"You were terrific, you really kept your cool..."

"You were amazing! The line you improved about the Hen & Chickens..."

"We aren't meant for that size crowd..."

"The Boosh is about intimacy, that's why we won."

"And that's why we bombed."

Noel laughed and buried his face in Julian's chest. They were curled up on Julian's bed, holding one another after a horrible, horrible performance at Edinburgh. After the elation of winning Best Newcomer, they were properly humbled by bombing in front of a massive audience.

"It wasn't that bad," Julian mused, his breath ruffling Noel's hair. "It just wasn't very good."

Noel wished he could crawl into Julian's bed for a cuddle without having to be humiliated first.

Noel closed his eyes and pretended to be asleep when Julian tried to wake him up and send him to his own bed. It didn't take much for Julian to give up and simply turn off the lights. He fought to stay awake, but it was difficult with Julian gently stroking his hair.

xxx

The new show was even better than the first. They were finally able to bring in Rich Fulcher. Their hopes of working on a show for the BBC with Rich and Sean Cullen had rather relied on Sean remaining in the country. Word from the BBC was The Mighty Boosh were a brilliant stage show, but could it work on TV? Julian hadn't taken it well.

They'd added the beautiful, brilliant, and oddly bashful Richard Ayoade. Offstage, he was shy and self-deprecating. Onstage, he was a massive tool and absolutely hilarious. Michael was playing Naboo the Enigma. He only spoke twice, but he had good lines. It worried Noel to bring his brother in and subject him to all the stress and criticism that came with live performance. He addressed his fears to Julian who laughed and said, "He has a South London lisp! He has to be in the show."

How could he argue with that logic? Having Mike along made Noel feel like an adult, for once. He tried to run interference and protect Michael when he could. His little brother was already a pothead, but there were far too many other drugs available as they toured Australia. As with everything, it was all old news to Julian. Noel had been scandalized the first time Julian offered him a bump. It was like having his dad offer to tie him off. Cocaine made Julian... not all that different. If anything, he seemed more relaxed. Noel would feel ready to climb the walls, and Ju would wax philosphical about jazz and comedy. All the stimulants seemed to mellow Julian out a bit. Pot, Benzos and opiates put Julian to sleep. Noel had spent more than one paranoid night staring at Julian to make sure he was still breathing. Julian said hallucinogenics were redundant with Noel around. While it wasn't really a compliment, it still made Noel blush.

Michael already had liver problems; he didn't need to be partying like a rock star.

The last thing Michael needed was to be curled up in a corner with a numb face and racing thoughts, while Julian banged on about Weather Report. Noel would not recomend the experience.

"Stop talking about jazz," Noel pleaded. "You're giving me a panic attack."

"You fear jazz," Julian teased, looking relaxed except that he kept rubbing his nose, checking for residue.

"Where's Mike?" Noel asked, suddenly panicked. "I forgot to watch over Mike!"

"Calm down, chewy teeth, he took off to the beach with some girl. I don't think he wants you watching," Julian said with a distinctly un-Julian giggle.

"No way! He's going to beat me to beach sex? That little motherfucker."

"You've never had sex on a beach?" Julian asked, his stare suddenly intense.

Noel felt himself blushing. "I don't go to the beach. Have you done it?"

Julian fell off his bed laughing and scooted over to Noel's corner.

"I can barely handle the stress of keeping it up in private."

"You done it with that girl in a cab," Noel reminded him. Julian only talked about his sex life when it made for a funny story. That story had ended with the cabbie recognizing Julian and telling him his mum fancied him on "Unnatural Acts".

"I was pissed and she did all the work. And there was no sand or threat of jellyfish. Or sharks."

"That is something they forgot to put in the "Jaws" films," Noel chuckled. "They needed more scenes of Jaws sneaking up on couples shagging on the beach."

"First you've got sand in your crevices, then you've had your leg chomped off at the knee by a great white," Julian pontificated, pulling Noel into a half hug. "It's too much for me to deal with."

"I'm pretty sure it's a law that you have to shag on the beach in Australia. I don't think they let you leave until you can produce some sand in your nether regions. If we want to see England again," Noel explained, "We're going to have to shag on the beach."

It wasn't until Julian made a suggestive noise that Noel realized what he had said. He didn't bother explaining his wording; Julian knew what he really meant.

He meant just what he said.

xxx

Julian was slurring his words and chain smoking - normally a bad sign, but tonight he was in a good mood. He was just going on about his favorite obsession, the lovely Julia Davis. Julian always had a new theory why Julia wouldn't go out with him. Noel thought it might have something to do with the fact that Julian never actually asked her out.

"The thing is - so this is the thing: the first time I met Julia, I was still dating Roger, so now she sees me as this sexually confused person who is desperate for affection - which is true - but not a reason she shouldn't marry me," Julian said with great authority, as he tapped on the mahogany bar before adding, "and have my babies."

"You wanna repeat that?" Noel asked, his stomach somewhere on the floor. He clutched at his bar stool for support.

"I want Julia to have my babies," Julian repeated with exagerrated annoyance. "Keep up."

"Who the fuck is Roger?" Noel could feel his face turning red, and Julian was just giving him a guileless look like there was nothing strange or earth-shattering in what he had just said.

Julian twitched. "Roger. Bass player? I know you've met him. Tall, darkish, glasses..."

"You said you were dating Roger when you met Julia," Noel squawked, hating the high-pitched tone coming from his mouth.

They had been sitting at the bar so closely their shoulders were pressed together, and Noel could smell the whiskey on Julian's breath. Now there was a foot between them, and Julian had lost his loopey, drunken, Julia Davis loving expression.

"Yeah?"

"Well... He's a man!" Noel whispered, exasperated by Julian's confusion, like he had no idea what Noel was on about. "Since when did you date men?"

"I don't, not since Roger, and that only lasted two months... Why are you making such a big deal out of this? You're wearing eye-liner, for Christ's sake, you can't be that straight," Julian said in his I'm-joking-now-but-I'm-about-to-get-pissed-off voice. Noel knew it was time to retreat. That would be the smart thing to do.

"So you were fucking some guy named Roger for two months... When was this? How has this never come up before now?"

It was the moment Julian should have either started yelling or simply stormed off; instead, he slumped over the bar. "I don't like to talk about it."

"I guess not!" Noel couldn't control the pitch of his voice. Soon only dogs would be able to hear him. "Does everyone but me know about this?"

"This?" Julian repeated, running his tongue over his teeth. "Yeah. We're not having this conversation."

"Why do you just get to decide what we will and won't talk about? You're just the god in this relationship? You just get to hand down decrees from your fucking mountain..."

"You're yelling, and you're yelling utter shite, so I'm leaving," Julian said in his all-too-familiar, icy tone before downing his lager. "Piss off, Noel."

"Fuck you, Ju!" Noel yelled. As soon as he did, he silently acknowledged that Julian had a point about going around calling someone Ju. It did sound a bit anti-semitic during an argument.

Julian walked away like Noel wasn't worth glaring at.