Hi everyone! How are you? Sorry for the delay again, but I've been having problems. I wanted to talk to you about these 'problems'.
Lately I feel rather demotivated to write this story or any other fan fiction I posted. I love what I write even if I know there are mistakes and isn't that great stuff. I know there are better fan fics and authors and people who have better ideas and grammar than me. What I try by writing my fan fictions, is learn to write better. This is the only reason why I keep posting chapters of this fic despite the number of comments and favourites has decreased since I posted it. I find myself in a tough position.
Shall I continue, or not? You know, some days I feel no one really cares for it so why bother writing it. I am a rather insecure person, I feel as I fail my 'job' to try and do practice for my writing as none appreciates my efforts, and I also fail at entertaining readers. Writing without a comment on if your work was good or bad is the most depressing thing for a writer, because you never know if you fail what you failed of you succeed, what helped you. With this I don't want to say I'm going to stop writing this fan fiction. I'm just saying maybe updates will be less frequent.
Sorry for the rant, but that was what I have been feeling inside these past two or three months. I still love everyone, who comments and who just reads. Thank you for reading this mini-rant, now on to the chapter!
...
Blair rolled in her bed to get closer to him. He kissed her when she eagerly put her lips on his, her hands went through his hair while his cold hands traced circles on her back.
They had been doing that game for quite a while under their duvet, trying to get warmer.
"I'm freezing" she whispered after a few minutes.
He kissed her lips before answering her. "Do you want to wear your pj's? We can stop doing this if you don't feel like -"
She shook her head. "I don't mind being in my underwear, silly. These sheets have always been so damn cold..." she explained.
"You sure it's the sheets? You've been trembling for a hour and I'm sure it's not because of me" he winked.
Blair rolled her eyes. "I can get over few shivers" she mumbled and kissed him again, this time more feverishly.
Chuck didn't ask anymore about that as Blair kept stimulating him with her hands. First on his shoulders, then on his bare back until she finally reached his legs. She looked hungry of him that night even if they were just doing foreplay.
After Christmas they had decided to stop having sex at their house. Blair's parents would be there for a few days and they didn't want to repeat the embarrassing moment in which Eleanor had asked them if they had had sex before dinner. Blair had turned red and had excused herself to leave the table for a few minutes. Chuck had stayed and had kept smirking the whole time while Eric was laughing at the both of them.
Lily, Rufus, and Eric had also come to their Christmas dinner. A bit late, but they had made it.
Chuck's stepmother had to excuse for Serena's absence. Apparently she had decided to spend that day with Carter and she still wasn't sure what was wrong with her. Chuck hadn't confessed her the reason of Serena's weird acting. He hoped his stepsister would do it soon because he was a bit worried for Lily. She looked sad for her daughter.
They still hadn't heard from Serena after New Year's Eve, and they were sure they wouldn't hear from her until the holidays would be over.
Blair recoiled back to gain breath. "I definitely warmed up a bit now" she smiled.
"Glad to hear I can still do my job" he commented.
She made a face and looked down. "I know it's hard. But I don't want any more awkward moments, you know. What happened on Christmas day was -"
"Really embarrassing, I know" he finished her sentence.
She looked up and rolled her eyes. "But what happened two days later got me even more mad. How dare my mom and Cyrus to get in our room?"
"Well, we put Lexie's crib here to check on her easily, and they didn't know. They supposed this was her room when they visited us all of a sudden."
"And caught us having sex, yeah" she sighed.
Chuck shrugged. "We were covered."
"Thankfully."
"They didn't see anything, Blair. Maybe they didn't even realize what we were doing."
Blair looked surprised. "My parents may be weird but they are not six. We were making noises, loud noises. I still can't get over the moment I was screaming on the top of my lungs for you to get in my speed dial." She shook her head. "I felt so ashamed."
He smiled at the memory. "The phone game was fun, wasn't it? I bet you'd be feverish right now, if you hadn't decided to stop letting me get in your speed dial."
"Don't remind me." She looked sheepish and tried to avoid his glance.
"Today will be their last anyway. Harold asked me if I can give him the jet for tomorrow night. They're going to leave after dinner."
Blair looked up, surprised. None of her parents had told her when they would leave and now she was feeling a bit out of the loop. Not that she minded, but she thought her father would inform her first of the date of his department.
He kept glancing at her with confusion, waiting for an answer.
She kept staring at him but couldn't find what to say, so she yawned and turned. "I'm sleepy. Can we please sleep? We'll talk about this tomorrow."
Chuck agreed and shrugged before he adjusted under the duvet.
….
Alexandra was in Eleanor's arms when Blair woke up. She had hardly slept the night before as she kept thinking her parents would leave the following day. She knew that they would go home to France sooner or later, but she was fooling herself they would remain for a while longer. After all New York was their home, she wished they would spend an extra week.
"Blair, honey you're awake."
Blair suddenly changed expression and smiled at her mother. "So are you, mother. Do you have to run errands? Is kinda early."
Eleanor frowned. "Early? But, Blair is already lunchtime."
"Lunchtime?" her face grew vague.
She instantly felt anxious that time was running out. The night before she had planned to spend the majority of the day with her parents and the baby so that when they would leave, her baby would have spent a considerable time with her grandparents.
She wasn't sure when her mother would fly back to New York, it was better to think ahead and let her daughter spend some quality time with them.
"I didn't want to wake you up. You were sleeping like a child... I went to check on you."
"You did?" she asked, clearly impressed. "And what are you giving Lexie?"
She noticed some little dish in her mother's hand. "What, this? It's okay, my dear." She answered with a composed tone.
"You're giving her solid food! She never ate solid food." She said, startled.
Her mother started inspecting her. "Well this is the perfect time to eat it. She is now five months old, she should had started one month ago. Why didn't you give her back then?"
Blair rolled her eyes. "My milk is enough to keep her healthy."
"I'm sure it is, but believe me solid fo-"
"You should have asked me before. Or Chuck. You are not her mother." She raged.
Eleanor shrugged. "I've been a mother before you, Blair. I know what to do."
"It still doesn't change anything!" she almost screamed.
Her mother's attention was drawn to Alexandra when the baby started crying. "See? We're startling her. Keep your voice low."
"And you keep that dish away from my daughter, please." Blair asked politely.
The two women started glaring at each other. Eleanor still hadn't put the dish she was giving her baby on the tiny table of the room. Blair's hormones couldn't stop her. She felt it was her maternal instinct talking, and a bit of pride.
Eleanor finally decided to put away the solid food. Blair noticed it was a banana puree. It smelled bad, and she hated the sight of it.
She followed her mother's moves in silence until she gave Alexandra to her and left the room.
She seemed quite angry and nervous, but in that moment Blair didn't mind it. She couldn't let her mother be a mother for her child. She had no right.
…
Few hours later, the Bass' decided to take a walk. Blair had suggested to do this when she noticed her mother didn't show up at tea time. She was sure she had hurt her pride somehow, but she didn't care. Her mother was wrong and had to excuse herself for her behavior.
They had decided to leave Lexie with Harold. Blair had asked him to take care of her baby so that she would be sure she would still find him home when she and Chuck would get back.
"You are so silent today" Chuck noticed as they were walking on a not so crowded street.
Blair was next to him looking casually at the stores they were passing by. She smiled when she met his eyes. "Silent? I thought you liked silence."
"I don't mind silence. But I mind when you're worried."
She shook her head and looked in front of her while walking. Her arm was under his and she loosened the grip a bit when he mentioned the word 'worried'. He could read her too well, she wished he forgot how to do it sometimes.
She avoided his stare. "I'm not worried" she said with confidence.
"If it's because we left Lexie alone with your parents, I think they'll handle her very well."
She shook her head again. "I'm not worried, I said."
They kept walking as she avoided his glances.
"I heard you screaming earlier, with Eleanor" he said at some point. "I didn't get what was the matter of your conversation, but I guess it got you mad at her... did you?"
Blair sighed and rolled her eyes. "I'd rather not talk about that. I'm furious."
He nodded. "Did something happen because of the baby? If she cried again while your mother was holding her, maybe she needs to get more used of your parents. It's normal."
"How can she?" she asked with a very low voice. "How can she get used of her grandparents if they live abroad, huh? How can she know how her grandma and granddads smell?"
He frowned and stopped. He then turned her to him, her eyes were brightened up by the light of Gucci behind them. Her mouth was half open and he could see tears forming in her eyes. She looked frustrated and sad. He felt it was because of her parents leaving.
"She will remember it."
She offered him a flat smile. "I'm not sure about that" she whispered with a resigned tone. "She's too young. She is learning things and who are the people around her. This is the second time my parents met her. I'm not sure when there will be a third" she shrugged, her voice sounded fuzzy. "Oh, I know when. On her first birthday if they can fly back to their hometown for a few days."
Blair rolled her eyes and looked away. She didn't want him to think she was sad for that. She didn't want to cry in the streets.
"Or we could fly to Paris and see them" he offered.
She raised an eyebrow. "It still doesn't change things."
"Then what could? Your parents have a life in France. A house, friends. A job. They have established something there."
She barely looked up to stare at him. "Not everything they have is there!" she raised her voice a bit.
It was in those moments where she missed her parents so badly that he knew how much it was hard for her to have both her mother and father in another country. She could talk to them on the phone or call them on your laptop, but it wasn't the same thing as seeing them next to her. Contact was different.
Blair suffered the distance. An ocean separated her from her father and it wasn't easy to accept. Above all now that she had had a daughter, she wanted her to get to know her grandfather well and it was obvious she couldn't when he lived far away.
Chuck brushed her cheek. He could see clearly that she was trying to stop the tears from falling. He didn't know if he could find a solution to this problem, but he would try.
He leaned in and closed the distance between them. The moment Blair's head touched his chest, she started weeping silently. He kept massaging the back of her neck as she gave vent to her deepest worries.
She put her hand on his back and took his coat in it. He felt her gripping on him as if he was the last source she could hold on to.
"I want to go home" she sobbed.
Chuck kept her warm onto him and called the limo driver to pick them up. He had to think about something to cheer her up before they would get home.
…
Blair had wiped the chaos her mascara had done on her cheeks with a tissue. She looked good now but her eyes were still a bit red. She kept eying herself in the tiny mirror she always brought in her bag to check if her eyes would not be that red before getting to their building.
She knew she didn't have a chance for that, but she didn't want her parents to think she had cried. She wanted them to see her strong, not weak or emotional.
Chuck held her hand through all the way up to their penthouse and when the elevator opened.
They heard noises coming from the kitchen and a smell of tomatoes until a screaming Cyrus got in the foyer and saw them.
"Thank God you are back! Eleanor was getting crazy."
Blair frowned. "Did something happen while we were away? Is everyone okay?"
Cyrus made a weird face that made them worry. "Is better if you see it yourself." He said as he lead the way towards the kitchen.
When they arrived there, the baby chair was on the table. Alexandra was on it and was wailing and screaming out loud. The dress she had on was dirtied up with baby formula, and so were her hands. Eleanor and Harold had their shirts dirtied up as well with what it looked like tomatoes. They were a mess.
"Come on, baby! Stop crying, please!" Eleanor begged. "We gave you the milk and the water and you haven't stopped screaming from the top of your lungs."
"Look who is back!" Cyrus said with relief.
Eleanor and Harold both turned towards them and Blair smiled at the sight. They were funny with their clothes all smudgy.
Eleanor was relieved. "Thank God you're back. She didn't give us a break!"
Blair reached the table and took a tissue from her bag to clean the hands of the baby before taking her in her arms and cuddle her. As if Blair was some soothing medicine, Alexandra stopped crying after a few minutes. She asked for her pacifier and fixed it, then she started touching her face in order to let her feel her warmth.
Eleanor and Harold had meanwhile gone to change their clothes. When they got back, they found Blair sitting on the armchair in the living room with the baby sleeping on her lap. She motioned them to be silent because the baby had just fallen asleep.
Eleanor sat beside her, while Harold went to the counter to pour himself something to drink.
"She's so beautiful while she sleeps, isn't she" Eleanor gushed. "She is perfect. Reminds me of you when you were little."
Blair barely looked up to smile. "I wasn't as pretty as her. She is precious."
"No, that's not true my dear. You were really pretty with your brown eyes and brown curly hair. I remember you always calmed down when I put my hands through your delicious wavy head. You used to fall asleep really fast because you were soothed by my hand."
"I didn't know this" Blair answered her mother with surprise. She finally raised her head to look at her in the eyes. "I thought you didn't spend much time with me."
"Dear, I was your mother. I couldn't not spend my time with you, especially in your first months of life. You were my pearl."
Blair looked embarrassed of those words. She never really heard her mother say them. She felt the urge to cry when she realized what she had done that day had been stupid. "I'm sorry I screamed at you earlier. You were right."
Eleanor made a face. "No, you were right my dear. You are the mother and therefore I shouldn't had bought solid food before asking you just because I thought it was nice for the baby to try it" she grinned. "I'm just her grandmother."
She smiled back at her mom and tried to hug her with her free hand.
"Chuck told me you are gonna leave tonight" she said when she recoiled back.
Eleanor's expression hardened. "We have to. Holidays are over and I need to finish my Autumn/Winter collection. Cyrus and Harold have work to do as well. I wish we could remain another day but is not possible."
"Yeah, I know. But you can still come and visit more often. Lexie needs you too" she said.
Her mother nodded. "Of course we can! Our jet will be back in service soon so we won't need Charles' to fly to New York."
"A deal it's a deal."
She nodded again. "Of course."
…
After three hours, Eleanor and Cyrus and Harold, left.
It had been hard for Blair but she tried to not cry. She had realized she could survive with them visiting at least once a month as they had promised her.
She felt a little stupid for the reaction she had had that morning with her mother. She also felt stupid for have been whiny. She felt as a little girl who just wanted her parents to be there for her, not realizing she was now a parent herself and that she needed help but she also needed to try on her own with Chuck. She needed to grow up.
Her parents would always be there for them and the baby. They would try to be present as much as possible in her life so that she won't feel grandparents deprived.
"Are you okay?" Chuck asked when he reached her in the bathtub.
She glanced at him and smiled widely before moving a bit forward to make room for him behind her. She then put her bare back on his chest and let the bubbles circle them.
The baby was also there. Since Lexie had woken up again after they had accompanied her grandparents to the heliport, Blair had suggested to take a bath, all the three of them.
The baby was lying on Blair's arm and she looked carefully that the water with bubbles won't go on her face.
"You know, I realized something tonight" Blair started to say. "I was just scared."
"Scared of what?"
She sighed. "I was scared Lexie would hate her grandparents and she would blame us someday for not keeping them closer to her because they don't live here." She licked her lips and glanced at the baby. She was babbling something and looking at her breast. "I was scared she would have a dysfunctional family because she doesn't have all of her parents here."
"I don't think ours will be a dysfunctional family because Harold and Eleanor live abroad, Blair. The fact that my father is dead and she'll never know him is not important either. Because -"
She bit her lip. "Because they are always with us even if they're not here" she said with confidence. "They said they will come when they can. They want to be in Lexie's life too."
"And I'm sure they will. Your parents are good parents. They will find the time."
She nodded. "In town we still have Lily anyway. She is a good grandma" she giggled.
"She is. But please don't call her grandma. She hates it." He laughed. "Lexie is her first nephew. I thought she would have been happy to be called like that. I'm offended. If Bart was still alive I'm sure he wouldn't mind being called grandfather."
Blair smiled while their baby was patting her shoulder delicately. "I'm sorry" she murmured.
"I know."
She turned her head a bit to stare at him and Chuck leaned closer to kiss her lips. Their kiss was slow and sweet for the time it lasted.
She felt really sorry that the only parent left to him was Lily. His father had never truly followed his son's life and goals, his mother had met him and then screwed him over. His uncle was on good terms with him now, but he had also caused damage in the past.
She and Lexie were his only family besides Lily, Serena and Eric. The thing he had always wanted was finally there and she would do anything to keep it together.
"Baa" they stopped after their heard Lexie babbling.
Blair was surprised. "Have you heard that?"
"It was actually really amusing to hear."
"Lexie say it again. Ma-ma!" Blair encouraged her, but the baby didn't talk.
Chuck tried as well. "Say pa-pa, baby." He asked, but Lexie kept staring at them like a little harmless angel would do.
"Baa baa" she repeated after a while. "Baa!"
"Did she say papa?"
She sighed. "She just babbled as she always does, I guess it was our imagination."
He agreed. "But she'll say it someday. We'll throw a party when she will."
"Baaaa!" they heard again and laughed.
"I guess is time for this princess to get out of this tub. Can you please pick her robe?"
Chuck nodded and got out of the tub. Suddenly water started wetting the floor and some bubbles that were covering his body started to fade or fall on the carpet as well.
Blair turned to see what he was doing and shifted the baby as well. She placed Alexandra on her knee and the baby kept scanning the back of her father's body as he looked for the pink robe to put around her.
Lexie looked mesmerized, Blair noticed. She opened her mouth and followed Chuck's figure until he got back with what he needed. She looked up at him and saw him kneeling down to kiss her cheek first and then wrap her up with the robe. She started to squeal as soon as he picked her up and begun to pat his neck with her little hand.
He also gave Blair a towel he had took from the closet and she grinned at him.
"Thanks" she said while they went through the door that lead to their bedroom. "But I didn't need a towel."
Chuck turned to her and smirked. "No one said that I'm gonna let you keep it" he winked.
She made a vicious smile and looked sheepishly away as Chuck put the baby on the bed and started drying her with the towel.
Meanwhile Blair had brought a towel for him too. "First, she is too young to see your genitals, Bass. Second, she is your daughter."
"She won't remember it tomorrow" he shrugged and managed to fix Lexie's diaper.
Blair sighed "Don't plagiarize her innocence this early, I beg you." She teased him. "She has years to see men's genitals anyway"
He shook his head and took the towel she was handing him and fixed it around his hips.
"Who said she's going to see man's genitals, huh?" he asked the baby and tackled her. Lexie smiled and moved arms and legs playfully. "My sweetie is not going to see that until she is at least thirty years old. And she would still be too young."
Blair rolled her eyes. "I'm not sure she won't see genitals before she's thirty, Chuck. And even if she doesn't have sex with anybody, there are pornos and youtube. So it's a lose-lose."
"Then we'll block those harmful sites, right baby?"
Blair laughed at that point. "You are so sweet when you play 'jealous daddy'." She stuck her tongue out to him. "Don't worry, we'll protect her until it will arrive the time."
He looked at the baby and smiled, then he glanced at Blair. "I hope it will happen in a long, long time." He admitted in a whisper.
"I'm sure it will when she'll feel like it. Like it did to me" she curved her head to the side.
He felt relieved and confident when Blair told him that. For a moment, he distracted from what he was thinking. He was being jealous, he knew. But he also loved his daughter too much and he wanted to protect her at this young age. It was too early to start thinking about Alexandra all grown up with thousands of horny boys wanting her V-card.
He was sure he couldn't stop her once she would find the man of her life. He knew his daughter will want to have sex and find someone that would make love with her and appreciate her as much as they did. He was sure about that. It was every girl's dream.
He promised himself he would try to give Lexie everything she wanted. He would try to give her what Bart didn't give him.
He bit his lip. "I've never meant to ask... have you ever regretted?" he wondered.
She knew what he meant and she shook her head. "I haven't... and I won't."
Chuck smiled and stroked her cheek gently. "Falling in love with you was the best thing ever happened to me."
"I know" she whispered. "I love you. And I also love our daughter so much."
"I love you and her as well."
"Baaa!"
They both laughed. "Looks like she hates when she's ignored" Chuck said and tried to finish what he was doing.
Blair went into her closet and looked for a slip and underwear when the phone rang. Their maids were away, so she went back to the bedroom to pick up the phone. She wondered who could be that late, it was almost midnight.
Chuck didn't bother to look up when she answered, because he was occupied with the baby.
"Hello?"
"Blair, Blair!" Said the voice on the other end. "You need to come here soon. Serena..."
Blair started to panic. "What, Lily? Where are you?"
"At Lenox Hill... come soon. Serena is not really doing good." She seemed weeping.
"Give me the time to get there. We're getting ready."
She hang up the phone as long as she gave Lily the OK they would reach her. Still, she hadn't told her why Serena was there. She was starting to get very anxious and she hated it. She feared it was because of Serena's tough relationship with Carter.
"What did Lily want?" Chuck asked, picking up the baby now fully dressed for bed.
"Serena... she's at the hospital. Lily didn't tell me why she was there."
"Okay, we're getting dressed and we'll go there. I'll take the baby in her pajamas."
Blair nodded and tried to get ready as long as she could.
She and Chuck with their baby reached Lenox Hill after half a hour Lily had called. When they reached her, the woman was crying. Chuck gave Lexie to Blair and reached his stepmother.
"Charles, you're here" she said with a relieved voice. She then hugged him briefly.
"What does Serena have? Is she okay?" he asked with a rather fuzzy voice.
Lily shook her head. Her eyes were glossy and he thought she had cried a lot during the past hour. He could only think what it was about. "They still won't tell us, I just know that she fainted and didn't wake up again. Carter Baizen called me."
"Is he here?"
"He is waiting outside her door, there on the right." Lily said.
Chuck thought to reach him and ask, but the doctor came before he could go. Blair and the baby reached him as well when he approached Lily.
"Your daughter has lost a lot of blood, Mrs Humphrey." The doctor started to say. "We tried to do all that we could, Serena is okay. But the baby..."
"The... baby?" Lily asked, startled.
He nodded. "Yeah. Your daughter was about ten weeks along. The causes aren't clear, but we guess we can blame the mix of alcohol she had in her stomach. I'm gonna update you soon, so you can see her when she'll wake up. Give her time to rest and don't ask her many questions." He said before walking away.
Blair started crying instantly and gave the baby back to Chuck. Lily started sobbing as well and decided to go and sit on a chair before taking all the strength she had to realize what the doctor had just said.
As for Chuck... well, he was looking for Carter.