I return to the house around late evening, with dirt smeared on my hands. I spent the entire day outside at Skullette's grave. The place gives me an unknown sense of peace. I want to lie down, sink beneath the dirt and pebbles, let them slide gently into my lungs and carry me to Skullette and Mulch. I want to, but I can't.
I walk in and see I've just missed dinner.
"Oh, hello Hiccup." My father says when he notices me. "You just missed dinner. There's a turkey leg left if you want it."
"No, thank you. I'm going to bed." I say, and then head upstairs where I spend most of the night tossing and turning. Waking cold and sweaty over and over from horrific nightmares. Sleeping next to Toothless helps.
No one would mess with the unholy offspring of lightning and death.
As the days progress, the cycle becomes apparent. I wake up, eat the meals Gobber makes, periodically visit Skullette's grave, then return home to start the cycle again. Occasionally I would go and visit Bucket since I'm sure now that he's the only one who truly understands me.
The only bright side everyone can see is that I'm getting outside.
I never stop by the Dragon Academy. In the past, it was a place I enjoyed. But now it's only a cruel reminder of the boy I've lost. The boy who enjoyed being around dragons. The boy who was the first Viking to ride a dragon.
The boy who lost everything.
I can't even feel his presence inside me anymore. There's absolutely no reminder of him except for his Night Fury who for some reason refuses to leave the side of a broken and damaged and lunatic boy I've come to know.
One day after Gobber decided to cook me a small lunch, he tells me again to get outside. "Go hunting. I know you . . . used to love doing that." He says cautiously.
"I don't want to." I answer. I used to like it. Past tense. It was something I loved to do with Skullette. Always. To do it without her, it wouldn't be the same. And pointless. No one needs meat now. Besides, I don't have a bow. Mine was confiscated and Thor knows what happened to, hers. "I don't have a bow."
"Go look in the trunk in your room." Gobber says.
After he leaves, I consider going upstairs. Rule it out. When I think about it, having Skullette's bow would be just as good as having the dirt of her grave hanging above my heart. Another thing that keeps her close to me. And yet, to actually see it; I can't shake the feeling that it'd be too hard.
Much like seeing her grave for the first time, it'll most likely make me go numb and send me deeper into the gaping hole of silence and misery. But after several hours, I decide to go anyway, walking on silent hunter feet, so I don't awaken the ghosts in the house. In the trunk where I keep most of my sketches, I slowly open it and find a long folded cloth placed diagonal so it fits.
My heart skips a beat and I lose my breath for a minute. But move my shaking hands around it and dig for something else in the trunk, making sure my skin doesn't come into contact with the fabric. I already know what's under it. And I'm scared that if I touch it, it'll send images of her death all through my mind. Planting the seed into my mind so it grows and grows and makes it become even more real than I make it. And if that happens, I'll never be the same.
Instead, I dig around until my fingers brush against the blanket we used for our celebratory picnic after I was accepted into the war. A grave mistake that caused this whole nightmare. I slowly pull it out so I don't knock it against the fabric, exposing what lies underneath it.
When I get it out, I slam the trunk shut and rush to my bed, yanking the blanket over my head. I try to block out the flashbacks of Skullette's death, and the last minutes I spent with her. Tears stream down my cheeks and for once, I know why.
It's like her death was almost expected.
The day before and that morning, I had kissed her like I never have before. I spent time with her. She saved my life. I realized I loved her. I told her I loved her. She told me she loved me too. Then after we battled together in the flaming remains that was once Outcast Island, it happened.
I guess in retrospect, I did say everything I needed to say, and I did everything I ever wanted to do with her. Almost everything. I always thought she'd be the one. I was so sure. Sobs wreck my body and I can hear Toothless come up the stairs. He doesn't pull back the blanket, but I hear him settle against the foot of the bed.
I fall asleep as I continue to cry. A gracious dream follows me where I'm running in the woods, and Skullette's ahead, just out of sight. We find our way to the Cove and I teach her my fishing skills. It's quite the long dream since I know the woods so well and the day just started.
We get the biggest haul we've ever gotten. At least three deer, a dozen rabbits and half the squirrels. We trade them all for other essentials and then as we're walking into the village, suddenly, everything grows dark. The sky becomes gray, dry lightning cracks across the sky. The wind kicks up as if there are ten dragons flapping their wings at me.
I look to Skullette who's in front of me the wind blows her hair and her outfit, and yet while I'm blocking my face to keep debris away, she stands her ground. I call her name but she doesn't respond. She doesn't even look at me. The clouds descend into the Square in the form of a funnel cloud.
I scream her name again and this time, she gives me the slightest glance over her shoulder. Then she bolts forward and is swallowed by the gray. I follow her in. I'm not about to lose her again. I spin and swirl, but the whole time I keep my eyes closed. I feel like a candle in a hurricane. I slam into the ground which still feels rock hard even in my dreams.
Pushing myself up on numb arms, I look ahead and see we were carried to the Cove. Skullette stands several feet from an outcropping of rocks that trail up the side of several thick roots of trees, forming an arc. There are doubled stone doors that are designed just like the ones for the Great Hall.
I have a bad feeling about this place and I want to leave. I call to Skullette, but she doesn't move.
Pleading with her won't even make her turn. I extend a hand to touch her shoulder, but it seems like I can't reach her despite how close we really are. In the blink of an eye, I'm three meters away from her. She slowly turns to face me.
The green in her eyes have faded. Like the color had been sucked out. They now just swim with a deadness that scares me.
"Hiccup," she says in a monotone. She extends her hand and I desperately try to grip it.
But then the stone doors burst open unleashing a violent wind. That only affects Skullette this time. She's desperately pleading, calling to me to save her. I try my best to reach for her. Grab her hand.
I look up to see the cloud morph into a face. The details are poor, and yet the image in my mind is so detailed and clear.
Alvin.
The hideous thing laughs and his mouth opens wide into a perfect circle. He sucks in a deep breath of air. In it, I helplessly watch as every dead person I know by name gets sucked into the gaping hole of his mouth. I scream at him to stop. The screams of the dead pierce my ears and I swear I feel blood trickle down.
Skullette is still with me as the things morphs. I cling to her for desperate life. I look back and see it has now transformed into Mildew. His snaggletooth smile sends the feeling of ants crawling up my legs. My arms. I hang onto a root of a tree as he repeats the actions of Alvin.
His sucks away the Cove so all that's left is the root of an invisible tree, and then I feel Skullette slipping. I beg, plead at her to hold on. She looks to me and there's still no light in her eyes. I tell her it'll be okay. But she looks like she's already given up.
Mildew laughs again and he takes another deep breath.
In an instant, I feel Skullette's wrist leave me hand.
"No!"I scream as I watch her plummet into the swirling funnel.
I continue to scream her name. It's useless. I watch as she continues to swirl and swirl. And when she's out of my sight, the root snaps and I plummet down to. The funnel cloud splits into two and Alvin and Mildew's laughter taunt me as I spiral downward.
I wake with a start. Pale morning light comes in through the skylight and the creases on the floorboard. My entire body is moist with sweat and I feel Toothless lick my hand as I'm breathing heavy. I pat the back of my hands against my forehead and find myself in my bed. But I'm in the living room. They must've moved my bed downstairs like they did while I was in recovery after defeating the Green Death.
Needing to get out of the house to check to see that the village is still intact, I thrust off the covers and run outside ignoring the thumping of my heart in my head. K yank open the door and bolt down the steps into the Square. Everything's okay. No funnel clouds. No Mildew. No Alvin.
No Skullette.
There are many Vikings walking around, doing everyday chores and duties. Some take notice of me and give me a hello. I nod in return. I take a slow walk out of the Square and into the Plaza. More people. More dragons. All giving me welcome looks and waves. My feet naturally make their way to the blacksmith shop where I come to find Gobber working on a duel-bladed axe.
"Ah, hey Hiccup. Nice of you to join the party." I give him a weak smile and like I did the day the dragons were invading, I pick up a humongous bludgeon and pace it on its hooks. "Care to join me? There are some swords that need sharpening" he invites, but I respectfully decline.
"I'm looking for a new connecting rod." I say.
"Well there are a few over in that barrel. Feel free to give them a little tweaking if needed." Gobber says. His face flushed from the heat of the fire. Covered with burn scars like me.
As he exchanges the axe for a sword, I rummage through the barrel, needing to dig way down through all the swords and spears until I finally find a connecting rod wedged in between them all. I call Toothless in and he lets me exchange the rod, then we leave Gobber with a goodbye.
As we're walking through the village, people continue to give me hellos and waves. Once we come to the recognizable road leading to the Dragon Academy, I pause and take a deep breath.
But the funny thing is, I don't know why I'm so nervous to be going to the Academy. Skullette never really trained with a dragon of her own. And there's also the possibility I'll somehow find the long-lost boy who loved to be around dragons. Who loved everything instead of shutting out everybody who could possibly care about him.
A habit that I created since I thought that it would benefit everyone I cared about. That easily backfired.
Now I just do it because it's easier.
I see the insignia of a Night Fury that signifies the Academy. As I walk up, a bolt of fire shoots through the chain covering, and I dive behind a barrel, waiting for the armada to come and destroy me. Nothing comes. Toothless nudges me to my feet and he helps me balance since my legs started shaking.
We near the chain covering and I finally get the entire arena in view. The first thing my eyes dart to is the blue gradient of Tornado's skin. Then my father's silhouette. Then the students in front of him. I can't understand what he's saying, so instead, I go over and sit on one of the benches bordering the Academy. I never knew my father had the capability to teach a class about dragons. I didn't even know it was in his nature seeing as how his whole life he spent it trying to kill them.
Fishlegs is the first to notice me and he happily and eagerly waves as Dad continues to lecture. As he turns, I see he has the Book of Dragons. He notices me and waves, but doesn't invite me in. I don't mind. I may be here, but I'm just not ready to go in yet.
But I feel something inside me plant itself deep in the bowels of my heart.
A small seedling of the old Hiccup.
The bud takes root. It burrows deep like the Whispering Death dig into the earth. I can feel it penetrate the icy silence. It blooms into a small bud with green leaves.
It feels to impossibly good. I even find myself smiling at the glorious feeling. At last I found him. And I cling to the bud with a desperate longing. Afraid that if I let it go, I'll rot and die. Then there will be no going back.
I decide to hop on Toothless and go to Skullette's grave where I sit in silence. Toothless has taken on the habit of sitting behind me while I plant myself at the foot of the grave. I sit at the foot of the grave and gingerly place the lavender I've held onto through all those harsh night on Outcast Island. The flower has just started to rot its petals. I can see a shade of a sickly green adorning the purple petals.
It's too quiet without her soft humming or hunter's feet. Several times I close my eyes and count to ten, hoping that when I open them, she'll have materialized without a sound as she often did. Nothing happens.
Early spring is in the air. The woods awakening from a long and harsh winter. A time of new beginnings my mother used to say. I want there to be a new start. But something inside me just can't let this go. And I don't force it.
How do you let someone go? How do you understand that that's alright? That everything changes. How do you find a way for that to make you feel good about life? Instead of breaking your heart?
I almost feel ashamed that someone could be that important to me. That without them, I feel like nothing. No one will ever understand how much it hurts. I feel hopeless, like nothing can save me.
I've been through so much in one lifetime.
But the hardest thing I've ever learned, is how to say goodbye.
Back at home, while toothless sleeps on his ember-covered bed, I throw open the skylights and doors letting the fresh spring air infect the entire house. Wanting to feel fresh and new for the season, I fill the tub with water, strip, and step into the tub; scrubbing old and dirty thing from me. My hair, my body, my mouth. Bright pink and tingly, I find something clean to wear in my clothes trunk.
It takes an hour to comb out my hair since it's matted into clumps. Then I feed the clothes I got from Outcast Island to the fire pit. As the clothes flare up, a burst of pure red flame envelops the clothes and devours them completely. I rush upstairs and pry open the trunk with Skullette's bow and arrow collection. There are only two bows and three sheaths of arrows. I don't remember the total she had before, but nonetheless, I gather a sheath, close the trunk, and open mine which has the cloth covered bow inside.
The sight of it brings back the memory of the cloth-covered Mulch who suffered a gruesome death. I shake the image from my mind and pull the bow free and unwrap it. It's a new one from the looks of it. I've never seen it with the rest of her collection. I sit on my bed. My fingers trace along the limbs, feeling the wood so smooth. Free of splinters.
The grip's made from bear hair and there are beautiful carvings in it. Such intricate designs. And right above the grip of the bow, is the Berk Crest. Completely hand carved and crafted. On the inside, under the grip, there are two letters carved. H&S.
Out of nowhere, tears begin to pour down my cheeks. I clutch the bow to my middle. I bring my knees to my chest, rocking the bow, crying. A new sound, part crying, part singing, comes out of my body, giving voice to my despair. And yet I feel relief flood me, prying at the icy silence.
After arming myself with the bow and arrows, I head out. I sling the bow over my shoulder since I have the slightest feeling I'm not going to use it. I make my way to the animal farm for a change and come to fin Bucket free from his therapy. I see him milking a yak when his head jerks up and in my direction.
"Hey Hiccup." He says, and his voice almost has that same happy tone it used to. A closer look and he's lost that clouded, tortured look.
"Hey, Bucket." I start. "How are you?"
"I'm good. Lovely spring weather, don't you think?" he asks.
"I guess so."
I hear the door to the barn open and I see Logan, the man who's wedding was the talk of Berk, walk out.
"Hello Hiccup." He says.
"Hey, Logan. Nice to see you."
"You too. It's so good to see you out." He says, and the hint in his tone says he's being honest.
"So, how're things with the misses?" I ask.
"Great. Our new home is bigger and better than the old." He says, and I nod to signal I'm following. He must know the lingering question on my mind because he then says, "Jennifer and I decided to help take care of Bucket. We'll need the experience for when the baby comes."
It takes a few seconds for the news to sink in, and when it does, it explodes in my mind.
Jennifer's with child.
My eyes widen and my mouth drops. I do feel, excited, but I can't show it. So all I say is, "Congratulations."
It's all I have time to say before he smiles at me and takes Bucket inside. But before he shuts the door, he turns back and gives me a wave. This is the first good news I've been given since the execution. I can't fight the smile that crawls across my face, but it feels more like a grimace. Or one of Toothless' awkward smiles he usually gives me.
None of it matters, I'm happy for them. And that's what counts.
Toothless manages to find me and we fly to Skullette's grave. When we get there, someone has beaten us. We land and I hop off Toothless and rush to the grave. I come up short. Her cheeks slightly pink and her bangs dangle in her eyes like normal. She doesn't see me coming, so when she turns around, she jumps.
Astrid's not one to scare easily, so I can't help but find it a little amusing.
"You scared me." she says. She's frowning slightly as she takes me in.
"I see. What are you doing here?" I ask.
She stands up and I see a small pot in her hands. She brings it forward and says, "I went to the Cove and dug these up. I thought we could plant them around the grove and around your house."
She holds up a scraggly bush, and behind her that's when I see Bucket's wheelbarrow, filled with at least ten more. I'm about to question her why. All I see are rotted bushes with clods of dirt hanging from their roots. But before I get the chance to say anything, a breeze brushes the scent of the flower to my nose.
Lavender.
I blink several times in astonishment, and then look her in the eyes.
"For her."
I can't help but smile. Maybe in her own way, Astrid really did care about Skullette. I give her a nod of consent and she places the pot back on the ground. I help her dig the holes with my knife and she places the plants into the hole. Once we finish bordering the grave, we fly back home and continue the process until the bushes decorate the entire outline of my home and some windowsills.
Slowly, with many lost days, I come back to life. There are still days that I stay inside or visit her grave, some habits I can't break even if I tried. But if it helps me, then who is anyone to complain? I manage to find a way to go hunting again, I go with Bucket to collect fish and herd wild boars. The crack in the silence still lingering within me grows wider and wider.
I make more frequent trips to the Dragon Academy until one day, I finally walk through the gate into the arena. I check up on Logan and Jennifer's child. I fly with Dad. I sketch Toothless. Astrid and I grow back together.
One day, after the lavender flowers had bloomed, we had just finished a day of training at the Academy and headed into town. The dragons were due for a monthly dental checkup at Gobber's. As Meatlug was getting her teeth cleaned, Astrid pulled me aside.
We left the dragons and wandered into the woods, at the Cove. We didn't talk much, which seemed fine for the both of us. As we reach the water's edge, I crouch down, pick up a pebble in my hand, then after spinning it for a few seconds, I chuck it to the water.
It cleanly skips across the surface, leaving ripples that glow in the sunlight and blur the iridescent surface. Then plopping close to the middle.
"Hiccup," Astrid begins, and I stand up to meet her eyes.
She looks to me and they glow with a desperate longing. Suddenly she pours her heart out to me. Feelings that she's held back all those months ago while my heart was taken.
"I mean I know it's been hard for you, but I want you to know I'll always be there for you. If you'll have me, this'll be the last night you'll spend alone." I look away from her, but she takes my chin and turns my face to look at her. "Look me in the eye so I know you know. I'm everywhere you want me to be."
My eyes widen and my mouth agapes a little. She comes close to me, resting her head on my chest, where my heartbeat has increased in speed. "The last night you'll spend alone. I'll wrap you in my arms and I won't let go. I'm everything you need me to be."
I hesitate, but I place my hands on her back near her shoulder blade area. "The night is so long when everything's wrong. If you give me your hand, give me the chance, I can help you hold on." She tells me.
I try to steady my breathing, and my hands make small circular motions on her back. There's no doubt in my mind she's serious. But can I really go back to her? Do I have the strength to let go?
"I won't let you say goodbye, Hiccup. And I'll be your reason why."
My lack of answers must have her troubled because she pulls away, looking me in the eye, "Unless you don't feel the same, and this is your way of trying to let me down easy, and I've made a spectacular fool of myself."
Her arms unwind from my neck and she steps back. Cramming fingers through her blonde hair, she doesn't look at me. "I've just made a fool of myself, haven't I?" she tries to smile.
"No."
"Yes, I have." She takes another step back. "What is it about you that makes rational behavior so difficult for me? Never mind. Forget I asked that."
Hurt and embarrassment are written all over her face, and I realize the only one being a fool is me.
She's offering me the one thing of beauty I can still claim as my own. I have to cling to it if I ever want to find my way back to the boy I used to be. And it isn't fair for me to deny her the truth just because I worry it means less coming from someone as broken as me.
I take her wrist and she stops backing away.
"I can do it again." The words are out before I give myself time to lose my nerve.
I don't know how to do this. Love is a piercing ache that refuses to slide into the silence. I'm grateful to hold onto something real, but I don't' know how to make her see it. I mean to say something heartfelt and sincere like "give you my heart." Something that will erase her fears and leave us with one perfect moment in the midst of everything.
I look at her and realize I see something I never thought I'd see again.
Hope.
I'm broken, but not beaten. I want to live. Not just breathe in and out, watching one day fade into the next. I want to live.
The sun blazes a golden path through her blonde hair, and my eyes slide over her pinkish skin and come to rest on her lips. I pull her close. Trace the knuckles of my fingers along her smooth cheek. Slowly bringing both my hands to the nape of her neck. Warmth pools in my stomach and spreads lazily through me as I pull her closer.
I don't kiss her, but I lean our foreheads in. I take in her gracious scent of citrus and midnight jasmine. All I see is Astrid, filling up my empty spaces and making me into something more than I ever could be on my own. Her breath catches, a tiny sound that makes me realize how close I'm standing to her.
"You said you'd save your heart for me." I whisper.
"I did." She declares, remembering with me the day she said she'd save her heart for me.
"I don't want to keep you waiting. But I'm just not ready." I say.
I can feel her body . . . relax, instead of tense up. I lean away and open my eyes, she opens hers and I can see the blue ocean in her eyes. I search her eyes, trying to register anger, hatred.
I find only relief.
"I'm so sorry." I say, tears filling my eyes. Astrid cradles my head in her hands. She brushes come hair out of my eyes.
"I said I'll wait for you. No matter how long it takes."