Chapter 20 - Fear
Loki and Tony shared another look of anticipation as they soared over the water in the plane, fuel low, reactor possibly about to kick in. This was the fun of having a man with a reckless side as his companion; when they were in danger, he didn't turn to fear, but excitement, and it only made it all the more exciting for Tony.
"The reactor should hold. The plane wouldn't start until I'd upgraded it, and worst comes to worst I hook mine in and -"
"Don't even think about it." All amusement was gone from Loki's sharp tone. "You have no idea what that could do."
Tony waved away the disagreement with a careless hand.
"Nothing to worry about. If it did happen it wouldn't be for long. It would be just like the suit."
And like that, Loki was furious, blue eyes blazing with fury.
"No. Not an option. Your suit was built around being supported by that piece in your chest, you do not go around throwing its power around without a though. Bloody humans." Tone furious, Loki began muttering under my breath, something more about humans and Tony's own stupidity. Turning his hands so they were palms up, Tony felt a current pass through the plane which stopped shuddering, coming out even and gliding over land, the landing gears coming down, setting them down gently, rolling to a gentle stop. Without another word, Loki climbed out of the plane, storming back to the house, anger seething with every step.
"Did you just magic the plane to get it to land properly? because there is no way I did that!" Tony called, both terrified and amazed by the show of power as he climbed out to watch Loki stomp off. "Where are you going? We landed safely! I thought it was a pretty good ride! A few things to work on, maybe. Loki! Did you hear me? I'm sorry it wasn't as safe as I made it seem at first but we're fine? You made sure of that!" He watched with growing apprehension as Loki went inside and slammed the door closed, leaving Tony outside alone. He ran to the door, not opening but calling through it instead. "Loki, what's wrong?" he shouted, but the door stayed closed, and he stared up at the house. Something crashes inside and Loki suddenly appears in the doorway, glaring murderously.
"Do you really have so little regard for your own life? Hooking up the thing that is keeping you alive just for a bloody test?" He slams the door away and Tony stares, mouth forming an 'Oh' of surprise. He rushes inside, only to find a mess of things that Loki had clearly trashed in his anger, but Loki himself was nowhere to be seen. Fear gripped him. Had he scared him off? He'd only been thinking out loud. He was Tony Stark for God's sake. He was supposed to pull stupid and reckless stunts; supposed to risk his life for seemingly no reason; and nobody was really supposed to care.
"Loki, where are you? That's not what I was doing – not what I was going to do. Process of elimination. I was going through ideas but you cut me off before I could finish. I just didn't want to crash with you in the plane, okay? It would've wounded my fragile ego." he tried to joke, but when there was no response, the fear hit again, and he let the truth slide, hoping to bring Loki out of wherever he was hiding. "I was worried, okay? You were there to and I didn't want to crash and get us both hurt."
From a far off room came a disbelieving noise of discontent.
"As if a minor crash could harm me." Again Loki appeared in a doorway, this time across the room from Tony. "You had no idea what harm could come from you adding your power to the plane. It could've sucked every little bit of energy from you before you had the chance to blink and yet you thought nothing of it. The reactor you built for the plane is of the same design but larger and yet it couldn't seem to do the job properly. for a genius, you obviously weren't thinking." he hissed, slamming the door and cutting them off again, enjoying the angry sound as it suited his mood. Loki knew he was being unfair, but he couldn't help himself. The terror he had felt at the mere suggestion of Tony attaching himself to the plane was enough to justify his mood. He didn't like the feeling of terror, and would fight anything that brought such a feeling to him.
Tony moved towards the door and leaned against it, understanding now why the other was so upset, and yet he hadn't been able to help himself.
"I forget sometimes that you aren't human. Yes you have magic and yes you're some sort of Norse God, but I forget. No matter what happens, and how many times the world is saved and the gang gets together, I'll never get used to it. I'm a man of science. I don't believe in religion and magic. So I forget." he felt a wave of anger that he was having to expose all of this, but he knew the person on the other side of the door needed it, because as much as he raged about being an ageless god, he needed these shows of emotion; they were what gave him understanding, and in a sense, they were what gave him strength. "I was scared," Tony continued, "Scared because I know that without my suit it's pretty damn easy for me to die. And so sitting in that plane, way higher than logically we should've been, I was scared for you too." he gritted his teeth against what he knew had to come next. "I'm sorry." he apologized, "Okay? I'm sorry. Please come out."
Leaning against the other side of the door, Loki closes his eyes, feeling the guilt washing over him from his outburst, and for forcing Tony to be so brutally honest, but the guilt only weighed so much, and it was for Tony, not for himself. He knew that no matter how unjust he seemed to Tony, these were his fears – that one day, Tony would overestimate himself, and die.
"It terrifies me that you forget what I'm capable of," he finally responded, and Tony looked at the door in relief, glad Loki was finally speaking to him, but not liking where the response was going.
"It terrifies me that one day, like today, you'll think I'm in trouble and you'll do something like this and I wont be there to stop you, and then what would I do? We both know perfectly well that I would be fine, but you wouldn't be, and that is unacceptable to me."
Tony gave a heavy sigh, unsure how to proceed as this conversation was turning into something far deeper than about a simple plane incident. "Loki, you know I'm reckless, but I'm still alive. God or not, you have to understand that I would do anything for you, stupid or not. I have to believe that you're going to be there to stop me from getting myself killed, as much as it irks me to admit that." Then came the part he feared most, "Unless you don't want to be." he shook off the thought and leaned patiently against the door, hoping to pull Loki out of his mood but knowing this conversation wasn't going to end so easily.
"It isn't that I'm opposed to you worrying, as I know wanting that is futile, and in all honesty it's flattering to be worried about as you worry for me. And you must know that I will always be there, but i worry too, because I never forget how easily I could lose you. and the idea terrifies me more than anything else. Nothing could make me suffer so much as that. It is the only thing in all of existence that i am afraid of."
Tony sucked in a breath and then tried the handle again, but it was still locked.
"Loki, open the door. Now."
As soon as the sound of the lock clicking meets his ears, he's inside the room, searching for Loki, and finding him leaning against the wall next to the door, head resting against the wall, eyes clothes, appearing exhausted. Without saying a word, he sits next to him, wrapping his arm around Loki's shoulders, and Loki leans into him.
"I may be a stupid little human, but I'm not about to die on you." he soothed, feeling out of his depth, but it seemed to be the right thing to say because Loki responded.
"I know you aren't suicidal Tony, and if that's what you read from my words I apologize. It's the risks; the unnecessary ones; like considering attaching yourself to a plane when the reactor already in place seems to be doing nothing." there was a dry note to the statement and Tony chuckled. "You are a brilliant man Tony, but I swear to anything and anyone who will listen, that if you ever pull such a stunt again, I will chain you up and hold you hostage in an alternate dimension where you will never be able to make such a useless decision ever again."
That brought out a full laughter, but Loki wasn't finished.
"I know my reaction was far angrier than you deserved, but just, use that brilliance of yours and think. Alright? Just think of the damage you could do. I don't care if you experiment in your lab, or with your suit. It unnerves me, but I understand that the feeling is mutual for you with my magic. It's the larger things that I can't stand for."
Tony turns his face to press a kiss against Loki's temple.
"I'm sorry for scaring you. And I promise if I ever make a similarly stupid decision in the future you have my full permission to chain me up and hide me in some alternate universe."
That earned him a small burst of laughter, and Tony let himself relax.
"But do me a favour? Oh mighty god of mine?"
Loki gave Tony an arch look.
"And what would that be?"
"Stop making me admit weakness. It's ruining my image."
Loki blinked for a second, and then laughed, long and hard.
"Only you, Mr. Stark, would worry so much about image when you could've died."
"Could've being the operative word."
Loki gave an adoring smile before sobering up, turning to place a hand on Tony's cheek.
"I have one last request for you today." he said gravely, and once again nervous, Tony nodded. "You expect me to share my fears, and yet you avoid yours as if they were a plague. I would remind you that it is not a weakness – not with me – not ever. I am a god and yet you somehow manage to bring me to my knees with barely a thought." Tony began to interrupt but Loki silenced him with a look. "And I've accepted that, because I know you need to see it. Just please. Share your fears with me. I am not here as your housekeeper, to nag and worry about every little thing, I am your lover, and lovers share these things with each other. No?"
Tony nodded silently, for once speechless by the man kneeling in front of him. When he continued to remain silent, Loki frowned.
"Tony, if I have overstepped some human boundary-" he began, retreating, but Tony caught his hand before he could, keeping him in place.
"Oh no you don't. You're not going anywhere. I'm just taking a moment to – think."
Again Loki frowned, but he didn't move away this time.
"I should think none of this is surprising." he mused, and Tony just shot him a look.
"I'm trying to think of how to respond." he snapped, and with that Loki grinned, all anger forgotten.
"I've managed to make the famous Tony Stark speechless? My, my. That is quite the feat." Tony shot him a dark look, but the smile playing at the corners of his mouth cancelled it out.
"You're infuriating," Tony muttered, leaning into kiss him, and Loki just gave an impish grin.
"It would seem I've gotten that bad habit from you." he teased. With a low, playful growl, Tony tackled him, knocking them both down and kissing him thoroughly.
"Let's see what other bad habits you've learned."