Chapter Four: Where Was My Fault in Loving You with My Whole Heart

William drummed his fingers against the bedside table, doing anything he could to keep it from getting too quiet. This was the longest he had been left alone since arriving at Downton two days before and he was discovering that silence now pushed painfully on his ears. The soft tapping helped alleviate the pressure.

Finally, the doorknob clicked and William's head snapped up to see who was entering the room. As always, for the briefest instant, he thought it might be her. It's most likely Lady Edith, he reminded himself. But still, there was a chance that she might come by. He couldn't quite work out if he hoped to see Daisy or dreaded it. Once again, he wondered if he had about ten seconds to figure out which of the two it was.

After a moment of suspense, the door swung open and revealed his visitor. It wasn't Lady Edith. It wasn't Daisy, either. Of course it wasn't. But that didn't mean that the person who stood in the doorway at that moment was unwelcome. On the contrary, William managed to smile properly for the first time in two days.

"Mrs. Hughes!"

"Well, this is rather nice," said Mrs. Hughes, her eyes raking across the room and taking in every elaborate detail, from the gilded framed portrait on the wall to the intricate carvings on the bedposts.

"I've never slept in a room as big as this," William told her as she took a few unsteady steps into the room. Even so, William had seen enough of Downton Abbey to know that this was one of the smaller, less impressive rooms, probably reserved for unfavorable guests.

"They're taking good care of you, I trust?" Mrs. Hughes' voice was slightly hoarse.

"Of course," William assured her. "Lady Edith has been very attentive. Lady Sybil, er, Nurse Crawley that is, comes in once awhile, too."

She cleared her throat. "Staying in here, being waited on by the Earl's daughters, I hope you're not getting spoiled."

William forced a small laugh. "I don't think there's any danger of that, never fear."

"I am sorry I haven't managed to come see you sooner," Mrs. Hughes said fervently, taking a seat in the chair at William's beside.

"No need, Mrs. Hughes," William insisted. "I know that you are very busy, even when circumstances are at their best. I've had lots of company in any case."

"Have you now?"

"Captain Crawley's been in and out of here and Mr. Bates came in to read me some of the paper while I ate breakfast yesterday. Mr. Lynch was here last night, too. He was telling me I should come down and see him when I get up and about. But I don't think I can stand it. Do you know what he's been up to, Mrs. Hughes?"

"I believe he's working with a few of the tenant farmers, raising horses for—" She couldn't finish her sentence when she caught sight of the dark look on William's face.

"For the war," he finished bitterly. "I don't think I could look at them, knowing where they're headed in a few months."

"I don't think that Mr. Lynch likes it any better than you do," Mrs. Hughes reminded him. "It sounds as though he doesn't have much of a choice in the matter."

"I know," William admitted before changing the subject. "I almost forgot." He dropped his voice dramatically, equally curious and confused by the mystery. "Miss O'Brien stopped by for a second not long before you turned up. She stuck her face in the doorway, looked at me for a moment and went on her way. I worried she was plotting something."

"For once, I don't think she was. Believe it or not, even Miss O'Brien and Thomas— Sargent Barrow to us now— are glad that you're able to recover here."

William's jaw nearly dropped. "Goodness, it seems miracles do happen."

"They most certainly do," Mrs. Hughes agreed. "Sargent Barrow was injured in the line of fire, much like yourself. Miss O'Brien has a nephew out there right now, too. Perhaps they're learning some compassion."

"Compassion on their parts would require divine intervention." Mrs. Hughes laughed a little despite herself but William still immediately felt guilty for saying that aloud. "That was unkind of me. Please forgive me."

Mrs. Hughes raised her hand to some extent, but otherwise didn't respond to his apology. She tilted her head to the side, studying him intently. "It's been such a long time," she remarked. "When you left you were just a boy. Now you're all grown up."

"I still feel very much like a boy," William said. "Being out there has a way of making you feel very small."

"Boys aren't offered the position of valet with the promise of being butler one day."

"You've heard?"

She nodded. "That's quite impressive, William. Are you going to take Captain Crawley up on it? Perhaps I should start to practice referring to you as 'Mr. Mason.'"

"I dunno," William mumbled. "I suppose I might try it but I don't know what use I'll be. I can't even look after myself right now, never mind anyone else. I don't want to be someone's charity but I can't imagine who else would hire me." He gestured to his sling.

"If Captain Crawley has offered you a job, it isn't charity. It's because he has seen what a dedicated young man you are and you have proven to be an exceptionally hard worker."

William decided not to counter her statement. He had learned long ago that it was pointless to argue with Mrs. Hughes, especially when she had that "now, we'll have no more of that" look on her face. "Have I reminded you yet that I have no idea how this house would run without you?"

A hand flew to her mouth and for one terrifying moment, William thought she was on the verge of tears. However, once she found her voice, it was quite steady. "Oh, I'm so glad to have you back under this roof; I don't mind saying it."

"Thank you for saying that, Mrs. Hughes." He cast around for a lighter topic to discuss. "How are things around here been? Has Mr. Carson found it easier to accept maids serving in the dining room?"

"He's resigned to it at this point but still doesn't care for it." She pursed her lips. "Other than the officers being here, things haven't changed too much. Well, we've had two new housemaids since the last time you were here. Emma and Johanna."

Knowing that there was no way Anna would have left, William asked, "What happened to Alice and Ethel?"

"Alice's aunt has fallen ill and Alice has gone to help her look after the children. And Ethel's no longer able to work here, never mind the details."

That sounded ominous. He remembered how excited Ethel had been when William had announced that he and Daisy were getting married. She wasn't all that bad, really. He hated to think she had gotten herself into a bad situation. "Shall I pray for her, Mrs. Hughes?" The list of people that needed praying for seemed to grow every day. What was one more?

"That would be very kind of you. You know, I'm surprised that— Mr. Bates didn't tell you all this."

She had almost said Daisy's name, he could sense it. "You know? Does everyone—?"

He appreciated that she didn't try to pretend that she didn't know what he was talking about. "No, I don't believe so. I think she only told Mrs. Patmore. I happened to overhear enough to guess the situation… Are you all right?"

Do you know what it's like to think you're going to get everything you've ever wanted… only to find out that you're not? "Not really."

"Are you very angry with Daisy?"

"I wouldn't say angry. No. Just… disappointed, I suppose." To put it lightly. "I keep thinking about things she said and did that seemed strange at the time but now make perfect sense." He wondered if maybe deep down, he had known or at least suspected it all along. He thought of all those times he had leaned in to kiss her and instead ended up hugging her or taking her hand. "I'm afraid I've rather made an idiot out of myself."

"You are many things, William Mason, but an idiot is not one of them." The way she said it reminded him excruciatingly of his mother.

He unexpectedly recalled a conversation he had had with Mrs. Hughes several years before. "You told me once that she was a foolish girl and she didn't deserve me."

"Well, I may have been a bit harsh," Mrs. Hughes admitted. "If she truly was a foolish girl who didn't deserve you, she'd have married you anyway— in an attempt to gain some security or respect."

"Captain Crawley did say that Daisy could be the cook at Downton one day if that's what she wanted."

"You see? Cook for the Earl and wife of the butler? It's unlikely she'll attain a higher position than that. It would have been all too easy for her to use you for her own gain. But she cared more about what's best for you in the long run. Now, her actions weren't executed in the best way, but I think her intentions were admirable. And to be perfectly honest, my lad, I don't think that was a very easy position to be placed in."

"I know. I feel terrible." He shouldn't have told her that he could get through the fight as long as Daisy was his girl. No wonder she felt compelled to lie to him. All his life, his parents had warned him not to love too little or take it for granted. But had he taken it too far? Was it possible that you could love someone too much?

"I want you to remember that you did a brave thing in telling her how you felt," Mrs. Hughes said, distracting William from his thoughts. "And unfortunately, it didn't work out the way you hoped. But one day, it will be different."

"She said I'd meet someone else."

"And she was right."

"How can you be sure?"

"Because, I think it's quite clear that anyone with a heart like yours was certainly meant to share it with someone. Although," she added, her smiling growing. "I still believe you ought to forget about that sort of nonsense for another five years."

William offered her a partial smile in return. He looked out the window, thinking it had to be close to eleven by now. "Major Clarkson will be here in a bit to check on me."

A/N: A quick Google search taught me that the British Remount Service would send some of their stallions to farmers' mares in an effort to breed some decent horses for the war, though I couldn't find much info beyond that. So I'm sure there are/will be issues with my depiction of this but you should forgive me and just roll with it because:
1) This is a fan fic!
2) This is a fan fic based on a show where a dude was "cured" from paralysis and a guy somehow managed to die in July 1918 after suffering injuries from a battle that took place in August 1918. :)

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