Julian had been on television enough for people to have a vague feeling they recognized him. Noel, despite having all of ten minutes of TV time under his belt, actually got recognized more often, due to his rather distinctive look. While people wondered if Julian was someone they'd been at school with, or perhaps the Vicar's son, they immediately recognized Noel as someone they had seen on telly.
Noel crouched behind the piece of cardboard that made up half of their set and said, "If you bomb, I'm just staying down here. Dave can carry me off with the rest of the props."
Julian only half laughed because he knew Noel was only half kidding. He felt absolutely confident that he and Noel were creating something new and special. At the moment it was a bit of shambles, but it was coming together. The sad truth was that comedy wasn't like music. You can't practice in your room until your fingers bled and then start playing in front of an audience after you've honed your craft. Comedy was all about dying. Death after death, peppered with the boisterous laugh of Noel's mother.
She would be in the audience. Lee and James would be there. Noel would have his usual coeterie. It was tempting to just fill the audience with friendly faces, but that wouldn't tell them if the material worked. Comedy required unfriendly faces and lots of them.
Asylum had been well received, though it was far from a hit. Julian had been attending a series of meetings/covert audtions for a new sketch show. He didn't want to say anything until it was confirmed, but he was fairly certain Noel was going to be brought in for an audtion as well. He hadn't been all that subtle in his lobbying for his new partner. He had complete faith in Noel's ability to be a television star and in his own ability to be a solid character actor. They were a solid duo with their wildly different personalities, but similar senses of humor. They had chemistry.
"Why all the props?" Lee asked as he handed Julian another beer. "The two of you could just stand there talking and gazing into one another's eyes. That's really what the act is about. Understand, I am using the term 'act' very loosely."
Julian rolled his eyes at Noel, who inexplicably blushed. The strangest things made Noel go red.
Julian wouldn't deny that Lee had a point: The Mighty Boosh was all about chemistry. Julian's memories of their drunken fumble were pretty vague, and he was relieved Noel seemed content to pretend the whole thing had never happened. In another place and time, maybe there could have been something there. There could have been a passionate romance that either collapsed like a souffle or simply fizzled out with time. Julian believes he has the potential to be an excellent husband, but knows he is a godawful boyfriend. He hoped that Noel realized he had dodged a bullet that night. Sex would have led to being idealized and then torn to shreds as Julian searched for the fatal flaw that would end their relationship. The fact that Julian knew this was his pattern didn't make it any easier for him to change.
"The audience is going to think you're lunatics," Lee observed. "Or drunks. Or drunken lunatics."
Julian raised his beer bottle and proposed a toast to perceptive audiences.
xxx
Noel was about to pull. The girl was asking to touch his hair and talking about how her roommate was out of town. Noel felt like a stud. He'd always gotten on well with women, but it was different lately. Women were so much more aggressive after they saw Noel perform with Julian. Noel theorized they were reacting to the tension on stage. Occasionally, Julian would kiss him or hold his hand at the end of a show. Those were usually the nights Noel got laid.
"I just love how you guys are just so magical..." She was flailing her arms a bit in her enthusiasm. "I just want to take you home!"
That was an invitation.
Noel suddenly found himself in the air, an arm wrapped around his waist.
"We're going to be on telly," Julian cried into his ear. "Unnatural Acts is a go."
"You're going to be on telly," Noel reminded his partner, who had clearly had one too many. "I'll be doing the laundry, as usual..."
"I talked the director, he knows your work. Knows you're another fucking weirdo like me. Someone will be contacting you next week," Julian explained, putting Noel back on the ground but holding his waist tightly.
The girl was giggling almost hysterically. "Are you really going to be on telly? That's amazing."
"Noel is going to be a huge star," Julian said, pitching his voice a little deeper than usual. "Be careful. You might get sucked into his orbit."
The girl giggled nervously. Noel knew exactly how she felt. She didn't get the joke, but desperately wanted to.
Julian wrapped both arms around Noel and gave him a big hug and a kiss on the cheek.
"Good show tonight, Little Man," he said, before ruffling Noel's hair and walking away. Noel blushed and readjusted his clothes.
"So... that's Julian," Noel said with a shrug.
The girl gently fluffed the side of Noel's hair. "He messed up your hair. What a brute."
Noel gave a long-suffering sigh and pouted. "Men."
Sex was on.
xxx
Rich Fulcher never fit in. Chubby, brainy kid and an army brat. Double whammy. It was: be funny, or come to school with a shot gun and tell the world why he didn't like Mondays. Rich learned to be funny.
Julian was Rich's polar opposite: tall and lean, conventionally handsome, uninterested in being liked, contemplative in his humor. On stage, Julian was frenetic and twitchy, but in real life he was quiet and almost lethargic. He always slumped in his seat; only his darting eyes showed he was not quite as relaxed as he appeared on the surface. When they first met in the Paramount commissary, they'd hit it off immediately. Julian had been amiable and quick to laugh at Rich's antics. He'd repeatedly mentioned that his "partner" and Rich would be fast friends. Even after an hour of chatting, Rich still wasn't sure what Julian meant by "partner".
Rich didn't know many people in England and was eager to make friends and connections. Julian could be both. In fact, Julian invited him to take one of the opening slots for a show he was headlining.
The night of the show, Julian looked through him. Good, bad, or indifferent, Rich was used to getting noticed in England. Julian's cold stare sent him back to high school. Rich considered locking himself in his room with some Dylan while he wrote sad poetry (that he would store in his Trapper Keeper).
It wasn't until Rich was about to go on that Julian actually acknowledged him. The comedian on stage was hitting all the usual topics, like a Mad Libs comedy act.
"Don't you hate (noun)? (Same noun) makes me want to (adverb) (verb). Unless you're (Proper Name), you shouldn't be (gerund) at the (name of place)."
He didn't notice Julian until his hand was on Rich's shoulder. Julian leaned in close to whisper in Rich's ear.
"This guy's really sucking the life out of the room. Good luck that you're up next. Good luck for me, that is. You're going to have a hell of time waking the audience up."
Julian gave him a wolfish grin and a pat on the back before abruptly walking away. Rich had a sudden urge to chase after Julian and beg for his attention and approval, but he resisted. He needed to save his pathetic pleas for attention for the audience.
xxx
Watching Noel and Julian interact, Rich again wondered exactly what Julian meant when he said "partner". Noel was pretty in a distinctly male way. When Julian would slouch, Noel would lean forward so he still had to look up to Julian. Julian had held the door for Noel and brushed a stray hair from his face. They had a strong 'couple' vibe, but then Noel started teasing Julian about a young actress.
"You only fancy her because her name is Julia," Noel teased, while twirling his hair around his finger. "You just want to be able to call out your own name in bed. Oh, Juliaaa...n. Girls are smart, she'll figure it out."
Julian threw his hands in the air and shrugged. "It's worth a try."
Noel giggled and began fidgetting with his styrofoam cup of coffee. Julian had already teased him about being unable to drink "proper coffee". Rather than just add more sugar, Noel seemed determined to force the drink down his throat.
"What are you doing to that cup?" Rich asked. "What did it ever do to you? It just wants to hold your beverage, for the love of god, let it love you!"
Noel held out a tiny piece of the cup. "This is my wife."
Rich snatched the piece from Noel's hand and started to kiss it tenderly. Noel laughed until he couldn't breath. Julian rubbed Noel's shoulders and told him to calm down. He shot Rich a look over Noel's head that made Rich feel very strange.
It made him feel like he belonged