K2: Save Me From Myself Chapter 5
Kyle stays at my house after we've...god what do I even call it...had sex? Fucked? Screwed each other over? I don't know. We sit and listen to music, talking of nothing. I want so much to be alone, but I can't explain to him why, so I merely tolerate his intrusion. Even though being this close to him while still being galaxies away is heart wrenchingly painful.
Eventually, however, he leaves. Once he's gone I am allowed to wallow in self-pity. How can he see things the way he does? Does he really only see sex as meaningless, something that is had when you desire to feel pain? Does he not think of love at all? I had no idea Kyle was so far gone. I want more than anything to be able to pull him back from the brink, but how can I when I'm on such unsure footing myself? And he can't even see the ledge he's standing on; he thinks he's safe. That he's just got issues with depression, but that he's dealing with it. He really is naive.
Half of me is worried about him and half of me is angry. Why is he so blind? Why can't he see how much I care for him? Why doesn't that drown out his pain? Why can't he feel the same way for me? Why is everything still so fucked up?
This is such a strange turn of events. I'm the one in love, and Kyle's the one who doesn't feel anything. I want nothing more than to curl up into a ball of misery and stay there forever. But I can't. I have to be strong. One of us has to be.
Suddenly there's a knock on the door. Oh god. Please don't tell me he came back. I can't deal with this right now. I sigh and head toward the door. What's waiting for me on the other side is something I hadn't expected.
It is Karen.
"Hey big brother," she says, a small, cautious smile playing across her lips. She looks awful. Her clothes are filthy, her hair a tangled mess, her face smudged with dirt. I pull her into a tight hug.
"Karen...I'm so sorry," I mumble. The tears fall freely. She wraps her arms around me, her tears soaking into my shirt. At this moment, I don't think anything could make me happier. "Things are different now, I swear. I'll never do that to you again."
"I know."
I welcome her inside. We talk about everything. About where she's been, what she's been doing, how she managed. It wasn't a pretty story. "He had his hand on my thigh and...he was moving closer...so I punched him in the face. But that just made him mad. He backhanded me and I fell. I scrambled to find something to defend myself with. I grabbed a metal pipe and hit him as hard as I could. He fell backwards and...I just ran...I don't know what happened. I stayed the night in the alley while it was raining." She sniffles and blew her nose on a wadded up tissue. I hand her a fresh one.
"You have no idea how much I regret what I did to you...I don't know how I can ever make it up to you, but I swear I will." She smiles a bit.
"I know you will. It's okay. And you're obviously clean now. What changed?" she asks. My eyes left hers and centered on the floor. How much should I tell her? "Kenny?" Well...she told me all of her story so...
"I fell in love with Kyle," I blurt out suddenly. Her pretty blue eyes, so similar to my own, light up with happiness and she smiles.
"That's so great! I'm really happy for you two." I begin laughing as I realize what she is thinking. She cocks her head to the side. "What's so funny?"
"Oh, nothing. It's just that we aren't like that. I love him, but I don't think he knows it. We started sleeping together but it doesn't mean anything to him. He's been...umm...well, he has been going through a hard time and I've been trying to help him. One thing led to another...and...now I don't really know what to do."
"Oh...Kenny..." She hugs me. "Why don't you just tell him?"
"If I tell him...then..." I feel more tears begin to stream down my face. "I don't know what will happen. He might stop talking to me or move away like everyone else has or...I just don't know. At least this way there's a chance that I can continue. 'Cause...at least when I'm with him, I'm not completely alone."
"Wow..." she murmurs. Her eyes are stained with unshed tears. "I guess I wasn't the only one who was hurt by my leaving..." I wipe my eyes.
"It's not your fault. And it wasn't just you anyway...it was everyone. I've been really screwed up for a long time. Only now am I really starting to see how much."
"But...you can't just keep lying to Kyle like this. You have to tell him the truth. He might like you too. If you told him then you could be together for real." I smile sadly.
"Oh Karen. I'm sorry, but that's just naive. I already know that there's not much chance of coming back from this." She looks at me, puzzled.
"Then why keep up this charade if you know it will only cause you pain?" The answer was quite simple.
"Because he needs me."
I call Kyle later that day and tell him that Karen has come home. He is ecstatic for me. He sounds much better. There is a certain lightness to his voice that I haven't heard recently.
"I'm really happy things are getting better for you." I want to laugh at that statement. If only he knew how wrong he was. "So you've sorted things out?"
"Pretty much, yeah. She's gonna go back to school and I'm going to keep working. I don't know if I'll pull in enough to feed both of us, but if things get tight she can always get a part time job."
"I wasn't exactly talking about the finances you know..."
"Well...we talked and everything just kinda sorted itself out. She told me about what happened, I apologized, so did she, and that was it. We still don't know where Mom and Dad are or if they'll come back but..." I trail off, unsure of where that was supposed to go. Kyle breaks the silence.
"As long as she's there to stay, I think things will be all right. So, have you thought about going back to school at all?" I snort.
"Yeah, 'cause I have time to go to school when I'm the sole provider for a sixteen year old girl. Duh Kyle." He laughs at my comment, which makes me smile. Damn him.
"I didn't mean right away silly. But I guess as long as Karen's in school it will be kinda hard for you to go to school at all...And she's still got about three years of high school. And then you have to consider college for her..." This conversation was starting to bore me, not to mention depress me. I already know what a failure my future is going to be, I don't need to be reminded. Not to mention I have to somehow provide a future for my sister.
"I'm just kinda putting off thinking about it seriously. I'll cross that bridge when I come to it." This is so strange. Talking to Kyle like this. Even though a few weeks ago we could've talked like this and it would've been the most natural thing in the world. Now it just feels foreign to me.
"Oh hey, I gotta go; I have to pick up Ike from hockey practice. See ya." He hangs up. I sigh into the phone which just moments ago projected the voice of the one I love. Now there is nothing but the vast silence.
"Kenny?" Karen calls from the doorway, making me jump. I'm going to have to get used to her being around. "Are you all right?"
"Yeah, I'm fine. I'd just rather be alone right now please." She fidgets in the doorway.
"...well...you know you have work in like fifteen minutes, right?" she asks. I completely spaced on it. I grab my coat and gave her a farewell hug. "Have a good day..." Her parting words were about as heart-felt as Kyle's as he screams my name.
Work is uneventful and boring. There isn't much to do today, which means I have very little distraction from my settling depression. I feel like I'm merely going in dizzying rotations of the same thoughts. I'm in love with Kyle, I can't go to school, I'll have no real life, and I'll be stuck in this town forever. I don't see an end to this vicious cycle.
Maybe I should tell him...I mean, do I really think that he'd stop talking to me because I like him? Sure things might be weird for a while but...I don't think that would really break our friendship completely. Kyle's a rational (well, when it comes to issues that aren't his own) person and I think he could understand. So...I don't know...maybe I finally will tell him.
I decide to go visit him. If I'm going to tell him, I want it to be in person. And...well...it's always possible he likes me too. After all, he does keep having sex with me. Maybe he says it doesn't mean anything because he's scared it really doesn't. Either way I can't take this indecision anymore. I have to tell him.
I walk to his house after work. I call Karen on the way and tell her where I'm going. She says all right and she'll order a pizza. I smile and hang up. At least I'll have food waiting for me at home after.
Time seems to slow as his house finally comes into view. Every step takes an hour; every breath I take sounds magnified. I begin shaking. I raise an unsteady fist to the front door. I have to try five times to gather the courage to finally connect my knuckles against the wood. His mother answers the door and tells me Kyle is upstairs. I thank her as I pass by. I'm not even sure this is real anymore.
His door is open. I quietly step inside. He's on the phone with someone. I clear my throat softly to let him know I'm here. He turns and smiles at me, his bright green eyes aglow with happiness, causing my heart to melt. I may just fall to the floor and die at any moment from that look.
"Thanks a lot for telling me! But I have to go, I have company. I'll talk to you later." He hangs up the phone and sighs happily, and then looks up at me again. He throws himself at me, hugging me tightly. I wrap my arms around him. "Kenny, I'm so happy! Have you heard?" He pulls away, beaming.
"Heard what?" I ask, although I really couldn't care less right now. Just holding him like that, even if only for a moment, has made me so happy that nothing else seems to matter.
"Stan's back!" he screams, barely able to contain himself. His eyes sparkle, his cheeks are aflame with a light blush, and he can't stop smiling. And in that moment, my heart is completely broken, ripped into tiny little shreds that could never be sewn back together. I can't believe I didn't realize this. Kyle is in love, all right. And it's with Stan.