DAY ONE. TIME 1215 HOURS.
– STURM UND DRANG –
(Fade in. The commercial break ends, the final advertisement featuring Ghirahim as a spokesperson for easy, breezy, beautiful CoverGirl cosmetics, and once again SURVIVOR: GREAT SEA resumes on the air. The view is a wide-angle shot of the sea of gray and fog, and the two boats and one ship are almost impossible to discern in the chaos. The rain is just as heavy as ever, and the storm shows no signs of stopping. The camera zooms in on one particular speck. It is Team One, rowing hard through the choppy waves, spilling over crests and dipping into holes deeper than the length of their boat. A pig inside of a crate squeals. LINK TO THE PAST LINK cries out to ADULT LINK, who is still sitting up at the head, looking at the horizon.)
LINK TO THE PAST LINK, shouting: Link, can you see any land yet?
ADULT LINK: (Shakes head.) Hup!
(BLUE LINK cranes his neck about, and looks behind him on the bench: he had long since given up his rowing and instead has taken to watching the others. VIOLET LINK, who sits in back of him, is still keeping up the pace with the paddle, but his face is pale and greener than ever. Almost as green as GANONDORF's.)
BLUE LINK: H-h-how are you doing back there...?
VIOLET LINK: Hurrrgh… (He looks horrifically clammy.)
RED LINK:Aw, dude, I think he's going to blow, man.
BLUE LINK: Hang in there, Vio. We're going to reach the shore.
(LINK TO THE PAST LINK turns towards the three clones. He had been listening to their conversation, and he could not deny the fact that he was now immensely curious as to what was happening. He turns to the side to give VIOLET LINK a sidelong glance just to check up on him, and upon doing so, immediately regrets it. VIOLET is green with seasickness. LINK TO THE PAST LINK begins to row even faster. Farore forbid the little bugger pukes on him!
BLUE LINK, ignoring LINK TO THE PAST LINK, pats VIOLET on his hand. It is sweaty and wet from the rain and illness.)
BLUE LINK: Don't th-think about it.
VIOLET LINK: Urrrgh… (Sways back and forth.)
BLUE LINK: Come on! You have to do it! Don't focus on the sea. Just think about something else…
VIOLET LINK: (Looks up at him, eyes squinted.) L-l-l-like what?
BLUE LINK: I don't know. Think about the sunshine, or Princess Zelda, or something funny like the Old Man in a bathing suit.
VIOLET LINK: Oh Goddesses… (He suddenly groans, and it is too late. He loses it. An image of that creepy Old Man in a tight, form-fitting Speedo flashes clear in his mind, and he bends over to the side, tosses his head overboard, and upchucks his lunch all into the raging ocean.)
ORIGINAL LINK: (Puts an arm over his nose.) Oh for the love of Nayru. Are we there yet?!
ADULT LINK: Hyah!
(And indeed they are. The rain suddenly lets up, clearing as quickly as it had been summoned. It is as if they had entered a completely different environment. The clouds parted, and bright sunlight pierced through the cerulean sky, and seagulls launched from their rocky nests and spread their white wings, gathering over the shore and the Links' boat. Off in the distance, the six boys could see it: it was their new island home. It was a sizeable chunk of land, the sand white and unmarred by rocks or seadrrift, and trees bordered the shore, growing into thick jungle. The waves die down and become naught but quiet ripples as they drift closer to the mainland. The Links stop their paddling to gaze at the tropical paradise that would become their base of operations.)
BLUE LINK: Ah… It's so beautiful…
(The other Links nod in silent approval. ORIGINAL LINK grabs his oar again.)
ORIGINAL LINK: Well, come on, slowpokes; what are we waiting for? Let's get our butts over there! (He turns to LINK TO THE PAST LINK.) You, Pinky, push the boat from behind. Give us some extra propulsion or something.
LINK TO THE PAST LINK: What…? No!
ORIGINAL LINK: Why not?
LINK TO THE PAST LINK: I'm uh, I'm not equipped. (He looks away, red blush creeping to his cheeks.)
ORIGINAL LINK, raising an eyebrow: I… What? I just want you to push the boat; not fight it.
LINK TO THE PAST LINK: No, not that. I mean, I'm not endowed.
VIOLET LINK: (Face turns.) You're not what?!
RED LINK: I don't think he wants you to have sex with the boat, man.
LINK TO THE PAST LINK: You idiots!
(Shame-faced, he places his oar in the aisle of the canoe and stands up on his feet. The other Links watch him as he swallows a deep breath, takes one step forward, and then suddenly jumps off the boat into the water.)
BLUE LINK: …
LINK TO THE PAST LINK: (Hits the water hard and collapses in a heap.) Argh!
(And then…
He suddenly disappears. The other Links, looking at one another, then converge over to the one side, staring at where he had fallen. There had been a splash, and then…nothing. ADULT LINK looks at ORIGINAL LINK. What da fu—[beep!]? Where did he go?)
LINK TO THE PAST LINK: (Suddenly reappears back on the boat, completely dry and looking disheveled.)
ORIGINAL LINK: …How the froak did you do that?
LINK TO THE PAST LINK: I told you. I can't swim without my "endowment"!
ORIGINAL LINK: What the freaking heck is an endowment!?
BLUE LINK: Wait, I think I know! I remember reading in the Player's Guide before I got here… A Link to the Past Link can't swim without the Zora's Flippers!
LINK TO THE PAST LINK: (Face turns red.) See? I need the gift from King Zora!
ORIGINAL LINK: Why didn't you just say so? You were making it sound like you got neutered or something.
RED LINK: (Snickers.)
LINK TO THE PAST LINK: Can you blame me? Do you know how completely humiliating it is only being able to wade in shallow water?
(All the other Links look away. They cannot meet his eyes.)
LINK TO THE PAST LINK, to ORIGINAL LINK: And since you're so ready to gun orders, why don't you put your rupees where your mouth is and push the boat yourself?
ORIGINAL LINK: I, um… I don't know how, either.
LINK TO THE PAST LINK: Know how to do what?
ORIGINAL LINK: Swim, moron!
LINK TO THE PAST LINK: …
VIOLET LINK: Alright, so can anyone on this snooze cruise actually swim?
(Everybody takes a glance at one another. Only ADULT LINK raises his hand.)
RED LINK: Oh thank Goddesses.
ORIGINAL LINK: Way to go, Link! Get in there and start pushing!
ADULT LINK: Hai.
(Without a second word, the boy jumps into the water, sending waves up everywhere and splashing the others. A moment later he comes back up, gasping for breath. The other Links watch him with awe and astonishment. They could never do something as glorious as swim without their flippers! The Hero of Time darts around to the back of the boat, and then with a grunt, begins pushing at its back, kicking his feet out. It takes a second for the momentum to build up, but eventually it does, and overcoming the forces of friction, the boat begins to move forward in the water.)
RED LINK, taking his oar: Yeah! Island ho!
ORIGINAL LINK: What did you call me?!
(The remaining four Links grab their paddles and begin hustling to shore. Meanwhile, back in the midst of the horrifically bad weather…
Team Two is struggling through the raging storm which surrounds them from all sides. How far they are from their own end of the island is pretty much impossible to tell, and it seems as if they have been rowing mindlessly for hours. DARK LINK still sits at the head of the boat, staring out into the ocean. The other Links struggle behind him, furiously trying to work their oars. It doesn't help that most of their team is comprised of younglings, and their energy is being sapped short by the second. DARK LINK watches them scream for air and strain, chewing on an apple as the rain pours down on top of them.)
DARK LINK, chewing on the core: Is it possible for you kittens to go any slower?
(TWILIGHT PRINCESS LINK looks up over his oar and glares at him, gritting his teeth in a wolf-like snarl. SKYWARD SWORD LINK pats him on the shoulder.)
DARK LINK: (Smiles.) Yeah, better keep your pup on a leash, boy. (Takes another bite of apple.) I don't know what possessed the producers to let Fido out of his cage.
TWILIGHT PRINCESS LINK: (Suddenly gets up to smack his oar in DARK LINK's face.)
(GREEN LINK and SKYWARD SWORD LINK both bum-rush him and tackle him to the floor before he can follow-through. The boat rocks violently.)
WIND WAKER LINK: Watch our stuff! (Struggles to catch a crate before it flies into the tossing ocean.)
(DARK LINK is laughing.)
CHILD LINK: Ugh…
TWILIGHT PRINCESS LINK: (Suddenly surfaces from the dog-pile, eyes dangerously bright. He points a finger at DARK LINK.) Sleep with one eye open!
GREEN LINK: Hey guys, save it for the other team, okay?
DARK LINK: What was that? I'm sorry, Link, I don't speak wussy.
GREEN LINK: … (Turns to TWILIGHT PRINCESS LINK.) Okay, let's skin him.
(SKYWARD SWORD LINK and WIND WAKER LINK hold TWILIGHT PRINCESS LINK and GREEN LINK back.)
CHILD LINK: Look, can we all calm down, please?
TWILIGHT PRINCESS LINK: Yeah. Don't make me have to punch you.
DARK LINK: Oooh! That was so threatening I forgot to wet myself.
(TWILIGHT LINK bristles again.)
CHILD LINK: (Puts his face into his hands.) For the love of Din, we are never going to get anywhere.
SKYWARD SWORD LINK: (Sits back down into his seat, saying nothing. He simply picks up his oar and begins rowing again, by himself.)
WIND WAKER LINK: What are you doing, Link?
SKYWARD SWORD LINK: Getting to the island first. And then we can fight.
DARK LINK: Nah, I say we settle it right here, right now. Let me show Fluffy here who's the real alpha wolf.
TWILIGHT PRINCESS LINK: (Growls.)
CHILD LINK: Look, numbnuts, if we don't make it to the island, the only thing you'll be settling is into your seat back to Hyrule.
DARK LINK: Who are you calling a numbnuts?
SKYWARD SWORD LINK: (Begins banging his head onto the side of the canoe frustratedly.)
TWILIGHT PRINCESS LINK: (Settles back into his seat.) At this rate, I might as well swim to shore.
DARK LINK: Oh Goddesses, no. Please spare us the smell of smelly wet dog.
GREEN LINK: Are you even close to being out of dog jokes now?
DARK LINK: Well, let me see… I have to check my schedule… (He holds his hand up, and pretends to be perusing a planner. He then snaps his hand back down.) Doggone it, I'm not even close.
TWILIGHT PRINCESS LINK: (Suddenly shifts into a wolf and throws himself off the boat.)
WIND WAKER LINK: Take me with you! (Jumps into the sea after him.)
(The boy sputters after his canine friend, and grabs on to his hackles just as he is on the verge of going under. He climbs onto the wolf's back and wraps his arms around his thick neck, bobbing up and down with the ginormous waves. TWILIGHT PRINCESS LINK looks back towards the canoe expectantly.)
WIND WAKER LINK: Any more? We have room for one!
(A flash of lightning brightens the sky, and not even two seconds afterwards, thunder crashes. SKYWARD SWORD LINK puts his oar down and dives off the boat, dunking into the water and swimming after them. He climbs onto the WOLF LINK's back, and wipes his hair from his eyes. WIND WAKER LINK waves.)
WIND WAKER LINK: See you guys on the other side!
CHILD LINK: Hey! Where are you going?
WIND WAKER LINK: You all can continue duking it out. We're going to find the shore.
CHILD LINK: You don't even know which way that is!
WIND WAKER LINK: Neither do you! Check you guys later.
(WOLF LINK begins his familiar doggy paddle. The waves sweep him and his two passengers forward, and CHILD LINK and GREEN LINK watch as the sea eventually engulfs them. CHILD LINK, upon losing them in the swells, throws his oar down.)
CHILD LINK: Nice going, Shadow.
DARK LINK: Don't terrier self up about it. You're just sad you couldn't kee-pup with my paw-some good jokes.
GREEN LINK: (Crosses arms.) You mean your pup-thetically bad jokes?
CHILD LINK: … (Suddenly throws himself overboard and careens into the water.)
GREEN LINK: No wait! Link, I'm sorry!
CHILD LINK: (Swims away as fast as humanly possible.)
(GREEN LINK and DARK LINK look at one another.)
DARK LINK, singing: Just the two of us. We can make it if we try, just the two of us, hey! Just the two of us…
GREEN LINK: You're lucky I can't swim, because I would rather eat broken glass than stay on this boat any longer.
DARK LINK: (Smiles.)
GREEN LINK: (Takes an oar and moves to the back of the boat. Sitting down at the rear, he then leans over to one side and begins paddling forward. He tries to steer the canoe in the same direction CHILD and WOLF LINK had gone.)
(DARK LINK continues eating his apple…)
To be continued…