Chapter 21: Let it all sink in

Mark eventually journeyed out of the on-call room, after taking some time to recover from his outburst of rage, feeling like a zombie. He was in a terrible blur. Everything around him seemed to pass by and fade away without him realizing or caring. This must be what depression felt like. Depression or maybe just extreme guilt. He wanted desperately to go back to Lexie's side and hold her hand, maybe even make her smile….But he felt like he was betraying her. He knew she'd be deeply upset and very disappointed in him if he told her about the things he'd regrettably done. Had he made the right choice? Using Julia was wrong. It was an awful thing to do to any human being. But it was for Lexie. Was that enough? Not even an hour into the decision Mark was already feeling horribly guilty. And what if he'd have to live out this lie for weeks? Or month? Or even longer than that? He couldn't do that.

Mark had begun to walk in the direction of Lexie's room subconsciously as he shoved his hands in his pants pockets and stared at the floor. He was unaware of his surroundings as he cognate how his "relationship" with Julia would pan out. In the back of his mind he could already guess it would be bad but he thought it over anyways. And every time he got the same result. He could already picture it in his mind. He could hear the screaming between them and see the tears shed. He could feel the pain and heartache and sense the damage that had been done on his part.

Once Mark approached Lexie's room he was blindsided by his friend Callie Torres once again as she showed up prepared with a list of questions to ask. "Hey did you do it? How'd it go? Was she mad? Like really mad? Or did she understand the circumstances?"

"I…I couldn't go through with it," Mark admitted feeling very sheepish and embarrassed as he could see the disappointment in Callie's facial expression.

"Mark, you wimp, what happened?" Callie slapped his arm. Mark just took it without even saying anything which automatically made Callie feel bad so she switched to a less harsh tone. "C'mon seriously, What happened Mark?"

"I…She…It," Mark tried to get the story out but couldn't figure out the right way to start.

"Ok, breathe," Callie grabbed his shoulders and made eye contact, "Just start off slow. Tell me what happened first,"

Mark connected his friend's gaze and took in a deep breath, "I went to Derek for my cell phone and he said Julia was in the on-call room. I went in and I was about to say it but she cut me off and hugged me and said she was sorry and that I had the right to be angry and upset,"

"So, why didn't you just end things?" Callie was confused by the lack of details.

"I was gonna but then she…She told me that she'd do anything she could to repair Lexie's bummed vision," Mark admitted, already ashamed of himself.

It took Callie a second to put the pieces together but the she immediately gasped, "No Mark. No you didn't. You stayed with her so you can get Lexie a surgery!?" Callie yelled in surprise.

Mark shushed her so that no one would overhear. "I know I know that's bad but…I have to do it for her. What kind of life will she have if she can't see?" Mark pointed at her room while speaking. "If I were to break up with Julia right now Lexie might never get that surgery. I know that Julia isn't the only eye doctor in the world but I've seen her work. She's amazing. She made a war vet who'd been blind for twenty years regain his vision after one quick operation. She's good."

Callie sighed and took her hands off of Mark's broad shoulders and rolled her eyes, "Alright…I understand. I won't say anything. Just…Be careful. Don't hurt either of them,"

"That's what I'm afraid of," mark stated as he looked into the window at Lexie. She was sleeping again and Jackson Avery was sitting at her bedside. Meredith was standing in the corner bouncing Zola and Derek was conversing with a nurse in the doorway.

"I'll either end up disappointing Lexie for abusing Julia's surgical skills, end up ruining Julia's life or….Both," Mark confessed. "What do I do Cal?"

"Well…That's your decision Mark,"

"But I don't know what to do! I need you to tell me what to do. You have to," Mark shook Callie to show how serious he was being.

"Ok ok…Calm down," Callie held her hands out in front of her to keep him back. "I'll give you some advice. Keep thinking about it. Think it over until you can't think straight anymore, you know. Just. Just let everything settle down. Let it all sink in."

Let it all sink in. Those words. That basically meant that you were screwed and there was nothing they could do to help you.

"Let's just go back in there now. You can see Lexie. Maybe that'll take all those stressful thoughts out of your mind. Okay? And Arizona's coming down with Sofia too. I thought you might like to see her, put a smile on that grumpy face of yours maybe." Callie pushed Mark towards the door. "Whattaya say?"

"Yeah," Mark sighed.

"Alright?" Callie asked to confirm.

"Alright," Mark answered in a depressing to9ne.

"Alright!" Callie repeated enthusiastically. "Turn that frown upside down!" She squeezed Mark's scruffy cheeks together to try and get him to laugh or smile or show something other than anger and sadness, but she ended up being the only one chuckling.

"It'll all be different soon. Don't worry Mark. In a few months you'll be back to your old schedule, bored with life and wishing for something to happen. Cheer up. You'll make it through. You and Lexie will." Callie gave him some last assuring words before they re-entered the growingly crowded hospital room.