Thank you for continuing to read! I got a very, very big burst of inspiration for this story and it's starting to take a very drastic turn. This chapter is more focused on Eli and Clare's background, and it begins to unravel what used to be their home life. It also begins a bit of a mystery concerning Eli, a plot point that will be further explored as the story goes on. It's a lengthy one, so I hope that makes up for how short the others were. The entire chapter is from Clare's point of view. Review if you feel so inclined! I always appreciate the feedback!
Nothing about the city feels like home. It's always bright outside of these windows, the lights never dying out since no one sleeps here, or so they say. I'm used to the sound of crickets chirping, cars driving by on slightly damp pavement throughout the night. The ticking of the clock in the far corner of my room. Small, simple comforts that I must have taken for granted all along. No matter how much I might kick myself for it now, it's all too late. That life was left behind the minute I lost mom.
I wonder if Eli ever got this homesick when he left. I doubt it, simply because of how stoic he's always been. The strongest emotion I've ever seen out of him was anger. Fury would be a more appropriate word. And only towards dad. I suppose that sort of genuine feeling was only reserved for him, even if it wasn't in a positive light.
I wish sleep would come take me away prematurely today, the pillow beneath my head heating up uncomfortably every few minutes, causing me to flip it over, twist and turn. I've developed a kink in my back courtesy of this flimsy futon I've been sleeping on each night. Part of me wants to ask Eli if he could swing a bed for me, even just a mattress. It wouldn't need to be anything big, but even doing so much as asking if there's any cereal left earns a grunt of annoyance from him. I could swear his irritation towards me has only gotten worse since he walked in on me, as if I'd been planning it. The memory itself makes my cheeks burn harshly, the embarrassment from the situation not having worn off yet. I'm sure it never will.
Grin and bear it has been my new motto, and just about the only thing getting me through each day. Such a crippling loneliness has ensnared me. I'm stuck in it's grasp, and I fear I'm doomed to this feeling until I'm able to break out on my own.
One would think that perhaps with their own flesh and blood, they could seek comfort. Not Eli and I. I hate it.
My body jerks up in surprise as I hear the door slam, an angry Eli storming in, walking past the living room where I am and right to his room. Another slam is heard, this time more forcefully. Even the click of Eli locking himself into his room seems like a sonic boom to my ears. My nerves are a bit on edge as I turn over, still seeking that one position that I'll find most comfortable, though I bet it will keep evading me for the rest of the night. My eyes shift towards the clock and it reads 2:42 AM.
Trying to let sleep find you is almost more exhausting than actually crashing after a long day. Suffocating too, as I'm finding out the hard way.
Much to my surprise, my body starts to calm down, my system adjusting to the honks and yells outside, the small movements coming from Eli's footsteps in his room. My eyelids feel heavier with each passing second, and I could swear my lips are curling up into a grateful smile as my consciousness slips.
Until a third bang is heard, the loudest yet. I wake with a start, and at once tears of frustration start to brim in my eyes. I turn towards the stretch leading to the hall and notice Eli, pacing back and forth while he mumbles to himself. Despite the fact that he's visibly distraught, my patience has run out for him much like his did for me the moment I stepped foot into his home. "I was finally falling asleep!" I yell at him, my voice cracking as the frustration of not being able to fall into a peaceful oblivion eats me alive. Nothing is easy here, nothing comes naturally. Not even my bond with my brother.
"Welcome to the city, Clarebelle! No one sleeps, everyone fucks each other over and you're never going to get a moment of peace!" he booms back at me, the green in his eyes somehow looking darker, more concentrated than it normally does. It's only now that I notice that same fury he used to project towards our dad in his stare, his gait. But now it's on me, and that sends multiple chills down my spine.
Still, I've never known how to keep my mouth shut, and that generally has a habit of getting me in trouble.
"Do you know how hard it is to relax here? The moments I can relax are spent alone, on this futon with springs in my back! And I'm lonely all day. I haven't gotten the okay from my old school to register here so I'm wasting away, and when you get home you either have Imogen with you, or you want nothing to do with me!" At this point I let the tears fall, far past my shame in crying, showing humanity. At the very least, I can take solace in knowing that out of the two of us, I'm the only one capable of showing it.
Eli looks to me, and his expression reads as a cross between a glare and a sympathetic frown. I find myself mentally cursing his ability to confuse me, his whole disposition impossible to read. I don't know how he mastered such a skill but it's almost scary. The whole world can be shut out of those green hues of his, only leaving behind what he wants everyone to see.
"I work, Clare. I work, and I go to school too. NYU isn't a cake walk, and I have to work to keep living here. Even more so to support you as well." he spits out, laying the blame on thick. Yet again, I'm a bother to him, a nuisance. An expense that puts him out of his way. I wish I was brave enough to go sleep on a park bench instead, but god only knows what would happen to me out there. Surely nothing worse than I've already endured, but I'd rather not let the past repeat itself.
My bottom lip feels bruised and abused as I realize I've been gnawing on it for the past few moments, finally setting it free from between my teeth as I draw in a breath. "I never wanted to come here. I wanted to be home with mom but-" my voice cracks, that familiar queasy feeling resurfacing as I let thoughts of our mom hit me. Anytime I think of her now, I don't hear her light laughter, or smell the perfume she always wore. I don't remember how I'd always help her hang up laundry on Sunday afternoons or the way she'd come home with dresses or sweaters for me occasionally. All I can see is her lying on the ground lifeless, that tortured expression adorning her face. I hear the ambulance but more than that, I hear my own screams deafening me. It's all the more vivid when I dream it. I cry the same tears I did that day, but they scorch my cheeks on the way down, and no one listens when I tell them I feel alone. In my nightmsares, there is no Eli to let me come live with them. There's no one.
For a moment I think I've caught his attention enough to break him from his reverie, but again, I can't be sure when it comes to him. "I miss her, Eli." I choke out, my hand lifting quickly to wipe the tears from my eyes. Weakness, weakness. That's all I can think of anymore when I feel the moisture coming. He says nothing back to me, and that speaks louder than any words he could utter. Obviously he's been away from mom so long that he doesn't even feel this same grief over her death. How he manged to desensitize himself so much, I'll never know. I wouldn't want to. It's terrifying, how detached he is.
I turn over hastily and face the wall, my body shaking as I fight off the urge to cry again, to sob until the pillow is soaked through. I hear his footsteps and assume he's making his way back to his room until I feel arms around me, and then my body being lifted. It's a shock to my system, but I don't fight back as Eli picks me up and carries me out of the living room. I have no more fight in me. None at all.
He walks to his room, gingerly carrying me as if I was a china doll, apt to break at any point. It's a relief to be placed on his bed, though I can only imagine what sort of unspeakable things have been done in it. Still, there are no springs, no coils digging into my back. And the sheets smell like him. No matter how little I know about Eli, I know his scent, and it never fails to set my mind at ease.
"You're sleeping here from now on. I'll take the futon." he mumbles, grabbing the covers from the end of the bed and sliding them over my frame. I can't help but smile slightly as I nod, more grateful for his kind gesture than he probably realizes. He says nothing else once I'm tucked in, looking down at me questioningly as I settle in. Soon he's walking away and the door closes, only left ajar as his hand pulls on the knob. My eyes close and yet again I'm in tears, as though it's the only function I'm capable of anymore. It's the exhaustion again, but it's mixed with relief. Because of that, I can bear it. I turn my back to the door and clutch the blanket, reveling in the scent, the warmth, the much needed comfort it all supplies me with. Slowly everything calms down again, and the door creaks open. Quietly this time. I don't have the energy to turn back to see Eli so I don't bother, but I'm surprised as he comes up behind me, laying beside me. His hand reaches for my head, his lanky fingers combing slowly through my curls.
"It's just me, you can rest." he whispers, and I turn back, meeting his eyes. He looks even more worn out than I previously assumed he was, as if he was mirroring my expression exactly. It's only now that I wonder what he was so uptight about to begin with. I turn towards him, eying him curiously.
"Are you alright?" I ask carefully, not wanting to say anything to make him leave. His company is helping more than he knows, and I'm afraid that he'll up and go like he usually does.
He nods carefully, as if gauging how much conviction to puts into the gesture. It's not enough to convince me. Eli must sense the skepticism in my stare because he smirks, moving his whole palm against my scalp. The warmth is heavenly, and I can already feeling it lulling me to sleep. "I'm fine, I promise. I had a bad day at school, and I've never been good at handling my anger. I'm fine though, I swear." I still don't believe a word he says, but my eyelids are growing heavier by the second.
"You used to do this when we were little, when I couldn't sleep. After mom and dad-" I start, and he cuts me off, his expression shifting a bit.
"When they used to fight. I know. It calmed you right down, and it seems like you could use that now too." he replies quickly, and I hush for fear of making him want to leave.
Instinctively my body curls into his, my head pressed against his chest. He's sturdy, warm, and I can't help but love the safety I feel in his grasp. It's been years since he's offered this kind of closeness, and I'm in no position to refuse it.
"Please don't go after I fall asleep, like you usually do. Stay with me." I ask, and immediately after regret doing so as I worry if I was being too demanding or accusatory.
Instead he surprises me, using his free arm to pull me closer. "I'm not going anywhere."
That's all the convincing I need to successfully pass out. Everything about the moment is perfect to me, my body entirely still as I listen to Eli's breaths, how they slow down the longer we lay together. Right before I succumb to the Sandman, I feel his lips press against my forehead. It's perhaps the most loving gesture he's ever offered me. I can't deny that I crave his affection, and at this rate, I can't go without it.