounding. He needed to bring this conversation back into a territory he was more familiar with and lighten the mood for Merlin looked ready to leave right now. "I mean honestly, it has taken so long to train you to be a halfway-decent servant!"

Merlin, however, was not in the mood to banter with Arthur. "Oh really? I thought I was the worst servant you have ever had?"

The fact that Merlin was still talking to him encouraged Arthur despite the young man's obvious anger. "Well...maybe not the worst..." Which earned him a glaring look. "What?" Arthur asked in a tone that was almost contrite.

Merlin was clearly upset with Arthur and it showed on his face and how he raised his arms up when he spoke as if imploring the prince to see reason. "You tell me to go after her, but when I tell you that we were going to run away together you get upset. When it's your idea it's okay, but when it's mine it isn't. Don't you see what you're saying?"

Merlin's voice had risen with each statement but he stopped speaking for a second as if trying to gather his thoughts. "This is one of the things that separates us; it's what prevents us from ever being anything more than master and servant. It doesn't matter that you're not acting the master while we are out here; I am still just your servant. I'm not complaining, really I'm not, but it is what separates us. You could never understand because you have never been a servant nor will you ever be. You can't see things from a different point of view if you have no concept of where that point of view is coming from."

Frustration and anger caused Merlin to turn and walk away from Arthur, away from camp, and toward the lake leaving the prince standing there feeling like a spoiled prat. Merlin didn't regret saying what he had to Arthur; he just wished their trip hadn't been spoiled by the argument. He stared out over the water, wondering when Arthur would declare the argument and the trip over. He heard soft footfalls and turned his head to see Arthur approaching.

"I'm sorry, Merlin. I was being a selfish prat."

Merlin was once again struck by the completely uncharacteristic behavior of the prince. He never apologized, even when he was clearly in the wrong; at least not openly like this.

"Listen, all kidding aside, if you love this girl then you have to go after her," Arthur said, in a quiet but earnest voice.

"I can't," the young man replied simply.

Arthur placed his hand on Merlin's shoulder as he spoke to him. "You have to. You will regret it for the rest of your life if you don't try. Forget what I said earlier. You need to follow her, make her understand how you feel."

A sad little smile turned up the corners of Merlin's mouth. "She knows how I feel."

"But she didn't feel the same?" Arthur asked, sounding a little confused.

Merlin had been looking down at the ground, but he looked up now out at the lake. "No, she did, she wanted us to be together more than anything."

Arthur honestly didn't see the problem which was clear in his voice as he announced brightly, "That settles it, you must go after her."

Merlin just shook his head. He knew perfectly well that Arthur didn't understand, but he was too drained emotionally to try and explain it to him so he simply said, "I can't."

"Why the hell not?" Arthur almost shouted, causing Merlin to turn and face him. The prince looked frustrated and exasperated. His hands rested on his hips as he stared at Merlin waiting for an answer.

"I can't follow her where she has gone."

Arthur now crossed his arms over his chest in his classic stance of stubborn insistence. "I don't believe that. You said that it had crossed your mind to follow her."

Merlin just shook his head. "You don't understand."

Arthur decided to play the bulldog again and refused to back down. "I don't need to understand. You need to find her, make her understand that you can't live without her."

Arthur's choice of words cut a hole into the young man's heart. He would never go on like this if he understood what he was talking about, but it just wasn't something Merlin was prepared to discuss. "I have no choice."

"You always have a choice, Merlin."

Merlin normally believed that statement to be true, but it obviously didn't apply in this case. He had grown tired of this conversation and arguing with Arthur so he turned away from Arthur and slowly walked back to camp and the horses.

Judging by the triumphant tone in Arthur's voice he obviously thought he'd won the argument. "So we will go and find her right now," he said, in a tone that stated that the matter was settled.

Merlin realized that this would go on forever unless he told Arthur the truth about Freya, or at least part of the truth. He turned to face Arthur so that his words could not be mistaken. "I don't need to find her, Arthur. I already know where she is."

Before Merlin could finish Arthur interrupted, "That's perfect; which way do we go?"

"She's right here."

Arthur looked around not understanding. "Where?"

Merlin pointed to the lake, now behind the young prince. Arthur glanced back at the still waters, clearly missing the point. He turned back to Merlin with an uneasy look on his face as though he had begun to regret asking the question. "What, she's in the lake, she lives on the other side, what?"

"You asked me last night why the lake made me sad. It's where I laid her to rest," Merlin told him, and then he turned back to the horses and took a hold the reins as he checked his own saddle straps.

Arthur looked back at the lake as comprehension dawned on him. "She's dead? I... How?"

Merlin didn't even turn around. How could he tell Arthur that he was the one who killed Freya without also telling him who she really was? "It doesn't matter."

Arthur stepped up behind Merlin and once again placed a hand on the young man's shoulder. "I'm so sorry, Merlin. Really I am."

"I know." Merlin replied, as he mounted his horse and rode away from the camp, the lake, and Arthur.

Arthur watched as Merlin's horse trotted slowly up the hill toward the rise they rode over yesterday. He now understood why the young man had been so unnaturally quiet and sad. As he mounted his own horse a thought occurred to him and he felt like someone had dumped icy water down his gut. He kicked his horse into a gallop to catch up to Merlin and as he pulled up along side the young man Arthur looked over at Merlin considering how best to broach the subject that he knew he couldn't avoid. Thus far the direct approach had worked the well, and Arthur didn't believe in fixing what wasn't broken.

"Merlin, I understand that you don't want to talk about Freya, but I have to ask you - did you really consider following her... in death?"

Merlin turned his head and looked at Arthur. He didn't answer right away and seemed to be mulling the question over in his mind, which unsettled Arthur immensely. "I miss her, Arthur. The pain of losing her was so powerful that for a moment I wondered if I died too, would I be able to be with her forever? Obviously it was only a passing thought."

Arthur reached over and grabbed the reins to Merlin's horse and brought both animals to a stop. Merlin's answer was terribly upsetting to him and he was going to make his opinion on the matter very clear. "You say that you believe in me, but how true can that be when you don't trust me?"

Merlin frowned at the accusation. "I do trust you, Arthur, with my life."

"Do you? Merlin I have shared my deepest thoughts with you about Guinevere, about the future of this kingdom, even about my doubts concerning some of my father's laws, but you don't talk to me when you have actually considered taking your own life. It ultimately has nothing to do with whether or not I can see things from the perspective of a servant because I'm a prince. It comes down to trust. The thought may have been fleeting in your mind, but it was still there!"

Merlin looked down, not seeming to want to face Arthur.

"I really do understand why you have been so upset, but please, Merlin you must promise me that if you ever feel this way again you will talk to me. No one should have to bear grief like this alone. You must never ever keep this kind of thing from me again."

Merlin hadn't looked up yet so Arthur called his name more sharply to be sure he was looking into the young man's eyes. "Merlin! I mean it. If I have to make it an order I will, but I hope that you will finally understand that you can come to me with anything."

Arthur shook his head slightly still stunned by what Merlin had revealed. "I can't believe that you actually considered, even if only for a moment, ending your own life! Is this why you feel trapped? You wanted to die, but because you feel bound to me; because you believe in me; you can't?"

Merlin just shook his head. "You're making too much out of a transitory impulse."

"I know we tease each other all the time, I call you worthless, you call me a prat, but I'd be lying if I said that I wasn't glad that you feel chained by your belief in me. Whatever I have said to you or about you in jest or otherwise, I would never want to see you die, by anyone's hand. Least of all by your own," he added.

Merlin was starting to get frustrated and threw his hands up in the air. "I wouldn't take my own life, Arthur. It was a fleeting thought brought on by grief."

Arthur wanted to believe Merlin, but the thought that the young man had even considered suicide disturbed him to his core. "I may never have loved someone and lost them, but I do know that you can't keep feelings like this bottled up inside. If you believe in me so much then you must also trust me. Merlin, these are powerful emotions for someone who has lead such a sheltered life, and I'm asking you to trust me the same way you believe in me."

Merlin stared at Arthur long enough that they both started to feel a little foolish and then a crooked grin turned up the corners of the Merlin's mouth. "I promise that the next time I get the urge to fall on your sword - you'll be the first to know about it."

End Chapter Three