Am I nothing?

Julian was in love. The Spoon Snake was made up of little blocks of color, and Noel explained (illustrating with scraps of paper) how the blocks would move in and out as the snake slithered and spoke. Julian was absolutely fascinated. Tim had been working on some animation for the Pod, and Julian enjoyed standing over his shoulder and marvelling. It was like discovering someone you've known for ages speaks a second language; the person suddenly seems new and exotic, almost alien, expressing thoughts and feelings without needing the aid of the English language. Remarkable.

Noel was completely red and his hands were shaking, but he didn't try to hide his work the way Tim would when he got shy. Tim folds under Julian's scrutiny, seeing criticism where there's nothing but admiration.

"Why is he the Jelly Fox?" Julian asked as he examined the series of paintings. The colors were bright but with great big slashes of black that gave them an ominous feel, despite the carnival colors. Julian doesn't know much about art, but they look like the kind of paintings he would buy if he bought paintings.

Noel is staring at him blankly, his all-too-pretty blues eyes unfocused.

"Why is he made of Jelly Tots?" Julian asked again.

Noel shrugged. "Because he's the Jelly Fox, that's why! He can't just be the Marmalade Fox or the Mars Bar Fox, that would be mental."

"Are these characters all Athenas?" Julian asked, "Just leaping forth from your brain fully formed?"

"I don't know what that means," Noel said, shyly rubbing the toe of his boot in circles on the carpet. Noel is practically feral by Julian's standards. When Noel doesn't know or understand something, he rushes to inform those around him of his ignorance. Instead of hiding his weaknesses, Noel holds a big yellow arrow towards them. It seems so uncivilized, like going to church without wearing pants.

Noel's mum and dad had seemed so normal, not at all the ex-hippies Julian expected. Noel's mother was sweet and charming and almost disturbingly attractive. Noel had mentioned his parents were young. There had been a moment, when she put her hand on his chest, that Julian had a fleeting thought about trying to pull Noel's mother.

Noel laughs when Julian laughs.

There are a startling number of portraits of Bryan Ferry. Another popular subject is Syd Barrett.

"I spell my name differently, you know," Julian pointed out, wondering if Julian Pettifer would have captured Noel's attention so fully.

"Yeah, you pronounce it different, too. Julian? Sounds nothing like Syd. Too many sylables. I'm going to call you Ju, it's closer."

"You can't call me Ju." Julian tried for a firm tone, but he was still laughing. "Ju is already a word. You can't go around saying, 'Hi, Ju,' and not upset a few people..."

"Can I call you Julie B.?"

Noel was standing far too close, looking up at Julian and licking his lips nervously.

"Only my mother is allowed to call me Julie B."

"Why's that?"

"She's pretty much running my career as a rapper," Julian explained, refusing to step back from Noel, who kept creeping closer into his personal space. "She's my Dre."

Noel collapsed on his bed, giggling. He'd been sipping alcopops all night, and he was girlie drink drunk. Julian dropped onto the bed next to Noel. He'd had about eight beers too many. He was going to be useless tomorrow. He would have been better off with whiskey on ice, but he hadn't wanted to get drunk; he'd just wanted to relax.

If he was any more relaxed, he'd be asleep.

"Do you want some tea? Coffee?" Noel asked. His voice had gone all squawky. He was nervous. He needed a dozen pints so he could be relaxed, like Julian. Like Julie B.

Julian stretched out on the bed, keeping one foot firmly on the floor to keep the room from spinning. "I'm fine, just... a little dizzy."

"You can really knock'em back," Noel observed as he slowly lowered himself down so he was lying face to face with Julian. "I never seen you drink so much."

Noel's cheeks were flushed and his eyes were glassy, like he had a fever. Julian brushed the younger man's fringe off of his forehead, causing Noel to gasp and then laugh hysterically. They took turns gasping and laughing until Julian gave in and gave Noel a kiss; just a quick, innocent kiss. Followed by a slightly longer, but still relatively innocent snog.

The third kiss involved a bit more tongue than Julian was expecting.

There were a lot of factors to consider. There was something of a friendship to be maintained. There was a germ of an idea of a partnership to be considered. There was the fact that Julian was paranoid and needy and incapable of casual sex.

Most importantly, there was the fact that Julian was usually useless in the sack when beer drunk. Whiskey can lead to some damn fine shagging, but beer can only bring lazy, bloated, slightly numb chaos to the bedroom.

Then there's the fact that Julian knows he doesn't want a relationship with a man.

It didn't seem worth the risk. Julian dreaded the idea of his beer-addled John Thomas simply losing interest with Noel. There was no way the kid wouldn't take it personally. Noel's hand was on Julian's thigh and working its way up. It was time to end things before they got out of hand. Or in hand, as it were.

Julian pulled Noel's hand from his thigh and pinned it above the smaller man's head. It made for a tempting enough sight that Julian had to spend a few more minutes exploring Noel's surprisingly soft lips before declaring it was time to go. Noel's confusion was clear as Julian awkwardly crawled his way off the bed. Julian had no doubt Noel would eventually understand it was for the best. In the moment, it's always easy to think the sex will be worth it, but it rarely is. Awkward, self-concious, first-time sex was never worth the social anxiety that followed.

Noel looked confused and embarrassed, but he didn't argue. He just walked Julian to the door, thanking him profusely for getting him on stage. For Noel, it was a pretty high profile gig.

Julian allowed himself one more searching kiss at the door, and then it was time to focus on the task of getting home safely. He needed to get back to his flat so he could wake up full of regret.

xxx

Noel crawled out of bed to pee and grab some sugary cereal and water, then it was back under the covers. Dave and Nigel kept checking on him, like a couple of mother hens. They seemed to find it hard to believe that Noel wanted to celebrate last night's success by hiding in his room. He couldn't tell them the rest of the story. He wasn't sure he understood the rest of the story.

He was very worried the story was over. He couldn't bear to go back to the days of Julian looking through him like he wasn't there. For nearly a year, his life had revolved around getting in on Julian's joke. As little time as they actually spent together, Noel savored every accidental touch, every half-smile, every surprised chuckle. He lived for those moments when Julian would give him a long-suffering look as some mediocre comedian talked about airline food or how women liked to shop. That look said, "You and I know comedy. He is not one of us."

He really wanted to be an "us" with Julian. The idea that he had finally earned Julian's respect as a performer only to lose it by acting like a lovesick schoolgirl made Noel burrow deep into his covers. He could just hide there forever with Bryan Ferry and the Jelly Fox.

The memory of Julian's enthusiasm for Noel's painting sent a rush of heat through his body. He'd avoided discussing his art with Julian (not difficult, since Julian rarely asked him any questions), but he worried that Julian would see his work as childish. Noel knew he wasn't going to be a "real artist", he'd worked that out early on, but he loved to paint. He'd already been told that, as a painter, he was a great performance artist. He wouldn't deny it stung, but he wasn't about to give up something he loved just because he wasn't destined to be great. He would happily settle for really good. Julian thought his paintings were really good. Julian thought his stand up was great.

Noel kept the duvet over his head as he shoved sugar covered bits of puffed grain into his mouth. He didn't taste a thing, but it made him feel like a little kid again. He briefly considered calling his mother before rejecting the idea as unwise. His mother was far too perceptive. Sometimes he wished she would just be a normal mum, one who would tell him to get a real job and stop mooning over a man when he was supposed to be at least mostly straight.

He must have dozed off mid-bite. When he was startled awake by a knocking at his bedroom door, there were half chewed cereal bits on his cheek and pillow.

"Noel, Julian's on the line. He wants to speak to you," Dave yelled through the door. Noel tripped on his duvet, running towards the phone.

Julian wanted to write the new Goodies.