"Hey! Let me help you," Tyler jumped up from his chair and over to Addison.
"Ty I'm fine, really. I can get up on my own," Addison protested, slowly using her arms to push herself off the bed. Her abdomen was still sore and tender but it was becoming progressively easier for her to move around on her own. The impact from being slammed against the railing when the ferry hit the rocks had caused internal bleeding that had to be surgically repaired. Her body was healing but Addison had never realized how much she had taken being able to do minor tasks for granted.
Tyler watched her anxiously, standing within reach incase Addison fumbled. "The nurse said you're going to be able to go home soon," Tyler told her, his face beaming with happiness.
"Ya…" Addison replied, her voice trailing off.
"Most people are a bit happier to go home. What's wrong Adi, the hospital food better than your own cooking?"
"Shut up Ty!" Addison punched him playfully in the arm, laughing, "I am happy to leave this place, it just doesn't feel like I'm going home."
Tyler placed his hands on her shoulders gently. He would have hugged her but that hadn't gone over well the last time, "Don't worry. We will make a new home now. It will be way better."
That didn't lift Addison's mood. Of course she was looking forward to moving her family. She had been in touch with a woman renting out a small house who had agreed to meet with her once she was discharged. Tyler had been elated when she told him they could move and Addison had given him some money to fill the fridge and get some new school clothes. The delight on his face when he told her about he and mom eating steak for dinner was wonderful to her. Yet something still felt wrong and Tyler was the one to put it into words for her, "You feel like you already have a home back there don't you?"
Addison nodded, "But it doesn't matter, I couldn't leave even if I wanted to. And I don't even own that land anymore, I signed it away."
"We actually need to talk about that," Gill called out from the doorway. Addison's stomach knotted when she saw him. He had come away from the accident with minor cuts and bruises but the fact that he had risked that and gone into the water made her suddenly not know how to act around him. Before it was easy, they were acquaintances, friends maybe. But now she felt indebted to him and didn't know how to handle that.
"What is there to talk about? I already sold it. It is done." Addison replied bitterly.
"The paperwork didn't even start to get processed until Monday afternoon. It didn't go to the buyer for the final signature by the time we left."
"Why does that even matter? I can't take it back. That wouldn't be right. It will be signed and that is that," Addison sat back down, feeling defeated.
"No, it won't be signed. The buyer owned a really small plot of land on the island where he grew trees. He traveled back and forth between Castanet and the mainland to sell his fruits at the farmer's market. He was on the ferry with us and not everybody was as lucky as you Addison."
Addison sat in silence as the news sank in. This complicated things. Knowing it was done with was something she could move past. She could live with regret. Now she was forced once again to make a decision that had seemed a lot easier the first time around.
"Let me see if I understand what you're saying correctly. The home and the ranch are still mine?"
"That is exactly what I'm saying," Gill responded, unable to suppress his grin.
"It doesn't matter. I can't go. I told you that. I have obligations here."
"You should go," Tyler responded, taking her hand.
"And what about you and mom? I can't just walk out on you," Addison protested in frustration. Why did nobody else seem to understand that she couldn't just pick up and leave?
"I'm almost sixteen you know," Tyler straightened his shoulders as he said this, trying to look stronger and more grown up.
"Sixteen is still a kid," Addison pointed out.
"Adi listen to me. When you were sixteen you were taking care of me. Back then I didn't appreciate it as much, it was just the norm for me. But now that I'm that age and seeing how much I get to do because you didn't I'm not sure I could make the same decision and still be as loving about it as you were. My whole life it has been you who did everything for me. Now I'm old enough to pick up where you left off but you need to do something for you. I hate seeing you base your whole life off of us, you should do something that makes you happy for once."
Addison's eyes watered up as she listened to her brother's words. She hadn't realized how grown up he had become. She had always worried that her young self wouldn't be capable of making sure he became a mature, caring young man. She worried that seeing the actions of their mother would turn him cold. Her biggest fear would be that he would start drinking like their mother. Yet his words melted away every one of those fears. He wasn't an adult yet, and had a lot to learn, but it was clear to Addison what sort of man he was going to become and that made her proud. But the weight of her responsibilities was still bearing down on her shoulders. "I can't decide this right now, not like this."
"You don't have to. The land is yours until you decide otherwise," Gill reminded her.
The decision weighed heavily on Addison's mind for the next couple weeks. Once she was discharged from the hospital Gill went back to Castanet with Addison's promise to keep in touch. Tyler and her took up the task of packing up their apartment but Addison was still sore and could only help so much. Her mother showed very little happiness upon seeing Addison but was more than happy to take advantage of the food in the fridge. Addison tried to talk to her about the island but that caused her mother to retreat into her room angrily. Disappointment was something Addison was used to but this strung particularly bad, she was hoping that maybe her mother could talk to her about what she should do. She should have known better than to depend on her. Still she managed to keep herself upbeat. A couple days after leaving the hospital she bought a used Toyota Corolla in electric blue – her favorite color. Tyler was signed up for driving lessons so he wouldn't have to always come straight home to their mother after class. That was Addison's biggest struggle with working so much, the fact that while she was working it was just Tyler and her mother at home. Some days were fine with their mother hiding in her room or not coming home until late in the morning but some days were harder where their mother would get violent or ill and Tyler would have to take care of her alone while Addison was gone.
One morning while Addison and Tyler were having breakfast they received a pleasant surprise. The section of the ferry her and Gill were sitting in was one of the least damages parts of the ferry and they were able to recover the boxes they were traveling with. Addison was dumbstruck, she had written those boxes off as lost. Looking back she couldn't help be annoyed that Gill was right – he had insisted on labeling all the boxes with her address even though Addison had been convinced that wasn't necessary. A part of her wondered what would have happened if she hadn't stepped outside to make that phone call, she most likely wouldn't have been injured at all. But did she want that? She wasn't sure if the meeting with her father was a dream, or a delusion, or if she had temporarily crossed over into the world of the dead. But she was sure that she wouldn't have wanted to miss out on that.
Addison rummaged through one of the boxes and called Tyler over, "I want to show you something," she told him as her face glowed with happiness. She pulled out her Harvest Queen bear and presented it to him.
"This was my absolute favorite toy as a child. My father gave her to me one year when I was scared about a bad harvest, he told me she was the Harvest Queen and as long as I had her with me I would never go without."
Tyler laughed, "It is hard for me to imagine strong, responsible Addison playing with bears."
Addison couldn't help but laugh too, "I also used to try to take baths in the cow's water. I was a weird kid."
"I said you were strong and responsible, I didn't say you weren't weird. That hasn't changed," Tyler teased.
"Well good luck ever being normal having been raised by weird."
This was wrong the decision was so hard for Addison. There was a lot she hated about home. But there was also a lot she loved. She loved the way Tyler would make her breakfast and let her sleep in on her days off. She loved their teasing fights of how Tyler had learned much of sarcastic wit. Even though he was older she wasn't sure he was old enough to do what she had done for years. And even if he could, why should he. She had already committed her life to fixing her mother's errors, why make two lives be committed to that if she could carry the burden fine on her own. Her brother was smart and excelled in school. He had dreams of college and travel. Addison had gotten by okay in school but had never loved it like Tyler did. Tyler played sports and had friends and had even had a girlfriend or two. No use in wasting that.
The day they left the apartment for good was one of the happiest of Addison's life. The house they moved into was a small, two-bedroom house in a nicer, quieter part of the city. The bus didn't stop here but that didn't matter anymore. Tyler insisted on Addison not carrying any boxes in even though she assured him multiple times she was healed enough to carry the small ones at least. Light filled the home, spilling down onto the newly laid beige carpet. The walls were freshly painted a light blue that was refreshing after living with only white walls for so many years. The living room connected to the kitchen, which was twice the size of their small apartment kitchen. The new stainless steel fridge stood out among the light wooden cabinets and tiled floor. From the living room was a small hallway which ended at the master bedroom with the second bedroom and bathroom splitting off in either direction. Tyler had tried to convince Addison to take the master bedroom and even though she wanted it and a part of her felt she deserve it, she gave it up to their mother out of respect. Their mother said little about the house, nonchalantly pointing out that there wasn't as much pantry room as she had hoped and that she had wanted a fireplace.
The first night in their new home they didn't have much furniture yet. Addison had decided to trash much of the stained, old furniture from the apartment. The new dining room table and television had been delivered but the couch was still a couple days away. She hadn't bought anything for the bedrooms because they wanted to get a feel for the rooms before deciding how to furnish them. After a dinner of pizza and making microwave smores Addison and Tyler laid their sleeping bags in the living room. Their mother had decided she would rather sleep alone in her room and had locked the door behind her.
"We should get bunk beds for the room" Tyler suggested after Addison switched the television off.
"No way. Get your own bed. We're not little kids you shouldn't have to share. You need your space."
"Well where the hell you going to sleep then?"
Addison shrugged, "I made sure the couches I picked out were comfortable enough."
"You are not sleeping in the living room in your own home, that is insane," Tyler argued.
"Think about it Ty. I work most of the time. You actually spend time at home, you can have friends over and a space to do your homework. You need the space more than I do."
"Why did you get a two bedroom Adi?" Tyler asked, his voice turned serious.
"What, not good enough for you? I thought it was a nice size."
"Don't get me wrong. I love it. But it seems to me if you really wanted a bedroom for yourself you could have pushed the extra for a three bedroom."
Addison bit her lip. She wasn't sure how to answer Tyler's question because she wasn't sure herself. Maybe it was the fact that this home was in an area where she wouldn't worry late at night. Maybe it was the small yard in the back or actually having a garage to park her new car. Maybe she had just felt a certain charm about this house. Or maybe it wasn't any of those things.
"I don't need a bedroom Ty. I don't even have that much stuff, I could easily fit my junk into the closet out here."
"Or maybe you already have a bedroom," Tyler suggested.
Addison rolled over facing away from him, "Sleep now. Conversation over."
"Hey! You can't do that!" Tyler protested, but Addison responded only with some fake, overdramatic snoring and didn't give in.
The following morning Addison dropped Tyler off at school. He tried to continue the conversation from the night before but Addison kept changing the subject until he gave up. Once he got out of the car it dawned on her that she had no idea what to do with herself. She had taken fewer shifts at work now that she wasn't as desperate for money. At first she had spent her days resting and then packing. But now that she was feeling rested enough and the packing was done she wasn't sure what else to do. The home had been fully cleaned before they moved in so there wasn't even anything to clean up. She started driving without any real destination in mind so she was quite surprised in herself when she ended up at the docks again.
She got out of her car and wandered down to where the ships were pulling in. Bulletins were posted informing passengers that travel to and from Castanet was suspended indefinitely. Gill had told her that the majority of travel between Castanet and the mainland was produce and goods, not as much visitors or tourists. There was only one ferry that actually went back and forth between the two. Gill had to call in a favor from his friend Pascal to even get home after the ferry crash. From the docks Addison could clearly see the rocks the ferry had crashed into. It was crazy to her how close to the dock the ferry had actually been, how just being turned a tiny bit could have prevented a disaster. But Addison held no ill will towards the ferry captain, the fog that day had been thick and she knew she couldn't have done any better. Still, staring out at water that almost took her was surreal and made her shiver. In the first week following the accident the docks had been decorated in memorials for the deceased – flowers, pictures, cards, crosses. But now life was moving on as if nothing happened.
Addison wondered how life would have been if there had been a memorial for her on that dock. Would she have been happy with her life? She had always done whatever life called upon her to do. She had accepted her responsibilities as gracefully as possible. But that didn't necessarily mean she would have been happy or done anything she had wanted to in life. She sat down on a bench and dug through her purse, pulling out a pen and an old receipt. On the back of it she started listing anything she could think of that she wanted to do now that she had another chance. Going on a date was the first thing on her list. She chuckled after writing that, scribbled it out and replaced it with get married. Aim big right? Not only did she just want to be married but also she wanted a family. She had enjoyed being there for Tyler, as much as it was a lot of responsibility it was one she had genuinely loved. She continued scribbling down her list – see Tyler finish school, convince her mother to attend AA, the list went on. Addison frowned when she reached the bottom of her paper. Her whole list was dependent on the actions of others. She didn't have any dreams that were truly her own.
That discovery weighed heavily on her mind throughout the day. She was silent as they sat down for dinner that evening. Tyler was talking excitedly about his plans to paint his room but Addison was barely hearing it. This didn't go unnoticed by Tyler, "Hey Adi, what the heck is wrong with you today? Not feeling well?"
"I'm fine," Addison mumbled, picking at her chicken.
"Then help me out here! I want to make this house a home. Our home."
Addison laid her fork down onto the table and looked right at Tyler. Her mind was a flurry of emotions and her stomach knotted as she spoke, "Actually Ty, I feel like I already have a home."
Tyler stared back at her as her words started to make sense to her. Once they did he smiled slightly and nodded, "About time you realized that."
"You won't be sad?" Addison was racked with guilt. Since writing her list she had realized more than ever she needed to make some decisions for herself and really needed some time alone to discover what she wanted from life. But that didn't make the idea of leaving Tyler any easier to swallow.
"Of course I'll be sad. But I'll survive Adi. You can't base this decision off of me, or off of mom. You know how guilty I felt when you almost died? I was so upset that your life could be over and the only thing you would have done was work in a restaurant for mom and I. You need to do more than that."
Addison nodded, "I do need that. And I will."