Doug's POV:
Pacey had been quiet all morning. I could tell he still wasn't thrilled about the camping trip and I really couldn't blame him. This trip was not his idea. I hadn't even given him a choice about it but Dad had told me that I had better do something to talk some sense into him after I had convinced him to let the charges be dropped on both Pacey and Dru. I also knew that I could've lectured until I was blue in the face, and Pace would've never listened to me. Lecturing was going to get us nowhere. I had to reach him. To get him to open up and talk to me. Really talk, not the usual sarcastic comments and spiteful jokes we usually traded.
Besides, why would he want to spend the weekend with me? I hadn't exactly been the most supportive brother over the years. Unwanted memories of Pacey's eighteenth birthday came to mind. I had acted like a jerk along with the rest of the family with the exception of Gretchen. The worse thing was the fact that I hadn't realized it until Pacey's outburst. That night had been the first time that I had realized that something was really bothering my little brother.
"Are you going to stop sometime soon or do you plan on walking around all day?" Pacey asked, breaking through my thoughts.
"We're almost there," I told him glancing over my shoulder at him. "Do you want to take a break?"
"No. I'm fine," Pacey told me. There was a slight pause before he spoke again. "Are you headed to anywhere particular or is the long hike part of my punishment?"
"Yes, I have a destination in mind," I told him. I purposely didn't say anything more because I wanted to see if he recognized the place I was taking him.
Pacey didn't say anything else and we went back to walking in silence. It was another ten minutes until we reached the clearing I had been headed to. I took off my pack and put it up against a tree. Beside me, Pacey took off his own pack and sat it on the ground near another tree. He then sat down on the ground and leaned back against his pack. From the looks of it, I wasn't going to be getting much help from him with setting up camp.
The last thing I was going to do was waste my time arguing with him. That wasn't why I had brought him out here. Not to mention that I had been the one who had insisted on this camping trip. He hadn't exactly shown any desire of actually wanting to come along so his lack of enthusiasm wasn't really a big surprise.
I untied the tent from my pack and started setting it up. When I was about half way through the task I noticed Pacey get up and disappear into the woods. I didn't really think too much about it. I figured he just wanted to get away from me for a little while so I went back to the tent.
I was just about done with the tent when Pacey walked back into the clearing. I was surprised to see his arms filled with sticks of various sizes. He put the sticks down in a pile and then disappeared again. I was happy to see that he had decide to help out even if it was only because he had gotten bored. At least it meant that I wasn't going to have to do everything by myself.
I quickly finished the tent and then grabbed Pacey's pack and sleeping bag, which was closer than mine, and put it inside. I then retrieved my own stuff from next to the tree and I had sat it down by. I then went back outside and started helping Pacey gather firewood.
If Pacey wasn't going to talk to me I knew I was going to be in for a long and silent weekend. I was starting to think that maybe I should've just let Dad throw him into jail.
"What are you looking for?" Pacey asked me. I was kneeling next to my pack searching for my pocket knife. Other than shrugging his shoulders or giving me short answers to questions, those were the first words my brother had said to me since we had gotten to the clearing.
As for Pacey, he was stretched out on his sleeping bag. He had retreated into the tent after lunch probably to stop me from trying to start up a conversation like I had been doing. It had been fine with me because the truth was, my patience was starting to get thin. I was starting to think this trip was going to be a waste of my weekend and his.
"I'm looking for my pocket knife," I told him. I couldn't figure out what had happened to it. I was positive that I had packed it. I wanted it so I could whittle. I had taken up whittling years ago as a way to pass time on camping trips when my family had started driving me crazy which always eventually happened. Since then I had never gone on a camping trip without a pocket knife but it seemed to not have gotten into my pack this time.
"Here use this one," Pacey said. I turned around and he tossed a pocket knife in my direction.
I instantly recognized the pocket knife he had tossed to me. It was one of mine that had disappeared years ago. I had accused Pacey of taking the knife back then and he had denied doing it. Dad had searched Pacey's room and even though he hadn't found the missing pocket knife he had punished Pacey anyways.
"So you did take it," I said looking over at him. Pacey just shrugged but didn't volunteer any information. It was like talking to a brick wall. With a sigh I got up and left the tent. The thought of going back to Capeside and turning Pacey over to Dad crossed my mind. It would save me a lot of trouble but it was also mean that I would be telling Pacey that I was giving up on him. I wasn't ready to do that yet because I knew that would only make things worse.
Pacey's POV:
I watched Doug leave the tent knowing that my attitude was starting to get to him. I was starting to wear his patience thin, which with Doug was a major feat as he had the most patience of anyone I knew. I was starting to feel kind of bad partly because I was purposely trying to get on his nerves which was the whole reason that I had tossed him that pocket knife. I had a knife of my own with me that I could have given him but I wanted to see if he would recognize the knife and how he would react.
I laid in the tent for a little while longer and then crawled out. Doug was sitting across the clearing leaning up against a tree whittling.
"You know that is usual the past time of little old men," I told him unable to resist the opportunity to poke fun at my brother. Doug didn't even bother to look up so I walked closer to him.
"You know that would make a lovely gift for your boyfriend," I commented sure to get some kind of remark out of him. Doug surprised me. He didn't say anything though. I was starting to wonder how much I could get away with before Doug finally went off on me. I decided not to push it though.
Without another word I left the clearing and headed toward the nearby creek. If Doug was going to ignore me I definitely did not want to be around the campsite. Maybe jail would have been preferable to being stuck out here in the woods with Doug. I could have probably at least have some kind of conversation with my fellow cell mates.
As I sat down on a big rock next to the creek though I realized that I wasn't really being fair. Doug had made several attempts during the course of the day to start up a conversation and I had shot every attempt down. Why would he want to talk to me now especially not when I wasn't exactly being very nice? I hadn't been trying to start a conversation back there, I had been trying to start an argument. I wasn't exactly sure why though.
I don't know how long I spent sitting on that rock running things through my head but when I finally noticed the lengthening shadows I figured it would be a good idea to start back to the campsite. I hadn't brought my flashlight with me and wondering around the woods in the dark wasn't all that appealing. I had my doubts as to whether or not Doug would even bother to come look for me if I didn't show back up.
When I walked back into the clearing, I saw Doug, in the fading twilight, trying to get a fire going. Suddenly I recognized this place and finally understood why Doug had brought me here. I wasn't sure why I hadn't thought of it before as it was one of my happy memories from my childhood.
I had been nine that spring and Doug had just turned eighteen. Doug and I had been closer back then. School had just let out for the summer and Doug had promised me that he would spend the coming weekend with me. On Thursday night Doug's friends had come over and asked him to go camping with them for a few days. He had forgotten about his promise to me at first and had agreed to go with them. As he was packing the next morning I remember standing in the doorway just watching him feeling hurt. I had been looking forward to spending some time with him because I knew come fall I wouldn't be seeing him as much as he was going to be training for the police force.
Doug had finally noticed me standing there and remembered his promise to me. He ended up calling his friends and telling them he couldn't go. Later that afternoon his friends had showed up at the house again and tried to convince him to come along with them. In the end he had agreed to go but only if I could come along with them.
I had enjoyed that camping trip a lot. Being only nine, I thought it was cool hanging out with the older kids. That had actually been the camping trip on which I had "acquired" Doug's pocket knife. I had slipped it out of his pack while he and his friends were breaking down camp. Doug hadn't noticed it was missing until a few days after. By that time, I had it stashed out at the fort Dawson and I were building where it eventually got buried in the time capsule Dawson and I had buried at the end of the summer.
"Hey Pace, are you okay?" I heard Doug ask bringing me out of my daydream.
My brother was looking at me from where he was kneeling. Looking at him it occurred to me just how far apart we had grown over the last nine years and to tell you the truth I couldn't pinpoint exactly when that had started happening or why. I had always looked up to him as a kid. I wasn't sure when that had changed to the resentment that I felt toward my brother most of the time.
"Yeah, I'm fine," I told him.
I think Doug figured that was as much information as I was going to volunteer as he turned back to getting the fire going. He had a small flame going and was slowly added wood trying to build it up. I didn't want to leave the conversation there though. For some reason I had the sudden urge to talk to someone, really talk to someone.
"I was just thinking about the last time we were out here together when you took me along on the camping trip with your friends. I had a lot of fun on that camping trip," I told him as I made my way over toward the fire which was now burning pretty good.
"Yeah, that camping trip was a lot of fun," Doug agreed as he sat down in front of the fire. I sat down beside him trying to figure out what to say next.
As I got comfortable Doug handed me his old pocket knife. I hadn't expected to get it back. After all, technically it was his knife.
"Here, you might as well hang on to it now," he said as I took the knife from him. "So out of curiosity, why did you take that knife?"
"Because it was yours," I said simply. "You were going to join the police force that coming fall and I guess I felt as if I was losing you and I wanted some part of you to hold on to," I admitted trying to explain things a little better. I stared into the fire not wanting to look at him. If he was laughing at me, I really didn't want to see it. " I guess that probably sounds silly to you."
"No it doesn't," Doug told me. "It's actually kind of flattering," he told me.
I looked up from the fire and at him to see if he was joking. I knew instantly that he wasn't. I could see the sincerity in his eyes.
"Do you ever wonder what happened between us, Pace?" he asked me. It kind of spooked me that he was voicing the same thoughts that I had been thinking about just moments earlier.
"Sometimes," I admitted to him. "I guess we just both changed. It just seemed to me that the older you got the further away you seemed."
"How so?" Doug asked me. I hesitated for a minute trying to decide if I should really answer that question. The last thing I wanted to do was to get him mad a t me out here as there was a very good chance that he might actually leave me here. I finally decided to take a chance.
"I guess I just started feeling as if you were judging me just like everybody else and then when you made it through training and onto the force Dad was so proud. It suddenly seemed as if you could do no wrong in his eyes and I felt like I had to compete with you for his attention. No matter how hard I tried though I always seemed to come up short."
"Pace, I was never trying to out do you," Doug told me.
"I know," I told him and it was the truth. I know that Doug hadn't set out to make Dad over look me. I had my father to thank for that.
"And as for judging you," Doug continued, "I'm sorry if it felt that way. That wasn't my intention. I wanted you to do your best and it frustrated me when you just gave up on yourself although maybe that was partly my fault along with the rest of the family."
"Why?" I asked not really meaning to but the word just slipped out before I could stop myself from saying it. I really did want to know though. In my mind, I thought Doug could care less what I did. It seemed to me that he just wanted to turn me into Dad when ever I screwed up.
"Because I've always wanted something more for you and Gretchen," Doug told me. I looked over at him trying to believe what he was saying. "Kerry and Amber both married jerks even though I think Kerry is starting to wise up a little bit, and I gave up on my dreams to fulfill Dad's but I want something better for the two of you. You and Gretchen still have a chance of finding something that you truly want to do and that will make you happy."
"Well, at least Gretchen isn't going to disappoint you," I told him feeling ashamed. I know I had no chance of doing something worthwhile with my life. Once again I was letting people down.
"Pacey, don't give up on yourself. You have so much potential. Don't let Dad or anybody discourage you from following your heart."
"Like you did?" I asked. It just seemed to be the ending to what he was saying.
"Like I did," Doug acknowledged looking into the fire.
I had never really given much thought to why Doug had become a police officer except to come up with my Village People wisecrack. I had always just assumed that it was what he wanted to do. I had never even considered that Doug had sacrificed his own plans to fulfill Dad's dreams.
"But this is the choice I made," Doug said continuing. "And don't get me wrong I am proud of what I do. Of making a difference in people's lives. However, sometimes I wonder if I would've been happier if I had done what I wanted to do."
"Which was?"
"How did this conversation turn out to be about me?" Doug asked seeming uncomfortable.
I shrugged my shoulders but I really did want to know. I was starting to see my brother in a whole different light. More like the brother I had looked up to when I was a kid.
"Well I wanted to go to college and explore some of the things that interested me like architecture or maybe law. Dad however didn't want me to. He felt that college wasn't for me and if I went that I would only end up getting discouraged and hurt."
"Why?" I asked. I couldn't comprehend a parent not wanting their child to go on to higher education.
"You honestly don't know do you?" Doug asked me looking right at me. I shook my head no trying to figure out what he meant.
"I never got the greatest grades in school. I maybe managed to get five A's during my four years in highschool and I sturggled to get C's in order to pass my classes."
"And of course being Dad's golden boy he never got on your case about it," I commented bitterly. I regretted saying it as soon as it was out. I was on a roll with letting things slip out tonight. I was starting to think I should have never even opened my mouth. Before I could apologize though he continued.
"He did at first," Doug told me. "He'd yell at me for not studying and not trying my best. And it hurt because I was trying but no matter how hard I worked I couldn't seem to get good grades. Finally, one of my teachers suggested to Mom and Dad that there could possibly be a problem. It took awhile, but the specialists I started seeing finally discovered that I had dyslexia and that was the reason I was struggling with school. Once they figured that out they were able to help me but I still struggled."
"Is that why they had me doing all those stupid tests at one point?" I asked.
"Yeah, they thought at first that you may have the same problem."
"And that's why Dad didn't want you to go to college?"
"Dad thought that college would be too hard for me," Doug told me nodding. "That I would either get frustrated or discouraged and would end up dropping out. I just wanted to finally do something that Dad would be happy about and proud of me for so I went along with his suggestion and joined the police force. There are still times when I lie awake at night wondering if Dad had been right."
"Its not too late," I told him. "You could always take classes at the community college at night and find out."
"No, I made my choice," Doug told me. "Besides, I'm afraid to find out that Dad was right," he admitted to me.
We were quiet for awhile. I didn't know what to say to Doug's admission. Darkness had fallen while we were talking and the only light now came from the flickering fire. I looked into the flames and thought about what had just been said between us.
I suddenly understood my big brother a little better. I felt that same feeling of joy I had when I was nine years old and he was willing to spend time with me. I also started feeling that we were starting to bridge some of that distance that had built up between us over the years.
Though I was ready to admit it out loud, things were starting to look a little bit better. I still had no idea what to do about my future but for the first time in a long time I felt as though somebody in my family actually loved me.