K2: Save Me From Myself Chapter 4
I stare at the door. The door he'd used to escape me. And the good feeling I'd had tagged along with him. I fall to the floor, too numb to cry. I can't believe what I just did. I used him. I used him like a doll, I threw him around and had my fun, and then I left him. I know how he feels about me...but I did it anyway. I'm such an awful person.
I've never craved the bite of metal quite so much before. I can't get these feelings out; they're trapped inside me. They're poison, infecting my whole body. I desperately think of some way to get rid of these suffocating feelings. Suddenly I look down at myself. I'm covered in cuts. All I have to do is open one wider and I'll feel better. I find a cut on my arm and dig my nail into it. I wince at the pain, and then I sigh contentedly. I even smile. I feel so relaxed, all the guilt and self-hatred washing clean of my body as the blood trickles. I wrap my hand around my arm, feel the warm and wet liquid squelch between my fingers. I fall asleep on my floor, naked, bleeding, wrapped in a sheet stained with the essence of him.
I wake up sore. There's a line of dried blood streaked down my arm. I feel cold. I shiver and climb onto the bed, pulling my comforter up to my chin. I think about calling Kenny, but I'm not sure if he wants to talk to me anymore. I don't know anything...
I decide I'll give him some space for now. Besides I've got class in about an hour anyway. Oh shit, I've got class in about an hour. I need to make sure I'm presentable...I check the wound I opened on my arm. It's clotted. Maybe I'll put a bandage on it just in case. I go to the mirror and check my face. I wince as I do so.
Yellowing bruises, nasty cuts, dried blood. I think I ought to take a shower. I hurry to the bathroom and start running the water. The heat is devastating against my tender skin. I wash away the dried blood. Some of the cuts reopen and bleed a little more. I just stand there and watch the water swirl and mix with the blood, all of it emptying down the drain. I sigh in satisfaction.
When I'm done, I get out and head to school. Class goes as you'd expect, nothing strange. People asked about my face, and I just said I got in a fight. I made up some bullshit story and people believed it. I wonder if that'll spread or not. Hopefully it's the latter.
I went home. I wasn't quite sure what to do with myself. I couldn't feel...anything. I was hollow. I've felt this way before, but it's always been confusing. Sometimes I welcome this numbness; anything besides the weight of sorrow. But...I'm not sure how to feel right now.
I need to get out of the house. I head to the mall. I'm not really sure what I plan to do there, I just need to see something besides the walls that always surround me. The walls that have witnessed me break down numerous times. I see people I know, people I haven't seen in a while. Bebe. Clyde. Craig. I gag audibly as I see Wendy walk by with Token. "Slut!" I want to scream after her. But I don't. I merely move on.
Suddenly Butters comes running up to me. He smiles and attacks me, hugging me tightly. I'm so surprised I almost fall over. I haven't seen Butters in months.
"Hey Kyle! It's so great to see you!" he exclaims, pulling away to beam at me. The gesture is so strange to me. I haven't seen anyone that happy in...God knows how long. But then his happy expression shifts to concern. "What happened to your face?" I laugh at the question; it would sound rude coming from anyone besides him.
"I got in a fight. It was dumb," I state simply. He seems in awe of me. He wants to know the details. I shift just slightly, feeling guilty about lying to someone like Butters. "This guy was just spewing a bunch of anti-Semitic crap and I overreacted. Really, it's not a big deal."
"Not a big deal?" he scoffs at the suggestion. "You're all beat up and bruised! It must've been a good fight. Did you win?" I thought about it for a moment.
"...Yeah. I guess I did." Because if I'm being honest, didn't I gain the most from that little experience? All it did was hurt Kenny. I, on the other hand, never have felt quite so at peace. Sex might be an even better painkiller than the razor. Butters claps me on the back. I try not to wince.
"All right! You show that racist jerk!" Butters smiles proudly. I can't help but smile a little myself. His innocence is so refreshing. It's the kind of thing I needed to put things in perspective.
"Thanks Butters."
I make my way over to Kenny's, set on apologizing. I'm not sure if he will be home or not, but I guess I'll see. His house is as it always has been; old and run down and poor. Yet the familiarity is comforting. I hop up the steps, careful to jump over the crumbling one, and knock on the door. Kenny answers in a matter of minutes.
"Hey Ke-" before I can finish, he's pulling me inside by my shirt and kissing me feverishly. I don't even think, I just give in. He begins stripping my clothes off of me and I allow it. What better way to apologize than with giving him what he wants?
He positions himself against me. Suddenly I'm on fire, exploding from the inside. I scream. I dig my nails into the floor, breathing in heavy, shaking gasps. It didn't hurt as much as last time, but still. He enters in further and I can't control the animalistic noises that escape my mouth. His nails dig into my back, adding to the barely scabbed scratches that trail along my entire body. I feel him release, warmth spreading through me. He lets out an exhausted breath and pulls out. He's passed out in a matter of minutes. I smile to myself. I lean in close, my mouth pressed against his ear.
"Please accept my apology."
I wake up for the second time today on a floor. Kenny is lying next to me, propped up on his arm and still naked, just staring at me. I blink a few times before meeting his gaze. His expression is puzzled.
"Why did you let me do that?" he asks. His brow is furrowed, his jaw set. I don't think he's angry anymore; he just seems confused. His confusion confuses me.
"Because you wanted to?" I answer. He raises a single blonde eyebrow. "It was my way of apologizing. You deserve to be a little selfish after...what I did to you..." He merely sighs.
"So it didn't mean anything to you." The question is a statement. Now I'm even more confused.
"...I just told you what it meant. It meant that I'm sorry. I regret using you like I did, so I let you use me." He turns away from me. "What's wrong? I just want things to be okay."
"Everything's fine Kyle. It's all just fine."
"...You promise?" He turns and looks at me funny, like he wants to smile and cry at the same time. He leans in and kisses me. I let him and I even kiss back a little.
"I promise."