Gap
another unpublished part of "On the road"
Jeremy had tears in his eyes.
"So you lied," Tyler was next to him, "about the smell and everything."
Jeremy closed his eyes, dropped his head and his face showed obvious pain, he was close to crying.
The sight made Tyler feel bad. He still didn't know how exactly to deal with something like that and so he just put a hand on Jeremy's left shoulder. The touch made Jeremy look up at him. It was such pitiful sight that he felt tears rising in his eyes as well.
"That wasn't a lie."
That statement made Tyler speechless.
Jeremy continued. "None of it was. There is just nothing left, absolutely nothing."
Tyler regained his speech. "W… Why?"
Jeremy fell into his arms, which was a bit of a shock for Tyler, and was sobbing in Tyler's shoulder.
"I'm sure it's not so bad." Tyler felt Jeremy tightening his grip.
"Do you remember that girl?" Jeremy's voice was unsteady.
"What girl?"
"The one who left you for me. What was her name?"
Tyler felt his rage rise at the words and tried to break free of Jeremy but the grip was too strong. He struggled against Jeremy but the younger man's embrace was hard as iron. "Let me go," he screamed his lungs out, "let me go Gilbert!"
But Jeremy didn't let go and was still, head buried inside Tyler's shoulder. Words failed Tyler and he tried to hurt Jeremy by beating against Jeremy's back, but to no avail. He even kicked him as best as he could, actually hitting Jeremy in the balls, but again without success. In the end he was so mad, that he actually bit into Jeremy's shoulder.
Only then did Jeremy make a sound.
"I'm sorry Tyler. I'm so sorry, I wish it would be different, but I really can't remember her name. I remember her face, I remember her voice; I even remember how she died. But I don't remember her name anymore. And everything is so hazy."
At this moment Tyler had a sort of iron taste in his mouth and realized that it was blood. He let go of Jeremy's shoulder and saw that he had bitten through the fabric of Jeremy's shirt, the site of the bite now drenched in red.
Tyler embraced Jeremy and stroked his neck with his right hand. "Do you know why?" Tyler just stared into space.
"No, and it's not the only thing." Jeremy started sobbing again.
"What do you mean?"
"I forgot even more. And I don't get how my mind works anymore. There are so many gaps in my memories."
Tyler stopped staring and buried his nose into Jeremy's shoulder, inhaling the scents there. He noticed the fabric of the shirt itself, nearly odorless, the blood, the sweat and Jeremy's own scent mixed with a touch of grass.
"Half of my life, it's as though half of my life didn't exist," Jeremy continued, "I stand in front of my home and feel nothing, I stand before my families graves which I didn't recognize until reading the names and I start crying a river and howl my lungs out. I have forgotten people I knew all my life."
Tyler didn't know what to say and for now he repressed the urge to ask whether Jeremy had actually howled.
After a while Tyler responded, "I hate it too."
"What," Jeremy asked without changing position.
"The irony", he breathed in deeply before answering. "I want to forget and I can't, you want to remember but it slips away from you." Tyler was surprised himself by what he just said.