Head Rooms: The Tardis doesn't exactly organize it rooms like a normal home would. It's eccentric just like its owner, especially if you want anything to do with your head –such as shaving or getting some tooth paste. Rory feels he's going to learn that lesson the hard way. Crack. One-shot.
Disclaimer: If only, if only, the plot bunny sings.
Image: The Doctor Loves Those Stars by TheWoodenKing
Rating: Teen.
…
My head us a scary place,
And yet a twisting fantastical race!
…
Rory scratched at his beard and immediately sighed. He felt like he should just ask the Doctor to drop him off in Canada so he could be with his own kind, because really … his beard was getting a little ridiculous. All he wanted was a shave and a real washroom with all the fixings such as a razor. He forgot his own and he was not going to borrow Amy's pink leg shavers. Was normal hygiene too much to ask?
Not that he wasn't trying to find a normal washroom with an extra shaver or some toothpaste or a shower, but the thing was that the Tardius was big. And no, not the bigger on the inside joke because that joke stops being funny when you have to wander around multiple levels the size of a campus to try and find something as simple as a razor or toothpaste. Did the Doctor not shave or brush his teeth? Or did he only keep those kinds of things in his private bathroom which was apparently so private that no one could find it.
Yeah, this was becoming as fun as a leg cramp.
He didn't want to have to ask for directions … but …well. The room full of bananas was frightening enough. Who knew what else he'd find.
Stumbling into the control room, looking like a mountain man that hadn't shaved in a few weeks, Rory finally gave up his endless search, looking at the Doctor almost pathetically.
"Alright… I give up?"
Looking up from his work beneath the catwalk, hanging there like a monkey in a swing, the Doctor lifted his goggles onto the top of his head and stated, "Give up? Oh Rory, don't be like that. Fight the good fight and all that nonsense… Wait? I'm thinking of the Yellow Moon War of 3424. What are you giving up on?"
"Hygiene, apparently. I've found four bathrooms but for some reason there is no shower, only a toilet and I'm not sticking my head in it," he grumbled, wondering why every bathroom he found seemed to have only a loo in it and this wet towel hand thing.
The Doctor stared for a moment, eyebrow raised, before he stated, "Well, bad hygiene can be a great defense mechanism, but personally I thinking running is far more effective. Some creatures don't have olfactory components, but this is your life choice. If Amy is …"
"I don't want to give up hygiene! I was being sarcastic," stated the human, utterly irritated that the Doctor thought he was serious. Or maybe the Doctor was just messing with him. He personally could never tell.
Smiling, the other man added, "That's great. Sarcasm is a good way to release anger and trust me, you really need…"
"Doctor," stated Rory exasperatedly, before pausing to calm his frustration. "… Could you just tell me where I can wash my hair, brush my teeth and shave? The Tardis is out to get me. The floor fell out once and apparently it was a surprise diving board into the pool, and I don't even want to go into the banana room… I just want a normal loo with all the fixings, is that so much to ask?"
The Doctor smiled and stated in almost an apathetic tone, "Well, stop thinking so culturally, Rory. Think far more forwardly. If you are looking for rooms that have to do with your face or your head why not look for a room that deals with the upper extremities of your body instead of the lower ones … such as the loo?"
Rory actually sulked somewhat, murmuring, "You're telling me that I have to find a room that is just for, say, shaving?"
The Doctor, having turned back to his work, replied, "Bigger on the inside, Rory. It's not like the Tardis does not have the room, because there are so many wondrous things that have to do with shaving, like the Great Battle of the Barbers for one. All those wonderful mustaches … just … gone."
For a moment the Time Lord seemed to recall something, rubbing his chin as if he remembered a great beard he had once had and it was now gone. Personally, Rory could not imagine the Doctor with a mustache or a beard, but then again perhaps one of his other forms had looked far more pleasing with facial hair.
Shaking his head, deciding that he didn't want the Doctor to ask if they wanted to go to the Battle of Barbers, Rory almost begged, "Doctor, Amy's been here longer than me. I need directions."
The Time Lord, still petting his non-existent beard, suddenly seemed to come out of his reminiscing and kindly stated, "Go down the red hall until you get to the elevator. Ask for the elevator for the Head Rooms and it should take you right there."
Rory, almost exhausted from his hapless wandering all morning, sighed and thanked the Doctor, "Thank you, thank you. Now if you excuse me I need to apparently find a barber's room and a toothpaste room."
The Doctor nodded and was about to turn back to his own work when he stalled, his eyes going wide as if he remembered something in the large registry of his mind. Nearly falling out of his repair swing, the Doctor crawled up and popped his head above the cat walk, calling after his newest passenger.
"Oh and Rory before you go, I find it best to warn you …"
Wanted nothing more than a good clean shave, the man murmured almost sarcastically, "What … Do I need to know? That to get the toothpaste I will have to fight a hoard of tooth faeries?"
The doctor shook his head, giving a platonic smile, "No, no. They left ages ago. I just wanted to warn you about the Head Rooms. If you happen upon a room full of mist and eggs the size or your shin that peal open… don't go in there. That's not the toothpaste room… that's the Face Hugger Room."
"Face Hugger?" said the human, skeptical as he looked over his shoulder.
"Oh yes. And it might kind of sound pleasant with the hugging part… but the dying part really isn't," murmured the Time Lord as he continued to peek over the cat walk like some kind of creeper.
Rory, trying to hide the twitch of his eye, only swallowed dryly and squeaked, "Sure thing …"
Then without another word the human walked away from the insane time traveler wondering if good hygiene and a little toothpaste was worth the price of his life. Really, the place was called the Head Rooms? Did it have a room full of guillotines or a room full of jars with heads in them? A crystal skull? A room entirely subjugated by living hats?
Still walking towards the elevator, Rory couldn't help but give a passing Amy a nervous grin as she walked by. He couldn't help but note that she had leaned away as if to ignore his breath or his bushy beard. It was there, standing alone in the hall, that Rory decided that yes… yes… maybe his life was worth it.
…
Paw07: I decided to give Dr. Who another try though I'm not very knowledgeable about the fandom, but a little crossover sound like fun. Really, I can't help but wonder what kind of strange rooms a ship like the Tardis has. Though, looking at this … it feels more like this crossed over with Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy instead of Alien. XD