I want to go back to sleep, but I'm restless. Images from yesterday begin to flood into my mind. The attack, the fiery crashes, the faces of the wounded who don't exist anymore. I can see death from all sides. The last moment before seeing a boulder hit the ground, feeling the burn from a catapult and the dizzying nosedive into oblivion, the hospital roof falling down at me while I'm pinned helplessly to my bed. Things I saw, in person. Things I caused with a flap of Toothless's wings. Things I will never be able to release from my memory.
I stop trying to sleep after my first few attempts are interrupted by unspeakable nightmares. After that, I just lie still and do fake breathing whenever my dad checks on me. I have training, but Gobber's scheduled to work with my dad on weapons or something, so I get permission to take Skullette to the woods. After I drop off my Dragon Conqueror suit to the seamstresses, we head to the woods. We wander around for awhile. We don't shoot anything, I guess it's because I have special orders to take it easy.
When we reach a meadow, blooming with banks of wild flowers in beautiful shades of violet and yellow and white, we sit quietly. We stay silent so long that a buck wanders into range. Skullette takes it down with an arrow. But we don't haul it back to the village just yet. Skullette doesn't mind me not talking, and doesn't even bother to ask if anything's wrong. Not that I want to talk about it. Most of it she knows is because of what happened on Outcast Island yesterday. But another part of it is about Astrid.
My mind wasn't fully operational when she had, supposedly, kissed me in my bedroom last night. I was halfway asleep, but if she did, I wonder why. Well, obviously I know why, but I still want to know. Was it because I was hurt? Or because I'm with Skullette? Her kissing me for that sends me over the edge in anger. She had all those chances, all those years to make a move. And now, now that I have someone, she suddenly likes me?! I can't stand it! If she keeps this up, she'll just get me confused. Because as much as I hate to admit it, even to myself, I still have feelings for her.
A pain stabs my left temple and I press my hand against it. I don't know why, but the thought of Astrid and Skullette together in my thoughts, doesn't quite mix well together. I look to the clear blue sky, not a cloud. A Gronckle and a Monstrous Nightmare fly together. I tell Skullette we can head back if she wants. She agrees. As haul the buck together back to the village and get a reasonable price from the local butcher for the while things. I honestly think he paid more than our price because of my fight yesterday.
Walking back to my house, Toothless comes out through the front door and greets me with tentative licks on the cheek. I guess even he wants to be gentle with the fear of hurting me. Skullette leaves to go talk to her dad, so I fly with Toothless around the island after grabbing my sketchbook from my house. We pass by the Cove, and settle there until early evening. I draw Toothless poised on a rock, hanging upside down from a branch, and even a beautiful blue-green moth landing on his tail. The evening is so peaceful, I smile.
For the next week, I'm required bed rest, and minimal training so I don't overwork my muscles too much. It's just basic shooting with Gobber, switching between him and Skullette. I rarely see Astrid, and when I do, we avoid eye-contact. She even acts like the kiss never happened. And while I am upset about it, I'm actually more grateful.
Nothing happens while I'm out for the week. My dad does send out fleets of medic ships, but he saves the war vessels that'll be sailing to Outcast Island for me. During my 'downtime' as I like to call it, I fly around the village and the woods with Toothless. My joining of the army has left little to no attention for him. And yet he still protected me when the catapults fired back on Outcast Island.
One day, we spend the entire day, flying, eating, and hanging out in the Cove. We walk and we practice tricks and aerial attacks using old tree stumps as targets. It feels good getting to spend time with my best friend.
Flying back to the village one day, we stop by Dragon Academy. Gobber had taken over in my absence, and now they're running through shooting drills. Toothless lands just outside the entrance and we walk in as Ruffnut and Tuffnut are about to shoot at a target. They miss, leaving a black circle the size of a wagon wheel on the stone wall.
"Ah! Hello Hiccup! Walking around stretching those warrior muscles, eh? Nothing stops you." Gobber says with genuine happiness.
"Uh, sure. But may I ask why I should be?" I ask.
"Oh, your dad's planning on sending out another fleet to Outcast Island. I guess he wanted to tell you, but I guess I gave it away. So act surprised when he brings it up." He says. I promise to act surprised.
"I have to admit, I've missed having you teach us at the Academy, Hiccup. Gobber just makes us run through different fighting drills, and it's really getting us tired. Meatlug especially. She's very particular." Fishlegs says.
"I'll keep that in mind, Fishlegs," I say.
I look around the arena and find what I normally would. Ruffnut and Tuffnut banging heads together, as well as their dragons. Hookfang fighting with Snotlout. Fishlegs petting Meatlug. And Astrid petting Stormfly, in an attempt to unacknowledged me. Knowing we'll have to face each other sooner or later, I walk over and tap her shoulder. She turns and I take her wrist. Surprisingly, she doesn't protest.
We hop on Toothless and fly off into the woods, down back to the cove. She's quick to hop off of Toothless and just walk around the water. I get off and walk slowly up to her, like I learned how to with prey from Skullette. We don't say anything for a while, instead, we walk around the cove, listening to the birds, and the clicking of insects. Finally, the silence annoys me.
"Astrid, we need to talk." I start.
"Obviously, if you dragged me out here." She counters.
"Look, I just want to know why you kissed me." I say.
"Isn't it obvious?!" she says with a sudden burst of anger.
"No, obviously not!" I counter back.
"I like you Hiccup! Why else would I do that?!"
"Oh, well excuse me for not figuring it out since all you've ever done is punch my arm! Repeatedly!"
"That's how I show affection!" Astrid says.
"Well it hurts! Not only that, it's confusing! Look, you still haven't answered my question as to why!" I yell.
"Yes I did! I just told you!"
"Not that 'why'. I meant, why now?! Why out of EVERY other time you could've kissed me, you chose now to do it! When I have a girlfriend?!" I'm shouting to her.
"I-I don't know! Okay?! I don't know!" she yells.
"That's not an answer!" I counter using her own words.
"What do you want from me Hiccup?!" she asks.
"I want you to back off!" I say.
Her face shows confusion, hurt, and anger. "What?"
"I want you to back off! So what, now that I have a girlfriend you suddenly like me?! Is that it?!"
"I-I-. . ."
"Don't you understand how long I've waited for you, Astrid? Do you?!" I ask.
She tells me with an almost imperceptible shake of her head. "Can't you see I've wasted years of my life chasing after you? Even after I had saved the village, even after you kissed me, you never showed me you cared."
"I cared plenty!" she snaps back.
"Not enough to become a couple! And it's not like I'm begging for it, it's just, you had your chances, Astrid! You had all of those years, and you choose now, to like me?!"
"It's not that simple Hiccup!"
"I know it probably isn't, but I don't want you interfering with my relationship! Do you understand?!"
She's quiet, and I can see a reflection in her blue eyes. After all that, I try to calm my voice. "Look Astrid, I won't deny, I've liked you for awhile. But you never even gave me a chance. All of those kisses, while well enjoyed, they felt like nothing more than, rewards. I mean, we never held hands, we never went on a date. I've been waiting for that for so long. And you never gave it to me. And now, I have Skullette,"
Just the mention of her name I can see Astrid clench her fists and tighten her jaw. "I'm not saying we can't be friends, but, I just can't afford to kiss you without my feelings getting jumbled. You make me feel, confused. And I don't need that right now. I'm sorry, but I just feel like, you'll bottle me up all over again."
Astrid's facial expression softens, and I think she finally understands now. That I'm not totally shutting her out of my life, that we can still be friends. "So where do we go from here?" I hear her ask. Her voice caught at the end of her question. I look up and she's staring at me with those blue eyes. Which I now see, have a touch of pure innocence.
"I'm not saying you don't still have a chance, I'll admit, you do," she steps closer, with a slight hopeful expression. "But not while I'm with Skullette. It'll just be too confusing."
Her shoulders drop, she's admitted defeat, and while she tries to sound strong, when she talks, her voice, squeaks, "Okay."
Astrid, who I've never seen cry, has tears in her eyes. To keep them from spilling over, I walk over, gently cradle her hand, and press my lips to hers. She tastes of honeysuckle and sea water. A strange taste for such a gentle kiss. I'm the first to pull away, and when I do, she gives me a wry smile.
"Goodbye, Astrid."
"Bye Hiccup."
With that, I hop on Toothless and fly off to, anywhere. I'm not concerned with leaving Astrid in the woods. She knows them as well as I do. Plus, the ride back together would be too awkward. We need to be alone. As Toothless and I ride through the clouds, it wasn't until a cold breeze braises my cheek that something feels off. Out of nowhere, tears begin to pour down m cheeks. I wipe my eyes, but more keep coming, like a waterfall. My knuckles too, are also white, from holding too tight, and my jaw clenched.
When I release them one by one, it's liked I had knocked down a mental wall that had been put up to prevent me from falling apart. But now, there's nothing. I swallow hard and my throat tightens. And that's when I start crying. As the tears come out, so does every emotion I've held in. From the loss of the patients in the hospital, to fighting with Astrid, to even back when I had fought with my dad.
Everything that I've withheld for the past, years. My diaphragm begins to hurt, since I'm constantly gasping for breath between sobs. I clutch my middle to dull the pain. Some weird sound comes out of me. Part crying, part singing. Giving voice to my despair. I lean forward, my elbows leaning on the handles off Toothless's saddle, my head braced between my fists. There's no stopping my tears now. And the sobs. And the cries.
Toothless's ear tickles me elbow, and I know he's trying to get my attention. But I just brush him away, and he knows. He has to take control. There's no way I can steer in my condition. He must know not to take me home, because he steers himself around mountains, turns when required, and then lands in some area of the woods I'm unfamiliar to. I lazily get off, my legs feeling weak, and practically half-crawl, half-drag my body until my back's pressed against a tree.
I pull my knees into my chest, and my head is still braced between my hands. Even when my sobbing has ceased, I wait until my eyes are normal, and when my nose is only fairly congested. There's some cracking in the woods, but I don't move. If a pack of wild dogs were to attack right now, the chances of me scaling up a tree before their teeth impale my flesh are slim to none.
The rustling gets louder, and while Toothless stands, ready to attack, I stay as motionless at the tree behind my back. Two Vikings break through the foliage. Mulch and Bucket. Toothless relaxes and so do my muscles.
"Oh, hello Hiccup. Mr. Dragon Conqueror." Mulch jokes and I give him a weak smile.
"What's a matter Hiccup? Did the cod we gave you spoiled?' Bucket asks.
"Uh, Bucket, why don't you go and collect some berries." Mulch suggests.
"What kind, Mulch?"
"Anyone, just not the blue ones." Mulch reminds him. And with that, Bucket disappears into a gathering of greens.
"Okay, you've got thirty seconds before he comes back, so what's up?" I ask.
"I think the real question is, what's up with you?" Mulch retorts.
"I-I have no idea what you're talking about, Mulch." I defend.
"Oh don't you?" his finger catches a stray tear from my chin.
There's rustling and Bucket returns asking what color was he not supposed to get. Mulch repeats his answer and he's gone again.
"Now, what's wrong?" he asks.
I take a deep breath, "Just, everything."
"Care to be more specific?"
"It's this whole, Dragon Conqueror thing. Already I've lost lives. I couldn't protect those patients. And now they've paid the price." Fresh tears fill my eyes and blur my vision. "I don't know if I can do this, and I'm just getting started."
"No one said this would be easy, Hiccup. And it doesn't make you a bad person if you cry. Everyone cries."
"It's bad if I do." I say.
"And why's that?" Mulch counters.
"Because," I spring to my feet. "I'm supposed to be 'The Dragon Conqueror'. I'm supposed to be the face of Berk. And just how would it look, if the mighty 'warrior hero' cried after his first day in battle?! I shouldn't have even joined the war."
Mulch gets up and walks over and places a hand on my shoulder, "Hiccup, I know you're under a lot of pressure. But I have to tell ya', you're handling this a lot better, than anyone ever expected. And frankly, I'd be worried if you didn't cry. If you weren't sad."
I look to him in confusion, "You have a strong heart Hiccup. And that's something that no one can ever break."
"But I'm still weak since I cried. Some role model I'll be in the future."
"I don't think you're crying because you're weak, Hiccup. It's because you've been strong for too long." He says.
I look to him and he has a soft smile on his face. "But, I've only been in one battle."
"Not just that, the war with dragons, and probably several other things as well. Don't give up too soon." I crack a smile.
As soon as Bucket returns, they both leave to head back to the animal farm. I fly back home with Toothless not long after. It's around late evening when we arrive. I greet my dad whose home with Gobber, and just head upstairs. I throw myself in bed both physically and emotionally exhausted, and try to sleep as best I can.
In the morning, I don't have the time or energy to nurse my wounded feelings. But I strangely have a brief feeling of happiness. The sensation's so unexpected and sweet, I cling to it, if only for a few moments. I'm roused at dawn once again, slap on my Dragon Conqueror uniform, and head down to the docks for takeoff.
While we're surrounded by clouds, I rekindle that old feeling of joy and freedom I had whenever I went flying. It's rejuvenating.
It's the only pleasure I have to hold onto before the gritty sand, and the ominous mountains demand a return to reality.