The following day Serena had come to their penthouse to check on Blair and the baby. She had found her in her bed eating what it looked like soup, and a not so good color on her face.
"B, you look so -"
"So ill? That's probably because I am, Serena" she said as she put another ounce of soup in her mouth.
Serena approached the bed and sit on the border. "You've got the flu? I wonder how did you take it since you haven't gone out since the baby was born."
Blair lazily shrugged her shoulders. "You forget I often have open windows in this house. Something must have entered the rooms" she said ghostly and made Serena roll her eyes.
"What, the plague?" she rolled her eyes again. "Have you called your physician yet?"
She coughed before she answered. "Yeah, she came yesterday to check on me. Dorota called her. She said I've got fever and I should take some antibiotics, and if they don't have any effect by the end of today, I should call her again."
Serena nodded. "Can you feed the baby if you're sick?"
"She said is better if I don't" Blair sighed. "It will all depend by the meds anyway. And God, they hurt so bad" she frowned and looked down at her chest. "I feel like I've got stones in my breasts. I wouldn't have the strength to nurse anyway."
"Shouldn't it be because you have milk?"
Blair seemed amused by the question. She raised an eyebrow and giggled. "I want to see your face when you'll have a baby that is constantly latched to your boobs, Serena."
"You're right, okay" Serena chuckled. "What about the baby anyway? What will she eat?"
"Too much questions in five minutes. I'm so tired." Blair put the dish with the soup aside and fixed the covers on her up to her neck. "First, the baby isn't here. She's with Chuck eating her breakfast in the living room."
"Is Chuck giving her baby milk now? I thought you said -"
"I remember what I said. But I can't feed the baby right now so baby formula has to do it."
Serena giggled happily. "My mom will be happy to hear this! I'm glad you and my step-brother are being a team in taking care of the baby."
Blair smiled warily and coughed again. She was feeling so tired that day and eating soup for breakfast wasn't great. She hated soup. But she also had to keep herself good so that she would heal soon. How annoying.
Serena stood up from the bed and showed Blair an envelope.
"What's that? I hope not another stuffed animal."
"Nah, not another plushie, I swear! It's a couture dresses actually. My mom was invited to the Mercedes Benz fashion week at the beginning of the month, and she met various designers... she asked some a favor" she said as Blair looked interested and surprised by the revelation. "And so now I've got few exclusive newborn outfits made by Marc Jacobs and Chanel."
Blair sat down on the bed. "What? Are you kidding, right?"
Serena looked pleased by Blair's reaction. She walked to her side of the bed and gave her the two bags where the tiny outfits where in. There was a brocade red dress with bows, a ruffled cream blouse and a tweed skirt, some jackets, other tiny dresses. The final touch was a small baby-sized Chanel bag in black.
She felt as if she was about to cry for joy when she touched the outfits. Along with Chuck giving her a necklace and getting closer to her, that was probably the best thing of the week.
"They're wonderful. I can't believe they did these little dresses for my baby" she said appreciating the fabric. "Also a tiny handbag... I don't know what to say."
"Just say thanks" she smiled.
"Thanks" she answered sheepishly.
Blair put the outfits back in the bag so they wouldn't get dirty. Serena promised to put the in the baby's room before leaving. Blair had asked her to be alone since she needed and wanted to sleep. Serena had agreed and sent her a kiss with her hand before she exited the door.
She was happy her best friend had thought about her and the baby. She remembered she also needed to thank Lily, give her a call. They had thought about her, and had been so kind. She should perhaps more than just say 'thanks' also give something to her? She would ask Chuck about it, for the moment she just needed to take her pills and rest.
…
While Blair was in the bedroom away from the baby, Chuck was looking after Alexandra downstairs.
He only let Blair see her for a while without touching since germs where still in the air, and then he would go in the kitchen to get the things to prepare the baby's bib. It was so unusual for him to do so, but he was trying to get used to it. That had been the second day. He had asked Dorota not to help him since it was likely that when the baby would wake during the night, there was none but him and Blair to prepare it.
He wasn't sure how much time Blair would need to heal. The physician didn't want to risk and let her nurse, and this could go on for days. Antibiotics helped but they didn't work on everyone the same way. It could pass a week and she could still be sick, they couldn't know.
Anyway when Blair's doctor came home, she seemed as if she wasn't sure of her diagnosis.
She looked vague, he could tell from the faces she was doing while checking her with the stethoscope. She had said she wanted to see if the pills would have an effect before she could say anything more.
This was worrying him, but he decided to focus on the baby not to think about it. Hopefully, during that night she would be okay and hold her baby in her arms.
Chuck was walking back and forth in the living room with the baby in his arms. He was holding her bib and the baby seemed eager to eat, but she didn't seem to have quite the appetite that day. Perhaps it was because that milk wasn't Blair's. He wondered if babies felt the difference, and considering Alexandra tried to get a grip on the bib and remove it from her mouth every ten seconds, he decided that they did. It was so tiring.
The baby was looking at him while he was giving her morning bottle, and he couldn't help by smile by how the scene was delicious.
The baby had grown up a lot since she had been born. Her head looked bigger and her eyes looked smaller than three weeks ago. She also seemed to have more hair, and eyebrows.
He wouldn't want to miss any of those details now that he had got back from LA. He decided that work would come before family only in rare occasions. The board didn't require full presence, he could send a loyal assistant to attend meetings that weren't important, and could be at his hotels less so that he would pass the afternoon and night with Blair and the baby. There were many possibilities, he hoped to make everything work.
The baby grumbled and with her small hands succeed in putting the bib away from her mouth, letting few drops of it fall on the towel she had around her neck.
"I know you don't like it but you can't eat mommy's milk for a few days" he told the baby. "I can smell this is shitty, but you can't always get what you want, little girl."
He placed the bib back in the baby's mouth and she protested again, but he tried to hold it firmly not to let her remove it from there and wet her clothes again.
The baby didn't want to give up, but he was eventually able to give her the bib. Or almost.
He wiped her mouth with the towel and put the bib away on the table next to him. The baby looked interested by his finger while he cleaned her, that she couldn't wait for him to put the pacifier back in her mouth and put his finger there instead.
"Hey, wait! You aren't supposed to suck this, are you? But I'll let you do it anyway for now since your teeth still haven't came out" he chuckled. "Don't tell you're still hungry. I've given you half a bottle of milk, and you didn't sipped it all. You love biting things, little one. But you need to digest breakfast before having fun."
The baby kept sucking his index and he moved it slowly in her mouth. She seemed entertained by this that she disclosed her lips and smiled joyfully, warming Chuck's heart. He smirked at the baby and made some noises even if he thought he was being stupid. She looked amused by every of them, and made him feel better inside.
He cooed at the baby and she smacked her lips. "You like this too much and I'll let you do it now, but don't get used to it. Daddy needs his fingers to work, and to give pleasure to mo-"
"Mr Chuck, no tell baby those things!" Dorota interrupted the moment.
Chuck turned abruptly. He wasn't waiting Dorota there but perhaps she had spied on him the whole time. He raised an eyebrow. "I thought you were going out to buy food."
Dorota's lips parted and she looked at him with guilt. "Bought lunch and dinner and things for baby already. But Miss Blair..." she was betrayed by her words.
"She sent you to spy on us?"
The maid shook her head soon. "No, no! Miss Blair didn't ask nothing."
He frowned and looked at the baby. "Is she sleeping now?"
"Miss Blair fully asleep in bed. She took pills and ate food. I bet she gonna be okay soon."
Chuck nodded and grinned at Dorota. "That's great."
Dorota smiled back and nodded too, then she excused herself saying she needed to go polish the other room.
Chuck remained alone with the baby again. Alexandra was still awake and he guessed she would be for other few hours at least, and then she would fall asleep when it was time for him and Blair to eat lunch.
His arms hurt although the baby wasn't hard to carry, and he decided to sit down on the couch to watch some TV with her. He sat the baby on his lap with her face towards the LCD screen they had in the living room, then turned the machine on and tried to find something to watch.
It was almost ten in the morning, and he wasn't expecting to find anything good, but he found a channel who was broadcasting sports. He wasn't a big fan of sports, but if there wasn't anything else to watch, so he would settle.
Once he put the remote control away, the baby complained.
He looked at her with a frown. "What, little girl? You don't like this channel?" he turned the baby towards him and she stopped mumbling. She instead started jerking her arms and trying to reach out to touch his jaw, so he turned her again and she started crying.
"I guess you don't" he realized and took the remote control again.
He went from channel to channel but Alexandra didn't seem pleased by his choices until he found a music channel. Lady Gaga's Paparazzi video was on, and she had just got up from her wheelchair to dance.
Chuck looked at the baby, she was diverted by the music and she kept jerking her arms in cheerfulness as the video went on. He had to keep both arms on her body to hold her, she was being so restless and it seemed to him she was almost dancing.
He chuckled at the baby liking Lady Gaga. "Someday I'm gonna introduce you to her, if you'll like her music when you grow up. Daddy met her in an old bar in the West Side when she wasn't famous, but don't tell mommy about it" he recommended the baby as if she could understand. "She played the piano and everyone was amazed by how good she was. Now look at her. She kills people in her music videos" he rolled his eyes when Gaga killed her boyfriend.
The song ended soon and he thought the baby would stop being so excited, but after Gaga the channel aired Rihanna's new video, and the baby couldn't stop twitching her arms.
Of course the baby got tired of music at some point. She stopped moving after a while and he noticed she was closing her eyes and reopening them every few seconds. She was indeed tired, so he turned the TV off and put a towel on his shirt and adjusted the baby there.
He started to caress her hair tardily while he felt the baby sucking on her pacifier.
The room was so silent that he thought he could fall asleep too, but he kept soothing the baby first on the couch, then walking back and forth.
He heard footsteps sometime before lunch when he was still cradling the baby. He thought it was Blair, but he knew she was too tired to walk so probably it was Dorota. He was surprised when the person reached the room and said hi.
He motioned to be quiet since the baby was falling asleep.
"What are you doing here? Your girlfriend left a hour ago."
Dan got inside the room and whispered something. "Have you seen her? I need to talk to her. Perhaps Blair knows -"
He trailed him off. "Blair is sick and I'd rather not disturb her at the moment. And no, I haven't seen my sister if not for a minute. She came to bring Blair a gift" he frowned. "Why do you care? You're not playing hide and seek, right?"
"I need to find her. She could have mistaken, err few things for something else" he explained.
"Well she isn't here anymore. Perhaps you can give her a call?"
Dan shrugged. "I don't think calling would help. The situation is bad, bad, bad" he shook is head "but why am I talking about that with you? I should probably go."
"Exactly. My baby has just fallen asleep."
They exchanged few glances for a couple of seconds and Chuck wondered why the hell Dan had come there. Not that he couldn't. He was his step-sister's boyfriend and even if they weren't great friends they had been knowing each other for a lot of years. He guessed that since Dan had disturbed him to find Serena he had probably done something bad.
He motioned for the door and turned before leaving.
Chuck was cuddling Alexandra and was already distracted by that flash encounter. When he saw Dan standing few paces from the door frame he thought that he might had to add something to his speech, or he had forgotten his bag.
"I, I just wanted to ask you something" he said looking around him. "Have you... have you ever... there's some excuse for someone that's been seen touching his co-worker?"
"What?" Chuck asked, not completely getting it.
"Has Blair ever caught you touching one of your secretaries? I mean not touching-touching... Just touching by mistake."
Chuck sighed. He wanted to pass a hand on his temples because Dan's speech was quite confusing and he was starting to have a headache. "Only thing I've ever brushed by mistake were arms or hands. I'm not a man who betrays his woman, Humphrey."
"Has she ever caught you?" he insisted.
"What is this, the quiz of 7pm? Get straight to the point or leave" Chuck rolled his eyes.
Dan bit his lip and nodded. "Okay, okay. Serena caught me" he said with an anxious face. "But nothing happened, I swear! I was in my office and Serena came, and Shelby that is the girl who shares the office with me was looking for material on a high shelf. She was on a little ladder and I was behind her. Not to let her fall, of course. Nothing happened!"
"Then why are you worrying."
Dan seemed struggling with himself and his regret "Because Serena caught us! And all I could say was 'hello', then she hurried outside and left with a taxi and I couldn't explain."
"So you came here to look for her" Chuck assumed.
"Yeah."
"But she's not here."
"I know" Dan passed a hand through his hair. "And my break is almost done, err!"
"I still believe that you should call her, or send a text. If you let time pass, time will pass. She'll think there's something more between you and... Shelby."
Dan seemed desperate. He looked at his wristwatch and bit his lips again. "Fine, I'll call her. I don't have any chance anyway... Ah! Thank you for your... help."
"You're welcome" Chuck smiled bitterly and looked at his baby.
Dan smiled awkwardly probably lightened by an idea, then he turned and left.
Chuck rolled his eyes and noticed the baby was still sleeping, or sorta. He wondered how she didn't wake up, she was probably too tired. He caressed her cheek with his finger and sat down on the couch once again. Dan had let time to lunch pass very fast. The other maid would cook soon and he would eat alone if Blair wouldn't feel to get up.
He suddenly thought about something, and with the baby he went to the kitchen to inform the maid and also Dorota. She also seemed happy with the idea.
…
Blair woke up when she felt like she was too hot. She looked at the nightstand and at the clock, and she noticed it was almost lunch time. She had no idea what she would eat that day, hopefully not some liquid food like soup. She wasn't hungry, but she needed food.
Dorota had come to clean the room and take the dishes she ate for breakfast away. She had told her the baby had eaten her meal and that she was chilling with Chuck in the living room.
Around 1pm Dorota went to her room again.
She wasn't alone, this time she was with the other maids and they were bringing a tiny table. They started to prepare it in front of the bed, as she watched attentively while they put every thing on it. Last thing that came in the room was a tray with various dishes on it followed by Chuck and the baby he had in his arms.
Blair smiled widely when she saw them. The maids soon left the room and closed the door behind them.
"How are you today?" he asked sweetly and with a low voice.
"Fine, thanks" she shrugged. "I saw you succeed in putting Alexandra to sleep."
"Did Dorota tell you?"
She looked down for a brief second, it was evident. "But I didn't ask. She just... said it. She also said you were talking about our sex life with the baby."
He pretended to be surprised. "Me? Never. I would never tell our daughter such things."
He told her to wait and took the baby's chair from the nursery to put Alexandra in it. He perched the chair on the bed and put her in it, then looked at Blair again.
She was watching him with a neutral expression. She wasn't really in the mood to express any happy or sad emotion at the moment, but she wasn't okay with the baby being there, so close to her.
"What if she gets the flu too?"
Chuck looked distracted by the table. "You don't think she's enough far from you?"
She bit her lip nervously. "She's sleeping. It's better if you put her to bed to avoid anything."
"Why don't I check your temperature first?"
She shrugged and tilted her head towards the nightstand where the thermometer lied. Chuck went to the other side of the bed to wait for her to take it and check. She gave the thermometer to him to let him see too.
"102.2" he declared. "I guess I should put Alexandra to bed. If she wakes up while we eat, I'll check up on her."
Blair barely smiled and gave one look at the baby before Chuck took Alexandra away. Her temperature was still high and she hated it, but it wasn't the same thing that was bothering her. She felt relieved that Chuck had taken away the baby from the bed.
It could have happened everything. From being too close and get the virus to accidentally fall from the bed because she would make a bad move while getting off it...
"I hope you're hungry because I asked Dorota to prepare some dishes you like" Chuck said as he got back in the bedroom.
Blair seemed woken up from her thoughts when he talked. She couldn't help but look at him sheepishly, a bit lost and full of worries.
"Anything that's not soup would work fine" she agreed and got up to reach the table.
"Do I look like someone who would eat soup?" he giggled and helped her to sit down.
She smirked and looked at the dish in front of her. She hadn't ate anything like that in three or four days, although she wasn't really in the mood for eating, she decided to give up and finished half of her dish.
Once she was done, the baby cried.
Chuck looked at her with an apologetic look, and she smiled. He came back after few minutes with the baby and remained in the small hallway between their bedroom door and the door of the nursery. He thought that distance wasn't going to affect the baby, she wouldn't get the flu that far. He could still be with Blair and with the baby at the same time.
Blair saw him nursing the baby with a bib and grinned. How could she hadn't let him do that since the beginning? He looked dedicated, while she was just... she decided to ignore her thoughts and kept looking until she coughed. Chuck raised his head from the baby and looked worried at her.
"It's okay, is just the flu" Blair explained.
"You've coughed a lot last night too... are you sure is just the flu? Haven't you a sore throat too?" he asked gently as he kept feeding the baby. "Do you want me to call the doctor?"
Blair bit her lip. "Shouldn't we wait and see if before today meds have an effect?"
"I'll figured we should at least call her to check on you. Besides, the term was this morning."
She sighed and took advantage of the fact that Chuck was looking at the baby to roll her eyes. "I remember it was tomorrow" she clarified.
"This morning."
"I said tomorrow!"
Chuck shook his head and frowned. "Don't you want to be okay to look after the baby, Blair?"
Blair looked down and swallowed. Did she? She felt something toward the baby at the moment. Something like... repulsion. Not hate. It was more something scary about her that terrified Blair. She was afraid for the baby. She was afraid of how she could act with the baby there. She felt so insecure of herself that she didn't feel like being close to Alexandra in that moment. As if she was afraid to break her to pieces. As long as she would stop feeling like this and Chuck was with the baby, she could avoid touching her... right?
"I... do." She answered with a small voice.
He smiled accomplished. "I'll make the call once my baby finishes her bib" he smirked at her.
Blair managed a smile before he left the hallway for the nursery again. The baby had apparently spilled some milk on her cheek and Chuck wanted a towel to clean her.
He didn't come back if not after a while. She kept looking at them from the big bed she was lying on, the image of Chuck with the baby was adorable. He cleaned her and burped her, changed her diaper and then he cuddled the baby until she fell asleep. She had also heard him singing a sort of lullaby. She was almost to tears.
"What it is?" he asked when he saw her looking at an empty spot on the wall.
She shrugged and jolted, she had been too deep in thoughts. "Nothing." She quickly answered when she felt what he was referring to. She had her cheeks a bit wet. "Is just the cold."
He sighed. "Damn flu it chose a bad moment to hit you."
"But at least she has her father to take care of her" she said as Chuck sat down next to her and kissed her cheek.
"It's nothing. I like doing it."
"You're perfect" she said, her voice cracking a bit.
Chuck frowned and she thought he was going to ask more, but he remained silent. He grinned at her and put a strand of her hair behind her ear. The gesture made her shiver that she tilted her neck a bit aside towards him, and her cheek touched for a brief second the hand he had put on her shoulder. He started caressing that spot, and once she raised her head again he looked at her with questioning eyes.
She thought this time after feeling her cheek wet he would ask her about it, but he kept himself silent again and moved his hand on her other shoulder to close her in a hug.
They stayed like that for a while. Both in silence and both still. He thought Blair had fallen asleep once she stopped playing with his other hand, and so he whispered something to her.
"You need to be calm. I know you miss holding Alexandra, but the doctor said it's better this way. Once you'll heal there won't be anyone stopping you from hugging her and nursing her."
Blair opened her eyes slowly and hoped he hadn't seen her. She was almost lying on his lap, so she thought he hadn't. If only Chuck would know what made her cry he would be disappointed. How a bad mother she was. She hated herself so much in that moment.
At that point she heard steps from afar. She pretended she was still sleeping. The person arrived soon in their bedroom, and it was actually her physician. She faked she had just woken up, then Chuck got off bed and the woman started to check on her.
"How are we going today, Mrs Bass?"
Blair shrugged "I feel better than yesterday, but I still have a small cough."
She nodded. "Let's measure the fever to decide" she did as she said. "I thought it was going to go down after the antibiotics I gave to you" the woman frowned and looked at Blair with worried eyes. "Perhaps I need to ask you something more... does your body aches?"
"I happen to feel ache after I eat in my spine and in my breasts. I feel they are sore and as if there was a stone in them" she admitted forgetting Chuck was there.
"I should check on them, perhaps" she prompted Blair to open the shirt of her pajama.
The physician started inspecting and stopped talking. Chuck was few paces behind her and was looking at them with his hands crossed on his chest. He was totally ignorant in medicine, so he wasn't sure of what the woman was doing.
"Mmmh" she said after a minute. "I think I found why the fever hasn't decreased yet. You have an infection, a breast infection I see."
Blair frowned and suddenly felt panicked. "Breast... infection?"
"Yes. It means you have breast fever. That is the reason why you've got the flu, it's your breast that have it. There's no real explanation of why this happens, but it's very common in new and old mothers, it usually occurs few weeks after the baby is born."
Blair looked anxious, and he could see it from behind the woman.
"Is this... treatable?" he asked with a small voice.
The physician turned and smiled widely. "Sure it can. I checked the infection isn't serious. Only way to cure it is with strong antibiotics. The ones I gave you yesterday didn't work because they were probably too weak for this. But after you'll take these new ones, I'm sure fever will disappear and you can start feeding your baby again."
"Isn't dangerous for the baby?" Blair asked.
The woman shook her head. "Not exactly. You've been nursing your daughter since she was born, it's not okay to stop nursing her just because you have fever."
"But you said that -" Chuck interjected, but the physician interrupted him.
"She didn't tell me yesterday about her breasts, and I wanted to check. That's why I gave her those antibiotics and not these ones for the infection" she explained.
"How many days will pass till I'm okay again?"
"A few. You'll still feel your breasts sore when you nurse, but it's normal. The thing would be dangerous if you get fever again, because you could get a more serious infection."
The physician remained for a few minutes to explain the situation and what they should do if the fever would come back. After she left, Dorota went to buy Blair's medications and helped her to take all of them. She fell asleep after a few minutes she had taken the last, and didn't wake up until she heard the baby crying.
It was evening now, and the baby crying also meant baby wanting to eat.
Blair felt her throat close as she realized she had to nurse her again after two days of being steps apart. Her arms started to feel numb as Chuck and Dorota were in the nursery preparing the baby for her. She felt like she wasn't ready yet for that step again, she had to invent something and soon to avoid it.
Dorota was holding the baby when she and Chuck came back to the bedroom. He went to the bed and checked Blair's temperature to see if the fever had decreased. "Good, 98.6. Fever is getting better." He told her as he caressed her cheek.
He put the thermometer away and reached Dorota. He took the baby from her arms and walked to the bed to let Blair take Alexandra.
"You're going to drink mommy's milk again. Aren't you excited?" he murmured to the baby. Blair smiled awkwardly when she heard him talk, it was actually funny. Her smile though faded away when Chuck extended his arm to pass her the baby.
Blair looked reluctant, but didn't want to confess she didn't want to take the baby yet.
"Here, Blair" he prompted, but Blair remained still as if her arms were dead. "What?" he asked when she seemed quite still. "You can take the baby, Blair. You heard the physician."
She bit her lip. "What if we wait till fever disappears completely?"
Chuck frowned but figured she was right... or sort of. He asked Dorota to go downstairs and prepare baby formula for Alexandra while he would wait there with Blair.
Blair felt relieved when he decided to sit on the armchair far from the bed instead of the one closer to her. She wanted the baby, but at the same time she was afraid for the baby that she preferred not to have her closer and try. Nobody knew for sure she would almost drop the baby on the bed by accident again, but nobody was also sure she wouldn't for the second time.
She felt so screwed. She realized as soon as she was observing Chuck nursing Alexandra that there was one reason why she wasn't able to touch her daughter. It was all mental, and she didn't know how to unblock that.
She sighed and got depressed over it. How could someone heal after a trauma?
…
Was really hard for me to write this chapter since I wasn't sure people would get what Blair has. It's really difficult to explain a trauma, even a small one, I just hope I did a decent job with describing it – or starting to. I tried to look at my own traumas to take inspirations and act in a particular way. Hope it stays in character and it's mediocre (I am a bit insecure about my writing ugh) but not bad.
One note, have you seen GG Premiere? What did you think of it? I honestly was relieved by the ending. Blair pregnant as you can see from what I posted, is one of my favorite things to write, so it's obvious I'm happy it hopefully finally happens on the real show and is canon!
Okay, comments are love. See you soon! :)