Chapter Nine

I woke up the next morning, rolling around to see Nick on his laptop and instantly closed my eyes again, pretending to be asleep. I wasn't in the Nick mood at the moment. I remembered last night a little too well and knew that even though he didn't yell at me then, it was only because it was late. Well, that and I wasn't exactly sober.

"Too late. Might as well open your eyes now," he told me.

So I did. He wasn't even looking at me, still on his computer. I sat up, going over to his bed and sitting on the edge. He was doing everything in his power not to look at me.

"Say something," I whispered, scared of what he was trying to hold in.

He closed his eyes before staring at me, but despite his efforts to hide his feelings, there was still that small glare in his eyes. "How could you?"

I looked down.

"I thought this was in the past."

Like Selena.

"I thought you were done with the disappointments."

"Nick-"

"I was finally starting to believe in you, Miley."

"So what? Now you don't believe in me? You didn't believe in me before, I was just another disappointment?"

His voice was calm and collected but his expression said otherwise. "I never said that."

"You thought it."

He looked at me with a pained expression, his eyes looking so hurt that I just wanted to sit there and fix him.

"Can you really blame for losing faith in you?"

The words hurt to hear, even if I did deserve them.

"I'm sorry," My voice cracked.

"You just let me down and I defend you every time – every time, Mi… But it's getting harder. I can't keep defending you if you don't change."

"And I have!" I protested, standing up. "You don't think I've been trying? That it was easy these past six months with no drugs? The only reason I even tried was for you. Because for some reason you were stupid and thought too highly of me."

I shook my head, continuing with the words I'd been holding in for too long.

"See? That's always been your problem. You've thought too highly of me and I can't meet your expectations. I'm sorry about last night, but I just had to."

"No, you didn't. Don't say that-"

"It's the truth," I fought.

"You went right back there, Mi! After so long of staying away, what was the point of that?"

"I needed to."

"I can't believe you just went straight back," he repeated. "How could you do this?" Nick asked, completely disappointed in me. If only he knew what I really did. How I got those drugs to get so high.

"Look, it's my life. Fuck off, okay? It was one night."

"I thought you moved past this ages ago," he sighed. "What's going on with you?"

"This damn tour," I hissed. "I don't wanna talk about it so can you just leave?"

"No-"

"You won't understand," I spat. "I fucking hate how you will never understand because you're the one person who always could before and now you just – you-"

"I still can," he shot back.

"No! You can't and you won't! So just go and leave me alone and don't come back until I say so! Go with your stupid girlfriend and leave me alone."

He rose his eyebrows and I saw the anger coming through again. "Yeah, that's what the queen wants?" He shook his head. "Fine, I'll go this time. But no promises on ever coming back. I'll stay with my girlfriend."

He stormed out, slamming the hotel door. This wasn't fair, why was I crying? It was just Nick, I should be stronger than this by now. I opened the door to go stomp to my room like a little kid, but Demi just stood there, looking at me as if I was the saddest sight in the world. She held up the extra passkey she must've gotten from my mom and led us to my room before moving in, wrapping her arms around me while I cried harder.

"It's okay, you're fine," she soothed. "It's okay, Mi."

"I'm so sorry."

"It's fine, alright?" she rubbed my back. "Last night is fine. The important thing is you. What's wrong, honey?"

"Why doesn't he get that it's because of him?" I asked, meeting her eyes. She shook her head, not knowing either. "I know I shouldn't have done it, but he doesn't make staying away easy."

She sighed. "Why aren't you telling him, Mi?"

"Because if he wants her then he should have her."

"I'll be right back," she whispered, out of the room before I could say anything.

I nodded, going over the couch and hiding my face in the cushions, laying down. Being alone I just let the tears fall, breaking down. I guess cancer didn't change that much, Selena would always be better than me.

"You said you were okay with it," I heard a voice behind me. It was so recognizable that I would know it anywhere.

I held back the whimpers and sobs begging to be let out, not daring to face him. "I am."

"Oh, I can tell," he shot back playfully, that anger from minutes ago gone. I felt a hand on my arm, fire burning through it as he gently rolled me over to face him.

I eventually gave in, staring at him, my tears quickly drying. I hated crying in front of him. I forced out a smile, giving one last shot at persuading him.

"I'm fine."

"At least make it convincing," he told me, beginning to stroke through my hair. "I wouldn't have asked if you told me not to. That's why I asked you."

"How was I supposed to say that it wasn't okay with me, though?" I challenged. "You're my ex, and yeah, we're best-friends, and that's great, but it'll always hurt to see you with someone else."

He nodded, tapping my legs to get me to sit up. He climbed on the couch beside me as I looked away from him awkwardly.

He wrapped his arms around me, slowly rubbing his hand along my arm. "And that's okay. I get that, I feel it too."

I leaned on his chest, sinking into him. "I just feel bad always holding you back, and I don't want to, it's just after all this time it still hasn't gotten a bit easier to see you with other girls and I hate it. I hate feeling so clingy because I know you-"

"Miley, stop. You don't hold me back, I promise," he assured me. He squeezed me a little. "Besides, I didn't really want to date her anyways. It's fine."

"If you didn't want to date her than why would you ask her out?" I challenged.

He shrugged a little bit, facing away from me. "I guess I just figured anything was better than sitting around thinking about you all day. And she was the distraction before. I wanted to finally stop thinking of what could've been."

I nodded, for once completely understanding. I got that feeling a lot, too. More than once. Hell, I got it almost every time I looked at him.

"We really could've been something special, you know?"

"Oh, I know," he told me. "That's why it hurt so much. That's why I decided to ask."

I nodded. Because as hard it was to do, I understood. I understood the reason and I understood him.

"Do you think we'll ever be able to pull off the just friends thing?"

I looked back up at him, falling in love all over again. That was a definite no. "My answer isn't the answer you want to hear."

"Would you fix it?"

I'd thought about it so many times in the past. I nodded, and I didn't mean to but when I answered my voice sounded so distant. "Yeah, I would."

"Me too," he hummed.

"I miss those days a lot," I admitted. "Especially now."

"Yeah," he agreed. "When you used to tell me everything instead of hiding it."

"Nick-"

"It's fine, I'm just saying," he told me. "You can trust me with anything, and I know you know that, so when you do want to tell me, I'm here, okay?"

"I know you're always there, how could I forget?"

He made a motion to show that he didn't know how either. "You just have before."

I never forgot. It was impossible to forget how much he cared about me… Sometimes I just hated to believe it. Because I knew every time I remembered, a little piece of me would always be in love with him.

"And Miley?"

I looked back over to him, giving him my full attention.

"You obviously didn't hear; Selena said No."

:::

"Demi," I ran up to her, pulling her ear close. "Selena said No to him."

She looked over at me surprised, but still happy. "She did?"

I smiled, nodding. "Can you believe it? I don't even know why but – Demi, she said no."

"Are you really that surprised?" she laughed a little. "She knows you love him, ya know?"

"But – she said no," I emphasized again. Me loving him never stopped her before. "He's single."

"I'm happy for you," she laughed. "You are way too surprised by this."

"I am!" I laughed, looking out the window with a smile. "This is the best news I've heard in forever. It beats last night's feelings, even. This is – This is amazing."

She stayed silent for awhile.

"What did happened last night?" she asked, softly. If I wasn't listening carefully I wouldn't have even heard. She was absorbed in her cell phone, saying nothing but I could tell she wanted to know.

I suddenly cut off the happy mood, trying to shrug it off. "It was nothing."

That triggered something, though, because her head shot towards me. "Excuse you?"

I looked around, not sure why she was so offended. "What?"

"Do you even remember last night?" she asked me.

I rolled my eyes. "Yeah. It was nothing."

"You came to my door at five in the morning, Miley."

I scoffed. Yeah, I remember that part. "And you turned me away."

"Don't put the blame on me," she warned me, shaking her head. "This isn't my fault, it's yours."

"Don't make me seem like such a bad person, either," I ordered.

"I never said that-"

No, she didn't. But she was thinking it. Everyone was. I saw the stupid glimpses of judgements in all of their eyes. Even Nick's eyes had it. Especially Nick's eyes.

"You thought it."

"No, I didn't," she argued, trying to stay calm. "I just thought you were better than this."

"You too?" I shook my head. "You and Nick both need to get that I'm not better than this, alright? I'm just not, I can't be, I never will be."

"Yes you are," she fought. "And maybe if you would stay sober for more than a month you'd fucking see that."

Excuse her? Who exactly did she think she was. "You don't know how hard it is, alright?" I snapped, ready to tell her off, ready to tell everyone off. "You don't know how hard it is to have it be there taunting me all the fucking time! And none of you even care! It's just there, testing me, and you all think it's so easy but it's not. You don't even know how hard it is because if you did-"

"I don't know?" she was seething with anger. "I don't know? I don't fucking know?"

She stormed to the bathroom, coming back with the drugs I bought last night and a razor in her hand. She gave me the drugs.

"I know that four months after I had my relapse we made a promise that you would never ever do drugs again and I'd never cut myself. And you have the nerve to come back here and say that I don't care? If I didn't care I wouldn't be trying this hard to make you stop. Do you even know how much it hurts to see you like this?"

"Of course I do-" But apparently she thought otherwise. She pressed the blade to her skin, easily slicing herself, and she was right. It hurt more than ever watching her do that. I lunged forward, grabbing it from her. "Stop it, Demi! No!"

"I know how hard it is, too, alright? I feel it every day just like you do. I've thought more than once about how easy it would be, how you'd all never know. And you wanna know what stopped me?"

Don't say me. She can't possibly be depending on me anymore.

"You. My best friend who I knew was going through the exact same thing." She held up her bleeding wrist for me to say and I quickly looked away, knowing I was the cause. "Now tell me. What happened last night?"

"I-"

"If you dare say it's nothing," she warned, shaking her head.

"I'm not," I tried to smile softly. "I didn't know how to handle Nick moving on, alright? That's it. It's stupid."

"It's a big deal to you," Demi shrugged, suddenly all calmed down. This was why we somehow stayed best friends. Because we actually understood each other despite how often we fought. "But things are gonna change in your life, Mi. And you can't resort to drugs every time they do."

"I know, and I won't," I told her, holding my pinky with a small smile. "I promise. Last time."

She nodded, "Last time."

I sighed, shaking my head and holding the arm she cut in my hand. "Jesus, why do you have to be so stubborn?"

I let it go and she smiled that toothy smile that could fool anyone into thinking she was happy. "Because it's you I'm trying to get the point across to."

"You got it across," I told her firmly, taking the razor and throwing it out the hotel window, just like she did to my pillow on the bus. "Now don't do it again."

Demi smiled at me, nodding. "It was just to prove a point, I swear."

"Pinky swear?"

She latched her pinky onto mine and I smiled, content.

"You good, though?" she asked. "I mean, now that you know you basically got yourself into a huge fight with Nick all for nothing because Selena said no-"

"Great, Dem," I laughed, my hand going to the top of my wig. This thing was so uncomfortable and it'd only been a day. "Can I take it off?"

"Of course, Mi."

I took it off, looking at Demi unsure, too afraid to look in the mirror.

"Stop it," she ordered.

"What?"

"You're being insecure. You look great. You're beautiful without it, too, Miley. Stop putting yourself down."

"Miley's beautiful without what?" I heard Nick and instantly ducked behind the bed as Demi pulled off her shirt right before he turned around the corner, leaving her completely exposed.

"Fucktard, I'm naked!" she yelled at him, her rage so convincing that even I bought it. Who'd have thought it was just her saving my ass, yet again? "Get out!"

"Sorry," I heard him apologize, stuttering and backing up. "Just – okay, you guys come get me when you're ready."

"Bye," she hinted with attitude. A few seconds she looked back at me and we just started laughing. She put back on the t-shirt she was wearing while I went to the bathroom, putting on my wig again.

"I can't believe I just did that," she laughed.

"I can't believe you were braless."

She shook her head at me incredulously. "I just completely exposed myself to him and you're focused on that?"

"Did his eyes go wide?" I laughed as she came into the bathroom, lightly shoving me.

"Shut up!" she held back a smile. "This is never to leave this room. If anyone ever finds out you're dead."

"I won't tell," I promised, fixing the last bit of the wig. I turned to her. "Alright. Do I look okay?"

"Looks good," she promised.

I smiled a little before swiveling back to the mirror and messing around with the hair that wasn't mine.

"Mi, you really do need to tell him."

I couldn't even stop myself from rolling my eyes. "Demi, we've talked about this-"

"But he needs to know!" she argued.

"Not now," I shook my head. "It's just not a good time with Taylor here and my fuck up last night – I will though. Just not tonight, okay?"

"I hope you know as much as you're pretending to when you talk about him," Demi sighed, trying to stay composed. "Because I just don't see how you can possibly think this will work out."

"It will," I promised. I had to keep believing that right now. "I know it will. Trust me."

She nodded, but didn't accept that answer. "You need to tell him, Miley. You have fucking cancer. You can't just hide that."

"He doesn't need to know yet," I told her, keeping my eyes focused on the mirror.

"What if it leaks and that's how he finds out? Do you even know how hurt he'd be?"

"I can handle it, Demi," I hissed. This was my problem. Not hers. Therefore, Nick would find out on my watch, not anyone else's.

"Yeah, I can tell when you need to worry about puking in front of him everyday. Or your wig or your appointments. This isn't a game, Miley! This is your fucking life we're talking about, and you need to tell him soon."

"I have this under control," I told her softly.

Now, only because I don't like secrets, I'll say my secret. I was scared to death. I was scared of death. And I had no idea what was going on, it was like life was spinning faster and faster and I couldn't keep up, especially with Nick.

"You better," Demi finally gave up, "Because I have no damn clue what the hell you're thinking and how you don't think this will end in a disaster."

I nodded a little. It was under control, I knew exactly what I was doing, this was my plan all along. It had to be.

hehe, i hope you all liked it. i know this wasn't the best chapter, but it's kind of leading into next chapter.

next chapter is my favourite so far. i really like it, personally. lots of drama in it, for sure.

k, tell me what you all thought? pwease and tankchu.