Title: The Secret Keeper

Author: Concupid

Pairing: Noel/Julian

Rating: R

Warnings: non-explicit sex, RPS, angst

Summary: Dave gets a new bit of insight.

Author's note: Thanks to bluestocking79 for her tireless betaing and to everyone who is reading. You are all awesome.

Dave woke up confused and disoriented. It was hardly unusual, but it was still unpleasant. He was curled up on the floor of the van, using one of Noel's studded boots as a pillow. He imagined his face looked like a pin cushion.

He could hear Noel speaking quietly.

"Me and Dave will be fine. He knows how to drive and everything!" Noel spoke in a gentle tone. Julian snorted, and Noel giggled.

Julian and Noel had been in the middle of a seemingly endless row when Dave had fallen asleep. They'd been snapping at one another for days. It never turned into a proper fight, because one of them would always back down and keep the peace. When Dave had suggested a good old-fashioned slap fight to break the tension, Noel and Julian had laughed while carefully not looking at one another. Julian's shooting schedule for his film had been moved up by six months to accommodate the schedules of (in Julian's words) "actors you've actually heard of." Noel and Julian had been working on a show for two months, but Julian would now be filming through the Edinburgh festival. They needed to decide whether or not to completely abandon the show.

It was terrible timing. The Mighty Boosh was really gaining momentum, and everyone was saying they should be on telly. No one wanted to actually pay for it or work out the details, but everyone agreed the Mighty Boosh needed to bring their insanity to the masses. Now they were at a crossroads, waiting for Julian to decide if he was going to focus on getting a larger audience for the Boosh or advancing his acting career. Like everyone, Dave was trying very hard to appear neutral and supportive, while mentally begging Julian to pull out of the film.

Dave usually enjoyed the early part of putting together a stage show. For a few months, it would just be the three of them on the road. It was exhausting, but it was a bit magical as he watched a show take form and grow. Random ideas turned into full-blown concepts. A joke over breakfast would become a mainstay of the show. Dave remembered the petrol stop where Julian had bought them all individual custard pies. Dave had tried to save his for later, but Julian had screamed, "Why you no like my pie?" until he gave in. Dave had taken the Polaroid of Noel with his tongue sticking out, and he'd written "Keep it real" on the bottom. Neither Noel nor Julian had an especially good memory, so Dave felt like some mystical secret keeper. He was the only person who actually understood all the jokes in the show.

He remembered the first time Noel had ever said, "You may have taught me everything I know, but you didn't teach me everything you know!" Noel had been trying to side-step an argument by making Julian laugh. It was a pretty common occurrence.

The first time they'd gone on tour, Dave had been taken aback by Julian's mood swings. Dave and Noel would tiptoe around the Northerner like a sleeping giant. Soon enough, Dave could see what Noel was always saying: Julian seemed angry when he was worried. If you could make him laugh, or at least acknowledge what was really bothering him, he'd calm down. The gift Julian had for channeling his nervous energy into a performance disappeared when he left the stage. Off the stage, he was buffeted about by his own emotions, like a sailboat in a storm.

Dave coughed politely, but Noel continued speaking in a soothing tone. Unsurprisingly, they were too caught up in one another to notice someone else's presence.

"I've got some ideas," Noel continued. "I need to work on my solo stuff if you're going to be a big movie star..."

At first, Dave thought Julian was laughing, but Noel probably wouldn't be shushing him and saying, "It'll all work out," if Julian were laughing. Dave was going to have to pretend to sleep forever.

"Sorry," Julian sniffed; anything else he might have said was muffled as Noel hugged him. It was cold as hell and the van's heater barely worked, so they were all bundled up in thick coats. Under different circumstances, the loud noises of Noel and Julian's coats rubbing together as they embraced might have been funny. Dave was beginning to wonder if he should pretend to snore. He couldn't pretend to wake up until he was sure Julian had composed himself. What he really wanted was a sign that read, "We will never discuss what I've seen."

He had to peek when things started getting louder in the front seat. He opened one eye for a moment. It was enough to see that Noel was pushing Julian's coat off of his shoulders. It was hardly the first time Dave had seen the two of them kiss; they snogged all the time, but it was usually (knowingly) for an audience. While he'd assumed Noel and Julian's relationship was a bit... complicated, he still wasn't prepared to witness those complications up close.

Dave closed his eyes and tried to think of a town he'd visited for every letter in the alphabet. The kissing sounds just kept getting sloppier, and Dave was only on L for Leeds when he heard a zipper being undone.

He fondly remembered a time when hearing Julian cry had seemed like the most uncomfortable thing he'd ever have to pretend to sleep through.

"Noel, you don't have to..."

"Shhh, Dave's sleeping... and I want to."

Noel sounded nervous, and it occurred to Dave that he would never be able to ask Noel why. This would always be a little, one-sided secret in their friendship. Noel never came out and said he fancied Julian. He physically hung on Julian, praised him to the rafters, imitated his movements, teased him relentlessly about his looks and generally acted like Julian's girlfriend, but he was always a bit too polite and British to mention the obvious. It was hardly a one-sided love affair. Julian openly adored Noel, frequently watching him with a kind of wolfish appreciation, and yet Dave was in no way surprised it was Noel going down on Julian.

Dave tried to think about his student loans, but Noel was making the kind of sloppy, happy sounds that made it very hard to think of anything but an amazing blow job.

So Dave tried to think of his first girlfriend, or his last girlfriend, or any girl. He needed something to chase the vision of Noel sucking Julian's dick from his brain before it burned into the back of his eyelids. Noel had a disturbing habit of sucking everything through a straw in the most obscene manner possible. When Dave had teased him about it, Noel had seemed sincerely surprised. He stroked his straw and ran it across his lips as he asked Dave to explain why he thought Noel used his straw "weird".

He didn't want to think of the hollow in Noel's cheeks when he sucked.

He opened one eye. Noel was mostly hidden from view. All Dave could see was half of Julian's face, and Julian's pale hand patting Noel's head. Dave squeezed his eyes shut and promised himself to never ever be nosy again.

He opened his eyes one more time. Julian looked completely serene. No one passing would know he was getting a blowie, based on his calm expression. The hand on Noel's head looked calm and sure. Occasionally, Julian's jaw would tense a bit. It wasn't very noticeable, but those who worked with Julian looked for that tic on a daily basis. That was the first sign Julian was getting a bit "offish" as they would call it. Early intervention could stave off a full blown break down... most of the time.

Dave wondered how often Noel used this particular relaxation technique.

xxx

Dave looked like hell at breakfast. He kept his eyes on his plate and was drinking his coffee black.

"Rough night in the back of the van?" Noel asked. Dave had slept while Noel had kept Julian entertained through the long night's drive. They hadn't hit their host's home until 3am.

Dave shrugged. "I slept like a log, but I'm all sore. You know how it is."

That he did. The first time Dave had come on the road, Noel had all but begged him to come. They needed the help, and Noel was a little afraid of travelling alone with Julian. His partner could get incredibly moody, and sometimes Noel just collapsed under the weight of his disapproval. Dave kept him centered. He was a voice of reason for both of them. After the first year, Dave seemed to simply assume he would always be their third man on the road.

Sometimes it made Noel smile just thinking about Dave's friendship. After Julian's breakdown the night before, they'd ended up holding one another in the front of the van. Noel had refused a return blowjob from Julian (whose eyelashes were still wet with tears), but he wasn't quite strong enough to turn down a hand job. He clung to Ju's neck and came as quickly as he could. He wasn't sure how long they stayed in their awkward embrace before Julian pointed out they needed to get moving.

"Dave might like to sleep in a proper bed some time tonight," Noel pointed out as he'd tried to pull himself together.

"Sometimes I'm jealous of how much he loves you," Julian announced. He had a tendency of dropping those kinds of revelations out of nowhere, and (as always) Noel was caught off guard. He had said the first thing that came into his mind.

"I love him, too."

Julian had laughed. "I'm jealous of that as well."

There were still traces of Julian in Noel's mouth. His partner couldn't possibly doubt the depth of Noel's feelings for him.

Noel was knocked out of his reverie by their host, Adelaide, a woman in her sixties who came to see the Boosh every chance she had. She had a distinct crush on Julian and always called him "the Big Man."

"I wrapped some food for the Big Man," she announced, putting a napkin-wrapped bundle into Noel's hands. "Is he still sleeping?"

"He's on the phone with his agent," Noel explained vaguely. He had yet to tell Dave about their sudden change in plans. "He's being offered all kinds of films. He's going to be a movie star."

"A movie star? I hope he doesn't forget the little people!" Adelaide pinched Noel's cheek as she said 'little people'. He wondered if she was referring to his relatively diminutive height or level of fame.

When she walked away, Noel asked Dave a question he'd been wondering for a while.

"Does she think I'm Julian's girlfriend?"

Dave laughed a little too hard, confirming Noel's suspicion. Even Adelaide thought he was Julian's boy toy.

He did his best to sound cool and confident as he explained to Dave that they would simply put the Boosh on hold for a bit, while Julian focused on his acting career. He was going to line up a few projects back to back and then turn his full attention back to the Boosh.

In the meantime, Noel would do a solo show. It was important to prove himself as an individual performer. He made it clear that it was the best solution for everyone involved, and when he started crying, Dave held him and Adelaide brought him a box of chocolates. As bad as he felt, bawling his eyes out and wondering if he was being left behind forever, it was infinitely preferable to watching Julian try not to cry.

Maybe Adelaide was right. Maybe Noel would always be the little woman bringing her man his breakfast, so that he could focus on manly things like having a career and making sure his hair never accidentally looked like it had been combed. Noel decided he was going to buy himself a pearl necklace. If he was going to be Donna Reed, he ought to look the part.