Bonus Level: Of Babes and Babies
Felix anxiously handled his styrofoam cup as he and his wife sat in the interrogation room awaiting questioning. He had been hoping that the hospitality of their captors would continue past the provision of water and ultimately result in their release with only a warning. He'd long ago finished his water, and soon his cup would be nothing but pieces, so anxious was he. Glancing over at his wife, he noted that she was still calmly sipping her water. Such nerves of steal! Suddenly having a brilliant idea to overcome his fear, Felix broke the silence and said, "So... how do you feel about starting a family?"
Calhoun spat her water out, spraying water particles in her husband's face as of consequence of his nonchalant introduction to so delicate a subject.
"You don't want to?" the repairman asked dejectedly, interpreting her surprise as decline.
"It's not that, it's just... why are you bringing this up so suddenly?" Tamora questioned.
"Well, since we're... alone..."
"In an interrogation room. You really thought it would be a good time to bring up starting a family when we're in custody pending questioning on a firearms incident!?"
"Well, with what Ralph's been going through and us being there for him all the time, we just haven't had any time to ourselves to discuss it, so I didn't want to let this golden opportunity slide..."
"Alright. I'll let you be the one to tell our kid that we first thought of them in detention."
"You mean you want one!?" Felix beamed from ear to ear, possibly more so than was usual for his 'honey-glow'.
"I didn't say that - " Felix's face fell when she said this, " - but I'm open to discussion". This brought the honey-glow back full force.
"You do realize what a huge responsibility parenthood is, right?" Calhoun cautioned.
"Oh yes, ma'am, and what a joyous responsibility it is! Oh honey, it's gonna be delightful! Do you want a boy or a girl?" Obviously getting very excited over what he took to be an agreement to the prospect.
"Yo, Sonic! Check out the merchandise!" Jake exclaimed as a crowd of giggling girls went by, giggling all the more when he winked at them.
"Simply exquisite." Sonic agreed, though he wasn't looking at the girls. He was currently marveling over a jewelry display at one of the gift shops; a display of gold rings. He reached out and selected a particularly shiny gold ring to marvel at its superior grandeur over the ones he was so used to collecting at high speeds. Heck, if he knew stores like this existed where he could get them at his leisure, why had he spent his whole life racing after them as though his life depended on it? You know, his game's anniversary was just around the corner, and Sonic figured he deserved to treat himself to a nice ring every once in awhile. Resolving to buy one, he picked up the shiny gold one out of its box to check for a price.
Turning to join his companion and noticing the true object of Sonic's affections, Jake proclaimed, "Whoah, dude, slow down! I mean, those chicks were hot, but I had more of a fling in mind... you sure are committed, t'cha!"
"What?" Sonic asked, rather confused.
"Ok dude, if that's how you roll, I won't cramp your style... By all means, if you like it, put a ring on it, bro."
"Oh, no, that's not what I meant. You see, I collect rings - "
"WHOAH! I didn't know you were a serious ladies' man, bro! To get all the chicks begging for rings from you!? Dude! You have GOT to teach me your tricks! I bow to your superior chick-magnet-ness..."
Sonic would have protested and cleared up Jake's misunderstanding right then, if Jake's bow - for he had literally bowed at the word 'bow' - had not knocked over a couple children that were walking by, which sent them flying into the display Sonic had been looking at, and by the rules of the domino effect, would have crushed him, had he not thought fast and sped out of the way.
Turns out the rings from a jewelry store don't stick with you like the ones in a game do. Once his momentum slowed, Sonic realized he hadn't kept a tight enough grip on it, and it was now likely amongst all the others on the display that also fell to the floor. "Shouldn't be too hard to find" he mumbled to himself, reasoning that he was quite the expert on rings and could pick the shiniest one from among a thousand in a matter of seconds when the time called for it. Making a quick scan of the floor and easily identifying that sought after shiniest one, Sonic plucked it up and pocketed it for purchase - which he planned to do after he made sure the poor children were okay.
"Oh thank you, sir!" The curly blond haired lad offered, his accent giving clue to his origins from a game with a theme reminiscent of the dark ages. When the lad looked up from his bow of gratitude, Sonic visibly cringed. Surely this was the ugliest little boy he'd ever seen! Since when did little boys have a five o'clock shadow!? He may have suspected a little boy to be barefooted, but that didn't prepare him for the grotesque sight of them - they were covered with hair as thick as that on the top of his head! Eager to be out of sight of the deformed blond boy and his brunette counterpart, Sonic made a hasty "You're welcome.", hoisted Jake off the floor, and hurriedly made his way to the counter to purchase his ring. That taken care of and the unsightly children out of sight, Sonic finally replied to Jake's pleadings, which had continued to fall upon deaf ears during that whole interval.
"Yeah, Jake, sure; I'll teach you everything I know!" Which really wasn't anywhere near as much as Jake seemed to think. He thought for a fleeting moment what Jake might think of Amy, but then figured it really didn't matter; Jake was already off on some other tangent.
"Aw, dude! Check out the tiki bar! Man, this airport has EVERYTHING!" he cried, running on ahead and accepting a complimentary lei.
Though amused by his friend's antics, Sonic got to thinking that he should probably put his ring in a safer location than the box it came in, should Jake's clumsiness be proportional to his excitement. Removing his purchase from the gift box it was in, the hedgehog took a moment to admire its beauty. How could he have stuck it in a box to begin with! Or let it have touched the floor! Such magnificence should never come in contact with the filth of the ground! It was too beautiful, too extraordinary, too... precious. Slipping it on to his finger, he tossed the box into the nearest garbage can and made his way to the tiki bar where his friend was just donning his lei.
"Hey, Sonic! You should come get a lei too!" He called, turning back to face his friend. "...Sonic? Where are you?"
'Did you have one too many tiki tumblers, my friend?' Sonic thought in amusement, 'I'm right under your nose!' His amusement faded, however, when Jake looked right through him, and still continued to call out his name, "Sonic! Where are ya, man!?" 'He... really can't see me!?'
"I told you, Frodo! I don't think we're in the Shire anymore! We must be cautious who we run into; we don't know who's working for Sauron! I didn't like the looks of that overly-tanned elf and spiky blue dwarf... Are you even listening, mister Frodo?"
"Sam..." Frodo exclaimed with wide-eyed terror, "The ring... its... gone."
"I just don't know, Felix." Calhoun admitted. To be honest, the more he went on and on about all the specifics of their child, the more apprehensive she became. How could she, with her rough around the edges programming, ever manage the maternal care required for a child?
Despite his usual unobservant nature, Felix sensed her tension and interpreted the worry on her face quite accurately. "Oh, peach blossom, don't worry; I know you'd make a SUPERB mother!" he said, taking her hand in his. "And don't you worry; when your temper starts getting the better of you, I'll be there to whisper sweet nothings in your ear to calm you down."
The sergeant couldn't resist the urge and burst forth laughing. "Hah! There's only so many ways to sugar-coat non-existant whispers, tidily-winks. I'd make a soldier out of the kid faster than bacteria multiply in an incubator."
Ignoring her protest and just smiling at her in admiration, Felix just responded, "I love the way you come up with grotesquely amusing metaphors. They always give me the heebie-jeebies with a honey-glow."
"Uh... thanks? I think?"
She was saved from further discussion when their interrogators finally entered the room. Despite her prior dread when they had been brought in for questioning, Calhoun was now overjoyed to see them, since it brought a change in conversation that she found a little more welcoming than that of children.
"Oh well, guess he went off to pick up some chicks!" Jake reasoned to himself. "Wait a second! He didn't even take me with him! Some guru! He totally forgot his pupil! Alright Sonic, if you can hear me, know this! You can run, and you can hide, but you can't outrun or out-hide the Jakester! T'cha!" Stomping off in search of his 'guru', Jake suddenly stopped dead in his tracks and amended, "Oh yeah, I guess you -can- outrun me, being the fastest hedgehog and all, but I'll still get you... somehow... uncool, dude! Now I have to go pick up chicks on my own without a wing-man."
Sonic giggled to himself, despite not knowing if the ring also masked sound. Man, what a steal! He'd been chasing worthless rings all these years, and here was this ultimate ring in an airport! Best anniversary gift to himself ever! Not that he had ever bought himself a anniversary gift before... But with his great speed and this ring's powers of concealment, the possibilities for its use were endless! And for his first trick... sabotaging Jake's chick hunt.
"Are you sure you lost the ring around here, mister Frodo?"
"Yes, I remember I took it out to make sure no one had pick-pocketed, then before I knew it, we were on the ground when the tan elf bumped into us."
"Excuse me, did I hear you say you were missing a ring?" A store manager asked.
"Who wants to know?" Samwise asked cautiously.
"Oh I don't mean to be nosy, it's just that after the little spill at this display, I was able to put back every single ring; not one of them was missing... but we had just sold one to a Sonic character. I'm very sorry, but it seems we have mistakenly sold your ring to him. Please accept my apologies and feel free to select anything in the store you like that you deem of equal or greater value." he replied nervously, no doubt fearing a lawsuit.
"WHAT!?" Sam exclaimed. Frodo was too mortified for speech, and just stared blankly at the store manager as his face paled.
Seeing his friend's corpse-colored face, Sam immediately headed out from the store as he reassured, "Don't you worry, mister Frodo, I'll find that 'Sonic character', AND that ol' ring 'o yours!"
"If they don't find him first..." Frodo mumbled, a dark premonition overshadowing his consciousness.
Felix heaved a depressed sigh and sank back into his seat. Their accusers hadn't been nearly as hospitable as he would have liked - though at least they didn't throw him in a 'Fungeon'... that was a low point in his adventures in hospitality which he hoped he never had to encounter again - and sentenced them to be grounded (quite literally); banned from all flights for a year. They had left the Fix-Its alone in the questioning room again while they went to process the paperwork and book them one last flight - a one way ticket back to Litwak's arcade. Poor Ralph... after Felix had promised he'd be with him on his mission too! Now he had to abandon him at his greatest need; it was more than he could bear! Ashamed and disappointed in himself, the repairman sank in his chair and held his head in his hands. "What am I going to do?"
This audible thought woke Tamora from hers as she observed his misery. She cringed at the pitiable sight. This was her fault, after all, even if the airport's rules were just stupid and should be broken anyway. Seeking to cheer him up, she started, "Hey... A year under arcade arrest might not be so bad..." Blushing as she worked up the courage to say it, she finished with, "It could be a great chance to start that family..." Her words had the effect she had anticipated. In a flash, Felix had hopped up on his chair, grinned uncontrollably, and started hugging and kissing her in appreciation.
All of a sudden, however, he stopped his display of jubilee. "But... how are we going to adopt if we can't fly to any adoption agencies?"
She hadn't thought of that... uhhh quick, think of something! "Uhh... is there no local adoption at Litwak's? And who says it has to be through an agency? There are PLENTY of characters who need to be taken under wing. New games, abandoned games... heck, I bet Ralph could find us the perfect candidate from his H.E.R.O. program!"
"Well, I guess that's true." he admitted, though he thought it might be a little weird adopting a character they'd interacted with for awhile already.
"And it can be a boy; so we can train him to take after you!" Calhoun finished with a rare cheesy and affectionate smile.
"Oh boy!" Felix cried, ecstatic at the thought.
"Aw, dude! Really!?" Jake exclaimed in annoyance, wiping at the freshly acquired ketchup stain with a napkin. This was the third time now he'd attempted to enjoy his hot dog in peace when 'the wind' came and bumped into his chair just as he was taking a bite. What made it even worse was that each time, a group of cute girls was passing by, checking him out, then got turned off by his apparent slobbery. "Come on, Jake, my man! You gotta get your act together, t'cha!" Though it hadn't occurred to him that referring to himself in the third person probably wasn't going to help that goal.
It was then that a music video playing on the food court TV screens caught his attention. At first it was the catchy beat of the music, but then his attention was held when he noticed how odd it was. Not only could he not understand a word they were singing, they also had the strangest choreography he'd ever seen - and he'd been to a MASSIVE amount of dance parties, t'cha. It looked like the singer was trying to ride a dolphin or something - without the dolphin actually being there. What finally sold him was that he finally understood two words: "Sexy" and "Lady"... and boy, were the girls in the video lookers! It made absolutely no sense to him, but if this dude on the tube could get chicks that hot by singing gibberish and dancing like he was riding a dolphin, then it sure was worth a try himself!
Quickly learning the steps, Jake jumped up to join in, then realized he still had a ketchup stain on his white shirt. Perfect... he could use this to his advantage.
"Looks like I'm not needed here anymore!" Sonic mused to himself as he witnessed the sight of Jake dancing like he was riding a horse in the middle of the food court, with a bright red stain on his T-shirt. He couldn't help laughing as he noticed all the girls gathering around and laughing at the fool. "Maybe I can teach him a thing or two about girls after all!" He hadn't realized Jake was THAT bad off with feminine charm!
His opinion of Jake flipped dramatically when suddenly the seemingly-dimwitted lifeguard whipped off the T-shirt with the mesmerizing stain, revealing a perfectly sculpted surfer's torso; complete with a six pack. The girls who had previously been laughing at him suddenly gasped and turned to other activities like squealing, drooling, and even a swoon or two. Jake was certainly much smarter than he had given him credit for a moment ago, and now Sonic was kicking himself for inadvertently aiding him in the initial attention grabbing by causing the ketchup stain.
A chill ran up his spine as he suddenly felt the presence of something VERY evil. It seemed to resonate with the ring he was wearing - perhaps a side effect from wearing it too long? In any case, he was ready to take it off and join Jake in his little dance routine; he was getting quite jealous of all the attention. If the girls liked JAKE dancing like that, then how much MORE would they all like to see SONIC dancing like that!? Removing the ring and pocketing it, Sonic sped over and joined his friend.
"Yo, Sonic! Where ya been!? Hey, check out these fresh dance moves! The chicks love 'em!"
"Hah! Bet I can do them better!" Sonic challenged, putting his own super-fast move variations into the routine.
"Sweet, bro! Hey look! Here comes another one! We'll have ourselves a flash mob in no time!"
Sure enough, a character was dancing towards them, and also singing along! She was a cutie, for sure, with extremely long turquoise hair pulled into pigtails, high black boots and a mini skirt, and a red tattoo on her arm that read '01'.
When she had reached where they were, she rambled off a string of words in a language that definitely wasn't English. When she finished, Jake just gaped at her for a second before he said, "I have no idea what you just said... but I think I'm in love!"
Sonic just rolled his eyes at his companion's antics to win a pretty girl and responded, "She's speaking in Japanese. As a Sega character, I understood her perfectly. She was only saying that her name is Hatsune Miku, she thought it looked like you were having a lot of fun singing and dancing, so she put the track on repeat so she could join you and have fun too." He didn't translate any further however when he saw that Jake wasn't paying any attention to him; he was just strutting around all the more with his dance moves, trying to impress the girl. He soon realized he couldn't translate further anyway since she was now singing along in Korean, and he didn't have that language pack installed since his game was part of a North American distribution.
Still a bit annoyed that Jake was getting all the attention, Sonic perked up when he realized that Hatsune Miku brought more Vocaloid friends with her. They were just now joining the impromptu flash mob and the only problem that remained lied in selecting which lovely lady he'd vie for.
"Look, over there, Frodo!" Sam cried, pointing to a large crowd of people gathered in the food court. When they finally fought their way through the crowd of big people, they observed a handful of dancers; one of which was a blue hedgehog.
"Are you sure it's the right one this time, Sam?" Frodo asked. They had already apprehended five 'Sonic's, none of which remembered seeing them before and denied any purchase of a ring; though they happily produced their own collections of rings they'd earned, which were nothing like The One.
"I'm sure of it! That tanned elf is up there with him; he's got to be the one!"
"But that tanned elf isn't wearing a tunic like the one we ran into was." Frodo pointed out, still a little unsure, and thinking that the fewer 'Sonic's that knew about their business, the better.
"So maybe he took it off for some reason. Let's just go ask him!" But before Sam could take a step further, the outer wall of the food court collapsed.
"They're here..." Frodo declared in an effectively ominous tone, even if the declaration was simply stating the obvious.
When the dust cleared, two Ringwraiths became visible, sending all the occupants of the food court into a panic.
"What was that!?" Felix exclaimed when a loud noise sounded and the building vibrated a little. Calhoun had leapt to her feet millisecond before he had, her military reflexes kicking in.
A moment later, one of the airport security personnel burst into the room and commanded them to follow him. "We can't release you yet 'cause we're not done with your paperwork, but we need all hands on deck to address this sudden security breach." was the reason he gave for the sudden babysitting on the move gig.
When they arrived on the scene, they observed the security staff trying to fend back two men - or at least that's what Calhoun assumed they were, though they seemed to have supernatural abilities - clothed in all black who seemed to infuse the very essence of fear into the air. Speaking of which, she saw two children cowering beneath a table just within the battle zone, although everyone else besides the security personnel had fled the area.
Rushing to their side, she addressed them, "What are you kids doing here! You could be killed!" When they turned to look at her, she was surprised to find that they didn't look young enough to be children, even though their stature suggested they couldn't be more than seven years old.
"We're not children, we're hobbits!" Sam protested.
"Doesn't matter WHAT you are, you need to get out of here!"
"We can't." Frodo explained, "Those Ringwraiths are after something that belongs to us, but it was taken by one named 'Sonic'. Will you help us? We're all in grave danger until we get the artifact away from here."
"Come with me." Calhoun commanded, taking them to her 'babysitter'. "Tell him what you told me." They obliged.
"We can't leave our posts! It's taking all our power to keep them at bay, and they're still gaining ground!" the officer exclaimed.
"Well it looks to me that you're all doomed unless you outsource to a qualified escort for these two..." Calhoun interjected, coughing suggestively to indicate her own qualifications.
Catching the hint, the officer commanded, "Fine. YOU take them!"
Not budging, Calhoun simply protested, "But how can I escort them effectively without a weapon?"
"Fine! Take one of the reserves!"
"Oh no, I wouldn't DARE after the penalties I received the last time I wielded a firearm here..."
"Augh! Okay, okay! I'll grant you amnesty for today's charges! Now will you please just go!" he pleaded, getting desperate as the Ringwraiths gained a few feet.
Picking him up by the collar, Calhoun ordered, "You'll grant me full amnesty AND lifetime right to carry on this airline."
Hesitating, the officer didn't respond until one of the Ringwraiths made an unearthly snarl that chilled him to the bone. "Alright! Alright! Done! Now will you PLEASE help us!?" The poor guard seemed close to tears at this point.
Satisfied with her bargain, Calhoun stated, "Alright, hobbits, let's MOVE OUT! We've got a hedgehog to find..." And with that, the party consisting of herself, her husband, and the two hobbits left the very peculiar battle scene, where the very unfitting soundtrack of "Gangnam Style" persisted among the din of gunfire and RingWraith screams.
"Don't worry, Miku, I'll protect you!" Jake proclaimed, trying to sound macho even though he didn't understand the full extent of the danger they were all in. "Oh, and you too, ol' buddy!" The last part was added when Jake saw how pale Sonic looked. He was fidgeting with something in his pocket, and seemed like he was at war with himself, his face contorting into different expressions of terror and longing.
"Oh hey, look! It's Calhoun and Felix!" Jake exclaimed, flagging them down as he saw them approach. "And those kids from the store earlier!" Sonic visibly flinched at that knowledge, as if something within him detested the sight of them, though Jake couldn't figure out why Sonic would be so opposed to kids he barely knew.
"Alright, Sonic, hand it over." Calhoun demanded when she reached them.
With an urgency that surprised all of them, save perhaps the hobbits present, Sonic protested, "No! It's mine! It's my anniversary present! My preciousss!"
Quickly recovering from her astonishment, Calhoun stated, "I don't have time for this." and swiftly sucker-punched him and slapped the ring out of his hand, which he had been in the process of removing from his pocket for the purpose of wearing it once more.
Frodo instantly snatched it up after it fell to the ground, and started running as Calhoun ordered him to. She was using all her might to detain the squirming hedgehog who was fighting desperately to get at the hobbits and retrieve his 'precious'.
"Quick! Use the return home charm, Frodo!" Sam cried.
"But that will put us miles and miles behind at that milestone!" Frodo argued.
"We don't have a choice!" Sam reasoned. Within seconds, the two had disappeared, and not a moment too soon, for Sonic had just escaped Calhoun's grasp, and the Ringwraiths had broken through the security guard's defenses. Luckily, it seemed like they weren't interested in sticking around after they saw the hobbits 'return home' to their 'milestone', and soon followed suit, leaving the airport a much happier - though rather damaged - place.
The results were nearly instantaneous. Sonic returned to his senses, the sense of fear and dread left the minds of all present, though Calhoun didn't feel like sticking around long enough to risk the security officers' change of mind on her amnesty. "Alright guys, let's find Ralph and Kitty and get out of here!" Felix and Sonic heartily agreed, but Jake didn't seem to want to leave without Miku.
"Aw, come on! Can't we take her with us!?" Jake pleaded.
"Negatory. Little Miss Japan needs to return to her own game."
"But! She's got BLUE. HAIR. How awesome is that!? It's as if she spun it from the wisps upon the sea... t'cha."
"You keep sweet talking like that and I'm sure you'll find another sweetheart soon enough, lover boy."
Miku suddenly left when she saw her vocaloid friends. "Sayonara!" she called.
"See!? I'm pretty sure that means she loves me and will wait for me to come find her!" Jake reasoned.
"Actually, she just said 'goodbye'. That's not even a 'see you later'." Sonic corrected, "You just got dumped, bro!"
The crew set off to find Ralph and Kitty in much higher spirits than they had been minutes ago, with of course the exception of Jake, dejected as he was over his rejection.
True Word Count for Of Babes and Babies: 4,706
True Word Count for story thus far: 33,650
A/N #1: I apologize for how incredibly late this is! (and also for any mistakes in the chapter... I kinda rushed to finish it up so I could get SOMETHING out to ya'll) I won't make a bunch of excuses, but I feel like I do owe you at least one good reason for my tardiness. I've had a rough few weeks for a number of reasons, the most notable one probably being that I was in a car accident. I'm doing well (for anyone that may care to know), but my car wasn't quite so fortunate; and my life has become that much crazier with all the legalities and arrangements that need to be made following a car wreck. Guess I should've taken driving lessons from Vanellope, right?
A/N #2: I made some changes to the layout of the chapters and wrote up a more thorough introduction to the story in the prologue to address a lot of the feedback I've gotten so far on the story. It would mean a lot to me if those of you who have been reading and/or leaving feedback to check it out and let me know if it addresses the peculiarities of this story well, and/or any changes you think would be suitable.
Q&A!
Q: Why do you choose to put the true word count for the story?
A: Because the word counts generated by FanFiction reflect the total including all the things written in things like author's notes, Q&A, and Review Responses, rather than just the words that make up the story. It's more for my sake than all of yours, so I can make sure I don't make the chapters too long or too short, and to keep track of my writing stats.
Review Responses
Becky Blue Eyes - As you wished, this was the Sonic and Jake bonus chapter! :D I really hope my state of exhaustion did not ruin the chapter... I'll probably come back and read it when I'm more cognizant and think to myself, "What the heck was I thinking?" And sorry to keep you waiting on the main storyline so long, even though I am quite happy to hear you've become invested in Candle and Muffin's part in the cannon! I've had a ton of fun with those two...
Dixie Darlin - Exactly! I loved that part in the movie where Taffyta's mascara runs... hence why I've been trying to sneak a couple Taffyta freak out scenes in... xD I'm so cruel... Yeah, I hope a lot of the references here aren't too outdated... especially since this is all -technically- set in 2017... but I can't predict memes and games that far in the future, so this will have to do for now... x_X maybe the airline they're on just offers a lot of discounts to senior game characters... _
Shippings - Oooo you're playing the game well! Keep up the predictions! :D
CraftyKeronian - Thanks! Yeah, technically, I guess Muffin should be ethereal like Kitty and Surge are, but I kind of went on the assumption that since he's the embodiment of the processor chip's memory management, he could make an avatar for himself out of spare character code... Same for all the 'doctors', since every game needs a processor, haha.
dogbertcarroll - I've actually never seen Roger Rabbit... .
JustSomeAverageGuy - Thanks for you feedback! Please see Author's Note #2, your review was the grain that tipped the scale and prompted me to make those changes. :) I also tried to fixed as many punctuation errors as I could find throughout the chapters, but I'm sure I missed a few...